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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Three years later I'm still alone ,how do I get happy again?

35 replies

dlingalingalong · 26/04/2023 12:11

Three years ago I started seeing a guy and he treated me terrible,narcissist /player/ruined my self esteem.
I clung on for 8 months because I enjoyed going out /trips away and stupidly I loved him.
Anyway he ditched me in a very cruel way and three years later I'm still alone.
I have 3 friends who I never see as they have kids-I try and organise meet ups even pic nics/days out with their kids but because I have none -they say no as their kids will be bored
So every day I finish work,come home and check my ex's Facebook and he's no married.
I check daily and see his honeymoon posts /weekends away etc etc and I'm alone.

I started a new job but made no friends.
I did fitness classes to try and make friends but everyone keeps themselves to themselves
I tried online dating -didn't work

So my life is finish work
Come home /sit alone
Weekends I go to town alone and come home and get a takeaway
No nights out /no holidays -just nothing

Watching everyone with the life I used to have
I don't know how to get a life
Im trying but nothing

OP posts:

Wimpeyspread · 26/04/2023 12:16

You learn to enjoy your own company. You go on holiday on your own. You find a pastime that interests you and then other people that are interested in the same things. You learn that your are a complete person in yourself who does not need a man to exist

Original poster

dlingalingalong · 26/04/2023 12:18

I'm just very lonely
I'm 32 and just want to be happy and have fun
I don't want to be alone all the time

OP posts:

samestyle · 26/04/2023 12:22

Definitely stop looking to see what he's up to, that's self abuse, deliberately making yourself feel bad, there's no loss really if he treated you badly anyway.

you maybe single for a while but better that than being in a wrong relationship.

Keep your mind open to old dating, you never know if you stop trying.

Nachobowls · 26/04/2023 12:22

I’ve been alone double the time but I have children so very hard to meet anyone. Do your friends not invite you to things? Sounds like it’s you doing all the asking and them making excuses not to come? I would stop checking your exes Facebook it’s not going to help

MrsSchrute · 26/04/2023 12:23

First of all, stop looking at his Facebook. I know it's tough, but it is doing you no good at all.

Secondly, what things do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies or interests?

Do you have any family?

Could you suggest evenings out etc with your friends, child free?

Redcliffe1 · 26/04/2023 12:53

Do you live in a city? I do and have joined some meet up groups. Have made one friend but have enjoyed all of the nights out - one is for going to films together and the other is a book club.

Original poster

dlingalingalong · 26/04/2023 13:14

I live in a city
I've tried to stop looking at his Facebook but it's a open profile and when I'm feeling low and down I just can't help it
It's not like I'm sat at home not attempting to Meet anyone -I am
I've had around 10 dates since last year but no spark for me and found Myself going just to get out of the house

OP posts:

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 26/04/2023 13:26

Do you think that part of the trouble is that you are still too hung up on your ex? Looking at his Facebook every day, even if it IS an open profile - that seems that you care a little bit too much about what he's up to. You need to get to a place where you don't care what he's up to. Him having a full and interesting life isn't going to get one for you, it just makes you feel worse. Delete him from your profiles and don't look.

Find yourself something that you love, but without a view to using it to meet people. Take up running/have riding lessons/join a book club. Learn a language, join a walking group. Something for you. When you learn to no longer care at all about your ex, then you will be in a better place to try to meet someone else. Even if you meet someone now, you will only be comparing them, so get ex out of your head first.

Nachobowls · 26/04/2023 13:28

But looking at his profile every day for 3 years isn’t normal behavior and probably stopping you from moving on. It’s hard I get it I had to stop looking at my exes as it made me feel worse, I stopped and it was hard but I had to pretend he no longer existed.

Defenders · 26/04/2023 13:38

How do you feel after you have looked at his profile op?

MintJulia · 26/04/2023 13:41

To start with OP, stop checking his social media. That's not healthy.

When you get home tonight, think what you can do to make your life more fun. You like going out and trips away. Find & join a MeetUp group local to you that is all about going out.

The same for trips away. What sort of trips do you like? Cultural, city break, skiing, whatever, there are group trips available. It is possible to have all these things without a bully of a man in tow.

I've been single for 6 years. I Parkrun, I joined a martial arts group and a clay shooting club, I'm going on a sailing course in the summer. There are trips associated with each. I meet people and I have lots of fun, being single doesn't stop that.

