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Original poster

Lightningbolt .. what now?

48 replies

bumblebreath · 27/04/2023 09:38

Firstly a bit of background. I have been on MN for more than 10 years but have name changed for this thread. I am divorced and have been single since 2020.
I have 3 DC who are with me full-time for 6 weeks and then with their dad for 2 weeks. He lives oversees which is why we have the arrangement we have. Had he lived in the same country as us, we would have had a 50/50 arrangement.

Two weeks ago I met a man through OLD. I wasn't really looking but I was out with a friend in her local town (1 hour away from where I live) and having had a few drinks we both opened OLD and were 'helping' each other with the swipes.

I came across a man who lived close to the town who I liked the look of, swiped right and he responded immediatly, guessing I was out with friend. We chatted for a while and then I said I would let him relax (he was home with his DD's) but he owed me a date. We chatted for a few days and then arranged a date.

And since then I have been totally bowled over. We saw each other and it was like a lightning bolt. We have had a few magical weeks but...

... he doesn't want it to evolve into a relationship because we live 1 hour apart from each other, in combination with the fact I have my kids for 6 weeks at a time.

I am gutted but at the same time also see that a relationship would be really difficult.

The connection is amazing though. I have only felt like this once when I was 18 (am 45 now). I didn't feel like this with EXH.

So what now? I don't feel like playing games or like trying to convince him to give it a go. I need to just let go, right?

I am pretty happy with my life so don't feel I need a partner in my life, though for him I would be prepared to give it a go.

Does anyone have any advice? Or experienced something similar?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 27/04/2023 09:39

He's not that into you. Sorry

You need to move on and forget this one

2chocolateoranges · 27/04/2023 09:43

You both are looking for different things, I’d walk away.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 27/04/2023 09:56

You are right.

The annoying thing is that he keeps saying things as if he might change his mind and tells me I'm perfect for him.

He's stringing me along, right?

OP posts:
Wallsofglass · 27/04/2023 10:00

It seems like the lightning bolt is kind of one sided , sorry. I don’t think this is how lightning bolts are supposed to work .

SaveMeFromForearms · 27/04/2023 10:00

Mmmm he told you upfront that you wanted different things, but then he's hinting differently to keep you on the hook? Sounds like he isn't the guy for you.

Peppapigboresme · 27/04/2023 10:03

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns about this thread, so we've agreed to take it down.

Beaverbridge · 27/04/2023 10:19

Hes keeping you as an option. Move on.

Doggymummar · 27/04/2023 10:22

Why not FWB it when you don't have the kids? As you weren't looking for anything anyway casual might be nice?

Original poster
bumblebreath · 27/04/2023 10:26

I do think he is genuine and that he feels the same. He has experienced a big loss in his recent past which is why he feels he wants more time with a future partner than I can offer him.

Could be that he is manipulating me of course, but I don't think he is consciously doing so.

I have got my head around the fact he isn't the guy for me. Now I have to let him go.

In the end I have no regrets. I thought the part of me that could feel so intensly about someone was long gone. And I hadn't had sex for way too long. That itch has also been scratched 🤗.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 27/04/2023 10:26

An hour is nothing, surely that wouldn’t be a hurdle? As much as I don’t want to say it OP, it sounds like an excuse to me. Good luck.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 27/04/2023 10:28

"Why not FWB it when you don't have the kids? As you weren't looking for anything anyway casual might be nice?"

I have considered this but the thought of him with others is not one my heart can bear.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 27/04/2023 10:37

I wouldn't rule anything out OP.

You only met him two weeks ago.

Personally I would communicate but on the aloof side and still have a full life that you can mention from time to time.

For instance, if he messages clearly expecting a longish reply, say, hey there out at the minute will reply more fully when home.

You have no idea if this might blossom into a commited relationship but to expect declarations of love after two weeks is a bit OTT.

The chemistry is there, next time you know when you won't have kids, message him a week or so before, I'm kud free from X date if you fancy a meet up.

He might think a hour is too much of a hurdle but that might change.

You are busy, he is busy, you both have lives and kids where you are right now, yes it could just be a bit of summer loving this year and that's it. But better than a summer of no loving?

And having a loved up glow is attractive you might meet someone else, closer, and be in a confident, glowing place when you do.

Basically I wouldn't turn down any fun right now. You could use his attention as much as he can use yours.

Provenza · 27/04/2023 11:02

Hmm…sadly, the good old ‘if he wanted, he would’ comes to mind.
You want different things. Enjoy the memories and move on to avoid heartbreak.

