DH seems to resent my bond with DC

[snooztoots]

Looking for some outside perspectives on this. Just as it says on the tin really, my husband is starting to seem like he really resents my bond with DC.

Kids are 4 and 8 months. Oldest has always been quite clingy with me, will prefer me to do things for her or do bedtime etc. I don't feel it's anything out of the ordinary for a child her age really, and I know I always had a preference for mum when I was little so until recently it wasn't something I gave too much thought.

Since DS has been born however, DH mentions this more frequently. He talks about the dynamic feeling like its us against him, like he's outside of our gang or something. There have been lots of little comments about it as if it's a dynamic I'm actively encouraging (I'm not but I also won't try to dampen <my> bond with them either). He is generally a loving and very involved Dad so I don't think that's the issue here, I think it's just a simple case of young kids wanting their mum.

DD has never been a great sleeper and I've spent her whole life up and down most nights, putting her back to bed, comforting her, laying with her etc. This hasn't been practical since having the little one as I need to be available to him as a baby for night feeds, night time comforting etc. As a result DD has taken to cosleeping with us. She starts off in her own room, but invariably ends up climbing into our bed in the night. This isn't an issue for me but DH does not like it and has taken to sleeping in the spare room. He feels this only compounds the dynamic he thinks exists between us all. I'd prefer she sleeps in her own room but to be honest my main concern at this juncture is everyone getting a decent sleep

It feels like its becoming quite a big issue for us as a family and for our marriage and I'm not sure how to handle it. I think his approach would be to be very tough on her about it but I don't want to do that as it feels wrong to me, and I also don't want her kicking off and waking the baby (we've tried it and she really does kick off) and to be honest, anything for some sleep.

The sleeping arrangements are one thing, but his perception of the dynamic that exists between us is worrying to me.

Anyone have any thoughts?

What you’re doing sounds realistic and reasonable to me, it’s tough having a baby/little ones. Some men do seem to get resentful of a situation like this, I’ve seen it with friends & to be honest I don’t get it, it seems very immature to me for a man to say things along the lines of ‘you all vs me’

Talk to him about it, maybe try couples counselling if you can afford it.

Be open to compromises for the sake of your relationship but know what you’re comfortable with and don’t be bullied into anything you’re not happy with for the sake of a grown man’s fragile ego.

Thanks! It all does feel a little immature to me but he has a way of making it seem like he's the entirely reasonable one no matter the situation and that my perception is totally off so I have a tendency to doubt my instincts.

Why doesn't he take on dd at night?! He can take her back to he'd, lie with her etc? Increase his bond with her. Ditto take on more responsibility with dd on a day to day basis.

Or does he just want a bond without the time and effort that requires... not least the endless comfort when they are scared abs upset and, frankly, irritating.

Why doesn't he settle his own child at night? Or is child work women's work?

Do you take over when DD asks for you to do bedtime and he's doing it? If you never give him the chance to be the alternative parent it's not a surprise he's feeling 'pushed out' are you also breastfeeding? Not saying you should stop at all but it's probably just compounding his feelings.

If you don't talk to him about this and where his feelings are coming from you are really risking your marriage, you'll feel more resentment because you've now got 2 kids who only want mummy and he's already feeling pushed out so will distance himself more. You need to talk to each other. Maybe just agree that the next year will be difficult but not to make any snap decisions for a year?

I can understand a little of what he is feeling because I know if it was me feeling "outside the circle" how much it would hurt. I'm guessing you are on maternity leave and/or a STAHM? He is obviously making things work by isolating himself more by sleeping in separate rooms and so on - only way to overcome that it for you to step back and let him do more nights etc?

I’m guessing that you’re still on maternity leave and he’s working, so he has the double whammy of DD keeping him awake by sleeping in your bed when he’s got work the next day and also not being able to spend as much time with them as he’d like and feeling left out.

Now the baby’s 8 months and DD is 4, it sounds like getting her used to spending the night in her own bed is sensible. Both for your sleep and your marriage. Can you work together on this, but at weekends your DH is the one to settle her back down.

