Partner wants me to return to work and be a stay at home?

[Wanderlust94]

So I wanted to be a stay at home mom and my partner discussed the option with me prior to me giving birth and said the option would be there. We then had a fight and he took the option of the table. I do all the chores, cooking, cleaning even when he makes a mess I clean it, ironing, washing, you name it I do it. I also do everything for our son and he does things here and there but does spend time playing with him. I told him I wasn’t sure about going work and he assured me I have to as we need to split the rent and bills in half and whatever. But my concern is he does no chores today I had my return to work meeting and he was meant to watch our 10 month old whilst I was in the other room and he slept through and the baby stayed in the play pen. I’m just worried that I’ll have to work and split the bills and rent and then also do the chores or it’ll be a mess for when I finish work and I’ll have to do dinner etc and tidy. I’m also a manager and have to stay back to finish paperwork (I work from home) and he said no, when it’s time to log off you have to log off. But we get managed on everything and if it’s not done then it’s a problem. He said you can’t log off late as then it’ll be little ones bedtime and you won’t see him. Well hello this is my issue about retuning to work. I work from 8:30am-5:30am and by the time I log out it’s 6:30/7pm? And my job starts at 8am when people start calling in sick. I just don’t know?

He’s controlling you.

This, & depending on your current earning power, with the added option of LTB, & going for 50/50 childcare.

But you split childcare costs and it's only until child goes to school then the costs drop considerably. Does the OP want to stall her career and financial independence with someone who now, now, says he wants her to pay 50/50 AND do everything at home?

Especially if they are not married. She has no legal claims on his pension if she stays at home and doesn't work. You put yourself in a vulnerable financial position that can have repercussions for the rest of your life. Throughout retirement. You can be the loving nurturer, letting the big boss man enjoy career progression, coming home to a warm, loving, clean home, happy kids, good food, plenty of leisure time and in 15 years he could say, "I don't love you anymore" and walk away happy as larry because he still has his income, pension, investments and you are left high and dry.

This is why if you both decide one is a stay at home, get married. Do not do it without marriage. It might "only be a piece of paper" but under the stay at home circumstances it's a very, very important piece of paper. If he won't do that then do not, do not give up work. No marriage no stay at home, if marriage is too hard, or not important to him, it doesn't mean anything, fine, but then he does half of everything, or proportional if you like.

Start making a note of daily , weekly and monthly tasks , do it for a week or so so you don't forget anything. Include childcare drop offs, cover for illness etc etc and then you need to sit down and write who's going to do what when you go back to work
You may jointly decide to get a cleaner if that is an option? Then you can write that against some of the tasks but will still be a lot to cover (obviously)
You both need to really stick to it

Ah, another man who doesn’t appreciate the value of having someone else do all the household chores

This!

Either you stay at home and look after your children and the home while your husband works, or you both work and split the childcare and housework 50/50.

Also, being sahm is not a treat for him to give or take away, it is a family decision, I wouldn't do it without marriage (civil partnership) and all income going in to joint account . Otherwise he will see his income as his, and frankly you will need paying for the role you do
It's not as simple as it seems though but if the discussion I mentioned before about tasks doesn't go well then this is what the discussion is.

Yes, I'd definitely want to be married and commitment before becoming a sahm. He needs to appreciate you more!

He’s a fucking twat.

Do not become a SAHM and unpaid skivvy for this man , go back to work and divide the chores , if he doesn’t do his share then leave him , it won’t improve .

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I was expected to bring in a salary and split bills and also be a full time housekeeper cook and parent. I’d offer him doing half the work at home and you go back to work, or you stay home, and if he took this option or didn’t deliver on A then my plan c is leaving. I think you will end up at plan C. You don’t owe him this relationship or him living with his child if he doesn’t do anything for it, don’t feel guilty about this if you choose plan c.
re half the work at home- make it include pick baby up from childcare and cooking dinner. Then you don’t have to leave work early and can not be there so there is no one else to do it.

Don’t quit job
please !

remember you might end up wanting to split from mr lazy bones here

What will your childcare arrangements be when you return to work?

I'd sit down and make a list of absolutely everything that needs to be done in terms of cleaning, cooking and all other domestic chores, shopping, all child-related activities, and anything else you can think of (preparing for Christmas, organising birthday parties etc) Then divide them 50:50. If he's not keen on that then I'd explain that when you split up he will get absolutely no choice over whether or not he does those things and see if that concentrates his mind.

Wouldn’t your life look better without him?

Yes you would have no one to split the rent with but you could move to a cheaper place. (Cheaper doesn’t have to mean smaller or not so nice)

How exactly would your life change for the worse. It would certainly be less stressful
No more washing ironing cooking etc for him.

The single parents I know are the happiest people I know as they don’t have to compromise on anything.

Get proper childcare in place and you will more than likely get some benefits to help with everything.

What exactly does this guy bring to the table apart from 1/2 the rent and bills which he is running up. Even your council tax will be halved if you are not with him

You have had a child with an abusive lazy arsehole.

Start looking at how you want your future to look like because you have put yourself into the most unbelievably vulnerable position.

He is only going to get a lot worse.