not sure how much more I can take, but not strong enough to do any more than try to shield dc's (long rant)

[readytopop]

I'm new to this, but right now (and after reading lots of the threads) am desperatly in need of reassurance and advice.

In short, the DH grew up with an abusive mother who didn't want a son, and was free with her hands towards him. His way of dealing with stress is to bury it in alcohol, he will have a beer most days, but turns to spirits when 'needed'. Since last summer when there was a management reshuffle at his work he has been becoming gradually more unhappy. This resulted in a showdown, esp after he was asked to cover a school run (he drove school coaches) in a vehicle without cctv and discovered that the driver who had been doing it, and had left suddenly, had been caught touching the female students.

Anyway, they sacked him right at the beginning of the year on the flimsiest of excuses, and due to the time of year he has not been able to get a replacement job and had to sign on. Now I know this is a big blow to his pride (although, lets face it, we pay our taxes so this safety net is there in these situations) However his drinking is becoming worsse, esp with babba #3 due in a weeks time. I'm just sick of having to shield the other 2 (2yo & almost 4) from his behaviour, there are times I have had to physically had to stand between him and his son (who he adores) because when drunk his behaviour is pure MIL (who imo is an evil bitch)

I'm just feeling so miserable right now, I know it isn't easy for him right now, but lying in bed til all hours, drinking and then going back to bed are not going to help. Today I was told I was not capable of taking the kids on a walk to a park 1/4 mile away, he insisted on coming (already pretty gone at 3pm) and then a massive row begun over I really don't know what. I think a combination of ds taking his new scooter and legs beginning to ache, plus the kids inststance on walking on every wall, and the dd(2)insisting on walking and god knows what else. It resulted in me being told he'd only bothered with me cos I was an 'easy fuck', 'I'd trapped him by getting pg' (a year later), 'once a whore, always a whore', that I am a 'fat elephant' and if I didn't shut up he'd push me under the next car (we were alongside a busy road). then f**king off to the pub with the front door key, so there was me trying to climb through a window, bump and all and 2 anxious faces watching. One way to induce, I guess.
Most of these I have heard before, and have upset me before, along with the hair pulling, slaps, punches to the head etc (he's of the opinion it doesn't count if it is an open hand, which it usually is) What upsets me the most is when he then turns to the ds and asks if he wants to live with mummy or daddy, which really messes with his head. Its designed to mess with mine as he knows the kids are my world, coupled with I'm the one they come to in the night and gets up to them. Usually I can get them to bed before he starts too much, but tonight he started so early.
The other line he started spouting, which I hear quite often is how I am a sponger, a loafer out for an easy ride, where is my money coming in etc. I worked p/t after the ds then stopped after the dd cos of the cost of childcare, and cos we agreed my place was at home bringing them up in the early years. plus no one would employ me right now! (I've since started doing an OU degree, another source of discontent, but another thread)

Anyway, I ended phoning his sis, and let him rant at his bil about how crap I am, but let on about some of his behaviour (which I have never done before, and tbh this is the 1st time I have said out loud most of the above) which bought me enough time to get the kids to bed, while he slept off some of it in the bath, although started again once he'd woken up cold 2 1/2 hours later.

I just don't know what to do for the best. sober he is a good father and husband. he adores the kids and vice versa. I don't know how he feels about me anymore, sober he still says he loves me etc, but I can't forget all the things he has said, in vino veritas and all that. yes, I was no angel a few years before he met me, but is it necessary to drag it all up now, esp as it was before he even knew me, so all he knows is what i have told him (idiot that I was, I thought new relationship, be relatively upfront about who i had been , if it wasn't liked, then the relationship would end) I am so mis right now. this babba is due next sat, and right now I don't want him near me, let alone when labour begins, not that I really want this babba to even think about coming right now. I already knew a HB was inevitable, because he fell to pieces and was hopeless after #2 was born @ home.

I just want him to stop drinking and put the nasty mil side away, and return to the DH we know, but if I mention the drinking it causes another row and I don't know how much more I can take, or shield the kids from. feeling really low (4got to say, had mild PND after #2 in part due to lack of support, & have noticed I'm sinking into the PND state that I have come to recognise, also not good for the dc's)

Any ideas? all hugs gratefully recieved...
thanks for reading a really loooooong whinge

I understand that you feel it's the stressful situation at work that has tipped him over the edge and that things would be different if only that could get sorted.

The problem is, life is full of stress. Even if this particular one gets sorted, something else is going to happen. You can't shield him from it, nor can you go through life worrying what the next difficult patch is going to do to him.

And it will be from him that your sons learn how they should cope with stress. You won't be able to take stress out of their adult lives either. Is this the lesson you want them to have learnt? If you feel your MIL is responsible for the person he is- then you and your partner are equally responsible for the people your children grow up into.

How would you feel if you found out years later that your son's wife was being abused, and he then told you that 'you put up with it, why can't she?' Whatever he sees now is what he will think of as normal.

I know this is horrendously hard, but if he can't change, then you do owe it to your children to leave him.

