Is this that bad? Stuck on childhood memories.

[Brainfriedforever]

Recently I feel like I can't stop thinking of my childhood. I thought I had pushed it all into a box and moved on but obviously not. The thing is the more I think about it the more I think maybe it wasn't so bad? Maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame for feeling fucked up now?

From pretty much as far back as I remember my mother didn't ever speak to me. This sounds weird but she would never chat to me, never engage with me, she fed me, clothed me but never actually really spoke to me above dinners ready or time for bed or whatever. I can remember being about 6 and my brother was misbehaving in some small way and my mother said if you don't stop I'll stop talking to you like I did your sister. I remember feeling like I had been slapped, it was the first time I thought shit this is my fault? I'm awful, that's why she treats me differently. That was the start of me being afraid of her, I was afraid to be around her in case I said the wrong thing or did the wrong. I just remember a sad childhood of feeling like I was awful. I feel like it's just a collection of small things though, like she would sign my birthdays 'from Mary' but my siblings would be 'love from Mum' for instance.

I used to watch my mother reading goodnight stories to my little sister and wish that I was good enough that she'd want to read with me. I'd watch the easy relationship she had with my siblings and feel like I didn't belong because I was bad. As a teen I spent as little time as possible at home, then moved out at 17 for good.

As an adult I see her a few times a year, I always feel sick before I do, I only make small talk and am very guarded, would never talk about anything that matters or anything remotely personal because I don't know I think I'm afraid? I don't have a close relationship with my siblings again because I'm so guarded, I can't let any walls down. I keep most people at arms length.

I have no self esteem and deep down I think I'm pretty awful. I don't feel like I deserve anything nice or good. There is this voice that won't go away that says you are so awful even your mother couldn't love you. It's sounds so pathetic and I'd never say it out loud in real life, I'm so ashamed that she couldn't love. But then I think was it actually that bad? She never hit me, she was never particularly mean to me, she just kind of acted like I wasn't there? Am I just really needy?

I'm sorry this is so long and i know it sounds whiny, it's just running around and around my head tonight and I needed to get it out.

I would be very wary about doing that.
Generally speaking, children tend to idealise their parents. Even the OP struggles to see the harm her mother caused.
The siblings may defend the mother who may have treated them much better.

Thanks so much for the replies. It's validating to know that it was bad and not normal. I think recently I've just been realising how much it has shaped me, how much I've held back from doing because I don't think I'm worthy and I want it to change but I don't know how. I'm deeply ashamed of my childhood and have never told anyone. Dh knows that my childhood 'wasn't great' is how I've phrased it in the past but I don't know how to say what actually happened. How can I admit that my own parent didn't love me? I've thought about therapy but again I don't know how I would get the words out. I'm afraid of being judged or being told that yeah well you actually were really hard to love because I know as a kid I withdrew from everything because I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing and making things worse or afraid that my siblings would see how awful I was just like my mother did. It's hard to love someone who is withdrawn.

I'm just so ashamed and sad but at the same time I really want to change and start living. I know I'm still withdrawn, still guarded, still scared that I'll slip up and people see the me my mother saw although i try and hide it. I know I have to get the courage to see someone and I'd really like dhs support as I do it but I don't know how to tell him. I feel like it's a dirty secret that's eating me away.

OP this made me GASP. such malice. There are many kind, considered, helpful posts here, healing is an imperative, I hope you see this was not your fault at all

I admire your bravery and honesty to write your post.

A few years ago I heard a talk from a Cambridge academic (whose name eludes me at present) about teenage mental health, and the factors that lead to poor mental health. She said that we have this notion that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" i.e. that emotional abuse is less damaging than physical abuse. Hovever, her studies had found that emotional abuse and bullying resulted in worse mental health outcomes than physical abuse (if I remember correctly). Why? Her studies indicated that emotional abuse and bullying has a profound negative impact on a person's sense of self, (that they are worth something) and this damaged self-esteem has profound consequences.
Your childhood was terrible (and compounded by those feelings of "was it really that bad?). I want to give the current you and the childhood you a massive hug, and I hope you can get some help to work through the distress.

This is one of the hardest things. She was a mum to them. Hugged them, talked with them, went on trips with them. Now they are all close. Close with each other and her. I feel like they all know that I was the 'bad' one, the weird one on the edges of the family looking in. I'm so sad that I never got to have that. I don't blame them at all but I'm not one of them, they all have these lovely childhood memories but all I can remember is being so sad, so many nights crying myself to sleep, so much fear of doing something wrong.

I don't know, I though I was OK, I thought I'd put it in a box and moved on. I don't know why it's come back so much lately.

