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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating accusation that made me sick to my stomach?

69 replies

Sadgirl94 · 30/04/2023 10:48

So after PPD I found it hard to go anywhere but I did take my little one for walks and then stopped just due to self consciousness, insecurities, anxiety and stuff. My partner 2 days ago pushed for me to go out with our 10 mo and said he needs fresh air and I’ll be returning to work etc so yesterday I took him to the park and shops we went for like an hour my partner was asleep. I left the park after 20/25 mins as a group of moms came that knew one another and I felt uncomfortable being alone and ugly and just everything. I got back told my partner we went and he was ok about it until a bit later he went silent and began circling me and watching me I asked if he was ok and he said yeah then after a bit he asked if he could ask me a question and he went and asked me if I had changed my underwear before going out (to a sexy one that I took out the wash when I came back) I was so taken aback by this as he was basically saying I went out for god knows what and changed my underwear and then came back and got back into my comfortable one. I explained to him how I didn’t despite being disgusted at the fact how can someone even come out with that when all I’ve done is taken our baby to the park. He then said he thought this as when we have fights at times I threaten to call the police so he doesn’t know how far I would go to betray him? Again, shocked! As I’ve never ever cheated on him, never led anyone on, never even been around a man so I was so heartbroken he thinks I would do something like this? This is soooo low it’s beyond me!! Bearing in mind I may be crazy but I’m no cheat. And we are moving on from the fact that his cheated the first 2 months of me having had our baby and I’m learning to forgive him. I’m so shocked like idk how to feel I feel ew about myself that he thinks I’m some cheap hoe to be doing that. Idk? Idk how to feel? I’m so confused???

His accused me of cheating in January too because I broke up with him for finding nudes and videos of him and other women so he said because of that I would’ve cheated too, so I’ve already explained to him that’s not how I move I’m just a nut case but with the thing he said yesterday I’m just idk? Speechless.

OP posts:

MariaRemindsMeOfAWestSideStory · 30/04/2023 12:40

I wonder how much of your PPD is PPD and how much of it is him making you feel shit after the way he treated you.

I honestly suspect he’s cheating right now. He’s projecting. He’s trying to turn the tables round.

OP this is an abusive relationship. It’s not going to get any better, no matter how much you hope you will. You need to get out.

Marineboy67 · 30/04/2023 12:50

This is typical controlling behaviour from a cheater. They're so paranoid that their partner will do what they did given the situation. Don't buy in to any of it, tell him to grow up or fuck off! I was with someone for 23 years that was like this.

Choconut · 30/04/2023 12:51

You will never have a healthy, functional relationship with this person, they will abuse you until there is nothing left of you.

What happened when you split up before? What did you do? Where did you go? Can you do that now? You really need to never be around this person again. Have you done the freedom programme? I think that could be helpful too. What about contacting womans aid to get some support?

Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2023 12:54

Lovely- you are not nuts- you are stuck with a sub standard arsehole- that's enough to send anyone nuts and depressed - I don't care what his good points are- his bad points totally outweigh them. Get your thinking head on to find ways of separating- I'm going to tell you one thing- this guy will make a lot of noise about it and within 3 months will find some other poor sucker to latch onto and won't give you a backward glance- start getting those ducks in line now, know his earnings etc. go back to work first though so you have something to fall back on- act normal and mentally make a 5 months forward plan- this won't get better. You can make a good life for you and little one- but not whilst stuck with this loser

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 13:28

You ever thought he sent you out so he had a reason to have a go and start an argument? This will continue as long as you are together, you need to get you and your child out of there. Or you stay and deal with this for the rest of your life.

FFSFF · 30/04/2023 13:40

Oh sweetheart, this breaks my heart, it really does. I've been raped and abused. My ex broke me - there was nothing of 'me' left at all. It's not a nice place to be.

I did the Freedom Programme, and with the help of the Woman's Refuge I left him and ran with my two toddlers. I organised a place to stay, housing benefit etc and told him I'm moving out once everything was ready. I cannot describe to you the relief and feeling of peace the first night in my new place. No more walking on eggshells, no more accusations, no more abuse.

