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Original poster

Bumped into ex after 3 years… Need advice.

28 replies

Marcus120 · 29/04/2023 10:46

Hi all. So a couple of months ago I bumped into my ex who split up with me in Feb 2020.

We were together almost 5 years. We didn’t have any ties, no kids, no house etc, we left it on good terms but also agreed it would be a clean split and no contact would take place, which we stuck to.

Through the grapevine I heard she got with someone else, who she was with for a couple of years and has now split with him and also had a child with him who was born last year. Obviously these little snippets you hear from others do hurt/niggle you slightly but you learn its all part of the ‘ex’ process.

About 2 months ago when coming out of a shop I bumped into her and we had a brief and friendly ‘Hi how are you?’ exchange but not too much more.

However since then I can’t get her out my head as well as the idea out of my head that I want to get in contact with her again and just need some honest advice from you guys.

I am in two minds - one side is telling me to leave it, this feeling will go away in time. But the other side is telling me what have I got to lose? As we left on good terms and our recent exchange was also friendly.

The downside of doing either I guess is the same. I may go on to regret it if I don’t contact her, I may go on to regret it if I do.

Advice what you would do or what you would advise a friend please guys :)
thank you for reading x

OP posts:
DyslexicPoster · 29/04/2023 10:51

You could try? If it wasn't on bad terms. But try to focus on why you broke up. Be careful you just don't open up more hurt going back to what in reality didn't work

OldEvilOwl · 29/04/2023 10:59

She's an ex for a reason. If she wanted to contact you, she would

Ofcourseshecan · 29/04/2023 11:08

It depends why you split up. Did the relationship just run out of steam? Were you both ready for a change? If there wasn’t anything seriously wrong, maybe it would work this time, after a break. No harm in inviting her for a coffee, and see if it goes anywhere from there.

Ofcourseshecan · 29/04/2023 11:13

You obviously still have feelings for her. Good luck, and don’t be hurt if she has moved on and says no. Time for you to move on and start meeting new people.

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/04/2023 11:20

She had a baby last year, she most likely won’t be interested in starting a new relationship or dating so soon after the breakdown of her relationship with the father of her child. Just something to consider. She has a lot on her plate right now. It might not be good timing.

Original poster
Marcus120 · 29/04/2023 12:07

Thank you for all the advice so far guys. All things I have considered already :) and thats why it is tough to decide. If I had have seen her and said Hi and forgotten about it obviously would have been fine but 2 months on for the brief Hello and its still that niggling feeling of wanting to chat more.

Do understand since we split up she has been in and out of another relationship and had a baby with that said guy so that will be much more at the forefront of her mind than myself so I wouldn’t be going in all guns blazing asking her to get back with me.

It is more so we left on good terms, so would be a case of seeing if she wanted to have a coffee with no pressure of her thinking I am going to say and ask her those type of things.

So flipping between what is the right thing to do but ultimately don’t want to regret either doing something or leaving it and thats what makes it so much harder.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 29/04/2023 12:16

In the situation you describe, I'd send a message to say it was lovely bumping into her again after so long.

You can then judge by her response whether to suggest meeting up for a coffee and a catch up.

GreyCarpet · 29/04/2023 12:19

OldEvilOwl · 29/04/2023 10:59

She's an ex for a reason. If she wanted to contact you, she would

Interesting. Whenever women post with this question they are told similar - if he wanted to contact you, he would.

It can't always be 'the other person' who makes the first contact because both people are 'the other person'.

She doesn't have to reply if he does get in touch.

Londontoderby · 29/04/2023 12:24

Are you male? If so then you should contact first to see where it goes. Women tend not to message first as “if he wanted too, he would”.

However if you’re a woman then no advice with that on who should make contact first.

tedtor · 29/04/2023 12:25

As it's been 2months since bumping into her and you haven't actually contacted her and only thought about it I would say deep down you know it's a bad idea to contact her or that she isn't interested.

Messaging straight after you saw her would of been the natural thing to do and you didn't do it for whatever reason.

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 12:27

Just leave it. Find something else to take your mind of it.

samestyle · 29/04/2023 12:33

You're thinking back in rose tinted glasses, I think it's best left where it is. It still work before and now she has a baby, there won't be much time for just you two anymore, her life is now complete different from when you knew her.

Thistooshallpass. · 29/04/2023 12:57

Nothing ventured nothing gained . Just send a friendly message saying it was nice to see her - I agree then judge from her response whether to suggest a coffee . She may not reply and then you'll have an answer anyway - or she may seem keen to carry on a conversation .
What's the worst that can happen ?

Shoelacesundone · 29/04/2023 13:00

I say do it. But think realistically about the issues that were in your relationship and your part in them and what changes you've made.

She may welcome you into her life as a friend or maybe more....if you proceed with caution and about fantasies I can see any real harm comi g from this.

Pollywoddles · 29/04/2023 13:04

I wouldn’t. You say that she broke up with you, she hasn’t come back so whatever her reasons she obviously didn’t regret it. If she had you’d have been able to tell when you bumped into her.

IMO it’s not going to go the way you hope, the only positive being that you might get some closure.

BeetleBailey · 29/04/2023 13:18

She's your ex for a reason, remember that

She now also has a young child?

Move on, don't raise somebody else's child

Jeannie88 · 29/04/2023 13:23

You will always be wondering so maybe just do it. Expect the worst and hope for the best! At least you will know one way or the other for sure and if no response hopefully you van have closure and move on. If you do meet up, be cautious, take it slowly. Xx

Rainbowshine · 29/04/2023 13:24

Her life is drastically different from when you were in a relationship together. She will have different priorities now.

If you hadn’t bumped into her would you be considering this at all?

I’m in the “leave it and move on” camp!

hooveringknob · 29/04/2023 13:47

What were the reasons for the split?

tailinthejam · 29/04/2023 14:10

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don't contact her, you will always be wondering 'What if...?'.

She will either want to see you again, or she won't. So at least if you do get in touch you will find out one way or the other. I say go for it.

HowRatherGolly · 29/04/2023 14:17

The old me says whats the harm. You live once and with every scenario, regardless of what that may look like, we learn from it.
So I see no harm in saying something on the lines of how nice it was to see her, and that she looked great, and see what comes next.
There is a but.
Did she look amazing? Like really happy? Not like when you two were together and the mundane chapters you two went through that made you two decide you did not belong in each other future. Is it the nostalgia thing?

Or do you need your head wobbling because rather than the idea of her you are finding yourself lonely and you need to fill it up with something familiar.

Skybluepinky · 29/04/2023 15:26

Don’t reheat old meat.

Dery · 29/04/2023 15:57

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don't contact her, you will always be wondering 'What if...?'.

She will either want to see you again, or she won't. So at least if you do get in touch you will find out one way or the other. I say go for it.”

This. But going for it means only a friendly message and perhaps an invite for coffee. After that the ball is with her. Also realise that she will have very little time to herself (if any) if she’s a single mum with a toddler.

TallulahBetty · 29/04/2023 16:06

If it didn't work then, how is it going to work with someone else's baby in the mix?

strawberryfluff · 29/04/2023 17:46

1.never go back to an ex.
2.they have a child. Let them focus on that