How do people have relationships?

[Throwawayfornow]

I spent 20 years in a very abusive relationship after an abusive childhood. We split 10 years ago. I've been having therapy for 5 years now, but these are some questions I'm too afraid to ask my therapist (who is lovely - we have a great professional relationship, but these things sound so silly to ask). Please, please be kind - I'm quite terrified asking these things.

What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar?
What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something?
How do you manage being ill without making them angry?

I know these things sound silly but I've been assaulted with weapons for having a period. To answer your 'why didn't you leave?' questions - simply because I was told it was my fault and I deserved it, and didn't know it wasn't normal.

I'd like to have a nice relationship with someone nice but I'm told I can put people off by coming across as aloof. I'm not trying to be at all - I'm just scared of it all happening again. I don't know how to manage having human bodily functions when someone else is around, but I don't want to be single for the rest of life either.

Thank you for your time

Gosh, as someone with IBS, adult hormonal acne and the body hair of an average gorilla I'd have to never be in a relationship again if most men were worried about this stuff!

You've been terribly abused and so it's understandable that you feel this way, but any person who cares about you won't bat an eyelid. These are just the things that make us human! No one person on this earth is perfect.

We all fart, all get spots, all grow hair in places we wouldn't have it given a choice. It just fades into insignificance when you're in a mutually loving, respectful relationship.

I wish you the best of luck in finding that OP x

I have to say I don't usually fart in front of DH. Maybe it's silly but I'd just prefer not to. But if one escapes accidentally - then no big deal.

Spot / illness / unshaven legs - all absolutely fine.

What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar?

I just get on and fart. It’s a non event.

What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something? The only things that make me self conscious are if I’ve been exercising and am sweaty or I haven’t cleaned my teeth. I will step back and explain. Again it’s a non event. We move on with the day or I will shower/teeth clean and come back.

How do you manage being ill without making them angry? I am the one more likely to be grumpy if dh is ill. I don’t let him know that though and I try to be kind and thoughtful. He is always kind if I am unwell.

I’d actually say that your list should be one of your barometers for any future relationship. Anyone making you feel crap about any of them should immediately go one your ‘thanks but no thanks’ pile.

Obviously when first dating then purposefully cracking a fart out over dinner isnt what you should be aiming for, but once you’ve been dating for a couple of months you should be able to accidentally let one slip without dying of embarrassment.

I was in an abusive relationship years ago so I do know how it can be but not all men are like this. Be careful and take things slowly.

While you are up for asking questions is there any others we can answer for you?

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I don't fart in front of DP (been together 7 years, don't live together) but apparently I do when I fall asleep! I only started doing so in front of XH when I was pregnant and super gassy!

Early on in relationship with DP I was very well groomed. Now less so! He doesn't care, if he wants to get close, he's not going to notice and if he does he'll just laugh about it!

I don't manage being ill without making him angry because that isn't a thing that happens in a healthy loving relationship. I'm so sorry you've not experienced that before. I might text DP and say "can you buy XYZ to.make for dinner, I feel rough, i need sleep" and he does and then I go to bed early, he'll come up with me and watch youtube while I fall asleep. And fart.

On my 2nd marriage

Farts - they occasionally slip out for both of us and it's no big deal, but mostly we both try to do them in private. I'm happy with that, maybe because my ex used to fart all the time in bed and even go for a poo when I was relaxing in the bath rather than use the other toilet. I think he did it deliberately because he knew I didn't like it. So this time around I prefer to maintain some boundaries/mystery or something there!

Spots - oh look, I've got a spot - either or us might say.

Body hair - I shave legs in the summer since my legs might be out in public, can't be bothered much in the winter so mostly just do armpits. DH doesn't mind. DH trims my pubes for me sometimes, but it's a bit of fun, I could never be bothered myself, but I would never let him give me a Brazilian.

Illness - the well one takes over and does most of the stuff that needs doing. We look after each other.

You have obviously been traumatised. Relationships should not create these issues. I don't think most normal men are as you fear.

We mostly giggle about passing wind in bed. Sometimes there's a little horseplay involved as we try to push one another's heads under the covers so the unfortunate victim will be exposed to the full force of the bouquet. I should add that this is all very good humoured, and occasions a lot of laughter.

Illness - we bring each other cups of coffee in bed, go to the shops for Nurofen and Strepsils, or in the rare event of a stomach upset, we've been known to empty one another's sick buckets and all the usual stuff. With regard to spots, I squeeze the ones on his back, but I try not to let him squeeze mine. When we've got a bit of time to spend on one another, he quite enjoys grooming me and does a better job with my legs and armpits than I generally do when I give myself a quick shave in the shower. We've all got bodies and in a good close relationship they can be enjoyed, shared and even celebrated.

Thank you for all of your responses - I'm feeling very fragile with your kindness. School called me to take DS to A&E so I couldn't read them earlier as I didn't want to dissolve.