LiliLil · 27/04/2023 11:04

OP you’re already making excuses for him. Big past event or not, awful childhood, trauma, anything - is not an excuse for shitty behaviour.

He’s told you he doesn’t want a relationship, if he really wanted the same as you he’d make it work. He’s stringing you along, no doubt enjoying the ego boost and feeding you just enough crumbs to keep you hooked while he does what he wants.

walk away.

MrsMarkRonson · 27/04/2023 11:14

Yeah sorry it sounds like he just isn't into you. Sorry. Been through a similar thing and best way to deal is to go No Contact.
So sorry it's shit I know. Sending a very un-mumsnetty hug your way!

mindutopia · 27/04/2023 11:37

I would go on some more dates if you both want to and enjoy it. Realistically, he's only an hour away (dh and I lived an 11 hour flight from each other when we were dated - we didn't have dc then but still an hour is nothing). You may have your children for 6 weeks at a time, but presumably, if you wanted to, you could find away to see him during that time. A babysitter, sleepover with family/friends, daytime date when they are in school/childcare, if they aren't old enough to stay on their own for a few hours. I'd enjoy it and see what happens, but if you are both genuinely keen (not sure he is), really the obstacles aren't big ones.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 27/04/2023 12:37

"Personally I would communicate but on the aloof side and still have a full life that you can mention from time to time.

For instance, if he messages clearly expecting a longish reply, say, hey there out at the minute will reply more fully when home."

I get what you mean but tbh - I can't be arsed with stuff like that. I mean, I do have a busy life and I don't always reply to messages straight away. But I do really enjoy the 'live' whatsapp convo's we do have as we both reply instantly and they are just very enjoyable.

I think I have got myself past the 'lovey dovey' stage but am actually still really enjoying the time I have with him. It is fun and loving. I just don't like the pull back & attach again that he is doing. Also, I quite enjoy spending time alone or with my DC so don't feel the need to see him more than a couple of times a week, which I could easily arrange.

I'm seeing him tonight so I think I will just tell him to stop the 'you are perfect for me, it is soo sad we can't be together' melodramatics if he wants to see me again. Otherwise I am happy to let him go. After a nice evening tonight :).

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 12:46

It's an hour.

How old are your kids? Do you not have any family or baby sitters who could watch them while you have a date now and then .... Until you knew someone long enough to introduce them (?)

These seem surmountable. Yet he doesn't want to surmount them.

Like someone said, no matter what he's saying the lightning bolt does not seem entirely two way.

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 12:53

Sorry to say it but men who are head over heels do not say "we can't have a serious relationship" over one hour distance (millions of people commute that twice 5 days a week or close to it).

And over childcare arrangements which might become less relevant if the relationship lasts and he's introduced, and will become utterly irrelevant in the v long term.

If he has a notion of how you feel, he's being very unfair to you continuing to see you and have sex with you.

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 12:54

As a favourite you tuber of mine says "never ready for commitment, yet somehow always ready to have sex".

WatieKatie · 27/04/2023 12:55

He is making it clear he doesn’t want any a relationship or commitment and rather than be honest about that makes up excuses such as distance.

If you are content with that fine but he screams player and I suspect you’ll only get hurt.

SaulSobieski · 27/04/2023 12:59

*The annoying thing is that he keeps saying things as if he might change his mind and tells me I'm perfect for him.

He's stringing me along, right?*

I think so.

Who knows why.

Maybe more sex - until he gets bored after enough of it, you're still shiny and new ATM.

Maybe indecisiveness - that's being kind

From how you des tube your feelings and how you couldn't bear the thought of him with someone else (in a fwb situation) etc. I honestly think you'll just get hurt the more you see him and particularly shag him. Oxytocin is a bitch.

RenoDakota · 27/04/2023 13:10

For a bit of balance, and contrary to most of the comments here ...
I said this to a bloke I met and started dating. "Don't want to see you every weekend / anything serious" (was long distance). That soon changed and we were together for 25 years, married for 21.

HurryShadow · 27/04/2023 13:49

If I were you I would walk away from this one with the knowledge that you've had a really good time (and scratched that itch!) and that even though he may not be the right person for you, you now realise you might be ready to find someone that is the right person for you.

A lot of people recommend the book Get Divorced Be Happy by the comedian Helen Thorn. It talks about moving on after the end of a relationship and the thrills (and spills!) of modern day dating.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/04/2023 13:50

Unfortunately shit happens

I would struggle to date someone an hour away too

it’s great that it happened and you felt that spark
but it can’t really progress can it ?

get back out there and stop shagging him as the more it continues , the more attached you’ll get

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