Boyfriends ex wife won’t let me see his child

[BananaCocktails]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years he split from his wife 3 years ago and they are now divorced
he has a 6 year old son I have a 9 year old daughter
my daughter has met my boyfriend since the last 7 months and get on well . He rents and doesn’t live with me
he is very kind to us both and a lovely caring man . The relationship is serious.
when we first got together about 6 months in I met his son with my daughter - play date in the playground, the kids just ran around on the slide and swings ect . We didn’t introduce ourselves to the kids as being together nor did we hold hands or anything like that
it was a really nice day and we met up a few times more like that
he didn’t mention it to his ex - which was stupid because his son mentioned my daughter a few times to his ex and she went absolutely ballistic and has banned my partner from bringing his son around me
so now when we are both at home and he has his som with nothing to do we can’t meet up , not even to the play ground
he goes to one play ground and me to another
i said to him I can fully understand that she is fearful of somebody new being around her child. However, we have been together for over two years now , it’s a serious relationship, we aren’t just dating , and it looks like this arrangement with me not allowed to see his child is going to be like this forever. I’ve said to him I’m not prepared to have a relationship like that where I could never see him if he is with his son if this goes on another year or so -and that he needs to sort this with her as she can’t really dictate who he has around his son . They share custody half the week
he stays over at mine a day or so a week and we go out and do things together with my daughter in the daytimes when she’s not at school
However, he doesn’t want to rock the boat with his ex as she was quite abusive to him in the past and gets angry quickly
am I reasonable in saying that we shouldn’t go on for another couple more years or am I in the wrong? I’m sorry I just don’t want everyone to be unhappy.

It sounds like he needs a formal arrangement through a solicitor/court, if he doesn't have one already. It isn't ok for her to dictate his life like this.

I really don't see how she could refuse to comply with contact for this reason. You're hardly a very new or dangerous partner.

The relationship is serious.
You say this twice, so you clearly believe it.
Unfortunately, your b/f doesn't.
He is far more serious about not upsetting an ex - who has been an ex for 3 years!

so now when we are both at home and he has his som with nothing to do we can’t meet up , not even to the play ground
Do you find it difficult to fancy such a wet lettuce of a man?
I would, but the larger issue would be that he is not taking full responsibility for his relationship with his son. He is acting as if he - a father ffs - has no autonomy in decisions concerning his child.

his son mentioned my daughter a few times to his ex and she went absolutely ballistic and has banned my partner from bringing his son around me
😂😂😂
She's not allowed to "ban" her child from seeing anybody the child's father deems fit.
Why is he pandering to her?
You will have bigger problems than the ostensible child issue with this guy. He's not a full adult, he allows somebody else to dictate how he leads his life. This mentality (to be clear HIS, not the ex's) is going to cause larger & larger problems in your relationship.

However, he doesn’t want to rock the boat with his ex as she was quite abusive to him in the past and gets angry quickly
Aaaaw, poor ickle manbaby.
Again - how can you get it on with such a feeble guy?
He's either bullshitting you with the detestable MyCrazyEx trope, just to have an easy life.
Or he's correct, his ex is controlling, but he is a pushover who allows the thought of his ex being angry about his personal parenting decisions to be more important to him than having an honest, healthy & inclusive relationship with you.

Neither of those scenarios are attractive, are they?
Think of the thousands of threads on MN started by women who have escaped from seriously abusive relationships. Most of them don't allow their ex - who is often now indulging himself in post-separation abuse by using the kids as pawns - to dictate what happens on THEIR parenting watch.
So why are you tolerating it from this guy?

Your b/f has 50/50. He is equally in charge of his child as his ex is.
Why is he allowing his EX to control his current love life, his relationship with his son, & who his son associates with?
I'd tell him how unattractive his moral cowardice is, & ditch him if he didn't shape up pronto. You might not want to do that - but seriously - are you going to keep playing second fiddle & be treated like a dirty secret, because your b/f doesn't have the balls to parent his child like the adult he is? Let alone the total disrespect to you ...

Sorry OP - no solutions, just lay it on the line/LTB to offer. You are worth more than this feebleness, it's deeply unattractive & insulting.

Excellent post @smallferret

Op, do you know why he panders to her like this? What does he say when you question why he's letting her dictate his contact time?

You're right in thinking this is unfair. It's ridiculous that he isn't standing by up to her and she's ridiculous for thinking she has a right to control him.

Unless there's a massive back story whereby you're a "reformed" child abuser you haven't told us about! (And of course I don't believe that) 💐

In the early days I actually think he was being sensible. Prioritising access to his child, and keeping the other parts of his life separate in order to keep things working in the short term.

But a couple of years in, I think you've called it correctly - you can't keep this up indefinitely. He needs to pull up his big-boy trousers and get contact legally enforced, or give up on you in order to prioritise the kid if he doesn't have the resources to do it (either financially or emotionally).

And I don't think it's fair to take the piss out of him for being unmanly, feeble and unattractive if he's potentially had an abusive partner and tried to maintain a civil co-parenting relationship in order to keep access to his child.

Maybe he doesn’t want a blended family and the children to meet and is using his ex wife as an excuse. He could say anything and you can’t really verify it.

Sure it is.

Thousands of women have posted here about SERIOUSLY abusive co-parents.
None of them have allowed that abusive ex to dictate access to their child.

Men who pull the "woe, but MyCrazyExTM will stop me from seeing my child" ARE unmanly, feeble & unattractive. THIS man already has a 50/50 residential arrangement. There's no way a court would back any attempt to prevent that by his ex.

It's SO much easier for a man to cry blame on his ex, as a cover for "I like seeing my kid, but I won't fight for access, so I'll pretend that my ex is the boss of how often, & with who, I get to see them. If my new woman kicks off, I'll blame the old one, as it's easier than growing a pair of DadBalls."
Neat trick.
Too many women fall for it.

