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Original poster

Lightningbolt .. what now?

48 replies

bumblebreath · 27/04/2023 09:38

Firstly a bit of background. I have been on MN for more than 10 years but have name changed for this thread. I am divorced and have been single since 2020.
I have 3 DC who are with me full-time for 6 weeks and then with their dad for 2 weeks. He lives oversees which is why we have the arrangement we have. Had he lived in the same country as us, we would have had a 50/50 arrangement.

Two weeks ago I met a man through OLD. I wasn't really looking but I was out with a friend in her local town (1 hour away from where I live) and having had a few drinks we both opened OLD and were 'helping' each other with the swipes.

I came across a man who lived close to the town who I liked the look of, swiped right and he responded immediatly, guessing I was out with friend. We chatted for a while and then I said I would let him relax (he was home with his DD's) but he owed me a date. We chatted for a few days and then arranged a date.

And since then I have been totally bowled over. We saw each other and it was like a lightning bolt. We have had a few magical weeks but...

... he doesn't want it to evolve into a relationship because we live 1 hour apart from each other, in combination with the fact I have my kids for 6 weeks at a time.

I am gutted but at the same time also see that a relationship would be really difficult.

The connection is amazing though. I have only felt like this once when I was 18 (am 45 now). I didn't feel like this with EXH.

So what now? I don't feel like playing games or like trying to convince him to give it a go. I need to just let go, right?

I am pretty happy with my life so don't feel I need a partner in my life, though for him I would be prepared to give it a go.

Does anyone have any advice? Or experienced something similar?

OP posts:
Ambertonix · 27/04/2023 15:13

When i met my now DH through OLD. He had never been married, i was recently single. He had no kids and didnt want them whilst i had two teenagers. He lived down south and i lived in the north, 4 1/2 hrs away from each other. We met up, hit it off. He moved up here, we got married and the rest is history. We didnt let barriers get in the way. Im really sorry but he just isnt that into you. One hour away is nothing if you want a relationship to work. Dont waste anymore time.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 27/04/2023 23:34

Thanks you lot. I've finished it. We had a lovely evening and no hard feelings from either side.

I'm actually a little releived to get back to my old familiar life. He was very intense, though a lot of fun.

My self-confidence has significantly increased Smile

OP posts:
raycampi · 28/04/2023 00:42

If he wanted to then he would!

fivestarrating · 28/04/2023 11:14

I would say most men OLD are not looking for a relationship, just a quick leg over and or a mini fling.

The great thing is you had a good time and it's lovely you got out when you did. As you say, maintaining something which won't be long term does take time and energy, you'd be better off putting that into other opportunities in your life.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 03/06/2023 05:51

So I thought I would give you an update on my situation.

Lightningbolt man and I still see each oher when we can. I couldn't stay away from him 🫣.

We are both still 'dating' though we have pretty much lost interest in other people.

We have booked a holiday together for the end of July.

The distance is still an issue and to be fair, I am not sure how we will bridge that. I want to be with him a lot more often than is possible now.

So no official relationship and I am still not sure what the future holds. But I am loving what we have nonetheless.

Scary though

OP posts:
Numberunknown · 03/06/2023 06:07

Glad your ok and enjoying what you have , distance is not always a problem , my relationship started out with a 6 hour distance and in time we overcome that by both moving to a completely new area that suited us both , ( no kids though )

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 07:12

I think it says a lot that you love what you have, even though it's not what you want. Do you actually care at all about getting what you want? Or are you just happy to continue to give him everything that he wants, and spend your time on someone who dismisses your needs and is quite possibly seeing other people, with complete impunity?

PetitPorpoise · 03/06/2023 07:42

Had to double check the OP and was surprised there's so much issue being made out of a one hour distance. That's not insurmountable at all if you both have strong feelings. Are the two places very different?

Glad it's going well!

fluffypinkclouds · 03/06/2023 07:49

bumblebreath · 03/06/2023 05:51

So I thought I would give you an update on my situation.

Lightningbolt man and I still see each oher when we can. I couldn't stay away from him 🫣.

We are both still 'dating' though we have pretty much lost interest in other people.

We have booked a holiday together for the end of July.

The distance is still an issue and to be fair, I am not sure how we will bridge that. I want to be with him a lot more often than is possible now.

So no official relationship and I am still not sure what the future holds. But I am loving what we have nonetheless.

Scary though

So, he's getting lots of sex from you, a joint holiday and he's still able to date other women because nothing is "official" and technically you arent in a relationship?

He's fallen on his feet hasnt he?

Mammothwoollyjumper · 03/06/2023 08:22

Sometimes the lightening bolt is 90% the excitement of dating again 10% him. Definitely break up but keep swiping

DatingDinosaur · 03/06/2023 08:46

I think it's great that you're living for and enjoying "right now" OP.

