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Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

50 replies

Fartooold · 27/04/2023 18:20

I am in a group of six friends who share a hobby.
The friendship has extended outside of the activity, we go for meals out, have holidayed together, had weekends away - you get the picture.
We are all independent women, no young children, all have cars.
(Sorry for going into huge detail, don't want to drip feed).

My car had a massive problem a few weeks ago now, and has been awaiting delivery of a replacement part, which is due in soon, so I have had no transport for 3 weeks now.
4 of my friends live close to each other in the next town to me, the 5th lives slightly further away.
They have continued with the hobby ( several times a week), continued going for meals, and have never offered to pick me up.
We had a birthday meal on Monday and I paid for an expensive taxi to get there and back.
There is no public transport for me to get to them, BTW.

It has niggled with me, we are all in a WhatsApp group, and if the situation was reversed, I would offer lifts occasionally, but accept that that's just me.

However, and here comes my question - we have an event coming up soon and one of the group has been in touch to say she would pick me up en route.
It is to a place that a) I can get to easily by bus and b) have free parking for.

I am so tempted to say I'll just make my own way there - but is that being silly?

OP posts:
Skankoot · 27/04/2023 18:34

How far out of their way would it be to pick you up and take you home? Would it be many miles/minutes added on to their journey?

If it's only a 5-10 minute detour to pick you up I think you should ask if someone could and you'll pay them petrol money.

If it'd be adding more than 30 minutes to their journeys I don't think you should ask.

How much is the taxi?

Skankoot · 27/04/2023 18:35

And yes, re your final comment you are being silly.

You'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Drummend01 · 27/04/2023 18:42

I think it is a bit selfish of the other friends to not offer to lifts occasionally while your car is out of action, but have you asked? I’m sure if you asked them then they’d be happy to do it, people have busy lives and don’t always think about others.

Regarding your question, is it you that has free parking for this place so you think the friend is only offering you a lift to get the free parking? Sorry if I misunderstood? If not and you mean the place just has free parking then I don’t see why you don’t take her up on the offer? You are upset nobody has offered and now somebody has you’re not happy either?

Catshaveiteasy · 27/04/2023 18:43

No, don't snub the offered lift! You want revenge, but you'd just be shooting yourself in the foot.

Why didn't you ask one of them for a lift when you didn't have use of your car? You expected them to guess you wanted one. In my experience, people ask for lifts, as I'm not always aware their car is out of action, or may have forgotten if they have told me.

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/04/2023 18:45

Did you ask anyone if they would mind helping with lifts?

Yes if having a lift would be easier then it is silly to say no. Especially silly after being frustrated they haven’t been offering lifts.

frazzledasarock · 27/04/2023 18:48

use your words for goodness sakes. Ask for lifts till your car is sorted and say you will pay towards fuel.

stop quietly seething.

And graciously accept the lift offered and thank her and offer to pay towards fuel.

most people have so much going on they don’t tend to think if everything seems fine.

Original poster
Fartooold · 27/04/2023 18:53

Thank you - I know you're right.
No, I haven't asked for a lift, but have said I wouldn't be able to get wherever because I still had no transport. Then felt peeved when no one offered a lift 😳

Yes, probably cutting nose to spite face, it just stung that all of a sudden they remembered I needed a lift when I can provide free parking ( and they are literally driving past my front door to get there).

Thanks for the reality check - I'm only seeing it from a selfish ' no one cares about me' attitude 🙄

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 27/04/2023 18:58

It’s tough when you know that you’d be more generous but the reality is most people are absorbed in their own lives, it’s not a malicious thing. But if they do take advantage of your free parking and they do have to basically pass your house to get there then I wouldn’t offer money for fuel on this occasion, I’d consider the free parking my donation to the journey.

Skankoot · 27/04/2023 18:59

How far out of their way would they have to come to get you?

Zanatdy · 27/04/2023 19:00

Why didn’t you put a message in the group saying my car is broken and can anyone pick me up for the next x number of weeks, happy to pay petrol.

Original poster
Fartooold · 27/04/2023 19:08

Skankoot · 27/04/2023 18:59

How far out of their way would they have to come to get you?

Well, if it was to do hobby, it would be a there and back for them, so a 10 - 15 minute run each way. I WOULD NEVER ask, or expect them to do this.

BUT, social get together always take place where they live - I always travel to them, and that is where it would have been nice to be thought of.

