Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he breadcrumbing me?

42 replies

leafygreens51 · 30/04/2023 20:31

Frequent poster but I have named changed as some of this is outing.

Bit of a strange scenario here but hopefully I can make it easy to read!

I am in the final stages of a divorce. DH no longer lives in the family home and hasn’t since middle of last year. We have two young children together.

A few months back I decided to dip my toe into the online dating world (scary stuff indeed!!)

Matched with a few guys nearby including one who looked familiar but I couldn’t place where from. For context I have two young children and a busy job and haven’t lived where I am for very long. Once I’m in the house I shut the door and don’t pay much attention to what’s going on around me!

Anyway, the familiar guy messaged and it transpired that he is my neighbour!!! Our back gardens back onto each other and the layout of our estate is such that our cars are parked right by each other.

Transpired he is separated from his wife but they are still living together until the divorce finalises and she moves out with their adult son. Since him mentioning this I have observed them and believe they are separate and I have also seen her with another man in town.

For the past few weeks we have been messaging back and forth. To start with he was a bit dry so I pulled away a bit but then when I did he started messaging more, showing more interest, asking more questions etc. He’s always very curious about where I’ve been and with whom…

As it stands now he messages me every day; he always messages first. Usually in the evenings (works for me as we are both working busy jobs and I have kids to put to bed when I get home). But where the frustration lies is that he’s not showing any indication about ever wanting to meet up. He’s told me he had been dating but hasn’t been lately. I can’t pretend I have a wild social life because he can literally see my car doesn’t move in the evenings haha! That said I have had some interest but my focus is being taken up with him.

We have both been hurt by our ex partners in similar circumstances and I understand that the proximity of where we live makes it a little more complicated but I also feel like the prolonged messaging is a waste of time really, unless he wants a friendship in which case that’s fine but I need to move on from messaging him in the evenings because my time is precious!

I guess I’m looking for some insight here. My friends feel he’s being cautious because of the neighbour situation and he’s been hurt in the past, they think I should take charge. But I don’t have the confidence to do that and also I feel that if he wanted to see me he’d be making plans to.

Thoughts, please! I’m new to the dating world after 15 long years.

OP posts:
ScorpioTwinkle1 · 30/04/2023 20:35

I think he is being cautious as his soon to be ex wife and son still lives there with you as a neighbour. It can make things really akward for all involved since you live so close. Maybe he is waiting for her to move out and will make a move then.

Original poster
leafygreens51 · 30/04/2023 20:56

Thanks for your reply Scorpio. Might be waiting a while then! Perhaps I need to lower my expectations of him and move on…

OP posts:
TinyOctopus · 30/04/2023 22:53

I wouldn’t get involved with a neighbour

WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 30/04/2023 22:56

I’d stay well clear of anybody who lives too close.
Try and meet people at social events or online dating but not too close to home.
I wouldn’t want to be dating somebody who isn’t living apart from their ex either.
Ive tried that and it didn’t end well!
Good luck :)

pictoosh · 30/04/2023 22:57

Leave your immediate neighbour to it and look elsewhere I'd say.

BackAgainstWall · 30/04/2023 23:10

I would steer well clear of anyone who is still married and living with their ex-wife.

Why do you honestly think he’s hanging back !!?

And you seeing his wife with someone else doesn’t mean one jot.

Been there worn the t-shirt.

Seas164 · 30/04/2023 23:17

Of all the men, all of the men, don't shag the neighbour who lives with his wife.

There's not a shortage. Pick another.

JupiterFortified · 30/04/2023 23:24

I’d never trust anyone still living with their wife. I’d leave it and move on OP.

That being said, if you’re really interested I think you need to take the initiative and ask him if he wants to meet for a drink? If he says no/tries to say it’s not the right time then definitely sack him off.

Original poster
leafygreens51 · 30/04/2023 23:27

I think you’re all right. It all seems too complicated with the added factor of how close we live to one another, coupled with his situation and the lack of initiative on his part to plan anything.

trust me to catch feelings for the first time in years with this guy!

its nice to be able to create a slight illusion of a busy social life when meeting someone new but that’s not possible when he can see for himself I only leave the house to go to work! 😂

OP posts:
TinyOctopus · 30/04/2023 23:32

Feelings? You haven’t ever met?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2023 23:33

Perhaps he doesn't want to be the lady man asking to some round to yours of an evening whilst you're kids are asleep. Perhaps he thinks that would make him come across sleazy.

Don't just dump him for not doing something you won't do either. Lots of decent blokes are conscious of not wanting to come on too strong.

Hey Derek, I really like our late night chats, but how about a day time coffee? Steve has the kids Saturday, we could meet in town if you're free?

Done.

Original poster
leafygreens51 · 30/04/2023 23:38

Sorry yes I should have said I wouldn’t have ever considered having him in the house whilst the children are here. Ex-DH has the children overnight every other weekend…

and I guess it’s silly on my part to call it feelings… more that I have enjoyed talking to someone for the first time in a very very long time. Painful breakup last year so it’s been nice getting to know someone.

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 30/04/2023 23:49

You would be a glutton for punishment if you went there.

TwoMonthsOff · 30/04/2023 23:52

Avoid this, you will never feel comfortable in your home
there a saying isn’t there don’t crap on your own doorstep ? Or something like that

Ossification · 01/05/2023 07:31

Genuinely, what is breadcrumbing? I have only ever done this to food!

Twiglets1 · 01/05/2023 07:34

I only clicked on the thread to find out what breadcrumbing is and I'm no wiser🙁

Passmethpens · 01/05/2023 07:36

I’d do this

Passmethpens · 01/05/2023 07:36

As in, ask him for coffee

ShandaLear · 01/05/2023 07:39

Ask him if he fancies a coffee at the local coffee shop or even a walk locally. If he say no then you know he’s just playing with you and you don’t need to waste any more time on him. If he says yes then go and have a coffee with him.

cherrypied · 01/05/2023 07:44

Aside from the neighbour and living with stbexw, You have "caught feelings" for someOne you have never met. You are getting far to invested far to quickly. I did this too so heed the advice given on here about OLD. He could be genuine but he could just be keeping you as sort of pet when he is bored and want some attention someone to asked about their day and so on- assume this is bread-crumbing throwing a few tasty scraps to keep you interested.

Dating shouldn't be stressful. Ditch him and move on.

A few messages and arrange a test date - 1 hour to test chemistry-
and if that doesn't happen no more messaging.

Summerslimtime · 01/05/2023 07:45

I would just message back and say, can we stop the messaging for a few months until our divorces are finalised. See where we are then.

bluepen12 · 01/05/2023 08:20

Definitely don't ask him out. Think it would come across as if you were desperate.
Dating close neighbour is similar to dating someone you work with (or even worse! So much easier to change jobs rather than to move house if needs be).
It's not worth the risk and all shit can happen if it doesn't work out. You don't know anything about him really, could turn into a stalker if it doesn't work out and you won't ever feel comfortable in your own home.
I wouldn't risk it

pictoosh · 01/05/2023 08:25

Seas164 · 30/04/2023 23:17

Of all the men, all of the men, don't shag the neighbour who lives with his wife.

There's not a shortage. Pick another.

God this.

Blossomandbee · 01/05/2023 08:35

He’s always very curious about where I’ve been and with whom…

Be careful with this. You don't know him and he can see and watch you from where he is.

MyEyesAreBleeding · 01/05/2023 08:44

TwoMonthsOff · 30/04/2023 23:52

Avoid this, you will never feel comfortable in your home
there a saying isn’t there don’t crap on your own doorstep ? Or something like that

"Don't shit where you eat" is the version I know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread