Unmarried living in partners house

[Replica07]

Hi, this is my first post. Hoping to get some advice on my situation.

I've been with my DP for over 3 years and we have a baby together.
I moved into his (mortgaged) house just before lockdown. I am significantly younger than him and used to rent in a different city before we got together. I am currently on mat leave and just found ou I might be made redundant (genuine reason not discrimination). This made me realise how vulnerable my situation is. We never discussed marriage before we had our baby but I mentioned it a couple times to my partner recently, and he says something like "i guess it makes sense to do it at some point " but never followed up with action. How can I approach him without feeling like I'm pestering him or issuing an ultimatum and explain that I feel really anxious being unmarried living in his house and potentially losing my job soon. I understand his position as well as by marrying me he won't gain anything so he'd rather carry on as we are.. I'm tempted to say if we don't get married I won't start paying you rent when I find a new job and start saving for a house deposit in case we split up if you refuse to provide a sense of security for me but I have a feeling it might backfire.. just to add that even though our communication isnt the best we have a pretty good relationship overall and he's a great dad.

how vast is the age gap? Is he approaching the end of his working life?

Please, please have a plan in place in case he was to kick you out. As unlikely as it may be, it’s better to be safe than sorry, especially as you now have a child.

You need to get back to work full time and you both need to contribute to the childcare cost equally.

I think it's a bit naive to drop to part time hours in your situation.

You might have to decide whether or not this is a stand you’re willing to take then.

I doubt he’s going to pop the question if past behaviour is what you can go on.

If you want to be married then you’ll have to hope if you bring it up he’s happy to go along with it, as he has the moving in and baby. If you decide to hang on for him to suggest it it won’t come. Up to you but given where you find yourself I wouldn’t pick making a point over getting the outcome you want.

I agree with the others. You need to work full time until you're married. Do t go back part time with the agreement that you'll get married when you have more time/ money or whatever excuse as he'll just keep it as a carrot dangling and never go through with it.

He is in a perfect position right now, minimal risk to him. You need to make sure you're stable, earning and he is paying 50% of childcare and doing his own fair share of the child rearing.

OP, kindly meant but you are spectacularly naive.

Paying rent, not married, having a child, working part time?

Wake up.

You are so vulnerable.

@legalwotnot's post is something you should read and re read.

You are so so vulnerable.

There are reams of threads of desperate women, some 20 years in a relationship, unmarried, 3+ children, having raised the children, done all the housework, all the mental load, worked part time, paid for all the childrens stuff and food etc, whilst their partner paid the mortgage without their name near the deeds, to be turfed out on their ear with nowhere to go when HE ends the relationship.

You are very very naive and you had better wake up quickly.

Work fulltime.
Share the cost of childcare costs proportionally.
Do not give him rent.
If he has zero interest in marrying you, take it for granted you are always going to be very very vulnerable with a child......and start making plans to protect yourself.

We never discussed marriage before we had our baby
Why was that?

but I mentioned it a couple times to my partner recently, and he says something like "i guess it makes sense to do it at some point " but never followed up with action. How can I approach him without feeling like I'm pestering him or issuing an ultimatum
Mention it again, & when he makes his vaguely-assenting response, tell him great, let's keep it low-key, I'll ring the Register Office & get some available dates.

and explain that I feel really anxious being unmarried living in his house and potentially losing my job soon.
You don't need to tell him that. he already knows it. All it will do is make you sound pleading & desperate, & like he has the upper hand.

I understand his position as well as by marrying me he won't gain anything so he'd rather carry on as we are.. I'm tempted to say if we don't get married I won't start paying you rent when I find a new job and start saving for a house deposit in case we split up if you refuse to provide a sense of security for me but I have a feeling it might backfire.. just to add that even though our communication isnt the best we have a pretty good relationship overall and he's a great dad.

I don't want to propose as although I don't think he'll say no I'd fell like I tricked him into something he didn't want to do

I may have to stalk off in disgust after reading that.

When men propose to women - are they tricking her?
Why do you feel that declaring your honest feelingss by asking him to marry you would be a trick?

Fine.

He didn't arrive with a baby, & he won't leave with one.

Every reasonable adult knows that women pay a higher price than men for bringing children into the world. If a man want cohabitation with a woman who is prepared to have a child with him, & all the benefits that usually accompany that (again - usually skewed in men's favour, see mental load, housekeeping, childcare ... SO rarely equally shared) then men can put their money where their mouth is, & ensure that she is as protected from break-up or disaster as he is.

Stop being so defeatist.

Start asserting yourself.
Ask yourself why it's YOU parking your career, your pension contributions, & doing the lion's share of childrearing (& I'll bet housekeeping). If you got a fabulous career offer tomorrow, would he give up work for 2 years to care for his child? Or would he run, screaming, from the very notion?
Now ask yourself why he thinks is fair or "natural" or whatever bullshit, that he expects you to. For nothing.

You'll never be equal until you start ACTING equal.
You feel he'd say yes if you proposed. So do it, already!

Sorry OP the bold type misfired & a whole chunk of text disappeared.

and explain that I feel really anxious being unmarried living in his house and potentially losing my job soon.
You don't need to tell him that. he already knows it. All it will do is make you sound pleading & desperate, & like he has the upper hand.

I understand his position as well as by marrying me he won't gain anything so he'd rather carry on as we are.. I'm tempted to say if we don't get married I won't start paying you rent when I find a new job and start saving for a house deposit in case we split up if you refuse to provide a sense of security for me but I have a feeling it might backfire.
He will gain security for his child should anything happen to him - his assets will become yours & the child's.
He will gain an equal partnership with you.
He will gain your happiness. Why are you not placing more value on that, or expecting him to?

just to add that even though our communication isnt the best we have a pretty good relationship overall and he's a great dad.
Great dads don't leave the mother of their child insecure, facing redundancy, & planning to be on zero income as an unpaid childminder & skivvy for 2 years, while he sits pretty in his own asset with his career & pension unaffected.

Your communication will improve when you open your mouth & tell him what you want. "Let's get hitched" & Great, I'll book the RO" will be a good start.

It’s really not that unlikely! Half of all marriages end in divorce and I’m betting the failure rate is much higher for unmarried couples.

God, another one 🙄

Op, what ages are you both? What is the difference in income?

Please be aware that should your partner decide the relationship wasn't working his commitment to your child is maximum of 10% of his earnings. Go on the CSA website and calculate the numbers. It's shockingly low.

Then work out what rent, childcare would cost and see what benefits you would be entitled to. It's perhaps something you need to do so you can see what the risk is.

Don't panic yet but start building a financial plan should your partner decide marriage isn't for him.