You can get out, and it will do you the world of good. Please please leave this bastard.

TheShellBeach · 30/04/2023 13:48

OP I guarantee you that when you've finally broken up with this awful, abusive men, you'll understand that most of your fears and anxieties were caused by him
He's cruel to you. Can't you see that?
Please stop trying to make excuses for him.

YouJustDoYou · 30/04/2023 13:53

OP, down the line, you will be so, SO much more happier without that constantly in your life. He is not going to change. Imagine this day after day, year after years, for years and years and years.....

Coconut90 · 30/04/2023 16:15

This is a mutually dysfunctional 'relationship.'

Break up, communicate through a neutral third party only and focus on your baby. It doesn't deserve this atmosphere.

SaulSobieski · 30/04/2023 17:03

No wonder you have pnd with this cheating liar.

I cheated so you must be cheating ... Eh no.

You became distant - because you caught me cheating - so you must be cheating .... Eh no. It's normal to become distant when you catch someone cheating on you

In fact it's normal to do anything from scream in their face, throw out all their stuff, hate their fucking guts, not trust them as far as you can throw them to disengaging from the relationship etc etc. But you're not allowed to be distant when you're badly hurt and betrayed .... That means you're cheating too. Riiiight.

His cheaters values & conscience are getting to him.

He's a fucking loser.

How he gets any women to.cheat with us beyond me.

But then you did used to see absolute scammers on Jeremy Kyle with kids by multiple women so .....

I doubt he'll change.

He's torturing you in the meantime.

You can do better.

You've only got one child by him ATM (?) Things will only get worse for you the more you have.

AgentJohnson · 30/04/2023 18:13

He doesn’t think you cheated, he’s just trying to make you feel bad. This man is a sleazy liar and this toxic relationship is not in you or your child’s best interest.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2023 18:20

Can you and babu move into your Mom's?

He's a cheat and a liar, and he's convincing you the problem is you.

All this "I might be crazy... I might be nuts..." did you think any of that before him?

Jeez op I don't know you but I know yo u deserve better than this idiot.

Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 18:23

He’s an abusive cheat, your mental health is in absolute tatters, in large part due to him.

Please find a way to get you and your baby away. This man is destroying you.

piedbeauty · 30/04/2023 18:41

Ugh. He's a serial cheat.

Why are you still with him?

Please find the strength to leave him. You deserve much better.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 30/04/2023 19:04

This all seems very intense and dramatic! You and your child deserve better than this, you know this relationship cannot continue!

Can you arrange to visit your GP to get some support?

Please speak to your mum as well

mindutopia · 30/04/2023 22:54

I’d be interested to know what HE was doing in his childfree alone time while you were at the park. He’s very clearly projecting, which is usually to distract from any questions you might have about his behaviour when you weren’t around. If he was cheating as recently as 8 months ago, my money is on that he’s at it again. But he’s made you confused and flustered and doubting yourself so less likely you’ll be asking too many questions.

Bananalanacake · 01/05/2023 17:47

I'll bet you are not ugly at all, he has made you feel like that because he is abusive and controlling.

statementstate · 02/05/2023 08:00

This is an awful situation you’re in. Your partner sounds like a monster from what you’ve described. Are you considering leaving him? I really think you should, and you shouldn’t wait any longer, the more you wait, the more unwell you’ll become. Someone who drives you to self harm is not the person you need in your life. Run!

Opentooffers · 02/05/2023 10:07

Have you not noticed the pattern? He clearly accuses you of cheating every time he does. So, basically it's that, he's cheating again and it makes him feel better about his behaviour if you are at it too.
Plus he set you up to fail by encouraging you to go out and then causing agro, thus putting you off further about going out. He wants you at home, putting up and shutting up while he does whatever he likes. The smaller he makes your world, the less likely you are able to spot him up to something and the less people you'd know who could do the same and inform you, so he gets away with it all.
You don't have to try and forgive him, it's totally fine to go it alone with your baby. I think your PPD would have been far less extrem if you'd split and kept him gone. There is nothing to recommend him. He's the cause of most of your problems, not having had a baby, probably a line he's used again to get out of being the cause.

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