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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it a crush or am I reading too much into it?

33 replies

KateLester · 26/04/2023 20:56

I've recently become close with one of my male colleagues. We have a lot in common and make each other laugh constantly. Borderline best pals.
We recently went to a conference and he wouldn't leave my side the entire time and I was convinced that he fancied me. He was finding little ways to touch me (random fist bumps, playfully kicking my bum, messing up my hair). But that couldn't be it because he is married...and not happily as he has made subtle comments of how unhappy he is in his marriage.
We've started texting more recently and he has started making inappropriate jokes (I.e. making jokes that he needs a penis reduction because of his bad back, making masterbation jokes. That sort of thing) calling me inappropriate names (although he says they are terms of endearment). I've got a wicked sense of humour so that stuff doesn't bother me nor does it make me feel uncomfortable (I grew up with brothers) but I'm confused to whether he is treating me like one of the guys or if he actually does fancy me.
If it sounds like the latter I'm thinking I should set some boundaries...although I do fancy him and the attention is nice, but know that nothing could ever happen because he is married!
Anyway thoughts and advice are most welcome! TIA

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 26/04/2023 21:08

It’s all sorts of inappropriate, OP. I too have a wicked sense of humour. I grew up with brothers. I love a filthy joke. But I don’t think dick jokes, inappropriate names, and bum kicking would please his wife (who would very likely be shocked to hear that her husband is unhappy… I was in this situation years ago and was fed the same ‘I’m unhappy’ line. ‘We’re living separate lives,’ he said. Nope. The reality was, they were TTC and start a family!).
Trust me when I say, this isn’t the road to a great and loving relationship. None of this is flattering. He’s just cross-crossing all sorts of lines; yours, his wife’s. He sounds seedy. He’s showing you who he is and how he treats women. Take note!
Set those boundaries.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 26/04/2023 21:12

You should already have set some boundaries! He’s married. He sounds like a total catch! His poor wife.
I don’t think inappropriate attention from married men is “nice” either it’s sleazy.
This won’t end well if you work together and continue down this path.

Buildingthefuture · 26/04/2023 21:14

He’s a married man trying to get a shag. You won’t be the first he’s tried it with and you won’t be the last. I would strongly recommend that you don’t give him the ego boost he so badly needs because it won’t end well - for you.
In general I find that inappropriate comments are best met with a look of disdain followed by “your poor wife”. That repels the sad bastards quite quickly. Men like this are not a good bet.

Creditcrunch2243 · 26/04/2023 21:15

He sounds like a complete turd. He is a married man trying to get his kicks from someone at work. Take as old as time and you will be the one who gets hurt. I’m sure his wife has no idea she is in an unhappy marriage.

Creditcrunch2243 · 26/04/2023 21:16

Creditcrunch2243 · 26/04/2023 21:15

*tale

Porkscratching · 26/04/2023 21:20

Agree with the others unfortunately op. It sounds like he's trying to see if you would be up for an affair. You should definitely back off and set some boundaries.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 26/04/2023 21:23

Yuk - he sounds a repugnant, repulsive, repellent, dick swinging asshole of the highest order, giving you the 'script' about an unhappy marriage just to get a shag. Avoid and think about his poor wife being cuckolded

Original poster

KateLester · 26/04/2023 21:45

Thanks all! I agree nor would I put myself in the situation of being the other woman. I can promise you that I don't flirt with him. When he does his way of "flirting" I roll my eyes and tell him hes gross. This has been helpful!

OP posts:

IsThePopeCatholic · 26/04/2023 21:54

I think you are allowing your ‘wicked’ sense of humour to give this man the come-on. How can you allow his comment about a penis reduction? You have allowed him to go too far. If you think his comments are funny, I despair.

Dery · 27/04/2023 00:46

You sound a bit naive, OP. This guy is a chancer and, as PPs have said, you’ve tolerated comments from him that are really crossing a line. Is there a power imbalance that makes you feel you can’t push back?

It’s also not good for other colleagues to see that you’re willing to engage of this kind of stuff in the workplace. They will take you less seriously because of it.

