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Original poster

Is this that bad? Stuck on childhood memories.

44 replies

Brainfriedforever · 01/05/2023 01:12

Recently I feel like I can't stop thinking of my childhood. I thought I had pushed it all into a box and moved on but obviously not. The thing is the more I think about it the more I think maybe it wasn't so bad? Maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame for feeling fucked up now?

From pretty much as far back as I remember my mother didn't ever speak to me. This sounds weird but she would never chat to me, never engage with me, she fed me, clothed me but never actually really spoke to me above dinners ready or time for bed or whatever. I can remember being about 6 and my brother was misbehaving in some small way and my mother said if you don't stop I'll stop talking to you like I did your sister. I remember feeling like I had been slapped, it was the first time I thought shit this is my fault? I'm awful, that's why she treats me differently. That was the start of me being afraid of her, I was afraid to be around her in case I said the wrong thing or did the wrong. I just remember a sad childhood of feeling like I was awful. I feel like it's just a collection of small things though, like she would sign my birthdays 'from Mary' but my siblings would be 'love from Mum' for instance.

I used to watch my mother reading goodnight stories to my little sister and wish that I was good enough that she'd want to read with me. I'd watch the easy relationship she had with my siblings and feel like I didn't belong because I was bad. As a teen I spent as little time as possible at home, then moved out at 17 for good.

As an adult I see her a few times a year, I always feel sick before I do, I only make small talk and am very guarded, would never talk about anything that matters or anything remotely personal because I don't know I think I'm afraid? I don't have a close relationship with my siblings again because I'm so guarded, I can't let any walls down. I keep most people at arms length.

I have no self esteem and deep down I think I'm pretty awful. I don't feel like I deserve anything nice or good. There is this voice that won't go away that says you are so awful even your mother couldn't love you. It's sounds so pathetic and I'd never say it out loud in real life, I'm so ashamed that she couldn't love. But then I think was it actually that bad? She never hit me, she was never particularly mean to me, she just kind of acted like I wasn't there? Am I just really needy?

I'm sorry this is so long and i know it sounds whiny, it's just running around and around my head tonight and I needed to get it out.

OP posts:
mrwalkensir · 01/05/2023 01:25

Your mother put you in some freaky mad malicious mental solitary confinement for no reason. You should feel proud that you had the strength to move out at 17. I still suffer (in my 50s) from my mother's "everybody hates you". It's not you - it's her. Look up the narcissistic mother chats on here (or the general "stately homes" thread) - you are very definitely not alone - and a lot of us know this is very familiar xxx

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 01/05/2023 01:28

Yes, it's that bad. Your mother sounds like a horrendous human being.

There's nothing you could have done as a child that age to deserve any of that behaviour.

There will be people much more suited to discuss this with you soon I'm sure but I didn't want to just read and run in the middle of the night.

There is nothing wrong with you, you are not awful, you are not pathetic. Your mother on the other hand is despicable.

Landndialamrhf · 01/05/2023 01:29

What could a 6 year old do to you that would make you treat them like that? Nothing right? Because a 6 year old can’t be responsible for anything that bad, and that is not an ok way to treat a child regardless of their behaviour.
it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her being awful

JupiterFortified · 01/05/2023 01:31

It doesn’t sound remotely as if you did anything wrong or that there’s anything at all needy about you OP. Your mother sounds like a heartless bitch and I’m sorry you had to put up with her treating you that way x

mrwalkensir · 01/05/2023 01:36

exactly - my mother boasted about "breaking me" by the age of 4, so presumably similar timescale attitude. What freak of a parent/human has that attitude? (your instinct to not tell her anything is correct - and it'll bug her :) ) Siblings... may know more than you know, or may genuinely be surprised. Or worst case, may not believe you. My sister had been oblivious as a child, but twigged later on.

Rasputinsbeard · 01/05/2023 02:27

That's the least whiny thing I've ever read OP, that's a horrendously cruel way to treat any child and very clearly all about her and nothing at all to do with you being 'awful'. I wish reading the replies you've got/will get here was going to be enough to fix the damage she's done to your self esteem but I know it won't be that simple. I hope this thread will give you a starting point though, it should tell you something that not a single person here will tell you that any of this was your fault or that what you went through was 'not that bad'.

Mumma · 01/05/2023 02:35

You are strong and brave and writing that took courage.

Your mother is a complete c+&=^ and if I were you Id cut her off cold turkey and show her how it feels.

Id definitely reccomend counselling. It really does help. You deserve to focus on your future and not that shitty past that you didnt deserve.

Sending healing thoughts your way xxx

allthebeautifulflowers · 01/05/2023 02:55

My dad stopped talking to me a few years before he died. Even though we were supposedly on amicable terms, and my mum insisted everything was fine, he just couldn't be bothered with me. He may not have even realised he was doing it but it was incredibly painful. To treat a child this way, so deliberately and singled out, is utter cruelty. I would suggest therapy to help separate your sense of self from her behaviour and I would end or limit contact with her, whatever feels best for you. You life is all yours and you have value.

