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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unmarried living in partners house

39 replies

Replica07 · 27/04/2023 14:37

Hi, this is my first post. Hoping to get some advice on my situation.

I've been with my DP for over 3 years and we have a baby together.
I moved into his (mortgaged) house just before lockdown. I am significantly younger than him and used to rent in a different city before we got together. I am currently on mat leave and just found ou I might be made redundant (genuine reason not discrimination). This made me realise how vulnerable my situation is. We never discussed marriage before we had our baby but I mentioned it a couple times to my partner recently, and he says something like "i guess it makes sense to do it at some point " but never followed up with action. How can I approach him without feeling like I'm pestering him or issuing an ultimatum and explain that I feel really anxious being unmarried living in his house and potentially losing my job soon. I understand his position as well as by marrying me he won't gain anything so he'd rather carry on as we are.. I'm tempted to say if we don't get married I won't start paying you rent when I find a new job and start saving for a house deposit in case we split up if you refuse to provide a sense of security for me but I have a feeling it might backfire.. just to add that even though our communication isnt the best we have a pretty good relationship overall and he's a great dad.

OP posts:
Okki · 27/04/2023 15:02

Could you not buy into his house when you are back working? Have a 'can we discuss getting married soon and me buying into our house' . Also decide if you want to just get married or have a wedding. I wouldn't go I to the conversation with an aggressive stance, such as you've suggested.

Okki · 27/04/2023 15:07

Approach him with saying since having a child and now with potential redundancy, you have become really aware of how vulnerable you are as you have no legal protection, or financial assets really. If he's a decent man, he'll listen. He genuinely may not wish to get married, but that doesn't mean he won't wish to help you feel financially secure. Present it as something to sort together, not you have to marry me or else.

CaptainSeven · 27/04/2023 15:09

Propose to him?

Surely he'll say yes to the mother of his child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2023 15:15

You have to ind a way to be financially secure. And if he loves you, he should be in favour of that. I would go into the conversation that way. The choices are:

Get married, contribute and own the house together
Get a job, he pays his own mortgage on his own property and you start to save to own your own. I'd say for a rental so you can get on the property ladder, rather than 'when I leave you' Grin

If he doesn't want you to be financially secure, you've got bigger problems.

rwalker · 27/04/2023 15:38

You didn’t arrive with a house and you wouldn’t leave with one

no doubt he’s invested his life savings and Paid years of mortgage payments pre you coming along
If you want security plan and work towards it rather than expect a slice of someone else’s

Replica07 · 27/04/2023 15:41

Thanks everyone for your advice.
I'm not interested in a having awedding in the slightest. If we could just sign something online that would be ideal 😂
As for buying into the house, he's had it for a while and ideally I would like to work part time for the first year or 2 after mat leave so won't be able to contribute or save much anyway..
I guess another option would be to have. Cohabitation agreement?
I don't want to propose as although I don't think he'll say no I'd fell like I tricked him into something he didn't want to do

OP posts:
Harrypewter · 27/04/2023 15:42

rwalker · 27/04/2023 15:38

You didn’t arrive with a house and you wouldn’t leave with one

no doubt he’s invested his life savings and Paid years of mortgage payments pre you coming along
If you want security plan and work towards it rather than expect a slice of someone else’s

Of course, the op wants security. She's had his baby. Are people meant to have separate assets now just in case?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2023 15:49

rwalker · 27/04/2023 15:38

You didn’t arrive with a house and you wouldn’t leave with one

no doubt he’s invested his life savings and Paid years of mortgage payments pre you coming along
If you want security plan and work towards it rather than expect a slice of someone else’s

I had a house deposit, DH didn't. Because I'm not a complete arsehole, we worked on a house together.

Why on earth would a decent man want his partner to have nothing? Even if DH and I split, he would be somewhere for chunks of time with DD, I wouldn't want that to be a hovel.