Your bond with your DD sounds lovely and you wouldn’t weaken it by encouraging her to accept her DF as an alternative.

I'm in the same boat. We've been going to marriage counseling and are talking about how jealous and pushed out he feels and how abandoned I feel. We are slowly seeing some improvements but it's got to a really bad place.

I've found a lot of men feel like this but won't actively parent the children and just expect them to do as told yet still have their children adore them, it doesn't work that way. They also don't listen to their partner who actually has read the books and spent time on maternity leave trying things out and has good advice because they see it as criticism or being told what to do.
You can't win.

He needs to parent more. Why is he sleeping in the spare room but not putting your daughter back in her own bed and doing all the hard work you were before baby number 2 arrived!

Oh it's bloody tough at that age.

It will get easier, promise.

Just get through it and expect things to be strained foranother couple of years.

He'll get closer to then as they get older.

No I don't take over, I leave them to it. He's only started doing bedtime since baby was born as I asked him to (to give me occasional breather).

Agree we need to talk. I've tried to suggest that he takes over dealing with baby in the night while I work on resetting DDs routines but he doesnt seem keen on that either. I don't think it's fair that to expect me to deal with both so it's easier to have both in room with me.

Well this is where he now needs to put the effort in. On a weekend he should spend time one on one with her, take her out so you are not available as an alternative and basically build a bond with her. Also evenings too.

I don't know why you have waited until after the baby was born to start him doing bedtimes. She has only known you and now this baby has come along and now she gets Daddy. Maybe it should be set days so that she knows on X day it is Daddy and Y day it is Mummy.

You can't change was has happened but you can change moving forward. It doesn't matter if he isn't keen, no one likes being woken up and having to deal with a child. So he does it because it is called parenting. Stop doing it all yourself, you have a husband. He can do it too.

OP,

You are doing a great job.

He sounds lazy and selfish and the fact that he hasn't done a bedtime routine until you 2nd arrived is unbelievable and tells its own tale.

Unbelievable!
4 years?
Truly unbelievable.

He's a lazy selfish man and its hardly surprising your children cling to you.

He also chooses to punish you for your children understandably being more attached to the parent that does most for them.

Please OP mind yourself and reach out to family and friends for support.

Perhaps if he was there actually comforting your children they would have a better attachment with him, but he leaves all of that to you and then berates you for their obvious connection to you.

He really doesn't sound great.

This! With our first my DH has not got the best bond, so with our second I suggested he take more of an active role. He didn't, and now we are in a position where he feels I make all the decisions and that it's us and him. And I get it. Because I do make the decisions and it often is us and him. But it really fucks me off that instead of recognising his (major) part in that, it's like it's my fault somehow. Instead of blaming you and expecting that you make the changes and effort to "sort" it for him, perhaps your husband could think about how he could improve his bond with your daughter and her to support her, and you, in making these changes.

He can't have his cake and eat it. He needs to actually put effort into changing the perceived dynamic. He needs to get up to your toddler while you deal with the baby. Having her in the bed in the short term is allowing you to sleep but long-term i think its really negative for everyone involved. On the weekends he needs to take the toddler out and do fun things to build memorise with her. Maybe he could do that once a month and take the baby once a month so both kids get a bit on one to one time.

Know him well do you?

Honestly I can sympathise with him. You need a open conversation to discuss expectations and strategies to create a cohesive family unit.

I agree. Especially as the baby is 8 months so op is clearly on mat leave, 4 yr old might be in school but is probably in nursery.. ops husband is working full time after a night of broken sleep. It's
Hard!

Parent preference is very common at this age and often leaves the non-preferred parent upset. Big Little Feelings on IG have a good segment on how to approach it, validating their preference but ultimately saying it’s daddy’s turn to do bedtime.

