not sure how much more I can take, but not strong enough to do any more than try to shield dc's (long rant)

[readytopop]

I'm new to this, but right now (and after reading lots of the threads) am desperatly in need of reassurance and advice.

In short, the DH grew up with an abusive mother who didn't want a son, and was free with her hands towards him. His way of dealing with stress is to bury it in alcohol, he will have a beer most days, but turns to spirits when 'needed'. Since last summer when there was a management reshuffle at his work he has been becoming gradually more unhappy. This resulted in a showdown, esp after he was asked to cover a school run (he drove school coaches) in a vehicle without cctv and discovered that the driver who had been doing it, and had left suddenly, had been caught touching the female students.

Anyway, they sacked him right at the beginning of the year on the flimsiest of excuses, and due to the time of year he has not been able to get a replacement job and had to sign on. Now I know this is a big blow to his pride (although, lets face it, we pay our taxes so this safety net is there in these situations) However his drinking is becoming worsse, esp with babba #3 due in a weeks time. I'm just sick of having to shield the other 2 (2yo & almost 4) from his behaviour, there are times I have had to physically had to stand between him and his son (who he adores) because when drunk his behaviour is pure MIL (who imo is an evil bitch)

I'm just feeling so miserable right now, I know it isn't easy for him right now, but lying in bed til all hours, drinking and then going back to bed are not going to help. Today I was told I was not capable of taking the kids on a walk to a park 1/4 mile away, he insisted on coming (already pretty gone at 3pm) and then a massive row begun over I really don't know what. I think a combination of ds taking his new scooter and legs beginning to ache, plus the kids inststance on walking on every wall, and the dd(2)insisting on walking and god knows what else. It resulted in me being told he'd only bothered with me cos I was an 'easy fuck', 'I'd trapped him by getting pg' (a year later), 'once a whore, always a whore', that I am a 'fat elephant' and if I didn't shut up he'd push me under the next car (we were alongside a busy road). then f**king off to the pub with the front door key, so there was me trying to climb through a window, bump and all and 2 anxious faces watching. One way to induce, I guess.
Most of these I have heard before, and have upset me before, along with the hair pulling, slaps, punches to the head etc (he's of the opinion it doesn't count if it is an open hand, which it usually is) What upsets me the most is when he then turns to the ds and asks if he wants to live with mummy or daddy, which really messes with his head. Its designed to mess with mine as he knows the kids are my world, coupled with I'm the one they come to in the night and gets up to them. Usually I can get them to bed before he starts too much, but tonight he started so early.
The other line he started spouting, which I hear quite often is how I am a sponger, a loafer out for an easy ride, where is my money coming in etc. I worked p/t after the ds then stopped after the dd cos of the cost of childcare, and cos we agreed my place was at home bringing them up in the early years. plus no one would employ me right now! (I've since started doing an OU degree, another source of discontent, but another thread)

Anyway, I ended phoning his sis, and let him rant at his bil about how crap I am, but let on about some of his behaviour (which I have never done before, and tbh this is the 1st time I have said out loud most of the above) which bought me enough time to get the kids to bed, while he slept off some of it in the bath, although started again once he'd woken up cold 2 1/2 hours later.

I just don't know what to do for the best. sober he is a good father and husband. he adores the kids and vice versa. I don't know how he feels about me anymore, sober he still says he loves me etc, but I can't forget all the things he has said, in vino veritas and all that. yes, I was no angel a few years before he met me, but is it necessary to drag it all up now, esp as it was before he even knew me, so all he knows is what i have told him (idiot that I was, I thought new relationship, be relatively upfront about who i had been , if it wasn't liked, then the relationship would end) I am so mis right now. this babba is due next sat, and right now I don't want him near me, let alone when labour begins, not that I really want this babba to even think about coming right now. I already knew a HB was inevitable, because he fell to pieces and was hopeless after #2 was born @ home.

