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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this suspicious

27 replies

Ugo · 30/04/2023 14:07

Other half has his own plumbing company.
recently he had been doing some work for a female friend of a friend.

There is no back story, we are happily married, so I thought. Never any trust issues. But I will pre-fix this with saying I’m peri so my hormones are all over & I don’t know if I’m over reacting.

Basically, he’s mentioned her ++ at times other times is cagey if I mention her. She rang him while we were on holiday & he was super quick to silence his phone. He told me he’d finished the work, then a week later he’s back round there saying there’s something else to do. I have been open & asked him if there is anything going on & if he fancies her, he said no. He said he’d show me all communication with her & he has.

All messages are mostly mundane. But one conversation a message she sent has been deleted, she then asks him how long he’ll be at her house as she has a bed being delivered. He replied saying he’ll be there all day, she then says send me a pic & he says what of? She replies ‘🤣🤣 the work’!
Im not happy as it reads to me like sending dick pics. He says not, he was doing multiple jobs & he didn’t know what she wanted a pic of.

OP posts:

ConstitutionHill · 30/04/2023 14:12

Well she is definitely flirting and I would not be happy. I would expect him to finish the work pronto and not do any more for her. He surely has to admit that her double entendre message was a come on? How would he feel if he saw the same message to you from a bloke?

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 14:13

If you're suspicious, it's suspicious to you, and you need to do something about it to get the facts and/or get reassured adequately.

Whether we think it's suspicious or not doesn't really matter. Some people might think it was suspicious if their partner was 10 minutes late home, some might not think it was if their partner didn't come home all night.

Respect your own feelings, not ours.

Original poster

Ugo · 30/04/2023 14:20

@Watchkeys you’re right of course & that’s the reply I thought I’d get. He has worked away for weeks at a time & not once have I not trusted him, for some reason this doesn’t sit right. He has tried to reassure me & I have no reason not to believe him but something is niggling.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 14:23

What happened when you spoke to him about it? How did you approach it? How did he respond?

Original poster

Ugo · 30/04/2023 14:32

When he mentioned going back I just calmly asked if there was anything going on & if he wanted anything to be going on, he looked hurt, said no & why did I think that. I then listed all the little things I’ve been worried about & said would you be happy for me to see all communication about the work he said yes & gave me his phone.

OP posts:

samestyle · 30/04/2023 14:37

Sounds like she's not even there when he's working, no it doesn't sound suspicious has something happened in the past to make you doubt?

MMmomDD · 30/04/2023 14:43

I don’t believe that any feeling is justified - and it only must seem suspicious to you.
There are irrational feelings and they can and do lead to baseless allegations, and even abuse.
Plenty of women here talk about their controlling partners accusing them of all kinds with just a ‘feeling’.

Peri- is a time when hormones can play with our heads, and it’s good that you recognise that.

That said - i don’t know anything about your H and this woman. Maybe she did flirt with him. But I don’t think she was asking for a dick pick in that message - I think it’s a massive leap on your side.

In the end of the day - it doesn’t seem like he is hiding anything - he is trying to reassure you and showing his phone is certainly a good sign.
FWIW - I doubt it’s the first or the last female that has flirted with him as he works. I am sure he is able to deal with it in a professional way.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/04/2023 14:50

He replied saying he’ll be there all day, she then says send me a pic & he says what of? She replies ‘🤣🤣 the work’!
Im not happy as it reads to me like sending dick pics. He says not, he was doing multiple jobs & he didn’t know what she wanted a pic of.

I don't think that reads as flirting on either part, just a clarification of what she wanted to see. If he'd said, "Erm, a pic of what?! 😳😜🍆" that would be different. In his shoes, I also might have thought she meant she wanted a pic of the delivery to make sure it was the right item.

The reason you've got concerns is because his behaviour about this job is slightly different - firstly a lot of mentions, then shutting the conversation down about her, then silencing his phone. That's raised your concerns, you've asked him, he's shown you his phone in response.

I think the bottom line here is probably that he fancies her a bit, but he's not going to do anything about it. Which is exactly what should happen in a successfully monogamous relationship.

I personally believe that most people will cheat, and often get away with it, BTW, so I'm not coming at this from a naive standpoint.

Original poster

Ugo · 30/04/2023 14:57

No she’s hardly there when he’s working. It’s just the tone of the messages.

Another msg she asks if he needs something dropping off & he’s working in another county that day so replies, if you want to come to X.
So I’m not saying it’s her.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 14:58

I personally believe that most people will cheat, and often get away with it, BTW, so I'm not coming at this from a naive standpoint

But most people don't cheat, so what do you base this on, other than naivety, @EvenMoreFuriousVexation ?