It can be really easy to get sucked into this kind of thing but you’ve realised it’s not right and now’s the time to distance yourself.

CallieQ · 27/04/2023 00:49

Run for the hills!

Dithyramb · 27/04/2023 00:51

Leaving aside entirely the fact that’s he’s married, I’m gobsmacked that you find his penis and masturbation jokes, ‘playful’ bum-kicking, hair-messing and inappropriate nicknames endearing, even attractive! Ugh.

TweedPillow · 27/04/2023 01:02

He is a complete Cunt.

SimoneSimone · 27/04/2023 04:30

It sounds like you are enjoying the attention and having fun with him. Spare a thought for his wife and put yourself in her shoes.

Missanimosity · 27/04/2023 06:01

Aside from tee fact he is married, what grown woman allows her backside kicked , even playfully? What is he, 5? The dick joke...that is not joke, that is testing your boundaries. Is gross and I geuinly see nothing attractive, I would be furious to be disrespected like that. His poor wife!

Kindledino · 27/04/2023 06:22

Sounds like an absolute wanker. He's clearly trying to get his leg over - but by kicking you in the bun? Messing up your hair? Making dick size jokes? Is this person actually 13 years old? I cannot fathom how anyone could find that sort of behaviour attractive, even if he was single.

MsDogLady · 27/04/2023 06:52

Kate, you claim that ‘nothing could ever happen,’ but so much illicit behavior already has occurred. You are in emotional affair territory with this Player.

You feel close to him. You share physical attraction, ego massages, commonalities, and constant laughs. There’s been an escalation to messaging/more frequent contact, with an added sexual element. You’re allowing him to touch you and are tolerating his negative comments about his marriage.

Your colleagues will have noticed the boundary-crossing. You must have seemed like a couple at the conference.

His Wife would be devastated if she witnessed or heard about the above. You’ve been complicit in her humiliation, as you’ve entertained his appalling behavior and haven’t shut it down. The truth is, this sleazy, entitled guy doesn’t respect either one of you. He’s a cake eater who is playing you like a fiddle.

I hope you’ll get smart and distance yourself from him pronto.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 27/04/2023 06:58

Dithyramb · 27/04/2023 00:51

You've obviously posted this so we all tell you he fancies you, as you're obviously enjoying the attention. Bit pathetic really, you won't be the first and you won't be last, maybe you need to find some self respects

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 27/04/2023 07:11

"He’s a married man trying to get a shag. You won’t be the first he’s tried it with and you won’t be the last."

This 👆 Have some self respect and stop letting this pig stroke your ego at the expense of his family.

Notanothernewname · 27/04/2023 07:24

Penis jokes and inappropriate nicknames? That's not my idea of wicked sense of humour. Makes me cringe. I also have brothers.

I can have a great laugh with some of the guys from work, a couple have taken to using a nickname for me (it's one friends use and nothing inappropriate or crude).

He's after a shag nothing more.

YouAreNotBatman · 27/04/2023 07:42

I’m just shocked you find him attractive!
He sounds absolutely repugnant!
Never understood women who like men like this.
What does having brothers have to do with this?
Are you saying all men are repulsive and disgusting?
Raise your bar.

YouAreNotBatman · 27/04/2023 07:43

And being married is the least of it.
His personality alone sucks.

icelollycraving · 27/04/2023 07:50

Sounds like childish behaviour, when boys can’t tell a girl they like her so are a bit mean. Madness.
Your idea of a wicked sense of humour and mine are v different. He’s pushing boundaries and you’re lapping it up.

ShandaLear · 27/04/2023 08:08

Sort out your boundaries. He’s tickling your bum, messing your hair and telling you sob stories about his unhappy marriage. He is grooming you for sex - all the attention, texts, ‘jokes’, are to get you into bed with no thought for his wife. Next you’ll be having a dirty little office affair, and it’s probably not the first time he’s done this. Some men are just creeps and get their rocks off preying on susceptible women.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 27/04/2023 08:23

I agree with all the PP especially @MsDogLady. Burst the bubble, stop the texting, stop him touching you and stop encouraging this relationship.

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