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Original poster

How do you propose to a man?

43 replies

Ladyinbleu · 01/05/2023 14:18

As a woman, I'm considering proposing to my long term partner (man). It would be a second marriage for me but not him. No question of commitment IE we have a mortgage etc together and we've discussed marriage. He just doesn't seem to get round to proposing.

Obviously I've been proposed to before in the conventional way. The man asked me with a ring.

Does anyone want to share their stories of the lady proposing to the man? Does a woman go on one knee? Do you buy a ring? An alternative gift like a watch?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 01/05/2023 14:21

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked already imo.

How long have you been together?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/05/2023 14:24

I don’t. DH doesn't like it.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2023 14:25

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked already imo.

I agree. You don't need to "propose." You need to have a serious discussion about what you both want from this relationship. If marriage is an absolute for you, you had best make this clear now. If he doesn't want to get married, at least you know you have to start making plans to leave him or you'll just have to settle.

Mercurial123 · 01/05/2023 14:26

Does he want to get married or hinted at it? What would you do if he rejected the proposal?

Neverthinkjustdo · 01/05/2023 14:27

You've got a mortgage and never had the marriage talk?

I would have expected him to propose before tangling yourselves together in something like that.

Sounds like he maybe just doesnt want to get married.

In your situation I wouldn't be doing any if thelat flowery proposing nonsense. I'd just flat out say 'I want to get married. We live together, we have a mortgage, we should probably be married. So shall we set a date?'.

Somebodiesmother · 01/05/2023 14:28

"Hey, let's have discussion about getting married"

Original poster
Ladyinbleu · 01/05/2023 14:31

My op clearly says that we've discussed marriage. As in both of us have agreed it is our long term plan. I just don't like his timescales.

I didn't ask if I should propose to him. I didn't ask for people to wade in with comments like he obviously doesn't want to marry me. I asked what people tend to do if they choose to propose to a man. If you don't have an answer to the question, that's fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyinbleu · 01/05/2023 14:34

Mercurial123 · 01/05/2023 14:26

Does he want to get married or hinted at it? What would you do if he rejected the proposal?

Yes he wants to. He raised it recently. He was discussing the fact he'd like quite a big wedding (as he's never done it before) and asking how I'd feel about that given I have had a big wedding before. He appeared to feel we needed to save for said big wedding first whereas I feel like a long engagement would be nice. I think the expectation to get married quickly is what has prevented him asking to this point. The expectation wouldn't come from me for the record

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 01/05/2023 14:35

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/05/2023 14:24

I don’t. DH doesn't like it.

Yup, some men don't like women who don't act properly submissive and subordinate to the head of the household. You need to make sure OP that your DP won't find his willy falls off if you show some independence or initiative - think very carefully before your next move.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2023 14:36

If you've already agreed to get married, you're engaged.

Original poster
Ladyinbleu · 01/05/2023 14:36

I think his willy would stay on just fine 😂

OP posts:
Neverthinkjustdo · 01/05/2023 14:37

But your situation doesn't require a proposal. It requires a serious discussion where he actually acts on what he claims to want.

You shouldn't have to chase after a marriage with someone. It's all very well saying he has a different time scale to you but that's probably the sort of thing you should have dealt with before buying a home with him.

Its good that you're thinking of taking initiative now but I think proposing is really just setting yourself up for more 'umms and awws' from him. You'd be better off just sitting him down and saying it's time to set a date.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/05/2023 14:38

If he hasn't been married before he may have his own idea about how he wants to propose, you rushing things may ruin that for him.
Why don't you talk about wanting a long engagement instead if you are both open to conversations about it.

Original poster
Ladyinbleu · 01/05/2023 14:43

Your advice makes sense. Thank you.

It can't be that unusual can it? Surely there is someone here who has proposed to their dh?

I feel like proposing is more romantic than insisting we choose a date that's all. Although o recognise the outcome is the same

OP posts:
NoWordForFluffy · 01/05/2023 14:45

We're an ultra-romantic couple, so I sent him a text saying, 'Are we getting married or what?' To which he replied (by text), 'I suppose so!'

The rest is history. 🤣

ReadersD1gest · 01/05/2023 14:46

we've discussed marriage
And? What was the outcome of those discussions?