A birthday meal was organised. The birthday person always chooses venue, so no problem there, but no one asked if I could get there, or did I need a lift.
And yes, I could have asked, but I just can't put on people like that - if they wanted to do it, they'd offer ( in my twisted brain)😄

Think I just feel a bit left out, im going a bit stir crazy with no transport, but once I have my car back, will be fine again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fartooold · 27/04/2023 19:09

Zanatdy · 27/04/2023 19:00

Why didn’t you put a message in the group saying my car is broken and can anyone pick me up for the next x number of weeks, happy to pay petrol.

They know !

OP posts:
Skankhunt84 · 27/04/2023 20:27

Will they not be drinking anyway if it's a meal out? They might not be driving.

Eggseggseverywhere · 27/04/2023 20:32

Before my friend could drive I ferried her plus dc to /from a play group 5 days a week. When she passed a couple of times my car was off the road and she literally drove past me 5 days a week as I walked.. Tainted things for me a bit..

FinallyHere · 27/04/2023 20:43

but have you asked

This is key for me.

If you usually all travel separately, and you have not asked for a lift, how would they know you would like one.

If you usually all car share and you have now been dropped because you temporarily cannot offer lifts in return, then you need new friends.

Ladybug14 · 27/04/2023 20:44

If your friends know you have no car, if they know there's not great public transport, if they don't offer to give you a lift and carry on meeting regardless -- then they're not bothered whether you're there or not.

Ergo they're not really that friendly/not great friends

TescoFinestMyArse · 27/04/2023 21:08

You're being silly.

Also, why didn't you just ask if someone can swing by and pick you up? They aren't kind readers. For all they know you could've had a lift.

Catshaveiteasy · 27/04/2023 21:28

Maybe they are not the most generous of people? Maybe each hoped someone else would give you a lift? Whatever the truth, you need to take care of you. If you enjoy their company, be more assertive and ask for what you want. Stay positive and don't go down the rabbit hole of thinking 'maybe they don't really like or care about me?'.

By continuing to go the hobby, they always had each other even when you weren't there. Chances are they like you just fine, but are happy to be in a group of 5 when number 6 can't make it. Don't take it personally.

SmallFerret · 28/04/2023 01:43

I am so tempted to say I'll just make my own way there - but is that being silly?

More passive-aggressive than silly.
But silly too,
Just like you've been for the past few weeks - you call these women your friends, know you would do help them in the same situation - but are afraid to ask them for a lift?

What's going on with that?

SmallFerret · 28/04/2023 01:46

Ladybug14 · 27/04/2023 20:44

If your friends know you have no car, if they know there's not great public transport, if they don't offer to give you a lift and carry on meeting regardless -- then they're not bothered whether you're there or not.

Ergo they're not really that friendly/not great friends

Maybe each hoped someone else would give you a lift?

It's likely not as cynical as this.
More akin to the Bystander Effect - in a group of people even a small one, everyone tends to think that somebody else is in charge, & organising what needs to be done.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/bystander-effect

Bystander Effect

The bystander effect occurs when the presence of others discourages an individual from intervening in an emergency situation, against a bully, or during an assault or other crime. The greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is for any one...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/bystander-effect

Circumferences · 28/04/2023 01:51

I remember when I lost my driving licence for a temporary period, it was some time ago, but I literally asked everyone I knew if they could help me out and I'd offer petrol money/give homemade cakes whatever in return. I never sat back and just expected people to offer! That'd be rather unrealistic.

northernsunshine · 28/04/2023 04:26

Side note, intrigued what this hobby is that could create a friendship group. Can you share?

MichelleScarn · 28/04/2023 05:13

social get together always take place where they live - I always travel to them, and that is where it would have been nice to be thought of.

So how far away are you from them? Would they have to.travel from area A where they live and where get together is to collect you at area B to go back to area A? How would you get back from get together?

Opentooffers · 28/04/2023 08:32

It's a mix of 2 things, on the one hand you would have thought that someone would of offered so that you could of been there for the hobby, but also you were rather passive by not putting it out there that if anyone could help with lifts you'd appreciate it - then if noone offered you'd have a clearer understanding of how they are as people.
I'm guessing you are all fairly young, what you realise with age is that those who ask often get in life and nobody thinks any less of them if it is reciprocated.

Newusernameaug · 28/04/2023 08:39

i wouldn’t of offered, here’s why:

  • you offer once and then feel like you’ll have to do it for every get together until your car is fixed.
  • 15 mins to yours, 15 mins back to the hobby before it starts, then 15 mins there and back home after - you’re expecting someone to do 1 hrs extra driving presumably after work / life / children etc
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