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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating accusation that made me sick to my stomach?

69 replies

Sadgirl94 · 30/04/2023 10:48

So after PPD I found it hard to go anywhere but I did take my little one for walks and then stopped just due to self consciousness, insecurities, anxiety and stuff. My partner 2 days ago pushed for me to go out with our 10 mo and said he needs fresh air and I’ll be returning to work etc so yesterday I took him to the park and shops we went for like an hour my partner was asleep. I left the park after 20/25 mins as a group of moms came that knew one another and I felt uncomfortable being alone and ugly and just everything. I got back told my partner we went and he was ok about it until a bit later he went silent and began circling me and watching me I asked if he was ok and he said yeah then after a bit he asked if he could ask me a question and he went and asked me if I had changed my underwear before going out (to a sexy one that I took out the wash when I came back) I was so taken aback by this as he was basically saying I went out for god knows what and changed my underwear and then came back and got back into my comfortable one. I explained to him how I didn’t despite being disgusted at the fact how can someone even come out with that when all I’ve done is taken our baby to the park. He then said he thought this as when we have fights at times I threaten to call the police so he doesn’t know how far I would go to betray him? Again, shocked! As I’ve never ever cheated on him, never led anyone on, never even been around a man so I was so heartbroken he thinks I would do something like this? This is soooo low it’s beyond me!! Bearing in mind I may be crazy but I’m no cheat. And we are moving on from the fact that his cheated the first 2 months of me having had our baby and I’m learning to forgive him. I’m so shocked like idk how to feel I feel ew about myself that he thinks I’m some cheap hoe to be doing that. Idk? Idk how to feel? I’m so confused???

His accused me of cheating in January too because I broke up with him for finding nudes and videos of him and other women so he said because of that I would’ve cheated too, so I’ve already explained to him that’s not how I move I’m just a nut case but with the thing he said yesterday I’m just idk? Speechless.

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 30/04/2023 11:33

*His accused me of cheating in January too because I broke up with him for finding nudes and videos of him and other women so he said because of that I would’ve cheated too"

There; from the horse's mouth.he thinks you most he cheating because he cheats

That's the "logic" in his head.

He's a cheating scumbag.

He also sounds frightening in arguments.

This is no life.

You're just lucky he didn't infect you with some std from cheating. STDs can cause fetal abnormalities in babies and miscarriages etc. You don't want to be having more kids with someone who's cheating.

Flappingtarps · 30/04/2023 11:33

I really feel for you op being in the clutches of this awful man. I strongly suspect that your exhaustion and anxiety may come from being controlled and emotionally abused by him and once you escape, you will feel much stronger mentally and more energetic. Good luck to you xx

Nothingfree · 30/04/2023 11:35

Some gas lighting with the nudes etc going on by the sounds of it Op, you need to make a big decision for your own sanity and happiness. You are beautiful inside and out so please don't doubt yourself 💐

SaulSobieski · 30/04/2023 11:37

broke up with him for finding nudes and videos of him and other women

Why the fuck didn't you stay broken up?

He was highly likely to keep on cheating on you and treating you like shit. That's the way he is.

Truestorypeeps · 30/04/2023 11:37

If we do only get one life, is this how you want to live yours?

Fairislefandango · 30/04/2023 11:37

In his defence I’ll make police threats sometimes just because he won’t get out

There is no defence for any of this, and why would you want to defend him? He is clearly a vile, abusive prick. This is an abusive relationship. You would be crazy to stay with this man.

Whochangedmynamec · 30/04/2023 11:38

You went out with your child for a short while and got accused of cheating. He is being ridiculous and clearly transferring his behaviour on to you.

Give yourself a chance. Don’t entertain his bullshit.

But also don’t assume the mums are thinking badly of you- that’s you transfering your insecurities on to them. Give people a chance.

You sound a little anxious and in need if a friend.

Tell your boyfriend you are worried about his mental health.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 11:39

This sounds a ridiculous excuse for a relationship and a horrible environment for your child to grow up in.

I’d guess he accused you because he is having sex with someone else and it’s a classic deflection attack.

Please just end things.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/04/2023 11:40

@Sadgirl94 I think you will find your mental health improves remarkably away from this sad loser.

Flyingsparks · 30/04/2023 11:41

You are being abused. You’ve just had a baby - if this is how he acts now, what is he going to be like in a few years?

as PPs have said, his accusations are admissions.

I bet a lot of your depression is down to the way you’ve been treated- not just PPD.

SaulSobieski · 30/04/2023 11:42

I left the park after 20/25 mins as a group of moms came that knew one another and I felt uncomfortable being alone and ugly and just everything

What?!

What's wrong with being alone?

I spend 90% of my time alone in playparks with my dd.

Ugly, how?

I bet you're not.

Did he say that?

You sound like you need counselling.

