Is he breadcrumbing me?

[leafygreens51]

Frequent poster but I have named changed as some of this is outing.

Bit of a strange scenario here but hopefully I can make it easy to read!

I am in the final stages of a divorce. DH no longer lives in the family home and hasn’t since middle of last year. We have two young children together.

A few months back I decided to dip my toe into the online dating world (scary stuff indeed!!)

Matched with a few guys nearby including one who looked familiar but I couldn’t place where from. For context I have two young children and a busy job and haven’t lived where I am for very long. Once I’m in the house I shut the door and don’t pay much attention to what’s going on around me!

Anyway, the familiar guy messaged and it transpired that he is my neighbour!!! Our back gardens back onto each other and the layout of our estate is such that our cars are parked right by each other.

Transpired he is separated from his wife but they are still living together until the divorce finalises and she moves out with their adult son. Since him mentioning this I have observed them and believe they are separate and I have also seen her with another man in town.

For the past few weeks we have been messaging back and forth. To start with he was a bit dry so I pulled away a bit but then when I did he started messaging more, showing more interest, asking more questions etc. He’s always very curious about where I’ve been and with whom…

As it stands now he messages me every day; he always messages first. Usually in the evenings (works for me as we are both working busy jobs and I have kids to put to bed when I get home). But where the frustration lies is that he’s not showing any indication about ever wanting to meet up. He’s told me he had been dating but hasn’t been lately. I can’t pretend I have a wild social life because he can literally see my car doesn’t move in the evenings haha! That said I have had some interest but my focus is being taken up with him.

We have both been hurt by our ex partners in similar circumstances and I understand that the proximity of where we live makes it a little more complicated but I also feel like the prolonged messaging is a waste of time really, unless he wants a friendship in which case that’s fine but I need to move on from messaging him in the evenings because my time is precious!

I guess I’m looking for some insight here. My friends feel he’s being cautious because of the neighbour situation and he’s been hurt in the past, they think I should take charge. But I don’t have the confidence to do that and also I feel that if he wanted to see me he’d be making plans to.

Thoughts, please! I’m new to the dating world after 15 long years.

Thanks all, I don’t think I’m going to ask him out but I am going to be less available when he messages as it’s likely a recipe for disaster.

I feel like he messages daily to check in and it’s a bit of a “remember me??” Message rather than actually wanting to take things forward.

breadcrumbing as I understand it is someone who throws “crumbs” to keep you interested but not actually wanting to commit or move things forward. Usually for their ego as when you reply you’re clearly interested. I think I have this right?! Others may give a better explanation!

I don't want to be unecessarily negative, but he seems very happy with this "flirty messaging, a little frisson from the proximity, no obligation" arrangement. A bit too happy perhaps?

He seems to be enjoying this - imaginary relationsip? But you cannot really infer anything about what he might have to offer in real life from this.

It certainly isn't a real thing as it stands. However I think this is probably just as well. Dating a neighbour you have never even met seems like an absolutely terrible idea. If you chat online then meet up and the guy turns out to have terrible breath/ peculiar political views/ creepy way with his hands you can just cross them off and never meet again. But a neighbour? Aaargh.

And suppose he now thinks you are 'his' in some way???

I would shut this down, and look further afield.

I’d be wary of this, sounds like he’s enjoying the ‘habit’ of someone there to talk too.
But if he’s made no aspirations of meeting ever, or even hinted at it, it might not be something that’s ‘real’ to him. Might just keep him ticking along or he might be enjoying the attention.

I mean is it even 100% definite that he is getting divorced from his wife.

If it was me and it was something that I’d want to take even 1% further I’d arrange to meet him for a coffee, even somewhere a bit out of the way.

His response will be telling, if he makes excuses or goes silent or out of his way to not meet up for an innocuous coffee then he has no intentions of taking it any further, or maybe still with his wife and can’t take it any further.

Ah I get it - breadcrumbing is a good name for it.
My daughter has a similar experience with a guy she met online. He was happy to talk to her every day but never suggested meeting up. She pushed it eventually and he faded away.

You haven’t got feelings for the guy, you have got feelings for the idea of this guy. You can’t have true feelings for somebody before you meet them.

I would concur with most that this is too close to home, I also would not go anywhere near a man still living with his wife.

I had one of these men when I was doing online dating. Separated but still living with the alleged ex while she looked for somewhere to live.

He messaged daily to initiate a chat, but wouldn't commit to meeting in person for coffee. I think he just liked the distraction and having someone to moan to about his "ex". I gave up on him after about a month of being used as a free therapist.

Your time would probably be better spent talking to men who really do want to meet you in person. Mine certainly was.

I agree with PPs that he lives too close. If he ever does agree to meet you, and it doesn't work out, getting rid of him could be tricky.

Thankyou all for your responses.

@DrMuppetMagnet sorry you went through similar and actually funnily enough through one of our conversations in the week I felt like I was being treated like a therapist for him to moan about his wife. I managed to steer the conversation back into “lighter” territory but I’ve noticed throughout the interactions he has a tendency to do this.

My living proximity aside in the situation, I find it very surprising how men will look for distraction over text and not want to initiate IRL dates… I thought coming into the OLD world that it would be all about men wanting to meet up for “physical” distractions, but this is all new to me!

I am very grateful I posted on here and have had my eyes opened a lot by your responses.

I wouldn't want to gt involved with a neighbour as say it finished and you dread bumping into him? Or he gets all stalkery (signs already).

Plus you said this "That said I have had some interest but my focus is being taken up with him. "

Don't have all your focus taken up by him. Just get back out there and have some fun.

Go easy on yourself, as you say, you're new (again) to dating and are dealing with your split and raising kids as well. Your radar isn't honed yet; this sounds like an infatuation and it's normal but should maybe be kept in check given all the points made by other posters. This is just the beginning of your new life; there are better options out there! This guy is wasting your time.

'Modern dating' is no different to any other dating:

If you feel uncomfortable, leave.
If you think there might be a red flag, leave.
If you think he might be breadcrumbing/gaslighting/any other modern phrase for crap behaviour, leave.

If he makes you feel good, consistently, see him again. If the two of you can keep that going for a few years, you have a stable relationship.

Nothing is new, @leafygreens51 Your feelings lead the way, and always have. If it feels good, stay. If you think something's up. leave. It's that simple. Compatible relationships don't have a 'Um... but maybe...?' in their beginnings. It's all 'yes'.

@leafygreens51 sorry the man is trying to treat you like a therapist too. Tedious, isn't it. Lots of other men out there though that do want to meet up. Some will be the physical distraction kind, but others will be decent men. In the end I decided I prefer being single but I had a lot of fun with internet dating (the laughter kind not the horny man-speak kind).

Watchkeys has some great advice in her post.

Stay safe and have fun!

This is literally NIMBY….

I was just going to say he's using you as a free therapist and emotional tampon when he's feeling bored.

Back away from him and try the online dating again.

First , write down exactly what you do and don't want. Write down your values and boundaries. It makes it easier not to be dragged along into something you don't want when you're clear with what you do want.

Anyone who doesn't want to meet within a week bin them.

A few chats, a facetime so you can see what they really look like, their mannerisms, etc and then meet somewhere for a coffee.

Rinse and repeat.

I wouldn't get involved with a neighbour, I wouldn't get involved with a man still living with his apparently soon to be ex. And nothing you say suggests anything dating wise to me anyhow

I had to Google what NIMBY meant! 😂 but YES!!

great advice all, thanks in particular @Watchkeys - I’m going to screenshot your entire message and retain for the future!