Does your husband try to see things through your eyes? Point of view..

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

I’m struggling to sort this out in my head..
if I say something that’s a problem or whatever and my husband says it’s not a problem for me should that be an end to it or should there be some sort of empathy or adjustment for my point of view?
ranges from silly examples - me saying put the umbrella in the car and him saying no as he doesn’t think it will rain to me saying he’s being a bit moody to saying slow down a bit driving.
sp for the rain if then I say well I think it may do and put it in myself then comes an argument of why his opinion doesn’t matter or an eye roll.
the driving one is because I have been in a serious car accident and get anxious but he takes it a criticism of his driving and says we are safe..
it’s hard to explain but I always get how he feels. He often says I am over reacting but I have said but that’s how I feel if I feel annoyed at him or something - if he can’t see why it’s an over reaction from me.
not sure I’m explaining this well!

Why don't you just rake an umbrella yourself without mentioning it if you want to take one?

We get in the car and everyone brings or leaves what they do and don't want.

As for his driving, hard to know unless there, but has he ever had an accident? Is he speeding? Is he unsafe or are you just uncomfortable? This may warrant a sit down conversation at home, not in car, with you explaining how you feel in the car, any car, it's not just him surely, even if it is say it isn't.

Sometimes it's how and when you talk not what you talk about.

In answer to your question yes my H sees things from my point of view but that's because we talk about stuff all the time as needs arise.

So the umbrella example was me sat in the car already him leaving and me saying could you grab it. He said no and I said but it may rain and he said it won’t, I said but I think it might could you just in case. He huffed and I had to get out the car to get myself.
the road I have spoken at great length about the impact on me but it makes no difference. He is not particularly unsafe but I have certain triggers he is aware of and I want him to be mindful of.
I do try to sit and talk but I get the response of “I don’t think that” I always say that’s fine as you are a different person to me but I do. But then I get “why is what you think right and not me?” It’s very draining as im not trying to be right but he does t seem to get that..

He knows it’s any car.

He often says I am over reacting

Why does he know the 'correct' level to which you should be reacting? You are over-reacting according to what rules/guidelines?

Yes exactly. I am not throwing things and shouting and screaming.
I always have to defend why I feel how I do and say it’s not an over reaction it’s how I feel- for example hurt, upset frustrated but he seems to tell me how I should feel according to how he feels..

Then he's an insensitive arsehole. Excuse my language, but I couldn't think of a more appropriate word. He doesn't get to tell you what your feelings should be. Not unless you let him.

But his defence is that why should it be my way, my feelings and not his.
i find this so confusing way of thinking! I’m not saying my way is right but for example the umberella it would be why should he get it and me be right and not leave it. (Silly example but that way of thinking..)

im confused as I know I should t be right all the time and we both have our own minds and ways of thinking which is fine but he is always saying that it’s my way or nothing..

Well, that's up to him then, but if he offers you no understanding, it'll be pretty hard to keep the love alive from your side.

Surely it's better to have an umbrella just in case, and for your reassurance, rather than for anybody to be insisting that they're right or wrong? Neither of you can see into the future, and whether it's raining there or not.

Is that the thing? That he thinks his feelings are 'right'? Did he think you were trying to prove him wrong by saying 'It might rain'? How frail his ego must be, to even need to prove his right-ness on such an insignificant matter.

I'm not sure I understand, because it sounds like you're suggesting that you should have control over his actions at all times.

In the umbrella example, you think it's going to rain, and he doesn't. If it means that much to you, why can't you put the umbrella in the car?

Maybe it would help to have a conversation about what accommodations can reasonably be made for your anxiety, and what impact it's having on him, so that you can see things from his perspective. Sounds draining for you both unless you can meet in the middle.

It just so difficult as he takes a lot of what I say as criticism like I’m questioning him all the time too.
im really not. I often say why can’t you just think in your head (for example well she’s taking it but doesn’t need it) but just say ok no problems and do what I want.
Everything is a battle a power struggle and I’m exhausted.

Do everything for yourself, OP. Filter out his usefulness... that's what he's doing anyway, but it will frustrate you less if you just do what you want and don't expect him to be on your side.

Your relationship is ruined though. He doesn't care about how you feel, only about proving himself right against your wrong. That's not love.

Your marriage is a misery. What's the point of it? Your life shouldn't be this hard.

It’s not all misery but I see your point. It’s this one thing I can get passed or through to him about ruining all the better stuff

He sounds selfish.

