Window at night - big argument at 4am - views?

[AminaJ]

Wondering if window preferences at night are a cause of conflict for any other couples??

At night, I like a bit of air to get in through the window - I find it stuffy otherwise and I get hot at night. My husband doesn't like the curtains open, so i arrange them so they're slightly open in one corner, to let the air in. He has seemed ok with that so far.

Last night, it was very hot in the room, so I made the corner opening of the curtain a bit bigger (about 4x4 inches in total).

At 4am, my husband stormed out of bed, stomped across the room and whipped the curtains shut. He said he didn't want to be able to see outside, nor people to see in. I said he was being paranoid, because we're on the 3rd floor, it's a quiet street, it's dark, and it was only open a small amount in the corner.

At this, he started shouting very loudly, saying I was being unreasonable. He compared me to my mum (who he knows can nag my dad sometimes). He was shouting so loud that, although it's an old building with thick walls, I was worried the neighbours would be woken up, and it was 4am.

Do others have the window open - or argue about it? And is it that weird to have the curtain open a bit?

It’s not right for him to yell at you in the middle of the night (or at any time). I would hate having the curtains at all open though. Can’t you have a thinner duvet if you get too hot? Whereabouts are you that it’s too hot at this time of year? Understandable in mid summer but it’s only spring. I’d look into all other ways to keep cooler at night that are easier for a partner who hates open curtains - I’d feel uncomfortable with even a little bit tbh. It’s like the dark can get in. Then it gets too light in the morning.

Curtains open a bit wouldn't bother me I wouldn't even notice.
Closed window though boak. The smell in the morning of the windows are closed is grim I can't sleep with the windows shut

The issue isn’t the windows. Does your husband often shout at you? (And the issue with that isn’t the neighbours hearing.)

I wouldn't be able to sleep if any light was coming into the room as I like it pitch black. I'm also an extremely light sleeper so I wouldn't be able to tolerate any outside noises (if there were any) being amplified by an open window. I appreciate I may be in the minority as I sometimes have issues with sleep anyway.

Could you not just use a fan or only sleep with a sheet if you're hot?

Agree the shouting is not ok.

But I don’t understand about the curtains. Surely there is plenty of space around the edges of the curtains for air to come in? I would hate having the curtains at all open because the light would wake me at 5am.

I can't bear even a tiny sliver of light coming in but do like the fanlight window open a little when it's warm.

I can’t even have the curtains open a crack, a slither of light would bother me so I’d be annoyed at being woken up at 4am because the curtains had been opened more. Obviously shouting isn’t on though.

Do you have a spare room? If hot are you able to go in another room? DH sometimes goes in the spare room when his restless legs start because he doesn’t want to wake me.

The shouting in the middle of the night is the issue here! If one of us wanted a curtain open- no one would be shouting, but one of us would have to compromise.

I wear an eye mask because I can't stand any amount of light in the room. It drives me nuts and I can rarely get back to sleep.

Don't you get bugs and mosquitoes in your room with an open window or hear cars/bin lorry in the mornings? In summer we have a fan on- but I also wear ear plugs to stop any noise. 😄

Buy him a decent eye mask, that’s what my DH has. I like windows open but I don’t usually need to open curtains. I do read my iPad in bed which is why DH has the eye mask.

This is one of those irritating incompatibilities that just builds up and builds up to an explosion. You like the window open. He doesn’t. You like the curtains open. He doesn’t. You had a fragile compromise and then you pushed it.

Separate rooms is the answer. Try it. You’ll never go back. It could save your marriage.

DH and I have to sleep in separate bedrooms because of this. I am a thick duvet, windows closed sort of person, unless in an extreme heatwave (also wear thick pyjamas and bed socks, I’m a cold soul)

DH, on the other hand, is the thinnest of duvets and window open person.

We couldn’t compromise. Snoring and restless sleeping is also added to the mix. So separate rooms it had to be

You did set an agreement OP and then pushed past it changing the goalposts for someone who was probably already at breaking point over it. That wasn't cool, but his shouting at you is definitely not okay.
It's not an excuse to shout, however, if you weren't listening to him talking reasonably then he probably thought what other recourse do I have? Sometimes people panic when they can't get sleep. Again, I reiterate, there is no excuse and it is not okay, but I don't feel that you are as much as a victim as you might want to make out.

Surely, if you have the window wide open, you don't need the curtain open too? Cold night air can easily seep past fabric, especially in spring!

I don't have this problem because we have separate bedrooms, he likes it hot and stuffy, I like it cold, window open and 2 fans on.

I wouldn't up with being shouted at like that any time of day though op and he will have to compromise if there isn't a spare room.

Your husband should count his lucky stars he’s not married to me. I wait until DH is asleep then I fling the bedroom window open, put a black cloth over my face, the quilt right over my head with just my nose poking out then fall asleep myself. We’ve got big trees outside full of crows that wake up at the crack of dawn and make a racket and we live in a bungalow.
In my defence, it’s very rural so no street lights and the cat throws himself at the window to get in if I don’t leave it open and I’m the one who always gets woken up by the cat.
I just can’t bare the stuffiness of a closed window bedroom at night. Plus the fresh air has health benefits. https://www.healthline.com/health-news/open-windows-doors-could-help-you-sleep-better#:~:text=Researchers%20say%20ventilation%20in%20a,Open%20your%20windows%20and%20doors.

We’ve caved to the separate bedrooms, both sleep so much better. Me hot and snory, him cold and snory. Me not bothered by light, noise, him a fragile flower needing daaaaark and silence.

I love the feel of a breeze on my legs/shoulders which you can’t get with closed curtains. Kick him into the spare room op!

I like the window open - especially if it's raining -and the room to be in total darkness with not even a sliver of light. You don't need the curtains open to let air through, it makes it way under the curtain.
I'd be upset if I'd let you'd have a square to meet your needs, then you took advantage to make it bigger without taking into consideration mine. And yes. I know it's a divorce issue on MN but I very well might raise my voice.

Okay, so the issue is the curtain? (Bit confusing because others keep referring to your husband having an issue with the window )

Why do you need the curtain open? You'll still get air in with the curtain closed.

If you can't agree, I'd say it should default to the norm, which is - surely - curtain closed.

Yup disagreement in this house too. I like the window open even in winter. He gets cold. I say he can put more clothes on but I can’t take more off!

Why do you need the curtain open? The air will get into the room with them closed. I wouldn't be impressed with someone leaving the curtain open, even if it is a small corner, as I would wake up too early, so I can see his point of view.

@FatFilledTrottyPuss What’s the point in having the window open if you’re going to cover your entire body, including face, under a big cloth and then a quilt? Surely you’d want a thinner duvet and only cover yourself waist down if you’re feeling warm enough to open the window.

@AminaJ I can understand wanting to open the window, but I don’t understand why the curtains have to be open too. Could you compromise by keeping the window and curtains open until you’re both ready for bed and then close them? I’d probably shout too if I had been struggling to sleep for hours because my DP did regularly did something like this and I was fed up. I can’t sleep unless it’s dark and thankfully DP is the same.

Why are you married to such an insufferable dickhead?

I’m with your husband as I like a really dark room and a slither of light would bother me. An open window would be fine.

However raging at you in the middle of the night isn’t on. I guess if you really can’t compromise then separate rooms???

Do you have heavy thick curtains? Could
you put up a lighter pair to allow the breeze to blow in better?

@CoffeeBean5 for the fresh air in my nose. ☺️

I'm with you, OP. I love a wide open window and unhindered breeze when it gets warmer! Seems a weird thing to yell about at 4am. Who does he think is looking in to the third floor at 4am?