You withdrew as a defence mechanism, to survive. Your withdrawal was as a result of your mother’s behaviour towards you and not the other way around. Therapy will help you understand that her behaviour is a reflection on her, not you, but it’s hard to see, where you are at the present.

Any decent therapist will know how hard this is for you to talk about. They will go at your own pace.. they won’t force anything out of you. I promise, this won’t be a new scenario to them, a lot of people have had a dysfunctional upbringing, a lot haven't. It’s 100 okay to feel desperately sad for what you never received from your mum, it’s okay to feel envy, anger, hatred, and every other emotion in between..

😔😔😔

Did you have a dad?

Gather people around you that will support you through this. It is a good thing that it has come out of the box. Show this thread to your DH and take things very very slowly.

There is NOTHING a 6 year old child could have done to merit this response.

There are a hundred books written about this, you will have to find a way that works for you.

This is not something that you can work through in a set of six sessions and then skip off down the road. You have grown up without the love and support every human deserves and you have been given no opportunity to learn self love.

The fact that you are here, with a loving partner and have the strength to write what you have written is a testament to your inner strength. Write yourself a love letter, keep it close. Remind yourself that you are worthy, you are amazing, you are strong.... allow the negative thoughts to come and go, they do not serve you, let them go and let the positive thoughts fill the space. Do this every single day, for 5 minutes. Let this positivity fill your body and allow all of the other feelings to come and go, to cease to take up space in your head and your heart, release yourself from these feelings and these thoughts.

We can let these things go.. but I don't believe it is possible to every be totally done with them, but we really can learn to allow these feelings to come, to acknowledge them, to limit the amount of hurt they cause when they appear and to let them go again.

That is very severe emotional abuse.

Dave Pelzer’s book A Child Called It described a childhood which had both physical and emotional abuse but what he had in common with you was that his mother singled out him and him alone for the abuse from a very young age. She knew what she was doing and I assume yours did too.

Own it OP. Don’t hide it any more. Talk it all out with a therapist so you can hear yourself saying it and you can put together a coherent narrative. And then quietly but firmly state that narrative to everyone that needs to know.

I think it might help to consider that your narcissistic mother had/has a mental illness or BPD (Borderline personality disorders).
The sense of powerlessness that she felt in her life could only be alleviated by gaining a sense of power or control over someone, a scapegoat, who couldn't fight back, ie you.

Yes I agree. I don’t know her obviously but I’m imagining a woman who enjoyed having her very own personal torture chamber for years and years that she could play with whenever she needed a hit. Find your anger with this utterly toxic bitch whom you deserved no more than a kidnap victim deserved their abuser.

I would disagree with some of that.
I think talking about'positivity' and positive thoughts are unhelpful and probably harmful to the OP at this stage.
With the help of a therapist she needs to understand the negative core beliefs she will have adopted through the abuse she received from her mother.
Beliefs such as
"I am worthless and unlovable, I don't deserve to be seen or heard or noticed. I am bad and when bad things happen it is my fault."

When you fully understand your negative beliefs you can question their validity and they will begin to dissolve.

I went NC with my mother for less. Sympathy, OP. It's not you, a thousand times, it's not you.

That's is truly terrible..I think you will definitely need a trained counsellor to discuss this with . You must get some help to talk this through IRL. So sorry to read how your 6 year old self was treated. Thinking of that little girl.

@BunnyFun I do agree with you, but I also think 'why not?' Why should her mother get away with creating an idealised happy family when she is in reality a cruel and heartless bitch? I did put a note of caution in my post.

@Brainfriedforever has nothing to lose providing she is prepared for any negative or even abusive responses. Then she must walk away from the lot of them if they are all dysfunctional. But they might not be...and she might gain a sibling or two...it might be worth the risk.

@Brainfriedforever

scared that I'll slip up and people see the me my mother saw

That person is a construct of your mother's evil imagination that does not exist in reality.

You are a beautiful human ❤️

@SummerWhisper My worry would be that if the siblings are so enmeshed with the mothers toxic mind games, they would side with the mother and OP would begin to doubt herself.
Far better to discuss this option with a trained professional but even then it would be much further down the line when the OP has a much clearer picture of what was inflicted on her.

I could have written this post. Except I was chucked out at 17. Are you the eldest child? What was your mother's relationship with your father? Unpicking it all, I felt like the resentment she had for me was misplaced and was the resentment she had towarfs my father. I also really looked like him which didn't help. I also suspect postnatal depression which meant we didn't have a bond. Has took me a long time to realise it is all her, had nothing to do with me. I highly recommend therapy and to go no or very low contact.

@BunnyFun Definitely down the line, when she feels able. Exploring this through therapy is a good option. It's so bloody unfair.