Boyfriends ex wife won’t let me see his child

[BananaCocktails]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years he split from his wife 3 years ago and they are now divorced
he has a 6 year old son I have a 9 year old daughter
my daughter has met my boyfriend since the last 7 months and get on well . He rents and doesn’t live with me
he is very kind to us both and a lovely caring man . The relationship is serious.
when we first got together about 6 months in I met his son with my daughter - play date in the playground, the kids just ran around on the slide and swings ect . We didn’t introduce ourselves to the kids as being together nor did we hold hands or anything like that
it was a really nice day and we met up a few times more like that
he didn’t mention it to his ex - which was stupid because his son mentioned my daughter a few times to his ex and she went absolutely ballistic and has banned my partner from bringing his son around me
so now when we are both at home and he has his som with nothing to do we can’t meet up , not even to the play ground
he goes to one play ground and me to another
i said to him I can fully understand that she is fearful of somebody new being around her child. However, we have been together for over two years now , it’s a serious relationship, we aren’t just dating , and it looks like this arrangement with me not allowed to see his child is going to be like this forever. I’ve said to him I’m not prepared to have a relationship like that where I could never see him if he is with his son if this goes on another year or so -and that he needs to sort this with her as she can’t really dictate who he has around his son . They share custody half the week
he stays over at mine a day or so a week and we go out and do things together with my daughter in the daytimes when she’s not at school
However, he doesn’t want to rock the boat with his ex as she was quite abusive to him in the past and gets angry quickly
am I reasonable in saying that we shouldn’t go on for another couple more years or am I in the wrong? I’m sorry I just don’t want everyone to be unhappy.

Good for you op. Good luck 💐

I think you have to respect the mothers wishes.
2 years seems like a long time but it’s just the honeymoon phase really.
she’ll soon get over him moving on and be too invested in her own life to worry about you setting up family with her child.
if you are serious about him, you’ll give it some more time. Remember it’s him you’re dating, his child has nothing to do with that right now.

I think his relationship with his son does need to be the priority but there's obviously a concern that she could make it awkward for him to see his child in any setting. As long as she will happily not have a bf around her son for years after getting together then fine, but I have a feeling it only works that way for her ex and not her.

I'm not sure how much I'd go in all "wet lettuce" etc... But think the assertion of what you want is needed.

If the ex is a bully she will no doubt escalate things. I know theoretically there's nothing she can do but we all know if she's nasty there is a lot she can do and your new bf knows that better than anyone. Just the added stress and anxiety would put you off rocking the boat.

It's not straightforward and while you can't dictate to him how he manages his children you can decide what you are looking for, what you are comfortable with and set your own boundaries.

I have known someone who always finishes it when the gf starts to insist on being involved with the kids. His reason is always that it wouldn't be worth the hassle that the ex would cause. I'm not sure, I just think he wants a gf rather than another mother/partner in his life. Likes to keep things separate.

Not an easy one. Good luck.

I know you’ve been together a while but you are ‘just dating’ if you’re not living together?? It’s unreasonable to say you can never meet up together with the child but at the same time going to the park for one on one time with dad is probably better for the son than accompanying Dad to the park with his girlfriend and her daughter all the time. Access time is for parent to spend time with the child

I wouldn’t give it a year because I’d be worried your daughter might get too attached to his presence, even if not living together, she’s old enough to envision that being a future possibility.

So as long as it's a woman being abusive and nasty it's fine.

What a horrible piece of work you are.

I agree with nearly everything @SmallFerret said. Your BF needs to take responsibility here. The only thing I’d say differently from @SmallFerret is that whilst I’d be firm about this, I would maybe choose more compassionate language when talking to him.

You have a partner problem not a partner's ex problem!

OK have you seen proof that she has 'banned you from seeing the child' ?

My suspicious mind maybe but I'd wondering if infact, he just didn't want you over his house on those days. Another woman perhaps.

When I was dating Now DH , his ex wife went ballistic when my DSS's met my Dog for the first time (I wasn't there-if had to go to hospital for an emergency op and he has the dog for the days I was there) I wasn't even mentioned and nor was I anywhere near the children at any point. He just said he was looking after a friends dog for a few days. The drama that created!