No point telling you that though rwalker you are very consistent with your berating of women. I recognise you on here, which is rare for me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2023 15:50

As for buying into the house, he's had it for a while and ideally I would like to work part time for the first year or 2 after mat leave so won't be able to contribute or save much anyway..

Your contribution is childcare. It's not nothing.

Replica07 · 27/04/2023 15:51

So just because I'm a relatively young woman who chose to be with an older guy I'm doomed to never have any financial security? He didn't have a house when he was my age. He chose to be with me knowing I have no assets and chose to have a kid with me. I'll most likely work part time or do weird hours as well-being of my child is my priority now, not making money. Does that mean we'll never be equal and bridge this gap?

OP posts:
Naunet · 27/04/2023 15:51

I think you should buy your own house OP. Work hard, don’t do more than your share of childcare, don’t go part time, don’t pay his mortgage for him, look out for yourself, you’re very, very vulnerable.
What’s you plan if he kicks you out tomorrow?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 27/04/2023 15:54

Firstly if you get made redundant save the payout and look for another full time job.
Childcare whilst you work is 50/50
I'd then suggest you buy into his house,
If he doesn't want to do this then can you buy a house yourself
With a bit of luck you'll get a payout which you can use as a deposit.

Do not, I repeat, do not stay at home and look after the baby, you need your financial independence and just because he doesn't have a vagina doesn't mean he's not fully responsible for childcare and that you have as much right to work as he does.
As for part time, you can both do part time, that way you don't have to pay childcare etc

Replica07 · 27/04/2023 15:54

👆That was a response to rwalker

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 27/04/2023 15:54

You are not married so you can't afford to just be part time. Huge financial hit for you and makes your position very insecure.
He could reduce his hours so you can work more, for example, if childcare is an issue.

Don't be a mug

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/04/2023 15:55

You need to keep earning a wage until you are married at the least. He could just end the relationship and you'll be up the swanny.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2023 15:56

Poor communication will be an issue that affects all sorts of things. This is a big one so you just need to talk to him about it. Thinking about having an open grown up discussion about this as tricking him is really odd. Would he be trying to trick you if he proposed?

You’re partners, supposed to be equals. Did you plan to have a baby together? That must have involved a discussion/agreement. You moved in with him, did it happen without a chat or was it something one of you suggested and the other agreed to? Marriage is the same.

So many couples seem to think talking about moving/buying property/ttc is okay and normal yet a lot of them think marriage is something a man gets to bestow on a woman. It isn’t. It should be discussed in the same way as any other major life decision. It’s no different.

Talk to him.

Capitalismwantsyou · 27/04/2023 15:59

This is the whole point of marriage - to protect the mom(dad) who is taking care of the child, but not getting paid for it. Your assets should be shared 50/50 as soon as you have a child together. It would be unfair otherwise. If uncomfortable with marriage, you could get a civil partnership, legally its the same.

trisfreya · 27/04/2023 16:01

ArcticSkewer · 27/04/2023 15:54

You are not married so you can't afford to just be part time. Huge financial hit for you and makes your position very insecure.
He could reduce his hours so you can work more, for example, if childcare is an issue.

Don't be a mug

this with bells on

You need to get out and work full time

Replica07 · 27/04/2023 16:02

@AnneLovesGilbert I feel like everything, from moving in to deciding to have a baby was my idea. Even though he's older he wasn't very experienced when it comes to relationships and I felt comfortable suggesting these things. And he just went along with everything. But marriage proposal is where I draw a line and was stupidly hoping he'd suggest it at some point. Guess I just wanted one thing to be his initiative but looks like I'll have to take lead on this as well

OP posts:
legalwotnot · 27/04/2023 16:06

Replica07 · 27/04/2023 15:51

So just because I'm a relatively young woman who chose to be with an older guy I'm doomed to never have any financial security? He didn't have a house when he was my age. He chose to be with me knowing I have no assets and chose to have a kid with me. I'll most likely work part time or do weird hours as well-being of my child is my priority now, not making money. Does that mean we'll never be equal and bridge this gap?