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 01/05/2023 14:53

A friend of mine took her DP out to dinner and produced a box with heart shaped cufflinks in it over dessert.

ShippingNews · 01/05/2023 14:56

I was the one who didn't want to, we had been together for 5 years. Then something happened which made me think of time passing, and suddenly I did want to. We were out for dinner and I just said " I'd like to get married - would you like to set a date ?" And we got married a month later.

MagicPortalToMarriage · 01/05/2023 14:58

I'm not being snarky but I genuinely don't understand situations like this. If you want to get married, wouldn't you say (man or woman) "shall we get married?" And why does it have to be the man?! same sex relationships must really mess with people's minds.  What do you think lesbians do?

"Do you want to get married?" The answer is either yes or no. If it's no, then you have the conversation about why not, eg someone wants to wait as they want to save to have a honeymoon at xxx place, or they don't feel ready to commit to marriage just yet - whatever reason they refuse marriage, then there's a wider discussion about compatibility and future of relationship.

If it's yes then surely you are just pleased and you book it.

I also don't get the whole "shall we get engaged" as a stand alone thing, or "I want to be engaged but not married yet" thing. I'm trying not to judge as I do understand people like different things  but I genuinely can't get my head round that. If you agree to get married then the period between that point and your ceremony is an engagement period, I get that. But Ivf had situations where someone shows me an engagement ring and I have said "lovely ring, when are you getting married?" and they've said oh we don't know yet we may just be engaged for a couple of years, then decide". It's like the engagement is an end in itself, not an automaticside process of getting married (if that makes sense?)

I just said to DH shall we get married, he said yes and (I don't know how it's done these days) we went to a registry office and the earliest date was six months later so we booked it and got married). Thirty years later we are still married. It seems much more complicated now. Admittedly I am bitter as I once bought some really nice crystal glasses for an engagement party present, and they didn't get married. I don't know who kept the glasses!

Don't get me wrong, I love celebrating a wedding, but to me it's quite straightforward - you want to be married or you don't, there isn't some special gateway to being married that is unlocked by a magical process that can only be initiated by men!

"Shall we get married?" I would start there. You can still say it even if you don't have a penis...

MagicPortalToMarriage · 01/05/2023 15:02

That has made me think I should start a separate thread asking if you have an engagement party, and receive gifts, what do you with the gifts if you call off the marriage? Engagement rings themselves are a whole other thread maybe Grin

DH and I don't wear rings.

YesPleaseMoreCheese · 01/05/2023 15:08

"If he wanted to get married he would have proposed already"

Well you could say the same about OP. Goodness why does it have to be the man who proposes, how utterly old fashioned and misogynistic.

Go for it OP. I think just like if he proposed you can do it any way you want, just think about what would be special to him. Is he a ring kind of person or would he prefer a watch or something else? You could always get silly rings as a gesture and then get proper rings together. If you want to get on one knee you can! There's no rules Grin

HolaBazola · 01/05/2023 15:11

I (woman) proposed to DH at a surprise gathering and I did do rings but not fancy ones. I did a speech and got down on one knee. It was ace, he said yes, everyone had a lovely time.

BobBobBobbing · 01/05/2023 15:19

"I've just opened the pension statements and realised how much we'd miss out on if one of us drops dead tomorrow as they only pay out to spouses. I think we need to get finally get legalities sorted and get married."

Suspect that wasn't quite what you had in mindGrin. But 6 weeks later we did it and those lovely pension payouts are protected. I always tell people we only married for the money Grin

Coffeeandanap · 01/05/2023 15:19

I know you haven’t asked for this but I would like to offer my advice.
You’ve been married before & he hasn’t. You proposing might be taking an opportunity from him, an experience that he hasn’t ever had before.
If I were in your shoes I would just have a discussion about timescales, that you’re serious about getting married and would love to see him make it more formal (imminently?). Then wait for him to take his chance, or not as the case may be.

SmallFerret · 01/05/2023 15:22

TomatoSandwiches · 01/05/2023 14:21

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked already imo.

How long have you been together?

That presupposes that OP's man holds the same outdated views about which sex is "allowed" to propose as so many MN'ers.

Marriage may siimply not have been on his radar, but he might be entirely open to the idea once OP moots it. Especially as she says there are no issues around commitment.