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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner wants me to return to work and be a stay at home?

39 replies

Wanderlust94 · 30/04/2023 12:48

So I wanted to be a stay at home mom and my partner discussed the option with me prior to me giving birth and said the option would be there. We then had a fight and he took the option of the table. I do all the chores, cooking, cleaning even when he makes a mess I clean it, ironing, washing, you name it I do it. I also do everything for our son and he does things here and there but does spend time playing with him. I told him I wasn’t sure about going work and he assured me I have to as we need to split the rent and bills in half and whatever. But my concern is he does no chores today I had my return to work meeting and he was meant to watch our 10 month old whilst I was in the other room and he slept through and the baby stayed in the play pen. I’m just worried that I’ll have to work and split the bills and rent and then also do the chores or it’ll be a mess for when I finish work and I’ll have to do dinner etc and tidy. I’m also a manager and have to stay back to finish paperwork (I work from home) and he said no, when it’s time to log off you have to log off. But we get managed on everything and if it’s not done then it’s a problem. He said you can’t log off late as then it’ll be little ones bedtime and you won’t see him. Well hello this is my issue about retuning to work. I work from 8:30am-5:30am and by the time I log out it’s 6:30/7pm? And my job starts at 8am when people start calling in sick. I just don’t know?

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/04/2023 13:32

There's nothing to be confused about here. Your so-called partner is telling you that he wants you to work and do every last scrap of the housework. All of it. And that isn't acceptable, so I would suggest you tell him this. You both work, you split housework 50/50. If he doesn't step up, you take care of your needs and your baby's and not his. He gets no clean laundry, no meals cooked, nothing. And especially no sex.

If after this he still doesn't get it, you leave him.

freyamay74 · 30/04/2023 13:35

Both work. Split housework, cooking, nursery pick ups etc equally between you. It's perfectly reasonable for him to not want to be the sole earner. Entirely unreasonable to expect you to go to work and do everything at home too

RudsyFarmer · 30/04/2023 13:39

Go back to work and leave your partner. He sounds fucking awful. Do not quit your job and rely on him. It will be disastrous

YouJustDoYou · 30/04/2023 13:45

Congratulations. You have procreated with a useless manchild.

mbosnz · 30/04/2023 13:47

Well, what say you put a third option (choice) on the table? I.e. that you will leave him, be working full time, you parent 50/50, he does his domestic grunt work, and you do yours, in separate households?

Tinkerbyebye · 30/04/2023 13:49

You may as well leave. Go back to work and sort yourself out.

frozendaisy · 30/04/2023 13:51

He sounds controlling and unreasonable.

You have to split bills but he's dictating how you do your job. Well the world doesn't spin around your man-godcomplex-child, your work/boss dictates your job as they pay you not your partner. I presume you pointed this out.

So half bills, he does half childcare, which includes nursery, school pick up drop offs, half mornings half mealtimes and bedtimes.

Half household, including laundry, food shopping, admin, car maintenance, garage costs, cleaning, gardening.

Half of sick days with child, they get ill a fair bit.

Half of school holidays.

Pay for half of child's needs. New clothes, trips, presents.

Half of party invites.
Half medical appointments.

You need to draw up a contract and don't leave anything out.

I think in your case you should return to work, do you really want him to be in complete control of the money whilst you are out of the workforce, losing pension contributions, career progress etc and having to ask or defend yourself if you need a new pair of trainers? Or want a night out without him?

If you do stay at home you need an amount of money for you, just you, every month off him, would he agree?

Don't get caught in his controlling trap.

You are lucky he has shown a little how it will be.

Look at the threads on here, want to leave but have no money. This will be you in 5 years. Or could be.

It's easy the days you work late he does the domestic childcare, on days you don't you do it. What's the problem with that?

If he isn't going to split EVERYTHING everything 50/50 and you pay 50/50 you are a mug. He's just one man who now thinks he has a paying house slave, god wouldn't we all like one of those, but this is real life, your life. He needs a reality check. Don't give him control you will regret it.

AnotherEmma · 30/04/2023 13:59

LTB, go back to work, use proper childcare, make sure he pays child maintenance.

Why do women procreate with such shit men? Presumably he didn't do any housework before, either?!

pointythings · 30/04/2023 14:04

@AnotherEmma to be fair, men do change. I married a man who utterly pulled his weight at home, and even when the DC came along he did his fair share of staying home when they were ill. Then stuff happened, he changed and he ended up doing the square root of fuck all at home. Well, no. I tell a lie. He did more than his share of the drinking.

freyamay74 · 30/04/2023 14:05

@AnotherEmma fair point. I find it hard to believe all these men are perfectly decent reasonable partners and then the minute they become a parent they turn overnight into useless deadbeats.

I imagine, OP, that before you had a kid, you were doing all the housework, laundry, cooking, even in your own words 'clearing up the mess he made' as well as your job? Why on earth did you think having a child with him would be a good idea?
Honestly I despair sometimes. Even if you didn't mind being a doormat, spare a thought for the child being brought into that family dynamic and how damaging it is for a child to be brought up to think this is what a relationship looks like.

Dotcheck · 30/04/2023 14:09

Ah, another man who doesn’t appreciate the value of having someone else do all the household chores, but has managed to calculate that it is beneath him.