@MoonbeamsGlittering thank you - that meant a lot.
@Rosequartz7 Good suggestion - I think the conversation will be more along the lines of that I plucked up the courage to come and ask, and that it provoked this reaction, rather than throwing my SFQs at them. Thank you
@yoga4meinthemorning Also a good suggestion but I'd have to be very careful about being outed - every day is still a safety check and some of it was quite specific.
@Highworth love your username lol I have loads, but I need to recalibrate from this for the moment!

It's reassuring to hear that you seem to have good, normal functioning relationships, because that's the sort of thing I want - just where these things shouldn't be a drama.

I think from reading your responses it's highlighting how poor his behaviour was in yet another area, and I've been a bit in denial about it. Being continually told you're ugly and disgusting (I'm no oil painting, but I wouldn't crack a mirror either) is making me try to work how I can be less offensive to a future partner. (FWIW by the time he was arrested he was overweight with poor personal hygiene and could melt faces at 50 yards.)

Thanks again 🤗

This is so sad, I'm so sorry 💐

Someone who loves you will make you feel comfortable to the point that you won't mind any of those things.

It's not as extreme as your case, but my ex preferred me with makeup on. When I met my now husband, I'd get up early to put it on and even reapply it in the night, so scared for him to see the "real me".

He finally just told me to stop because he didn't mind, he loved me for me. I still wear makeup now, but only for myself - he doesn't mind either way.

I hope you find someone who can be gentle with you xxx

You've not been in denial as much as a victim of conditioning that his behaviour was normal. You're bound to take these things on board after so long being with him and it happens to too many people, so you shouldn't feel any shame.

Making you feel ugly or abnormal for essentially being human is really abusive. In reality, it was him who wasn't normal. Him with the issues. Him who was ugly. What a sad life he must lead to feel the need to do this to another person!

You're free of him now and can find someone who behaves how you deserve them to. You'll be cautious at first but once you find someone lovely, you will be so shocked at how insignificant these things are!

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry you’ve had all this in your life previously…it can leave a huge mark so please don’t feel silly at all for asking - you should be proud you’re brave enough to! I had an abusive exH years ago but my DH is kind and caring and I suppose old-fashioned in some ways (he’s late 60s) but he cherishes me, as I do him.

What happens if you're in bed together and you need to fart or similar?

DH does it all, apologises if it’s louder/longer than he anticipated. I try not to in front of anyone, public or private, but know he doesn’t mind at all or think less of me.

What do you do if they try to get to close and you've got a spot, or your legs need shaving, or something?

My legs are unshaven all winter, not once has DH said anything negative and ge comes towards me exactly as much as when I shave. A spot, my horrific stretch marks, chin hairs I’ve missed (they sprout like billy-ho after 40!) they don’t put him off. I was so incredibly insecure when we met, yet he’s shown me always that he thinks I am beautiful and I finally understand as I think he is so handsome even though he doesn’t anymore. It’s love.

How do you manage being ill without making them angry?

When I’m ill he looks after me, he’d hold my hair back if needed or help me to bed. He’ll stay alert if he’s concerned doctor may be needed. He’ll cuddle me if that helps, or spend the night on the settee if that does…he’ll deal with everything with gentleness and loving support just like I do him when ill or injured.

You deserve to be cherished, respected, loved…never, ever, settle for anything less as life really is so damn short.

OP I had abusive childhood followed by abusive relationship.

I am now happily married. One of reasons I can feel happy is because I can be myself without fear of criticism or rejection. I never had that before.

If a relationship happens if you don’t feel like you can just be you then walk away.

Another one here encouraging you to raise these questions (and similar) in therapy. Not necessarily for the answers but it will tell your therapist a lot about how being in an abusive relationship has shaped your sense of normality. There are no stupid questions in therapy (or on mumsnet!!)

I dunno if this helps but I'm single with a "friend"

Spots - he belongs in the sporn corner on here and it makes his day if I have one I can't reach because he will want to pop it (I am noooo and he is "this is the best day of my life")

Body hair - he doesn't notice, genuinely. If I say I've shaved my legs then he compliments them, if I haven't, he doesn't notice half the time

I'm funny about if I haven't showered, he doesn't care so I'll often say get off me until I've showered, he does a fake "ughhhh" at me and I go and shower

If I'm unwell I want to be on my own but he will drop food/medication off for me

Thank you all so much all - this was the main topic of me seeing my therapist today and it's all been really helpful. They were pleased with my reaching out to you all. It's a work in progress but I've come a long way! Now I just need someone decent to come along lol. Thank you to you all for giving me the hope I needed xx

Questioning this treatment is a very good first step in being firm that you definitely didn't deserve to be treated like that. It sounds like very mean behaviour and no wonder you're confused after being controlled like that for so long.

But honestly, a man who loves you will love all of you. Mine loves the smell of me when I haven't had a shower! Tbh, I quite like his smell too. I like it that we're both human creatures who can be natural with each other.

There are nice people out there, honestly.

Best to stay single. Some men are horrible and most are not emotionally in tune.

As you've had past trauma, you're vulnerable.