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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel very lonely

30 replies

LHJ21 · 28/04/2023 21:00

Hi,
Sorry this is a bit of a downer but just need to get it off of my chest and I have no one to talk to.
I’m at a stage in my life where I feel extremely lonely.
I’m 36 married with 3 kids. Me and my husband have been together for 20yrs, it hasn’t been a particularly happy marriage and think we have just got to the end of our relationship and can’t stand each other most of the time (but that’s a whole other story).
My life all just seems to be about the kids, which is great, but as a person I just feel so lonely. I have no friends or social life, I have work colleagues but that’s as far as it goes, and we don’t go out socially.
My social life seems to be just my parents and my nan. My husband is always out with work colleagues.
I have no one to talk to about the difficulties at home.
I love my kids but the three boys just bicker all the time and each day feels like Groundhog Day. I just feel like I’m repeating myself and moaning all the time. I’m feeling incredibly frustrated with life, causing me to be irritable at home and snappy when I don’t mean to be. I just want more for me and the kids. And the more they grow up and me and my husband drift apart the more alone I’m going to be.

OP posts:
Ontobetterthings · 28/04/2023 21:07

Can you get a hobbies? Perhaps make friends there

showernc · 28/04/2023 21:30

💐 I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, OP.

Afraid I don’t have much good good advice at the moment and despite coming from a different background (single, childless) I still really sympathise.

Loneliness is so hard! Being childless I may have more time for hobbies/classes where I can socialise, but it’s not the same as having ‘deeper’ connections, being able to openly talk with someone on a regular basis etc.

Original poster
LHJ21 · 28/04/2023 21:31

I was thinking that, like a gym class or something. But at the moment I haven’t got the time to as either working, running the kids around to their classes or have the kids as their dad works around 50hr weeks so I have them the majority the time.
I’m quite quiet and find it difficult to make conversation with other parents, even with family, I do try but my mind goes blank.

OP posts:
Original poster
LHJ21 · 28/04/2023 21:33

Exactly, I have general conversations at work but I’m going through a really rough patch with my husband at the moment and just really feel like I need to speak to somebody. It’s not something I want to discuss with my family.

OP posts:
showernc · 28/04/2023 21:36

You can seemingly be surrounded by people but still feel so lonely.
I often wonder if others can sense that I’m lonely or not. It’s weird because a stranger may see me on a night out, appearing some what confident and chatty but I’ll still go home feeling empty and alone. I don’t really know what the answer is

IfICouldIStillWouldNot · 28/04/2023 21:36

I can relate to this Op, this was me. I went through a stage where I felt very alone.

You have got claw back a life. Pursue a new hobby, be brave - doing something with strangers is scary but your new bets pal might be there waiting for you.

Be a little bit selfish or your husband and kids will eat you alive.

Tilllly · 28/04/2023 21:47

That's a really uncomfortable and difficult position to be in

I think you have to grit your teeth and find one thing to do outside the home, no matter how difficult it is to fit in timewise.
Whether it is going to the local college and learning Spanish, joining the nearest church (which should be welcoming and has various social activities on) or starting a gym class

PussInBin20 · 28/04/2023 21:55

I think to start with you should carve out a bit more time for yourself. Do some exercise, a hair appointment or pamper session or something. Just to maybe get your mind on something else before building up to a hobby where you can maybe meet friends.

Friendships where you talk about your problems take time imo. I don’t have loads but I have a couple that I could confide in but I am also mindful not to offload too much , as I don’t want to scare them off. I do get where you’re coming from though.

It sounds tough but remember - only you can change your life. 💐

Original poster
LHJ21 · 28/04/2023 22:00

When I did used to go out, only just going out for dinner with old work colleagues, my husband used to start getting funny about me being out so in the end I just stopped going out to save on arguments and the headache. I put off going out because of him which has made me lose my confidence in socialising.

I have an old school friend who I’ve been in touch with over the past few years who I’ve met up with a few times and she wants to go out one evening but again I’ve been putting this off as don’t want the headache at home. I really need to make an effort, might try and do it one evening when my husband is at work so won’t have him calling me every 5mins if he was at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
LHJ21 · 28/04/2023 22:01

Thank you and you are totally right.

OP posts:
HowRatherGolly · 28/04/2023 22:07

Its a horrible club to be in. Hi. I am older than you. And loneliness is hard to talk about to anyone. Its such a taboo subject I feel.
When I was married my ex would drink his senses away. Come evening and he would be in the kitchen poring himself glass after glass until there was no more.
It was impossible to try and be around him, and talking to him about it made the atmosphere silent for days. Our boys did get along, his son and mine, both the same age. But the household was unhappy and abusive.

I salute you, 3 boys.

I did leave in the. And although it is not the right thing for everyone, it was for me. Yes I was lonely after, but in a different way. His side of the family, and the support and company that came with them was gone. My family was 2000 miles away so navigating a new life felt really quiet. But good.

My loneliness now is due having moved. Its hard to make friends as you get older. Not impossible, but just different. My hurdles is that I always feel like I have nothing interesting to say.

Sittwritt · 28/04/2023 22:09

You’ll get through this OP.

It sounds like your fella could not be bothered to babysit his own kids. Let me guess this is a common thread where he’s made you feel guilty for not fulfilling your domestic duties. Dear oh dear, it’s caught up with you and you need to claw more of a balance. Quit a days work and you’ll get a breather. Go through your contacts and think of someone you can ask out for coffee of a dinner. It’s a start. And in that day book yourself a gym class too. Don’t let the boys take advantage of your lowly mood at the minute. Tell them to cut it out, the nonsense and the bickering, and get your string face on. You don’t have to be downtrodden scummy mummy, you are a person and deserve time and tlc. And for Gods sake stop pampering that DH of yours. Take care of yourself or no one else will. God forgets those that forget about themselves, that’s my advice to you.

