How do people have relationships?

[Throwawayfornow]

I spent 20 years in a very abusive relationship after an abusive childhood. We split 10 years ago. I've been having therapy for 5 years now, but these are some questions I'm too afraid to ask my therapist (who is lovely - we have a great professional relationship, but these things sound so silly to ask). Please, please be kind - I'm quite terrified asking these things.

What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar?
What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something?
How do you manage being ill without making them angry?

I know these things sound silly but I've been assaulted with weapons for having a period. To answer your 'why didn't you leave?' questions - simply because I was told it was my fault and I deserved it, and didn't know it wasn't normal.

I'd like to have a nice relationship with someone nice but I'm told I can put people off by coming across as aloof. I'm not trying to be at all - I'm just scared of it all happening again. I don't know how to manage having human bodily functions when someone else is around, but I don't want to be single for the rest of life either.

Thank you for your time

Bless you poor, poor love

Sorry no good advice because my love life is, and has always been, a dumpster fire, also likely due to enduring an abusive childhood. I have been single and celibate for over a decade (😳) because it's the only way I know to keep myself safe. I keep working on my boundaries and self esteem though and live in hope!

Hi @Throwawayfornow sorry you've gone through such a awful time x
Your questions are not silly.
Ok, so the fart situation, i personally hold it lol but if i really can't then i just laugh afterwards and it's forgotten about.
I regularly shave my legs but since i had a baby i've not been able to keep it up and that's ok, we're allowed to have off days, also guys are way more hairy and spotty so they don't take much notice.
Don't worry about being ill, please just look after yourself, you are the priority.
Sending you lots of positive vibes xx

Exactly this - thank you I feel a bit more normal now

@Summer2424 They're more hairy and spotty - well he certainly was 😆

I just fart.

A decent man won't actually care if you haven't shaved your legs.

I prefer to be on my own if I'm ill. Again, a decent man won't be angry because you're ill - period or otherwise.

To confirm, my partner has no problem with any of the above.

Oh bless you. You should be able to do these things comfortably after a while with a partner. Maybe 2-3 months of living together I was comfortable to fart, not shave legs etc. If we are sick we look after each other...the sick one however does stay in the room for longer until they recover.

I’ll do my best to answer your questions!

• What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar? If it’s a very new relationship I’d probably excuse myself to the bathroom to fart. This really is silly of me but until I’m comfortable with someone I prefer to smell bad alone 😂. I’m with my current boyfriend for 3 months and now I just fart. Sometimes I say “whoops, sorry”. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I comment that my tummy is a bit gurgly. Sometimes I say nothing. He farts too and does same. He would never criticise my digestive system and I’d dump him if he deliberately made me uncomfortable farting in his presence (because that would always come hand on hand with other issues).
• What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something? Nothing. He cares about me and finds me attractive and that is irrespective of my spot or hairy armpit. I do try to make sure I’m clean, smell nice etc. but that is because it makes me comfortable. He does the same for me, wants to be attractive to me. However we are both adults and human and know that sometimes you get spots, sometimes you sweat, etc.. If he made me feel bad about not being runway ready at all times I’d dump him.

• How do you manage being ill without making them angry? A good partner would never get angry at you for being ill. They will be concerned about your health, they will offer to do things to help you, they will check in on you. If you live together they may feel frustrated at having extra work to do whilst you are in bed but they shouldn’t take this out on you. Imagine how you’d feel if he was sick or your kid or dog. It’s annoying when my dog vomits on the carpet but I don’t yell at him, he is poorly. If a partner gets angry or makes you feel bad because you are sick and can’t do chores or can’t meet him then dump him.

Basically your boyfriend should be kind to you (and you to him) and if he isn’t he is a BAD boyfriend and you don’t need him!

To confirm, my partner has no issues with the above. Or periods, or no makeup, or occasional unwashed hair or big slobby jumpers on the sofa. Or me getting sweaty, or my dickhead cat covering him in cat fur.

much love to you. Hope you find a nice fella and maintain good boundaries without feeling like you need to be an emotional fortress 💐

Be brave & wherever you are let your wind go free, a simple excuse me should be sufficient. If any man puts you down because of hairy legs arm pits, spots etc, he doesn’t deserve your time or attention.

Married 25 years now.

Farting - just do it. Apologise if it's horrible.
Legs / spot etc - laugh mostly - it happens.
Illness - look after each other, bring food / drinks when making some anyway etc- but to be fair, we've always done this since we first started going out.

We just try to be nice to each other really.

You seem very self aware so you will be polite and considerate enough for any normal man . Just go for it and see what happens with your new life you want to make. Trust me any normal man doesn't care about leg hairs not shaved for a couple of days and he'll just be glad he's lying next to you in bed . I hope you build up your confidence and and notice any red flags early on as to never get torn down by any man again xx good luck

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds like you've had a bad egg.

What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar? - I either try and move so it's not on him (just a bit of respect!), go to the loo, or apologise if it slips out. And he does the same. It's not an issue.

What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something? - It's never even been mentioned, and I do sometimes get spots and I don't shave my legs particularly regularly either. But neither does he... ;) He's not ever mentioned my pubes get out of hand or anything like that. There are good men out there who aren't superficial - he regularly says I'm beautiful when I'm tired without a stitch of make up.