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 15:00

It’s just the tone of the messages

How would you feel if that was the extent of it? A bit of flirting between 2 people who are attracted to each other, and nothing else?

Original poster

Ugo · 30/04/2023 15:07

If they were flirting I’d be pissed off as A) he is married to me & I would never text another bloke flirting, work or no work. B) she has nothing to lose so could ramp it up with no worries.

OP posts:

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/04/2023 15:13

You mention a comment from her was deleted. Did you ask him what was deleted and why?

dietcokelime · 30/04/2023 15:18

Ugo · 30/04/2023 14:57

I think if she's hardly there when he's working then I wouldn't be reading into it tbh. They sound friendly messages but not flirty to me - the photo thing I would assume she wanted photos of the work he was doing as she was away.

Original poster

Ugo · 30/04/2023 15:29

The deleted message he said he didn’t see. The request for a photo is odd as she is moving into the house & pops in most days so can see the progress. I guess I’ll never know.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 15:38

I think that's the thing: you may never know. He may have another phone and be having affairs all over the place. He may be completely innocent. The important thing isn't your right-ness about your suspicions. It's how you feel.

How are you going to deal with it? What do you need to happen, to make you feel better about it? What would work?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/04/2023 16:03

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 14:58

I personally believe that most people will cheat, and often get away with it, BTW, so I'm not coming at this from a naive standpoint

But most people don't cheat, so what do you base this on, other than naivety, @EvenMoreFuriousVexation ?

What do I base what on - my personal beliefs? They're founded in personal experience and statistics. This article by the BBC has links to proper peer-reviewed research:
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190625-why-we-need-to-talk-about-cheating

I've personally never been in a relationship where there wasn't at least one instance of physical infidelity (ie a sex act, flirting and kissing wouldn't count to me) on one or both sides.

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 16:08

The article doesn't say that most people cheat, and your experience isn't a balanced societal study.

I'm sorry that's happened to you, it sounds shit.

Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 16:18

ConstitutionHill · 30/04/2023 14:12

What> how’s she flirting for gods sake.

booboo24 · 30/04/2023 19:53

I would say from the outside it seems innocent enough, and could easily have been him meaning he didn't know what she wanted a picture of. Whether she's flirting or not shouldn't matter too much if he's trustworthy, but I know it isn't always as black and white as that in our heads!
The only red flag for me is the deletion but it sounds like she sent something but deleted it before he had read it, is that correct?

Beenaroundtheblocktoomanytimes · 30/04/2023 22:16

She's flirting for sure. Is she single?

@Ugo - has his work finished at this woman's house or is it on going? Did he have to return because that was part of the schedule of work or she 'found' further work for him to do?

I personally would be very wary from personal experience. Very similar situation with my H which led to an affair which tore our family to pieces. The customer kept engineering reasons he needed to return to do further work. Ringing/texting in a similar vein. There are female predators out there who think nothing of flirting and doing what they can to get what they want. Doesn't matter if it's a married man, particularly one who appears very unavailable/dedicated to his wife/ family.

If there was/is mentionitis on his part and multiple texts that really don't need to continue once work has finished then I would be hypervigilant.

Yes, according to MN, men are 100% responsible for boundaries and any ensuing affair BUT as mentioned above, any man can have his head turned particularly if it is being offered to him on a plate.

In my case, I spoke to the OW, who admitted it had all been just 'a bit of fun' for her and so what if he was married... and didn't see why I couldn't just get over HIS mistake and resume my long marriage😬 🙄

stepMummY1 · 30/04/2023 22:55

Does his name begin with T @Ugo ?

SarahDippity · 30/04/2023 23:00

The deleted message could be something she had sent to the wrong person … but normally someone would say in the next message, ‘sorry, wrong Paul! Ignore that last message!’

It reads to me like you don’t like her tone as a client, rather than his tone as the service provider. Which I can understand, but just be careful you are not blaming him unduly.

Original poster

Ugo · 01/05/2023 06:40

No not a T.

On WhatsApp either party can delete the message, so I have no idea who did. I wish now that I’d tried to undelete it. The work was never complete apparently, there was always extra work he just didn’t tell me. So he’s still not finished! Something feels off, he’s carrying on as normal. He says she’s just a normal customer, same as everyone else. He says he can’t believe I’d think that low of him, he hates cheating as one of his parents did. I use his laptop from time to time so could access all texts & emails if I wanted. But what’s the point, if I don’t trust him, I don’t trust him.

OP posts:

Blueblell · 01/05/2023 07:00

The deleted text could have been deleted by the sender. I have done it before when sending something to the wrong person by mistake and quickly deleting it before it’s read.

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