SmallFerret

your wording makes me a bit uncomfortable

I agree 100% that her partner needs to use the power of the law to asset some boundaries
And if he can’t or won’t - OP has a problem

But when you use some of the terms that you do it’s a bit gendered and stereotypical

i think if we want to a state of better gender equality - we can be be mindful of the language we use about men who are handling (or not handling ) toxic behaviour too

Firstly, this with bells on. We don't know what form this abusive relationship took and it genuinely makes me sad to thing someone is one post talking about how women suffer abuse then saying a man who does is unmanly etc.

Secondly, OP you are exactly right. I assume eventually if this is serious you will cohabit and what on Earth will you do then? Retire to a basement or cave like some hermit for the 50% he has the child? If this is serious to him as it is to you he needs to make her aware that you will be in his son's life. I appreciate whatever his history is this may be hard for him but it won't change if he doesn't.

To clarify, that should have read to think man who also suffers it is unmanly is what I consider sad and dangerous way of thinking when we know so little about his past.

OP Id also find this frustrating

he could easily find a mediator and sort this out with a solicitors letter or mediation
and via asserting some better boundaries

like we would if our exes pulled any shit like this

this is one of the reasons I finished with an ex
it totally didn’t sit right with me , never did

@SmallFerret that was quite the tirade. If the RP wants to play silly buggers, especially if they are abusive, then the fear of losing contact can be very real. I can totally understand if he doesn’t want to risk it.

I'm sorry for your discomfort @Thisisworsethananticpated - but I didn't use gendered language. I quoted a PP who used the word unmanly when I responded to her.

My own words were - wet lettuce, feeble, unattractive, bullshitting.
Any of which I would apply to a woman who allowed her (abusive or not) ex to dictate how much access she had to her own DC.

It's vanishingly unlikely I'd need to though, as women just don't allow the MyCrazyExTM trope to interfere with contact with their children.
And THAT is the gendered stereotype that needs tackling - the fact that a father who eg sees his kids every other fortnight is a "great dad", while expectations of mothers' behaviour is way higher. It exactly that stereotype that allows men to get away with "but I HAVE to pander to my ex, or she won't let me see the kids." They're HIS kids. If he wanted more time with them, he could have it. The trope allows him to get away with it.

This man is 50% responsible for his son, he is in his care 50% of the time.
It's bullshit that he is allowing his ex to dictate the terms of that care, & using MyCraztExTM to fob OP off with.

Wotcher AgentJohnson.

The b/f's ex isn't the RP - they share 50/50.
He has no more to fear from losing contact than his ex does.

@SmallFerret thank you for your response.you know what I really appreciate it because it’s opened my eyes to how ridiculous this whole thing is . you are absolutely right I’m going to talk to him today to say to him either he sorts it out or I’m out
I just wanted to gauge whether this was normal, what she was doing

Thanks all for your responses

SmallFerret

i actually agree with most of what you say actually

I’m literally providing feedback that if you were a smidgen more mindful round the terms you use
”ickle man baby’ etc your message would land better - as you speak sense

and you provided value to OP which is good 😊

She is causing so much damage to her child. What a disgrace.

Agreed op - he needs to start taking steps to prove his commitment to the relationship moving forward. - even if it starts with small ones like firstly a sit down serious / careful but assertive conversation with his ex about what his intentions are, what he wants out of this and hi-lighting the fact that she is simply and factually not able to stop this. Legally she does not have a leg to stand on at all.

If that bears no fruit then he suggests mediation

If she won't engage then it's seeking legal advice. And so on.

Whatever he starts with- he just had to do something. He needs to know you are serious about this and hopefully he will see that he needs to take action or risk letting your relationship ( and any he goes on to have thereafter) be sabotaged by this.

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you for a gracious post, & I'm taking your point on board.

Also glad anything I rambled on about was helpful to you OP.

What he does with his child whilst the child is in his care has nothing to do with his ex wife.

Ask yourself why he is so keen to keep her happy over your feelings.

Unfortunately some separated parents use their children as pawns to maintain a controlling upper hand over their ex partner post relationship. He should grow a pair and stand up to his ex, but he's probably well aware that she's capable of effectively removing him from his role as father to their son.

I can fully understand her not wanting her child to be introduced to you straight away and worrying about her child having lots of people come into and then leave his life. That's fair enough. I think you're right in that your partner not telling her anything about you meeting her is a bit unfair. He should probably have given her a heads up so she wasn't finding out second hand from her child and then left with lots of questions about it.

She may be abusive and may be using this as a means to control him. But he also could still have told her his plans and maintained boundaries with her and involved a solicitor if she threatened him.

I think what you've said is fair, you have explained your expectations for your future in terms of a more blended family developing and you also need to know he's on the same page since he is spending time with your child. He now needs to go away and figure out how to broach this with his ex. If she kicks up a stink at this stage then she'd be unreasonable and he'd be within his rights to get his solicitor to get in touch with hers to remind her of the limits around contact and access. I will also say- sometimes women are abusive. Sometimes they are just hurt by men and rather than take responsibility for that it's easier for men to label them the crazy ex and dismiss them and their concerns around their kids.

he's probably well aware that she's capable of effectively removing him from his role as father to their son.

He has 50/50 residency.
He's no more as risk of having his child effectively removed than his ex is.

It's a myth that women have the power to block men from access to their children. A myth that is all too convenient for some men. Many men just go with the flow, & sacrifice time with their children/autonomous parenting rather than fight for that access.
How many women would get away with that attitude, without getting a moral pasting?

I couldn’t live like this either OP but I wouldn’t be leaving it a year or longer… I’d be saying this needs to change now. Do you think he’s using her as an excuse?