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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help

38 replies

Ducksinarow1987 · 26/04/2023 04:54

I want to leave. This man is vile. He's trying to control me at every turn and I feel so alone. It's been months and he's done everything to avoid talking of separation. If I say I want to go to friends he says my son can't go with me. When I brought my auntie to stay and support me he bullied her until she left me here.

He earns more than me. He's had house valuations done but won't share them (I will sort my own) says he can buy me out but then changes his mind. I found a flat to rent and want to go. He says if I do, I have to pay half the mortgage which he knows I can't afford.

I'm scared I won't be able to claim benefits because we have this house as an asset but he's abusing me financially and god knows when he'll agree to sell but me out.

Please help

OP posts:
Rosebud21 · 26/04/2023 06:07

I can't answer your questions about your house & benefits. Have you spoken with Women's Aid or Refuge? More people will be awake soon, and can offer advice.

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/04/2023 06:20

Thankyou, I will make phone calls today but I'm so worn down by his abuse and it's killing my mental health

OP posts:
AgrathaChristie · 26/04/2023 06:27

Don’t discuss leaving or separating with him, sounds like he’ll do things to stop you leaving. Speak to Women’s Aid as they will know the answers to your financial situation. Keep a record of things he does and says ( make sure he can’t find it) It will probably be a case of leaving quickly while he is at work and I’d expect him to be initially angry then trying to get you back.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/04/2023 06:34

How exactly is he going to force you to pay the mortgage? If he only pays half, to try to force you, his credit rating will be just as affected as yours, and he then wouldn't be able to remortgage to buy you out. He's bluffing.

Leave. He can't force you to stay.

If you're unable to leave in your own go to a Women's shelter which will give you space, time and help to sort things out.

WilkinsonM · 26/04/2023 06:36

Having a house won't exclude you from claiming benefits. He can't force you to pay the mortgage. Get out then get legal advice.

rolvus · 26/04/2023 06:41

WilkinsonM · 26/04/2023 06:36

Having a house won't exclude you from claiming benefits. He can't force you to pay the mortgage. Get out then get legal advice.

Is this true? I agree with OP and thought that you couldn't claim benefits whilst owning a house as they expect you to sell house to release equity to fund your living costs?

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/04/2023 06:52

@WilkinsonM is this true? I'm so scared today. I've suggested a mortgage holiday until we sell/ he buys me out. He dismissed this immediately last night. I've emailed him today to request a mortgage holiday. Before he buys me out/ we sell.

The next thing will be he'll try to control my access to our child. I am seeing a mediator today as I wanted a schedule to stop him making demands on me whenever I try to see anyone or go anywhere. He has refused to set one up so far as obviously he wants to keep control

OP posts:
Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/04/2023 06:54

I need all the help I can get ladies. I can't stay here any longer. I've considered a refuge so many times but felt brighter when I found the rental but he is going to play he'll to try to control me.

Today I will call:
Child benefit helpline
Womens aiD

I'm trying so hard to be strong but I feel scared.

OP posts:
redheadcurl · 26/04/2023 07:04

If you are both on the mortgage you can enforce a sale. If he can't buy you out he will have no choice but to sell.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/04/2023 07:10

What I did in this situation was to go to a refuge with DS and not work until it was sorted by the court. I refused to talk to my ex except through a solicitor and all child sharing was arranged by the court.
You cannot negotiate with an abuser so mediation is pointless. You ll have to go through the courts.

Powerplant · 26/04/2023 07:11

Are you able to leave safely and stay with a friend or your Aunty when he’s out at work? You are doing all the right things but definitely see a solicitor for advice.

Dery · 26/04/2023 07:11

As PP have said, he won’t co-operate with you leaving so you need to stop discussing it with him. Concentrate on getting out with your son. Speak to Women’s Aid who will be able to advise and support you.

Mumma · 26/04/2023 07:15

I claimed universal credit when ex left and i have a mortgaged property.

I dont know if you can get the housing benefit element though.

I agree you need to speak to women's aid and get legal representation

SpringleDingle · 26/04/2023 07:35

Ok let’s unpick this.

  1. It is different if you are married vs living together so it would be helpful if you tell us that
  2. It is different depending on whether your son is biologically his or not so it would be helpful if you tell us that
  3. I assume from what you say that you have a joint mortgage (legally both named as liable and not just him telling you you have to pay). If this is wrong or you aren’t totally sure you signed for a mortgage (you’d have needed to provide evidence of your earnings for example) you need to double check with the paperwork / mortgage provider.