Summer2424 · 01/05/2023 03:01

Hi @Brainfriedforever i'm so sorry you went through this as a child xx
Please know you are strong and inspiring to have left and go it alone at 17 years old x

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 01/05/2023 03:06

Your mother is an awful, awful, awful person, and yes what she did WAS that bad!

Honestly, it sounds like none of your family are worth your time or effort. Protect yourself and either go NC or very, very LC.

Morestrangerthings · 01/05/2023 04:13

You were a child OP. You didn't do anything wrong.There is nothing so bad that you could have done to deserve the cruel way your mother treated you. Your mother is the one that's at fault here. Not you. It doesn't matter how well she fed or clothed you, she let you down badly.

WandaWonder · 01/05/2023 04:40

Yes for last time, yes for this time and yes for next time this is asked

Elieza · 01/05/2023 04:48

It wasn’t you. You were kid. Your mothers fucked up. She’s messed you up. You deserve better and I’m sorry you went through that.

counselling for sure.

your siblings didn’t make her do it. It’s not their fault either. Though totally understandable why you’d be how you are in the circs.

none of this is you. It’s your mothers fault.

Daffodil63 · 01/05/2023 05:35

What she did was unbelievably bizarre and cruel. No child deserves that, she had one job and that was to love you unconditionally first. If you can, get counselling so that you can come to terms with it and get past it. Your counsellor will empower you with strategies to deal with this and move on to live your best life, your one life. Be strong x

Buildingthefuture · 01/05/2023 06:14

Yes that is awful. And it’s totally understandable that it will have a massive psychological impact on you. But CBT will help. You were a child and the responsibility for this sits with her. Therapy will help you gain some perspective on this and should enable you to move forward without these negative thoughts. You were dealt a shit hand in terms of mothers, but you had no control over that. You can take control now though. Therapy will be painful, because you will have to get all your thoughts and feelings “out of the box” but doing that will enable you to live your best life. I had a different, but equally shitty Father and it affected me for years. Therapy though helped me sort through it all and I went NC with him years ago. Best thing I ever did and when I think of him now, rather than pain and anxiety I just think…..well, wasn’t he a dick and then move on with my day. It’s his loss. Good luck x

DucksNewburyport · 01/05/2023 06:39

This was a horrendous thing for your mum to do.

DachshundsThroughTheSnow · 01/05/2023 06:47

This is awful, I’m so sorry you had to go through this OP. I am a mental health professional so have some incite into this behaviour, however even people with narcissistic PD’s don’t keep the silent treatment up, to this extent.

Please don’t blame yourself, I’m sure your mother had her own battles and demons but it doesn’t make the cruel, total isolation of a child okay.

Silent treatment is used to punish and control, you were a small child op, please just know that there is absolutely nothing that you could have done to deserve this.

cavebaby · 01/05/2023 06:51

It was actually that bad, it was horrendous emotional abuse. She failed you spectacularly as a mother and you don't owe her any contact now. My heart breaks for you but please understand that none of this was your fault. Flowers

boobot1 · 01/05/2023 09:22

Wow, its definately her, not you!! As a mother its hard to read, there are no circumstances that could ever justify her behaviour. Children are to be loved and nurtured. She sounds completely toxic.

BunnyFun · 01/05/2023 09:54

You're childhood was horrific and must have been severely traumatising.
You will need to have therapy, probably for a long time.
Please think and read very carefully about what type of therapy you choose.
Do not choose CBT as it is not suitable for what you have gone through.
I would suggest a psychotherapist specialising in trauma.
Google narcissistic parents and scapegoated children.
Good luck.

Dontsayyouloveme · 01/05/2023 10:01

Please look into Schema therapy. I suffered from emotional neglect after my mum died when I was 10. I had all the feelings that you have. Schema has turned my life around.. what you went through is not your fault… it was abuse. I feel for you. I’m so sorry 😞

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 01/05/2023 10:09

How awful OP. I'm so sorry you were treated like that. I have a daughter and it's just horrendous to think your 'mother' treated you that way. My ex best friend (long story and not related to this), her dad didn't talk to her growing up and treated her very badly. This is nothing you have done

SummerWhisper · 01/05/2023 10:18

It might be worth, when you feel able, making contact with your siblings as they may only understand you through the lens of your wicked mother. You could write to them and explain what she did. Give them an opportunity to reach out (but don't have any expectations of them - they might be as wicked as she is or too frightened to lose her 'love'). They are definitely missing out on having you around. You sound lovely. I wish you all the best, which is what you deserve 💐❤️

Outlookmainlyfair · 01/05/2023 10:21

You were abused! That is really shocking. I hope you find the strength to find help.

tsmainsqueeze · 01/05/2023 10:21

What a cruel terrible thing to do to a precious innocent child , what on earth was she thinking .
She deserves nothing more from you ever again , not a minute more of your time , how dare she still have control and make you feel afraid all these years later.
Please get some help to process the abuse you have suffered , i hope you can find some peace , you deserve a happy future free of the damage this monster has caused.
I hope she is tortured for the rest of her days for what she has done to you.