How do you manage being ill without making them angry?
I try not to whinge or ask for too many cups of tea. But he will usually make me cups of tea and pet me on the head to make me feel better. He's never been angry at me for being ill. I look after him when he's ill, too. Giving him space to sleep and recover, healthy food, and plenty of water and back scratches. We mostly try and make each other happy, it doesn't feel like a compromise.

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I think it sounds like your ex basically didn't treat you like a human being. All the issues that you asked about are just part of being human, and no reasonable man should expect you not to do any of those. A good partner will make you feel like it's OK to be who you are, without having to worry that normal parts of being human have to be hidden away. I'm aware that it can be very hard to feel OK with who you are after experiencing so much abuse, so I'm not trying to say that it's easy or anything. Also, Mumsnet does make it sound like there are quite a few unreasonable men out there who aren't nice partners. But I've always wanted my wife to feel comfortable with being who she is, and I think that a lot of other men out there are good partners in this way too.

A decent man won’t care if you fart, if you don’t shave your legs, if you have spots or if you’re on your period. If you’re ill, a decent man will care for you.
Im sorry for everything you’ve been through 💐.

Honestly the only answer is to have a relationship where you have clear boundaries and good red flag behaviour from the outset.

Any incident where he judges you for being you, where he doesn't tolerate you being able to do what you want with your bodily functions, the relationship isn't for you.

Even if you want to spend every period sat on a bale of hay, singing to the moon, if he doesn't like it and can't accept it, he leaves or you do.

Could you try old and just do first dates only? Just see how most men treat women and how much more you can see arseholery in them when you're aware?

Sorry you've been through all that. Abusive relationships can really cause lasting trauma.

To answer your questions:

What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar? I would personally leave the room but if i didn't, we would both see the funny side. We are adults who understand how human bodies function. And we both have a stupid sense of humour.

What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something? I'm glad my partner understands that women have body hair. You don't need to 'do' anything in this situation if you're in a relationship with a mature, grown up partner. Mine has never ever given me any indication that he would prefer me clean shaven everywhere although he accepts it's my preference.

How do you manage being ill without making them angry? decent people don't get angry when their partners are ill. They try to help.

Healthy, compatible couples treat each other like humans. Of course you will occasionally have your differences but you should always feel as though you are equals.

Just echoing prior posters, no-one should get angry at you being ill.

If you see someone taking huffs or treating you worse or trying to one-up your illness ('Well I'm skicker than you because xyz') when you are ill then they are rotten and you should avoid them.

Farting in bed...depends on the relationship. I usually just point my arse away from them and
if they're awake I might apologise. In new relationships I used to always leave the room but I think that's a bad idea cause some nights you can't stop farting and they're going to wonder what the fuck is going on if you're up and down to the toilet evey 5 minutes.

Hair wise, have your hair how you want it. Men don't tend to give a crap about a patch of unshaved leg hair anyway lol. Like theyd even notice. If they do, chances are they qre dixkheads who are trying to 'shame' you. As such, not partner material.

Mine is pretty healthy and we just fart in front of each other. Sometimes during a cuddle and I'll just make a joke like it was too relaxing for me. Occasionally we'll have a little joke at each other if it's smelly but it's nothing anyone would get upset about. We would never try to make the other one feel humiliated.

With intimacy, it's to be expected that people will have normal body smells, maybe spots, ingrown hairs etc. I don't think either of us would want or expect a Barbie smooth body so it's absolutely par for the course to see little imperfections. It's about being close, not scrutinising each other so that stuff doesn't matter.

Neither of us get angry at the other one for being ill. Both of us have some chronic health issues so we do our best to support the other one where one of us has some kind of flare up. We let each other rest and do chores for each other where possible.

Your partner should understand that you're human and we all fart and we all get spots and we all have hairy bits and we all feel like crap sometimes. It should be as normal as needing to breathe.

I'm really sorry you haven't been treated right in the past. It's not fair that happened to you. You should never be made to feel ashamed for being you.

🌺

I don't fart infront of people it's just something I wouldn't do, I would either leave the room or hold it in till they do😂 ive had spots i don't care if someone sees them. I've never made someone angry by being ill and I've never heard that happening to anyone

I hate shaving my legs in winter (boring task and not worth it until skirt weather) but feel unattractive with them hairy - so as a workaround I keep some hold-up stockings under my bed 😉

Honestly I think it would be absolutely fine to mention this to your therapist. Not silly questions at all and I'm sure they would be more than happy to work through this with you, it could be really valuable and helpful work, could help you to process things. X

If it's a new relationship the hairy legs and farting won't be an issue because you'll be shaving like a madwoman and holding in your trumps out of sheer lust. This will not seem onerous.

As you get comfortable in the relationship you will be less bothered and he won't care. (he won't care at the beginning either but you will).

Please be aware he will fight fire with fire, gas wise.

Can you get some specific post domestic abuse support?

Or just ask on here. Lots of honest answers!

Farting- some women will try not to, some will not hold it in after they are quite familiar with a DP (esp post childbirth or long term cohabiting)

Being ill- your DP should be looking after you- buying and bring you lemsips and meals in bed.

You should be able to just be yourself and they should love you for that.

Body hair- there are some pornified men who expect women to be smooth esp under 40s but decent men dont care.

What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar?

I try not to fart in front of anybody but if either of us do we either laugh or turn it into a joke

What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something?

I don't do anything...he'd probably barely notice the things you mentioned anyway.

How do you manage being ill without making them angry?

My dh wouldn't make a good nurse but he doesn't get angry at me for being ill.