I just want him to stop drinking and put the nasty mil side away, and return to the DH we know, but if I mention the drinking it causes another row and I don't know how much more I can take, or shield the kids from. feeling really low (4got to say, had mild PND after #2 in part due to lack of support, & have noticed I'm sinking into the PND state that I have come to recognise, also not good for the dc's)

Any ideas? all hugs gratefully recieved...
thanks for reading a really loooooong whinge

Hello- I was just about to go to bed but couldn't leave your thread unanswered.

You poor, poor thing

He clearly had a LOT of issues that need resolving, issues that compromise your safety and wellbeing.

Have you considered talking to a counsellor/adviser at Women's Aid?

What would his likely response be if you instigated an open and honest sober chat about how you are feeling?

Is his sister/BIL likely to be of any help and support?

im gonna be honest having not had a v good childhood myself i feel i can say what im about to with recompense........this man is a bully with or without beer he CHOOSES to drink and he knows how he is when hes had a drink if he was any sort of man hed have quit the booze the first time this happened and he hasnt,hes now involving innocent children and risking your life and your unborn babies life- u owe it to your children and yourself to get out and start a real life not based around a fear of the bottle .....if he wants to be part of this life he needs to get help if he doesnt he has effectively chosen another 'woman' ie the booze .....dont waste your life and your childrens memories on a thug and a bully and i know its easy to say the first time a man hits u leave in reality its v hard but how long before he starts on the children? how long before hes drinking your shopping money away? the only way to solve this is to make him choose ..financially you will be ok you will get lone parent money and he will have to look afte himself.
im sorry if its harsh but this as im sure you have gathered is a subject close to my heart.
you cant always love someone better no matter how hard u try xxx

Hi readytopop. You poor thing. Sending you lots for

I was in a relationship that turned very abusive. It started the way yours is now. In the next few months he will do this even when he hasn't had a drink.

I normally wouldn't say this but in your situation I feel I need to - YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM. I know you are expecting baby number 3 in the next week but your other 2 kids should not be witnessing this. This will really afect them when they get older.

Hope you are ok and thinking of you loads.

Alcoholism is a disease but he has to realise there's a problem first and himself want it treated. Could you go to the GP with him about it? You may need to threaten to leave him to make him go or perhaps his family could go with him.

Oh readytopop, you poor thing. What a hideous situation to be in.

[hugs

I agree that your husband sounds as if he has some issues but I think you know that whatever his isssues are, they are in no way an excuse for his behaviour.
I'm afraid I don't agree that he is a good father when not drunk. A good father would NOT hit/push/insult the mother of his children.

Please, please try to get some outside help. This will not get better unless YOU make it better and you and your children deserve a better life.

Call Women's Aid, talk to your midwife/gp, please.

oh dear.... poor you.

i respect you wanting things to work, and sticking with it in the hope he will improve... but you know, dont you, that he wont? the only chance there is that he will turn himself into the man you want/love/need, is if you leave him and the shock makes him go and get help. even then, you need to be away and standing on your own two feet for a long time, and he proving his recovery for way over a year before you even consider taking him back.

he has real problems. you dont need to hate him to know that your dc and you should NOT be in danger while he has these problems. he needs proper help, and honey, you just cant love those problems away.

i think you need to contact womens aid, or the CAB or someone and get you and the dc out of there NOW. and, despite the fact that hes killed off as much of your confidence and spark as he could manage (so far), you know that too, dont you?

good luck. and hoping for some brighter tomorrows.

Thank you all for the replies,

deep down I guess I knew most of the points above, but oh dear, the shame I feel about it all too, that i 'force him into it because i'm a chopsy bitch who can't keep her mouth shut'. Again, deep down I know this isn't right...

However, I did give a couple of ultimatums last night, which is how I came to have rung his bil: 1-see a gp re depression (apparantly I make him depressed and push him to drink) or I go & kids too, and/ or 2:start getting his act together or go and stay with a sister in wales until Fri, take your pick which one. He's not close to any of them due to the mil.

Fortunatly, I started seeing a counsellor through a local organisation for parents with u2s or pg, and although I have only had a few sessions I think they are helping, but I have realised how bottled I keep things, I guess the key with mn is it's all anon. Might have to print out the op for her to read....