How much time does DH spend with the kids, how much of that is alone time without you doing everything for them? If you are their primary carer and they only see him for 1-2 hours in the evening then of course they have a stronger bond with you. He could start taking them out on his own at weekends and getting up with them sorting their breakfast etc, sounds like you could use the break. Also, if he doesn’t like DD coming to your bed, he can be the one to take her back and resettle her every night. (Fwiw our DD does the same thing, DH doesn’t mind, if he did he’s welcome to get up and sort her out)

My DD is almost 4, DH works long hours, is gone before she gets up and comes home usually around 6pm. Up until recently she had a strong preference for me, sometimes wouldn’t even say hello to him when he got home. (although 6-7pm is their time and we alternate bedtimes, always have) Recently due to some of my health issues DH started taking DD to school every morning and also doing every bedtime and on Saturdays they do a class together. It has worked wonders for their relationship and she loves him and shows him that now.

Thanks everyone. I agree with posters who have said it's probably time to sort out the sleeping arrangements but I think I feel resentful that it seems to be on me to do that. I mentioned to him that I was happy to deal with DDs night waking and take her back to her bed each time but that means he would need to deal with baby. He didn't seem keen on that either. I know he's working but I can't be in two places at once so I'm not sure what else I can do. If he's not willing to take on one of them, then how can I solve the problem?

The sleeping is one part of this story, the wider issue about DDs attachment is another thing I think I feel resentment about in the sense that he seems to think that's my fault. If he wants a closer bond with her, I don't feel like I should have to manage it for him, tell him how to achieve it etc. I accept that for the sake of compromise I probably need to take a more active role in that, but ultimately I feel like why should I?

I put in alot of effort as primary caregiver just by default, rather than actively thinking about what I do, and that's why things are how they are.I'll happily take a step back but if he is was honest, I don't think he really wants the reality of that either.

OP,

If he wants a close relationship with his children, he needs to be involved.

Of course your daughter isn't close to a father who has for 3-4 years has never done a bedtime routine.

So ridiculous.

Only loser avoidant parents behave like that.

Of course your child senses that her father has no interest.

Children are not stupid.

They instinctively know who provides them with nuture and care, and they gravitate towards those people.

You say he is otherwise very involved?

What exactly does that mean?

Not ever doing bed time is such a huge thing to have never been involved with, ever, until you had to push it with a new baby.

We read a lot about awful lazy men that are "amazing fathers" that invariably isn't true.

What exactly does he do that makes you think he is involved and bonded with his in particular 4 year old.

The minute my husband walked in the door in the evening, my babies in my arm would immediately reach out for him to take them in his arms.

That is a bonded baby.

My children always ran to him the minute he came through the door, losing complete interest in me🙏.

That's bonded.

They knew instinctively that Daddy was very interested in them.

This is not on you to fix.
Don't be bullied into fixing a problem his disengagement has caused.

Thanks. You asked what he does to make me think he's a loving and involved dad. He plays with her a lot (much more than me), he loves to cook and tries to involve her in that, was very involved in potty training etc. She does ask for him and runs to him when she comes home from nursery so in all honestly, I'm not sure I'd even have said or thought there was an attachment issue if he hadn't been making comments about feeling removed from us as a unit.

Then thats fair enough if you really do feel he is involved.

Bed time is a special time though, and involved parents do this.

It certainly doesn't have to be a long time. Ours was a 15 minute routine.

I think you really need to push back and tell HIM to read up on how to strengthen his bond with the children, tell him to investigate how to improve things.

If you do this for him, you are only setting yourself up more as family fixer.

Not a good dynamic.

Just more of the mental load for you to carry.

Some men love to pass the fix it jobs on.

This is on him.

You have a long road ahead of you parenting wise.

Do not accept the burden of HIS relationship with HIS children.

That is for him to value, nurture and develop.

Good men take responsibility for their relationship with THEIR children.

Lazy men push the responsibility of this on their wives.

Don't take on the full mental load of your family, you will bitterly regret it if you do.

On a practical level can you put Dd on a mattress in your room so that you all sleep. We did that when DS was constantly waking and coming in. He was old enough to not be with us but needed security so we allowed him to come in and sleep on the floor without waking us. Hated go sleeping as no one sleeps. As we both work ft that was essential.