Sittwritt · 28/04/2023 22:19

Just don’t give up on aiming for up and higher and you’ve done your time in being a doormat. Stuff your hubby’s socialising with his colleagues, he needs to give you a chance.

Wellhowdeedoo · 28/04/2023 23:20

Agree with previous posters - you need to be more selfish and do some things for you, although I appreciate it’s hard to make that first move.
I had a very toxic, abusive ex and he displayed some of the behaviours you are describing- would give me so much grief about going out, would accuse me of having affairs, etc and would call me incessantly whilst out. I lost a lot of friends due to him, along with my confidence. It’s hard to change, but you can do it x

Original poster
LHJ21 · 29/04/2023 00:00

I’m in the exact same position, being constantly accused of having affairs when I don’t have friendships let alone affairs.
him on the other hand finds it ok to go out drinking with women and staying at their houses and not expects me to be ok with that. And to be honest I’ve got to a point that he can do what he wants and I don’t care.

OP posts:
Mammalys · 29/04/2023 00:23

I was in that same situation but married for 14 yrs. I just chose to take my life back. I joined a gym and I got a job as a trek nurse. I just told my hubby.. every night at 6pm I'm off to the gym for an hour. Then I just told him I've taken this job and I'm away for 2 weeks. He organised his mum to help with the kids.

Eventually... I left this empty marriage and it was the best thing I ever did. But, it is amazing how empowering it is to take your life back in the mean time. Don't feel guilty, don't worry about him, just do it.

bluebell34567 · 29/04/2023 00:48

have you tried marriage counselling?
the root problem seems to be your marriage.
are you able to share everything with him?

3487642I · 29/04/2023 01:12

He sounds controlling. Making it difficult for you to go out is a way of isolating you, which has evidently worked. Accusing you of affairs is another way to keep you focused on limiting your behaviour to keep him happy, and your self-confidence has been worn down. This makes it easier for him to call the shots and keeps you focused on doing what he wants you to do rather than pursuing your own goals and wishes. Do some reading about 'coercive control' or read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. If this is what you have experienced (which sounds likely) it may explain a lot for you. Find some support in the form of Women's Aid or a counsellor who is familiar who coercive control. It will be hard for you to recover who you are when you are living with a controlling partner, he is likely to increase the techniques he used to maintain control. Look for small ways to honor you preferences and make choices for yourself. You deserve to live a life where you live free to socialise as you wish, with whom you wish, without feeling worried of the consequences from your partner.

Sittwritt · 29/04/2023 10:51

People are spot on with yr guy writing yr confidence at the ex price of ‘having a family’. He’s a right dickhead.

Original poster
LHJ21 · 29/04/2023 18:45

I know it’s down to my husband and he’s a dick in so many ways. We have had a lot of issues for years now, mainly down to him drinking on his days off. It’s ruined so many occasions, holidays, any days that he’s off. He knows he acts like a dick when he drinks but doesn’t do anything about it.
I told him earlier in the week that I’ve had enough and I’m done as found a spliff hidden at home. We’ve hardly seen each other or spoken and he just doesn’t care. He hasn’t tried to make amends, he’s been back from work later than normal, goes in earlier and went out drinking with workmates last night.
He’s 43 and the group of people that he works with are mainly in their 20s and 30s, mainly single or without kids so go out a lot. He seems to think he’s young free and single, he has started smoking when out with them and now the weed?! It’s like he’s having a mid-life crisis on top of being a usual arsehole.
I know our relationship is done but neither of us have the finances to move out.

OP posts:
Dogslife25 · 07/07/2023 17:19

I know this is an old post but OMG you've written my life story, can I just ask if you have done anything about this and how did u go about it? I'm older than you with 3 older girls, I've been stuck like this for about 10 years but now I feel like I'm going insane and worried for my mental health, my oldest is now 18 and i have terrible anxiety when shes out doing the things she should be doing ,think I've relied on the kids so long now I have to rely on myself 😬😬

Original poster
LHJ21 · 07/07/2023 18:53

@Dogslife25 i haven’t as yet.
I haven’t had close friends for a number of years, but it didn’t bother me as I was busy with my kids, husband and work & colleagues and felt happy with that.
Now as my kids are getting older and more independent and me and my husband have drifted apart I feel extremely lonely.

The only messages I get on my phone are from my husband or parents. It’s made me think if me and my husband were to separate I’d have no one apart from my parents and husband.

I have got an old school friend and we are in contact every once in a while, it’s usually a quick how are you and it fizzles out as quick as it starts, but I would like to try and meet up during the holidays with the kids so will definitely plan on doing that and try and build on it from there.

OP posts:
Sittwritt · 07/07/2023 21:23

That’s the best you can do really. Try and invest some time. All of us get busy and friends can frizzle out with moves, kids, family eats up a lot of time, especially if you want to do it all properly with a clean home and good food. The bizzare thing is you are not alone lots of us feel the same and fall into similar traps, so well done in reflecting and investing time into it again.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/07/2023 21:28

@LHJ21 I had a shock about 7 years ago when it turned out my H had been a bit of a shit, I realised the same as you- I had built my life around him and our son (second husband) to the detriment of anything else- Made a concerted effort immediately to join stuff and make at least a few friends- which I have done

Dogslife25 · 08/07/2023 13:52

@LHJ21 thanks for replying, it's so hard isn't it, I think I'm gonna put more time into myself and maybe try and build some friendships I'm not the most confident person so I find this type of thing difficult, not sure how old your kids are but mine are older so can't really arrange 'playdates' as they don't wanna know, so if your still able to do this then do it now and make friends with other mothers, be surprised how many can relate I expect xx