Am I expecting too much?

[Fartooold]

I am in a group of six friends who share a hobby.
The friendship has extended outside of the activity, we go for meals out, have holidayed together, had weekends away - you get the picture.
We are all independent women, no young children, all have cars.
(Sorry for going into huge detail, don't want to drip feed).

My car had a massive problem a few weeks ago now, and has been awaiting delivery of a replacement part, which is due in soon, so I have had no transport for 3 weeks now.
4 of my friends live close to each other in the next town to me, the 5th lives slightly further away.
They have continued with the hobby ( several times a week), continued going for meals, and have never offered to pick me up.
We had a birthday meal on Monday and I paid for an expensive taxi to get there and back.
There is no public transport for me to get to them, BTW.

It has niggled with me, we are all in a WhatsApp group, and if the situation was reversed, I would offer lifts occasionally, but accept that that's just me.

However, and here comes my question - we have an event coming up soon and one of the group has been in touch to say she would pick me up en route.
It is to a place that a) I can get to easily by bus and b) have free parking for.

I am so tempted to say I'll just make my own way there - but is that being silly?

Crikey you come across as very PA.
You would NEVER ASK but expect them to ask you and are in a temper about it?

You are an adult, take responsibility.
Bus, hire car for 3 weeks, bike, ask if anyone can give you a lift, offer petrol.
Sitting back, saying nothing and then being annoyed is very childish.

Yes, that would be very silly.

Sounds like it is convenient for them to get the free parking if you are with them. I would be a bit huffy to be honest.

I think a 10-15 minute run each way, twice in a night (so potentially a whole hours driving out of their way) to get to a hobby is a big ask TBH, and you're a bit of a CF to expect people to do that. It seems like on the one occasion that giving you a lift is reasonable and not massively out of their way (because they're driving past your door) they have offered. I'd certainly offer to pick up a friend if it was minor inconvenience and I was driving past or near, but absolutely not if it involved 4 separate journeys all out of my way in the opposite direction of 10-15 minutes each.

You're an adult. It's up to you to arrange your own transportation. A hire car whilst yours is off the road would seem like a good idea. How are you getting to other things in your life - work, supermarket, sports, school runs etc?

Agree with all of this - apologies OP, but you seem to be "cutting your nose off to spite your face" here.

I really don't mean that harshly, it can be hard for women especially to assert themselves to get their needs & wishes met. What factors from your early life do you think may have contributed to your reluctance to ask for what you want? It's worth a quiet mull over, because this could have been easily solvable with direct communication. You pals could have taken turns to ferry you to the hobby - if that was too much time/logistics wise, they could certainly have given you a lift to the social event, knowing that you'd do exactly the same for them if they needed you.

You might enjoy this book & find it helpful - this is NOT aimed as a criticism, I'd just like to believe you could assert yourself a little more, without beating yourself up for ASKING (!!!) or suffering the sad outcome of failing to ask, then being hurt that your pals are not mindreaders.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication/dp/0715654543/ref=sr_1_1?adgrpid=1172080293858784&hvadid=73255220586656&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=41792&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-73255152863773%3Aloc-188&hydadcr=10807_2102392&keywords=a+woman+in+your+own+right&qid=1682673284&sr=8-1

For all you know, your friends are thinking that if you'd wanted to see them you'd have asked for help. People have busy lives, add that to the Bystander Effect & I hope you will see the light - that it's not rude to ask close friends for favours. Especially when you are the type who ensures that favours are balanced because you put yourself out in return.

And yes, I could have asked, but I just can't put on people like that - if they wanted to do it, they'd offer ( in my twisted brain)

As you recognise, you’re not correct - you’re taking a personal slight because no one has offered, but if you’d just asked, I expect they’d have been happy to help. No one wants to add an inconvenience to their day to day (however slight it is!) but most people would do so without quibbling if asked. It’s not a reflection on how much they like you.

Thanks for the feedback - genuinely.

Just a couple of things, being called a cheeky fucker for 'expecting lifts to hobby' - did you not read my posts? I said quite clearly that I would never expect that 😏
And secondly, I'm not in a temper.
I was feeling a but hurt tbh, but not in a temper. To me it felt as though I was only thought of when they wanted something ( parking), however, I acknowledge that I am my own worst enemy because I as wet as a lettuce leaf - I just have a fear of asking, getting, but being resented. And yes, I know that's my problem.

I can't afford a hire car, the repairs to mine has run into thousands. I walk/cycle/bus in everyday life, but, as I said, cannot get to the next town this way.

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

Sorry, if you don't want lifts to your hobby, and you're not happy about being offered a lift when they are in your area, what is it you want?

You want all 4 of them to drive to somewhere convenient to you, even though it inconveniences all of them? Or one of them to drive from the area they live in to pick you up and back again, although that might mean they have to drive when they otherwise wouldn't, massively inconveniencing them? Or you want to pick the venue for someone else's birthday celebration for your convenience, regardless of their preferences or convenience on their birthday? Because none of those things seem remotely reasonable to me.

I'm genuinely confused at what your expectations are and why you are hurt.

You say you'd never expect lifts where its massively inconveniencing them (e.g.to the hobby )- and they don't offer you lifts when it would be massively inconvenient to them. You don't expect, they don't offer - so you're on the same page, nothing to be hurt about.

You have been offered a lift when it's not a big inconvenience, and you're not happy about that either, and think it must be for free parking? (Is that really likely? Surely parking is only a few quid anyway and neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things?)