Maybe go and chat to a friendly local travel agent. Decide what sort of group trip you would like, - long weekend in Rome or Copenhagen or a murder mystery week or late skiing - and let them do their job. Treat yourself. 😊

tinyblackcat · 26/04/2023 13:47

So I know it feels like you can’t help it, but you can. Nobody is physically forcing you to look at it. It’s become an addiction for you. Start by blocking his profile so you can’t view it any more.

MintJulia · 26/04/2023 13:55

dlingalingalong · 26/04/2023 13:14

So forget about dating. You don't need another partner. You need to work on you being happy in your own skin as an individual. You won't ever be happy if you rely on your 'other half' to make you so.

Make 2023 about you. Achievements, successes, new experiences, self-indulgence even. Not about finding a new man.

Gingergirl70 · 26/04/2023 13:58

Have you heard of Meetup, OP?
You need to find new outlets for your time and energy. And OLD is not always the answer, you might just jump into another unsuitable relationship because you're lonely, not because you're ready or you genuinely like the person
Concentrate on building new friendships and pastimes - romantic relationships will hopefully come along in time but they are not the be all, end all of happiness.
Meetup has loads of different groups for lots of different hobbies (or just days and nights out) for all age groups and there'll be loads in your area. It's free to join and absolutely everyone on there - men and women - are in the exact same position as you, looking for new friendships, a social life, ways to spend their evening or weekends with like-minded people

airmaxJJeanii · 26/04/2023 14:01

I had a 20 year break up with my husband and I straight away blocked him him out my mind and never checked his socials . Now I'm pregnant and happy with a man I fell in love with because I chose to change my mindset and reinvent myself. I got a new sharp haircut, got red lipstick I never would dare wear . I got new clothes and new bedding and cushions etc and spruced up my bedroom and I had fun . I know if I had been checking his Facebook page I'd not be where I am now . I get very low and down and jealous so I'm self aware enough to know not to go down that miserable path. Choose you . Block him now and keep telling us on here that you haven't broke and checked him. In 2 weeks I bet you feel different xx

airmaxJJeanii · 26/04/2023 14:05

Honestly block him now and choose you xx They say it takes doing something 21 times to make a habit, well might take 21 times to tell us each day you haven't checked him . Think how much of a habit checking him is - then the same mood happens again and again. It's a cycle 🔁 . Break it. Free your yourself xx

Goatbilly · 26/04/2023 14:51

How old are you op? What stage are you at in life (wanting children?)

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 26/04/2023 15:17

In the last few years I have been widowed (fairly young) and then had to stop work to look after elderly parents. When my parents died, I found that I didn’t really know anyone in my local area so had to put some effort in if I wasn’t going to be lonely.

You need to find activities where you are forced to interact with the other participants as part of the hobby. Fitness classes don’t tend to do that.

For example: Book Club, Tennis/Badminton, Choir, Ramblers, Dance (think modern jive where they pair you up with someone when you are there) etc. Pick something you will enjoy even if you don’t make friends straight away.

It will take regularly turning up for a while before you can then suggest a coffee/ drink after the activity (if no-one else does) and you will slowly get to know the other members.

After a while, suggest a related activity, e.g. ask if book club members want to see the film of the book with you (even if it’s on video at your house with a bottle of wine) or a visit to an area the author lived in or wrote about or else an activity that you have discovered the other members like that you also like (e.g. walking).

Ask the other members what other groups they get involved in, they may offer to take you along or suggest activities to try.

Many groups also do weekends away as part of the activity.

It won’t happen overnight but you will get there. If you decide to go back to dating it will give you something to talk about and make you a more interesting person.

Just get out there and keep at it, treat it like a job until it works for you, it will eventually.

Watchkeys · 26/04/2023 16:26

Go to groups that have the intention of introducing people to people, socially, rather than going to groups where people are there to achieve something for themselves as an individual. Go to classes in the evenings.

What's the last thing you did, that, if someone else had done it, you would have said 'Wow... I have so much respect for them for doing that'?

GreyCarpet · 26/04/2023 16:59

I've tried to stop looking at his Facebook but it's a open profile and when I'm feeling low and down I just can't help it

Of course you can help it! You're choosing not to resist and wallowing which, after e years, isn't doing you any favours. He is remarried and you're living half a life watching his.