Big thank you shinydyson, didn't reply last night cos blubbing into a milky coffee, but I know one way or another I have to sort this mess, for the dc's. Might try and instigate a discussion after he has had a couple of cuppas to relieve the hangover. think gp and poss ad's are the way to go, but like most men it's the getting him there and to comply.

watch this space... off to hi-jack a cadburys truck, bulk doesn't begin to describe my needs!

Your husband sounds deeply unpleasant and extremely abusive. Alcohol may be the reason, but it is no excuse. Have you confided in family about this? I think you are going to need some support while you try to figure out what to do next...

MNishere for masses of support and advice on how to LEAVE and manage without him. Because you don't need him, he is a burden and a danger to you and your children. Please get in touch with WOmen's Aid as soon as possible and start making plans. Very best of luck.

{{{{hugs4uall}}}}}

we're all here for you xx

he will not change

he really won't.

he loves his booze more than he loves you

please talk to these people

don't let hs teach your children that they deserve to hook up with violent alcoholics, or that's what they will do.

The thing with ultimatums is that you must stick to them to the letter once spoken or they become meaningless.

The GP and ad's are not going to help him if he does not ultimately want to help his own self. Any will to change has to come from within him and he is a truly damaged individual (thanks in no small part to his own Mother). He likely does not think he's the problem. He will likely not stop drinking and you will carry on enabling him.

This is no life at all for your children to witness. Your children have no say at all. What are you teaching them about relationships, you're both teaching these children extremely damaging lessons. If you do not take action yourself and seek help to leave these children will go on to learn that the abuse is normal and could as adults act out these same destructive patterns. Is this what you want for them, to pass on this to the next generation. Also they will not thank you at all for staying with such a man. Women in your situation also often write that "he is a good Dad" - he is patently not a good father to these children. He gives not a jot for them or you.

Whose idea was it to have another baby?.

readytopop - whereabouts are you ) just vaguely, you can still preserve your anonymity) please please listen to the very good advice already given. you don't make him drink - he chooses to drink. it isn't your fault.

talk to al-anon as well. no one can make you leave, if despite all the people saying 'leave' you still decide to stay then you still need some help. you need to do the best thing for your children and yourself, but talking to people who know what it's like to live with a violent alcoholic will hopefully make you determined to build a happier life for you and your children.

Can you talk a bit to your midwife?

It seems from the stuff you have written that you feel somehow responsible for his behaviour and also responsible for 'fixing' him. You are not though, he is. I empathise with the feeling that everything will be alright if you can just get them to do what you say, but he isn't going to change, no matter what you do to try and help him.

You need to focus on yourself and your children, they are your responsibility. You blame your H's behavious on his mother, well, I guess you know that if your children stay in this relationship witnessing his awful behaviour they will be f*cked up by it as adults too and the cycle will be repeated?

For their sake, I think you should leave. If he then changes yo canalways start fresh with him. He's not likely to change while you stay with him though, especially as you seem to be making excuses for his behaviour, like it isn't rally his fault.

Good luck, lots of support here for you whatever you decide to do.

Here's my dilemma, while I know that given the situationa as it is currently, leaving is the sensible and logical thing to do, the whole behaviour thing has only really sprung up since work became crappy then ended. Yes, before then ther ewere arguments where hurtful things were said, but not like this, and apologies were soon said, we would kiss & make up & move on.

And while I know it annoys a lot of people out there, I can totally understand why he is so depressed and miserable and behaving the way he is. That DOES NOT mean I condone it or think I can change him, I just want him to realise how our current circumstances are affecting him and our family, becsause his foul behaviour only started when work became v.crappy. And in all honesty, the fact that through no real fault of our own we are faced with all the associated joys of jsa and the benefits system as a whole, and being treated as a layabout bum by staff at our local jobcentre is def one of the top 'joys', (having to wait 20 mins with 2 small kids climbing the walls just to hand in a frigging form, then they ask what are we doing to look for work....yes, another thread.) really pisses me off and winds me up, just I have a dif way of dealing with things, and he needs to find an alternative way too, rather than spirits and me.