Original poster
Sadgirl94 · 30/04/2023 11:45

When I found out about his unfaithful behaviour I couldn’t control my feelings and naturally got distanced as how do you get close to your person when you saw them with other people? I stopped feeling as though he is my person as all I could picture was him and them and I couldn’t understand how you are man or woman able to be around the opposite gender if you are in love with someone? I genuinely can’t get my head around it and because I distanced myself from being hurt and heartbroken. He says that’s why he thinks I’ve cheated because I’m not the same? I’m distant? Etc but I was distant because my heart was breaking everyday? I just feel so weak and broken. I’ve told him several times I may be crazy but I’m not a cheat and I deserve better I don’t deserve to be cheated on. I would never do that, whatever I do is anger and arguments I’m not out here with other people I’m just so ashamed that this is my life. I really am struggling to recognise myself I was never this woman, even in the past if I experienced stupid behaviour I would just fuck it off and go out and dance and party or travel this is the first relationship that even on breaks and arguments I’m just not focusing on myself I’m just too angry or sad to go out or to do anything I’ve dedicated all of me to this and I don’t even make time for me so it hurts to see after spending my days doing things for our child and our home this is how I am seen.

OP posts:
Nickersnackersnockers · 30/04/2023 11:48

You poor love. He knows full well you're not cheating. But he is. Again. He's trying to throw you off the scent by accusing you instead. That's a cruel thing to do particularly when he knows your history.

Please get some real life help so you can navigate this. Do you have family nearby that can help you?

Original poster
Sadgirl94 · 30/04/2023 11:49

I’ve never accused him of cheating. At the beginning we always had issues with him speaking to other women and I still never accused him because I never saw anything other than chats so it would be unfair and then once I had my baby he was out all the time telling me I’m delusional if I questioned it and it turned out for the first 2 months of our baby’s life he was unfaithful. And because i SAW photos and videos is when I accused him and the sad thing in all this is when I broke up with him over it and we got back together that’s when his accusations against me started before then it was never the case. I know this isn’t healthy but I’m really struggling guys

OP posts:
Tangelablue · 30/04/2023 11:54

I think you would feel a lot better about yourself if you left him. The longer you are with him, the worse your mental health will be. Next time you go to your mum's house with the baby, can you stay there? Contact your local domestic abuse charity for support as it will be a long journey to heal from this.

Original poster
Sadgirl94 · 30/04/2023 11:57

His also said about yesterdays accusation of the knickers that the problem isn’t me, it’s just how he feels but I still find that an outrageous thing to say..

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 30/04/2023 11:58

He doesn't trust you.
You don't trust him.
Exactly WHY are you togethet?
....and do NOT say because of the baby....
You have so much healing still to do.... and this situation is not going to support that.
You will be much better on your own.
Your baby will be so much better with a Mum who is not broken down with all these mind games
Get help from your GP, WA and any family and friends around you.
You can do this for you.

Lampzade · 30/04/2023 12:01

He is cheating

kittensinthekitchen · 30/04/2023 12:09

He has really done a number on you Sad

You need to speak to someone about this. There are people who can help you leave; who can help you have a better life for you and your child.

Are you still engaged with any services surrounding your PPD?

MoneyMine · 30/04/2023 12:12

I suspect that what he has put you through has made the PPD much much worse tbh.
And he is carrying in putting pressure on you, knowing you are fragile in the first place. Instead he is attacking you, makes you feel doubting yourself etc…. And then he gets to call you crazy (which YOU ARE NOT. Stop calling yourself that!).

You deserve so much better.

MoneyMine · 30/04/2023 12:15

Btw it’s normal and GOOD that you sustained yourself from him. I mean what did he expect? That you would turn a blind eye and ignore his cheating despite the proof etc…

Distancing yourself is a protection mechanism and one you should listen to.

You have a job to get back to. Take some steps to distance yourself even more and separate from him. Otherwise he’ll drag you down even more.
Speak to people in RL.
Speak to people on here. Many have gone through the same and will be able to support you.
But please don’t accept this shit behaviour.

Frogger8395 · 30/04/2023 12:16

Get rid of him.

keffie12 · 30/04/2023 12:20

Sadgirl94 · 30/04/2023 11:57

His also said about yesterdays accusation of the knickers that the problem isn’t me, it’s just how he feels but I still find that an outrageous thing to say..

There is no defence for his behaviour. It's abuse. The question is if and when you're ready to accept it and leave for good.

The get out is a reaction from you to his behaviour. Look at the link I put up of womens aid.

This will only get worse if you stay. His behaviour after you found out he was cheating says it all. That's abuse and gaslighting

www.womensaid.org.uk

Shoelacesundone · 30/04/2023 12:20

I'm done after two years on Mumsnet of trying to engage with these women. Let them have the partners they deserve quite honestly.

PinkiOcelot · 30/04/2023 12:21

LemonjeIIo · 30/04/2023 10:56

He's still cheating but projecting it at you. Everything he is saying that you are doing, he is doing. Believe me.
LTB

Yep!
Evil thinkers are evil doers as my mam used to say.
He sounds awful OP.