Myauntiesmustache · 30/04/2023 14:10

frozendaisy · 30/04/2023 13:51

He sounds controlling and unreasonable.

You have to split bills but he's dictating how you do your job. Well the world doesn't spin around your man-godcomplex-child, your work/boss dictates your job as they pay you not your partner. I presume you pointed this out.

So half bills, he does half childcare, which includes nursery, school pick up drop offs, half mornings half mealtimes and bedtimes.

Half household, including laundry, food shopping, admin, car maintenance, garage costs, cleaning, gardening.

Half of sick days with child, they get ill a fair bit.

Half of school holidays.

Pay for half of child's needs. New clothes, trips, presents.

Half of party invites.
Half medical appointments.

You need to draw up a contract and don't leave anything out.

I think in your case you should return to work, do you really want him to be in complete control of the money whilst you are out of the workforce, losing pension contributions, career progress etc and having to ask or defend yourself if you need a new pair of trainers? Or want a night out without him?

If you do stay at home you need an amount of money for you, just you, every month off him, would he agree?

Don't get caught in his controlling trap.

You are lucky he has shown a little how it will be.

Look at the threads on here, want to leave but have no money. This will be you in 5 years. Or could be.

It's easy the days you work late he does the domestic childcare, on days you don't you do it. What's the problem with that?

If he isn't going to split EVERYTHING everything 50/50 and you pay 50/50 you are a mug. He's just one man who now thinks he has a paying house slave, god wouldn't we all like one of those, but this is real life, your life. He needs a reality check. Don't give him control you will regret it.

This is a very sensible post, please take note OP !

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/04/2023 14:15

He sounds incredibly controlling. He doesn't get to dictate how you live your life, it's a partnership.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 30/04/2023 14:17

Please whatever you do, dont have any more kids with this POS

Myauntiesmustache · 30/04/2023 14:17

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 30/04/2023 14:17

Please whatever you do, dont have any more kids with this POS

This ^ with bells on !!

Wanderlust94 · 30/04/2023 14:23

He did used to do chores and tidy up and help with cooking etc take the bins out or just whatever to help but he stopped when I was mid pregnancy

OP posts:
tailinthejam · 30/04/2023 14:24

Who died and made him king?

loislovesstewie · 30/04/2023 14:31

LTB. That's it. You will be looking after 2 kids, him and the baby.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 30/04/2023 14:43

Split the chores and the week.

For example he does all school/nursery drop offs and you do all pick ups (or vice versa, or split the 10 drop offs/picks ups 5 each).

Sit down with a complete list of chores and divide up who is doing what. Ensure tasks that he is responsible for has a direct impact on him, I.e. he purchases lunch box stuff and packs the lunch box the night before he's doing the school run. If he doesn't do his task, he's flapping in the morning trying to pack a lunch with no ingredients whilst simultaneously getting kid ready for school/nursery whilst you've already left for work.

Allow him to fail and correct his own failures, but don't let him blame you for his failures or step in to help.

If he doesn't willingly take this on as an equal partner and parent, then leave. He doesn't respect you or deserve you; it really is that simple.

AnotherEmma · 30/04/2023 14:55

Wanderlust94 · 30/04/2023 14:23

He did used to do chores and tidy up and help with cooking etc take the bins out or just whatever to help but he stopped when I was mid pregnancy

I apologise for my comment, then.
So he knows how to be a decent human being, he just has no respect for the mother of his child, who is he supposed to love 🙄 What an utter arsehole.
Perhaps you could try asking him why he expected you to become his maid and nanny as soon as he did you the favour of impregnating you?!

Mariposista · 30/04/2023 14:56

You both need to get off your arses and work, and share the household stuff. You’re both adults, start acting like adults.

pointythings · 30/04/2023 14:58

@Mariposista have you even read OP's posts? She is on mat leave but normally does work. Long hours and in a responsible job, at that. She also does all the housework. She isn't the problem here.

Artichokepiglet · 30/04/2023 15:03

You're not going to be able to WFH look after a child at the same time though. Does he realise this?

Would he still be happy to take on 50% of the housework in return for you bringing home an extra £40 a month after childcare?

Scottishskifun · 30/04/2023 15:47

Wanderlust94 · 30/04/2023 14:23

He did used to do chores and tidy up and help with cooking etc take the bins out or just whatever to help but he stopped when I was mid pregnancy

Tell him to stop being lazy and your not a maid?????

Either your a sahp and do bulk of housework or you both contribute which also means housework!!

Also 50/50 paying only works if your salaries are similar if not then should be a ratio of pay. So I earn more then DH so I pay 65% of the bills, he pays 35% as that's fair.

freyamay74 · 30/04/2023 15:51

@Wanderlust94

If he was genuinely a perfectly reasonable partner who shared everything equally and was equally happy as you to become a parent and then mid way through the pregnancy, while you were still working presumably, stopped doing everything like laundry, housework, cooking and became a controlling bastard, then that's a very unusual situation. Usually there would be signs long before this, such as prioritising his own career, expecting you to do more domestic stuff etc.

All you can do is set out the position: he knows perfectly well what's reasonable behaviour because he was fine until fairly recently. He simply cannot refuse to do his share. The only point where he is being reasonable is not wanting to be sole earner. It's not reasonable to expect to stay at home unless both parents agree. But he absolutely needs to switch back to doing his share

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