My partner will listen/ see things from my eyes and vice versa because that's how it should be. A partnership
For example DP hates! Our front door because you can't open it without the key from outside even if unlocked you have to turn the key and pull the handle at the same time. He complained about getting locked out and wanted to change it, I said that I love the door because we don't have to worry about strangers walking in (have had this happen when I lived alone) absolutely blew his mind that I thought that way but the door still locks him out 😂

He seems to think it's a competition. That either your feelings matter OR his feelings matter. He doesn't think there is space for both. Both your feelings matter and yours don't have to be quashed to make space for his.

Ah love that! So lovely he doesn’t think the same but is willing to do what you want to make you happy, lovely!

Hi OP, I completely understand where you are coming from as my relationship is the same. I have decided to keep trying to work at it for the kids, but it can be very very draining. I honestly just keep some distance and try to think more selfishly. It's a tough one and sorry I cant offer more advice, just comfort hopefully in being in simular circumstances. Loved Watchkeys comment, as always :)xx

I have this issue with my husband too. I just go ahead and sort my own needs out, be they umbrella-type stuff or evening activities, or buying my own gifts (dh is clueless about what I like and always has been).

I do find it exhausting and it feels like I'm having to be very hard-nosed and independent. I've shut him out of a lot of intimate moments as he doesn't deserve to be in there tbh.

It's not 100%of the time.

But it doesn't matter about the better stuff. A relationship's health is diagnosed via what happens when things go wrong. Complete strangers can have fun, a good laugh, great sex etc. anybody can do it. But finding someone who sticks with you when things are hard is what defines a relationship. You and your husband can't even unite about a decision regarding an umbrella.

This is exactly what my exh was like. No flexibility, no understanding... in the end I left him. I now have a partner was is just so much more aware of my feelings and doesn't feel the need to make everything into a battle. It's like stepping out from under a dark cloud!

I often feel I am walking under a cloud! Oh when I re read my comment when I said my way or nothing that’s not my husbands way but he thinks that by doing what I have asked that it’s always my way and not his. It all feels so petty and complicated. I’m like why can’t you just shrug and say ok then but his response is why can’t you.. so the argument would be why couldn’t I shrug and say ok leave the umbrella. I have never had such strange arguments in my life!

It all feels so petty and complicated

This is what denotes an unhealthy dynamic. Think about people you know and love and have mutual respect with. Do you ever feel that they're petty, or that disagreements with them are petty? Is it ever complicated?

Your dynamic with your husband gives you unhealthy feelings.

I have been living this life for over 30 years. I am now leaving.

I didn’t want to be right, I just wanted to be allowed to have my own opinions about things. But my husband turned it into a power struggle and he had to be right all the time..

He was very sensitive to criticism and I got regularly got bollocked for using the wrong tone of voice. He would tell me I was too sensitive. I used to think that if only I could find the right set of words to explain, he would understand.

I had the car thing too. I have actually been in three car accidents,as the passenger and I have twice been badly hurt. My husband was the driver in two of these. He would get very very offended when I asked him to slow down at times.

In the end I stopped asking, but as drives made me so anxious I did everything I could not to be a passenger with him.

He convinced me that there was something wrong with me until I went to see a highly qualified therapist. She has said he is an emotional bully and believes he has narcissistic traits. I now see this.

I also realise that most of the time he understood me, he just wanted to stay top dog. I have spent the last 8 years being totally fake just to avoid his anger. I felt I couldn’t even tell him when he did things like putting things like cutlery in all the wrong places. That would me ‘criticising him’ and was not allowed.

Now I would ask ‘Does your partner treat you as his equal?’ For me it was a resounding no.

Im not saying your husband is this bad, but I would suggest you do anything you can to resolve it. In my experience it doesn’t get better. Advice needs to come from a professional as he already doesn’t think your opinions matter.

Please read the Matthew Fry blog ‘why my wife divorced me because I left a glass by the sink’ His case is that he wouldn’t do the things she wanted, but I think not caring about seeing a partners point of view is much the same.

My STBXH is devastated. He didn’t see it coming. But as far as I am concerned he is the architect of his own demise.

Omg that blog is spot on!!! That’s what I have said. He comes up with reasons all the time as to why he does or does t do something and I have said that is logic and I just want you to hear that xyz was important to me and as such the reasons don’t really matter..
but he doesn’t get it.
I often wonder if he is neurodiverse as he looks completely blank at me he just doesn’t get it