Your perspective of what is acceptable is skewed, which is very normal for this type of situation so you shouldn't feel responsible for any of his horrendous behaviour- he is an adult with free will and makes choices. You need to separate his responsibility and your responsibility...you can't change him. I can't stress this enough. It is up to him to sort himself out. Believe it or not, by staying and accepting his behaviour (even if you complain about it- you are voting with you feet and choosing to stay- this is sending a message to him and to your children that this type of abusive relationship is acceptable), you are making the situation worse and risking alienating your children. In other words, you are a co-dependent enabler in the situation. It is impossible to see this clearly while you're dealing with him on a day-to-day basis.
Your responsibility is primarily to keep your children safe (that means emotional safety as well as physical- his behaviour and your lack of adequate response affects them profoundly and will affect the decisions they make for the rest of their lives. I can testify to that). After taking care of this primary responsibility (by either removing yourself and kids or him from the house), you need to ensure that you receive enough support to help you sustain this (ie friends, family, al-anon, counselling etc you should feel no shame in telling people what's been happening- it's crucial to release any burden of guilt/embarrassment etc) and then deal with things on a day-to-day basis. Try to shift your attention from him and his problems (ie the justifications for his behaviour- he will always find reasons to drink or be verbally or physically aggressive as he has an illness that he isn't receiving treatment for) onto your kids and yourself. You are letting yourself and them down if you don't face up to this and change the course of this relationship. The consequences could be absolutely devastating otherwise so don't let your fear of leaving/forcing him out prevent you from taking action. Get information- research this, use the resources- that's what they're there for so take advantage of them. I wish you the very, very best of luck and will be thinking about you. x

hey there ready. I am pretty much going through the same thing myself apart from he is not drinking. Dh ignores me. Refuses to give me money etc. And has hit me spat in my face etc. I know it is so hard to leave. To admit it is not working and perhaps it will change if you try again or try not to wind him up. Phone womens aid. They will help.

mehdismummy- please rethink the advise- 'try again or try not to wind him up'... this is seriously misguided and dangerous, you are minimising the seriousness of the abusive behaviour and the eventual victims will be you and your children. I hope you too find the strength to get out of this situation...

i think that came across as wrong. I did not mean it as advice. I meant that i use those words myself. That if i just kept quiet and kept trying to make work it would be better. I am fully aware of how serious it can be. I have been smashed in the side of the face with his de-oderant can. Had my face spat in. Punched in head etc. Its just that you go into sort of denial and believe that if you do keep quiet etc, try and try it will work. The reality is it wont. I am already speaking to womens aid. I was trying to let the op know i what she is going through.

mehdismummy- Great! Thanks for clarifying...it read differently. You have been through so much yourself and I hope you find your way out of it with the advice and support from women's aid. Hopefully you will inspire the OP. x

thanks mrs! Just anytime you need to talk op just email me at [email protected] or my msn name is [email protected] i am always online so will check for you

Bugger. just finished a response and managed to delete the lot.

Anyway, for many many reasons (and quite a few stated on the w/a website, and more that are not) now is just not the time to leave. I am planning on following a lot of the advice and contacting them, but for me this is not the time to be leaving.

After giving him a copy of the 1st 3 pages of this that the printer chucked out as he went out the door, several hours later he came home sober. I don't know what the bil said to him, but I know that reading all this, has shocked him into sense for now, and made him realise just how close he came to losing all of us. We had a very long talk yesterday night, and he has accepted that his behaviour has been unacceptable for a while, and he is going to address it, and has already begun to today. the counsellor I have been seeing for pnd is willing to visit rather than me travel to her for the next few weeks, so that will hopefully give us an opportunity, and I am going to work on gp/therepy/al anon/similar.

I know a lot of you will be saying 'fool' but I meant it whan we made those marriage vows, and I am not going to give up on them without a fight. I am under no illusions that I can stop any of this, the decision has to come from him, but I believe he has made that decision, so while standing by him I will be making sure I have an escape plan and emergency fund in case I ever need it.

big hugs to all of you, your support has meant a lot, and I really really appreciate it.

off to bed now, am absolutly exhausted and drained. ds taken to loo, bed changed (bless, he wants to not wear a nappy but isn't really ready) and ou assessment Q not done (if anyone know how to make flipping mathcad do the differentiation without all the crappy error messages i'll even send a virtual box of chocs!)

Also meant to say, having re-read the op, I felt it read a little bit ambigously re the incident at work, and wanted to make clear that the dh wasn't the one who could keep his hands to himself, it was a different chap, who I had met a couple of times and found creepy. the dh just covered that run AFTER the other chap 'left' and was told what had had been happening by the kids he was carrying.

You're making good progress readytopop! Well done. I would just say a couple of things- Please make sure you do go ahead with the escape plan/emergency fund and not relax too much with things seeming better. Secondly, if he hasn't admitted to himself that he is an alcoholic and perpetrator of domestic violence and enrolled in appropriate programmes, you might well find that you'll be back at square one in a while. Don't underestimate the power of alcoholism. It is a serious disease that needs proper treatment. To support him in his treatment is wonderful BUT he cannot get sober properly or stop the violence without professional assistance. It isn't clear in your post if that's what's happening- ie entering a place of treatment etc. My dad went through three treatment centres before getting sober and my mum stayed with him to whole time (mind you - I wasn't too happy with this). It can be a long process to get better so I wish you all the luck in the world. x

You sound a lot stronger and more certain of what you are doing and why. You know you have options. All the best for your birth, your DH and your whole family.