He chose those things because they are no risk to him. If things don't work out, he still has his house and assets, and he can effectively choose how much time and money he puts into raising his own child, secure that you/ the benefits system, will pick up the slack for any money/ time he does not want to contribute. If he wants to pay you nothing, he will go for 50/50 custody.

Please don't underestimate how unpleasant men can be when relationships end. They are nice to you when they like you and want you in their life. Of all the splits I know of in RL, I don't know a single one where the man has behaved decently or fairly. They have all sought to maximise their financial interests at the cost of their wives. And for your man, its easy as its all his anyway and you have zero financial claim on any of it.

And no, you will never be equal when you have an absence of financial security and he has full security.

You really need to protect yourself financially by getting a job and career. Childcare is a joint and equal responsibility, don't make it all yours. There are plenty of threads on here of women in utterly dire situations at relationship breakdown, or perhaps worse, having to stay in miserable relationships.

Marriage will give you some protection, but nowhere near as much as having a job. Ask him to marry you, a simple registry office job will do, and if he won't, the only reason is because he is protecting himself for if/ when you split. And that tells you that you need to 100% protect yourself by having savings and a job of your own,.

And did you say you are paying him rent? I mean really, you are the mother of his child and you pay him like you are a lodger?! You should only be paying towards the mortgage if you are on the title deeds and jointly own the home.

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/04/2023 16:06

If as a family you want to make the decision for you to be sahm or part time then you need to explain to him that you need security and marriage on paper or civil partnership will do that (can have a blessing later if you like) there are other legal ways. He could put your name on the house and ring fence the current equity? Then any household income should be joint. You are doing childcare and you are setting yourself up for massive drop in earning potential whilst his rises. Happened to me I was sahm for 10 years and now just about earn what I did pre kids. However I am married and all money and assets are completely joint.

Capitalismwantsyou · 27/04/2023 16:07

Im actually in similar situation, DP doesn't organise anything, so- i'm basically waiting for some proof of id to arrive in the post, then i'll be calling the registry office to book the dates! Drag poor DP along, and prob parents as witnesses, no ceremony (been together 11yrs) 😆

legalwotnot · 27/04/2023 16:12

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/04/2023 16:06

If as a family you want to make the decision for you to be sahm or part time then you need to explain to him that you need security and marriage on paper or civil partnership will do that (can have a blessing later if you like) there are other legal ways. He could put your name on the house and ring fence the current equity? Then any household income should be joint. You are doing childcare and you are setting yourself up for massive drop in earning potential whilst his rises. Happened to me I was sahm for 10 years and now just about earn what I did pre kids. However I am married and all money and assets are completely joint.

Again, OP, being married, unless your H is phenomenally rich, is not the protection people assume. There was a thread just the other day from a woman who can't work and whose husband has left, but the value in the house is not enough for her to be able to buy. What capital she does raise from the house will disappear over time in rents/ loss of benefits.
You need to earn enough to be able to support you and your kids too, as well as being married.

Hermione101 · 27/04/2023 16:15

You're not married so you can't afford to go part-time or do "weird hours." This is a terrible idea. Get a full-time job, contribute to your pension, and put some money aside for savings.

Do not contribute to the mortgage, because if you separate, you get nothing from that asset.

Also, when you start working, the costs of child care do not come out of your pocket only, he pays too right? And he pays for diapers, clothes, etc...too right?

CaptainCorriganIsFlying · 27/04/2023 16:22

I'm tempted to say if we don't get married I won't start paying you rent when I find a new job

You seem to think you hold the power here. You do not. All he had to do is tell you to leave. Same as he would if any visitor became unwelcome.

Tell him you’re going to book the registration office and agree a date.

And keep working full time. You have no assets- you can’t afford not to work.