And when your car is off the road, it's par for the course that you arrange and pay for your own transport, taxis etc if you want to go out. And if you don't want to do that, then, yes, it will me you miss out on some events.

What exactly is it that you want them to have done to make you happy?

I'm sorry. Im obviously a fucking failure at this.

In my head, on WhatsApp group, if we are talking about a birthday meal, and a friend says, 'I'm so sorry, I can't get there, still no car', I would have immediately said 'no bother, I'll pick you up'.

And I have done.

But I'm obviously winding people up, seems like I'm on my own here.

Thank you, I have ordered the book from Amazon🙂

Well, I don't think you're a failure, and it's sad to hear that's how you feel about yourself.

But basically, you want THEM to be inconvenienced, rather than YOU being inconvenienced by your car being out of action. And that's quite unreasonable in my opinion.

So, if it helps you take any comfort, it's not a sign that they don't like you or care for you, just that your expectations are rather unreasonable, and centred on what's best for you rather recognising the inconvenience it would cause to others.

They are happy to offer you lifts when the inconvenience to them is minor - such as when they're driving through your area. They're your friends, they care about you.

@Fartooold i agree with you about the others stepping in to offer lifts. Hard question but could they view you as a bit of a liability in the group? Just wondering if it might the case that they feel they’ve helped out too many times. Do you offer to pay parking or give petrol money etc?

only other thing I can think of is that they might have assumed you weren’t too fussed about going and didn’t want to push a lift on you?

also what IS this hobby?

But you are expecting them to give you a lift, OP, because you're upset that they haven't offered.

Very gently, but you are accepting none of the responsibility here, when it's very clearly your responsibility to get there ... and in this case that would involve: "Hey guys, I don't have my car right now. Would someone be able to give me a lift and I'll pay you for petrol/repay the favour in kind?"

So, so, so simple.

Hmmm announcing it in the group is a bit odd.
I would ignore that " fishing" type of behaviour.
You don't want to say it but want people to offer?
If its the next town get a taxi.
Not sure why you are making such a big thing about this?

It may be so, so simple to a lot of people, it's not to me.
I accept its my problem, not theirs.
As for 'announcing' it, it was part of a conversation. ' is everyone up for a bar meal Monday'?
' not me - still no car, have fun '

Yes, i can see that might look like I wasn't bothered, but in my head, I was being light hearted and not hinting for a lift.
Look, I get it. Its me, not them.

It's also different personalities.

As for hobby, it's body boarding😁

Can I just check something because it doesn't really make sense.
They all live in the town where the activities take place?
You live further out?
Does this mean they would have to drive OUT then all the way in?
That's not really a lift to me .
A lift is when you are going the same way and they pick you up on the way.
That's the issue then?

Once more.

It's NOT for the activity. I have said that repeatedly.
It's for the socialising, which takes place on various places.

Activities = meals, cinema etc to me.
I didn't mean hobby.
Anyway if you are this snarky in RL I can see why they don't pick you up

Okay. I'm actually the least snarky person you could meet😁

I'm just shite at communicating, obviously.

I asked you a question and you picked on one word rather than answer.
There's another lift thread running where the Op drove 20 mins out , then 20 mins back ( work) then home 20 mins so I wondered if it was similar to that?
If so I can see why they didn't offer as its not much fun driving around out of their way on a night out .

Well you said in an earlier post that the social activities take place where they live.

So you are expecting them to drive from their home 10-15 minutes to pick you and 10-15 minutes back to the social activity near where they live, and then at the end of the night 10-15 minutes to drop you off and then 10-15 minutes back home again, when they are going out on their own doorsteps and would otherwise have a minimal drive or no drive at all. Can you not see that is an unreasonable ask? And expecting them to spend all that time and all that petrol money, just to save you a cab fare? They end up inconvenienced and out of pocket so that you don't end up inconvenienced and out of pocket by your car breaking down.

They have offered a lift on the occasion that they are driving close by your house, but you're upset about that too, and think it must be for free parking! I think its far more likely that the reason they offered a lift is because they're driving past, and thought you'd appreciate the lift, and it's not massively out of their way.

@mrsm43s
Sorry, its obviously the way I'm telling it.

Our shared hobby takes place in the area 4 of them live in, 2 of us travel in to join them.
Socialising in the pub, restaurant or theatre could be anywhere.

Mentioning the hobby was a red herring I think, it was really just to paint a picture.
It would never cross my mind to expect or ask for a lift to hobby, that would be ridiculous. It really was just a couple if social events ( pub meal and birthday meal) that I missed because I am too timid to ask for help.

I have said yes, it's my fault, not theirs and thanked everyone for their input.

I don't think anyone is at fault though, people have different expectations.
Picking at the semantics doesn't really help clarify.
It's just not clear what you are expecting.

If you expect people to offer a lift with them having to drive from their town to yours then back and then repeat tbh it's a bit much.

If they are driving straight past then asking if they would mind picking you up on the way is fine.

@Fartooold

In this post quoted, you say (word for word)
"BUT, social get together always take place where they live - I always travel to them, and that is where it would have been nice to be thought of."

So to give you a lift to these social events would mean doing 4 journeys of 10-15 minutes each (so 40m-1 hour driving) from where they live to where you live, when they would otherwise have little/no journey, and is an unreasonable ask IMO.

They are giving/offering you lifts when they're driving past/close by (but you think its only for free parking). The difference is almost certainly NOT the free parking, it's the amount of inconvenience and time and petrol cost it causes them. Can you not see that?