I'm prob not that coherant, been writing this intermittantly between cooking lunch, and keeping children occupied in garden.

sorry for what you are going through, but I think you are making excuses for him.

As a family, We went through similar two years ago, as in, no work for dh, job centre, free milk voucher humilations etc.

Yes it was hard on all of us, but dh did not turn to drink and abuse me and dc.
If he had I would have left him like a shot.

Life is full of stresses. He has a family and he needs to step up to the mark, not punish you for what he sees as his failings.

This was how my father responded to any major stressors in life. So take it from one who knows this much....
You need to take the hard line with him now because it is 'your' dc's who will suffer in the long run. This is not a good environment for them to be in.

"I just want him to realise how our current circumstances are affecting him and our family, because his foul behaviour only started when work became v.crappy".

This is excusing his behaviour, the problems started long beforehand. He won't realise because he neither knows or just as importantly cares. This man's problems are deeply rooted and his abusive mother has played a huge role in that. Abusive behaviours can also become generational; this has now passed on from mother to son. You're getting abused now but you can break the cycle if you so choose.

You owe it to your children to give them a good life.

He doesn't sound very remorseful to me. if he was he would try to stop drinking and abusing you all. There is only so much that is your childhood's fault- as an adult you have choices or excuses. He should have sorted this out the first time he physically/verbally abused you.

Please don't let your dc grow up with this. there is only so much that you can compensate for, no matter how great a mum you are.
If you really want to help him stick to your guns and make him realise how awful his behaviour is and how unhappy you are.
children should never have to hear their mother spoken to like that, don't let them think that you find it acceptable
He needs to do to AA TODAY

Sweetheart, I would really read what you've written and think hard.What would you say to someone else who told you that? No-one deserves to be spoken to like that, or physically abused in any way. You sound like a lovely person, and you do not deserve it, and your children do not deserve it either.

My dad was an alcoholic, but not violent, thank God. But it was a factor in making my childhood utterly miserable. You must think about what you are doing to your children if you stay with a violent alcoholic who will not change.

I would give him an ultimatum. Research the help you/he needs - phone Women's Aid, go to the CAB, see your GP. Then give him a choice when he is sober - make a commitment to change, or you will go/ he has to go. Don't let it drag on and make everyone miserable.

It really sounds like you are making excuses for him. I don't mean to sound harsh or unsympathetic, but plenty of men are made redundant, are poor, are struggling with life in general - they don't all go around calling their wives 'whore', 'easy fuck' 'fat elephant'. That is seriously abusive behaviour, and neither you or your children should be subjected to it.

It is not your fault, you are not the one pouring alcohol down his throat every day...

It is possible to have setbacks in your life and not be abusive or drunk constantly.

Bad things happening is an excuse, not a justifiable reason and not a good way of coping with anything in life.

If he won't admit he has a problem, he won't change, in fact he will get worse.

SIL is the same and her teenage children live in fear, it is terrible to witness.

If he does not change please move out while you have the time to rebuild your life and for DC to forget and find out life can be fun...

From the Women's Aid website-

"What are the signs of domestic violence?

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the childre, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
• Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
• Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
• Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again."

Stop making excuses for his behaviour, there are none. Lots of people are abused as kids, but it's no excuse for continuing the cycle of violence into adulthood. Lots of people are hideously abused as kids and never abuse anyone because they know how horrible it is. Lots of parents are out of work and being treated like shit by the benefits agency, but they don't hurt the people they love because it is wrong.

You are a victim of domestic violence and you need to get out of that situation as soon as possible.

I hope you have your moment of truth soon.

Hi there readytopop. I can only echo what others have said. Please either contact Womens Aid or your local police.I understand that this will be very hard for you to come to terms with, but you are suffering from Domestic Violence. The police will have a specialist domestic violence unit who can advise and protect you. The police assess all victims of Domestic Violence and there are many factors in your story which worry me. Mainly the fact that you are pregnant and have children. I don't want to freak you out but these (and other factors) put you in a high risk category of being very seriously assaulted by your partner.

Please get help.

sorry if i have missed this in your posts RTP but when you spoke to his sister what happened? Didnt they do/say anything to help?