Firstly he can’t say he won’t separate. It takes two to consent to marry / agree to a relationship but only one of you needs to want to split for it to be so. If you are married you can divorce him without him having to agree. Your first stop is a solicitor.

If you are married the process of divorce includes a financial division and the assets (pensions, savings, house, cars, etc.) will be split either by agreement or, if you can’t agree, through the courts. You can spend all the money on solicitors fees if you end up in court so best to come to a common agreement if you can. Basically the starting point for a split is 50:50 which is then adjusted to ensure any kids are cared for and with the aim of giving you both “enough” to live on. It tries not to leave either party destitute but both have to accept a drop in living standards (unless of course there is a tonne of money to share).

If you are not married there are no courts and all you are legally entitled to is your share of jointly owned assets (e.g. the house IF you bought it jointly).

Children are handled the same way in both cases if DS is his then you either need to arrange contact amicably or go to court to get a contact agreement. If you genuinely fear he will take DS and not return then get a court ordered agreement on contact arrangements so you can use courts to force return of your son if needed.

Contact is unrelated to maintenance. If the kid is his and loves with you more than 50% then he owes you maintenance whether there is court ordered visitation or not. As he is hostile go via CMS.

Finally benefits. You need to confirm your legal ownership of the house. Are you 50:50 tenants in common so legally own half or something else? Then talk to CAB or use the online benefits calculator.

Basically you can leave and he can’t stop you but you need to wise up about your entitlements, the legal process, etc.. and work out how you can deal with him without getting upset or put off. Good luck!

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/04/2023 07:50

We aren't married both joint on the mortgage and it's his biological son

OP posts:
redheadcurl · 26/04/2023 07:53

If he asks you to pay half the mortgage when you move out. You can ask for rent from him for your half.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 26/04/2023 08:08

Have you got separate accounts andaccess to your money?

Original poster
Ducksinarow1987 · 26/04/2023 08:10

Can anyone help with this financial situation.

We pay our childminder each month. I don't work Mondays so take him that day and we get 50% off in the school holidays. Therefore my share of the fees should be lower but I can't figure out out to make this fair. He is the higher earner and contributes nothing over his half and is now saying we need a fairer agreement for childcare costs. I can't figure out the percentage of the split costs

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 08:12

You need your own bank account

you need to contact your employer and change your bank details

He will not stop paying the mortgage because he knows it will affect his own credit rating

you should not leave your child with him

you don’t need his permission to leave and nor should you seek it

claim child maintenance

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 08:13

You can apply to universal credit for help with your childcare costs

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 08:14

And you can go and rent your flat he cannot stop you at all

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 08:15

do you know roughly his salary? You’d get roughly 15% of that for child maintenance

also you’ll get single person discount on your council tax

TravelDazzle · 26/04/2023 08:17

Ducksinarow1987 · 26/04/2023 08:10

Can anyone help with this financial situation.

We pay our childminder each month. I don't work Mondays so take him that day and we get 50% off in the school holidays. Therefore my share of the fees should be lower but I can't figure out out to make this fair. He is the higher earner and contributes nothing over his half and is now saying we need a fairer agreement for childcare costs. I can't figure out the percentage of the split costs

You seem to be all over the place (understandable), but you need to listen to the advice given to you by PP. Stop talking to him about separating, moving out, costs you/him are to pay for mortage/rent/childcare.

Halt all conversations and speak to Women's Aid and ask them to help you form a plan.

You're getting caught up by so many elements that you'll end up totally overwhelmed. Get some advice from Women's Aid and work through everything one thing at a time, logically.

SpringleDingle · 26/04/2023 08:18

He is an arse. Just keep that at the forefront of your mind. He’s not trying to work with you towards a fair split. He is trying to punish you. Think hard about your childcare costs with this fact in mind and tell me if it is fair?

Personally I’d say childcare costs should be split according to income. If you earn equal you pay half each. If you earn double what he does then you pay double childcare costs. Of course that could vary if only one of you is using the childcare so if you were working 10 - 3 and kid is in school you’d need no childcare on your contact days so he’d have to organise and pay childcare if he needs it for his contact days.

Remember he is NOT trying to be reasonable and just a bit confused, he is actively being unreasonable and trying to make your life hard and confusing!

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 08:25

Be prepared for this man to stop paying towards childcare full stop. Be prepared for him to make your life difficult

do not worry about the mortgage you have offered a very sensible solution which he has declined.

don’t give up on getting out.

plan plan and go

do not consult him