You could end up hurt if you officially break up.

You could end up hurt if you stay together.

Living for "right now" and enjoying it is a bloody brilliant attitude to have.

The epitome of feel the fear and do it anyway.

tattychicken · 03/06/2023 09:10

I don't understand the distance thing. An hour is nothing. Plenty of people commute that far twice a day. If he was into you it would not even be mentioned.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 03/06/2023 09:20

tattychicken · 03/06/2023 09:10

I don't understand the distance thing. An hour is nothing. Plenty of people commute that far twice a day. If he was into you it would not even be mentioned.

It is because I have my kids almost full-time so me going to him requires a lot of organisation.
And the 1 hour from mine to his work becomes 2,5 hours in morning traffic.
That is the issue.

We are managing to see eachother once or twice a week. That is enough for me. He wants more.

So at the moment I am getting out of it exactly what I want. Sex, good company, attention but not too suffocating.

I wasn't looking for a relationship. I really like this man though. He makes me laugh, makes me feel like a godess and is kind.

I get that he wants more than I can offer him. Doesn't make him a bad person or someone who is taking advantage of me. He has been honest and open about what he is looking for.

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 03/06/2023 09:25

Things can work at a distance if you really want them to. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away which usually takes me about an hour on country roads. We've been together 7 years.
Live for the day even if a few years worth pass while your waiting. Being happy is the most important thing...long may it last for you 🌝

Original poster
bumblebreath · 08/06/2023 14:23

So ... it seems I had my first encounter with a narcissist.

The day I posted my last update he had been hinting profusely that he was changing his mind and wanted to go for it with me.
He then went out on a date and met someone he really liked and decided he wanted to go for (having told me just a few hours before that he loved me). He told me this over whatsapp whilst I was on holiday. He said that he was breaking all contact with me to give this new relationship (wtf!) a chance and that I should understand.
The next day he sent me a whatsapp to say the new relationship wasn't going to work out after all but that but he is happy he went on the date because he realised that he really can't cope with the distance. So he still doesn't want to be with me but he wants us to be friends.

He received a very clear e-mail from me which included the words 'fuck-off' and I have not been in contact with him since.

Now I have to keep it up because I hate conflict and tend to want to smooth things over.

I don't regret having met him or what we had. I feel a lot more confident in my own skin and am happy to know that I am still able to feel that way about someone, albeit the wrong person in this case. Fuck it felt good when I was with him though. Bastard.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 08/06/2023 14:43

Glad it’s over as it seems a lot of dramatics on his part over a 1hr distance. Seeing each other once or twice a week seems like a lot to me so not sure what his issue was. If he wanted to make the effort he would have, but he clearly didn’t. His loss

Frith2013 · 08/06/2023 16:22

I wish I had sent your email, rather than the insipid version I sent yesterday.

darisdet · 08/06/2023 16:31

He received a very clear e-mail from me which included the words 'fuck-off' and I have not been in contact with him since.

Good for you, OP! The nerve of the man.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/06/2023 19:50

bumblebreath · 03/06/2023 05:51

So I thought I would give you an update on my situation.

Lightningbolt man and I still see each oher when we can. I couldn't stay away from him 🫣.

We are both still 'dating' though we have pretty much lost interest in other people.

We have booked a holiday together for the end of July.

The distance is still an issue and to be fair, I am not sure how we will bridge that. I want to be with him a lot more often than is possible now.

So no official relationship and I am still not sure what the future holds. But I am loving what we have nonetheless.

Scary though

You are 'dating' & going on holiday with a man who resents the time you spend with your children???? Jesus fucking Christ 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Farmageddon · 08/06/2023 20:26

I'm sorry OP. I was reading through your messages and kept thinking 'this doesn't sound good', you don't know this guy and you are falling into a trap...he was just too perfect, too full on, and told you just the right things to keep you hooked, but also keep you at arms length.

I know it sounds harsh but when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe him! He will still be quite happy to string you along for sex as long as it's convenient.

Maybe take some time out from dating, and if you do dip your toe back in, think about your boundaries. Talking about lightening bolts after 2 weeks is way too intense.

GAWI · 09/06/2023 09:53

I hope you've blocked him everywhere you can.
No more communication with him. Whether it's to tell him what you think of him or not. He'll thrive off it, even and probably especially the negative stuff.

GAWI · 09/06/2023 09:53

I hope you've blocked him everywhere you can.
No more communication with him. Whether it's to tell him what you think of him or not. He'll thrive off it, even and probably especially the negative stuff.

Knackeredhamster · 09/06/2023 10:02

Hopefully the lightening bolt has fizzled.
You must have severe ick now op.

Time to move on, what an opportunist wanker😁

Sounds like he loves himself.

Eww

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