I wasn't an OW, they had been divorced a year when we met and she had moved a new man into their marital home at the time. She couldn't see the Double standard

Some people genuinely are so insecure that the thought of another adult spending time with their children sends them into a spin.

DH has a 50:50 shared care order and as such told her that she had no jurisdiction over who he spends time with and who he introduces to the kids (unless there was an obvious safeguarding issues obvs).

And then just ignored her ranty messages.

As it happened she has then not stopped in her attempts to break the court order, Alienate the kids and be a general pain in the arse.
But I think they would probably have happened anyway.

So in you case your man there needs to tell her firmly what's what-that you will be meeting the kid as such and such a point.

But I would advise you to think carefully about the future as it seems likely that this won't be the last issue you have with her and it can be very tough to deal with on an ongoing basis-especially if your boyfriend is scared of her.

Always delightful to see people being so nasty about someone who seems to have escaped an abusive relationship.

OP you are correct it is an unreasonable restriction. But don’t handle it as suggested above.

Sounds like the ex was an abusive partner and he may be struggling to deal with interacting with her now. You need a plan. Ensure the 50:50 custody is formalised and court have signed off. Once that is in place, if he has several days in a row, he needs to message her the morning after his son comes over and say that during his time they will be spending time with you and your daughter. State that this is an established relationship and there is no reason for it to be any of her concern. He must not engage further.

If she calls or messages record everything, when he drops his son back he needs to take a friend as a witness. When picking his son up, have a friend as a witness far a few weeks. Hopefully she will blow it out of her system and then just get over it. However, if her behaviour remains abusive he can speak to a solicitor about what he could apply to the Magistrates courts to apply to ensure she moderates her behaviour.

Hopefully, she will just get over it quickly. However, if she doesn’t, sitting in front of a bench of magistrates being given an order telling her to behave may wake her up. Once your involvement is normalised then it will probably calm down. Some people are really dysfunctional but may calm down once there is a new equilibrium.

Thanks so much

@BungleandGeorge If my daughters father tried to dictate to me how and who me and my child spent time with he'd be told to eff off pretty rapidly. It's none of the other parents business unless the child has a problem with it or there's a safeguarding issue.

Yep, when my father did something my mother didn’t like she would beat the shit out of us and him. Apparently he should have welcomed him and us being abused rather than try not to annoy her.

Agreed, imagine writing that lengthy post calling him a baby if this was a woman that had been in an abusive relationship trying to co-parent.

To the OP - I think you are right, you've been together for 2 years, his ex is being ridiculous and still trying to control him. Your boyfriend has every right to introduce you to his kid. He may feel the threat of not seeing his kid lingering other his shoulder. I would do a bit of research on this and present the FAQ's (full disclosure, I don't know the legal aspects of separation and custody) including that his ex is ridiculous, to him and say you'll support him (If it goes to court etc). If he doesn't want to change the current situation then I don't see it changing realistically and you are not unreasonable to call it quits and move on.

"MyCrazyExTM"

What does "TM" stand for @SmallFerret ?

Do you even know for sure she is abusive, OP? Most men all say their ex was "crazy". I doubt it, and I doubt she was abusive. Like many men he is saying that to con you. He just wants to keep you separate from his son, and possibly has another woman over at that same time and maybe the son would be confused if he saw you, too.

But if you moved in together, the son would be living half the time with you anyway and she couldn't stop that. If you think your boyfriend is on the level then suggest you move in together and gauge his reaction to that.

The main issue is your DP allowing his ex to dictate how he manages his childcare and his own life. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that because they’ll be strife for years and I couldn’t be getting in to.

For his own sanity he needs to learn to hold boundaries. If he is a safe parent he should be able to manage parenting however he sees fit while his child is with him.

Fully agree with this trope! Seen it and read it to infinity.

OP if he has a court order of 50% access, the ex can’t stop that or add who he is or isn’t allowed to be around with his kids. And I’m pretty sure he would know that.

@SmallFerret hit the nail on the head!

I think the angle some of you is missing is that the ex here, and in many cases, is often willing to take things much further than the other parent.

I know my ex will do anything to get what she wants, even if it means hurting the kids in the process. I’ve had plenty of times when I’ve had to back down with mine (not over new partner luckily) just because I can see how it’s hurting the kids and I’m not prepared to put them through it. It’s not always as clear cut as @SmallFerret says and it’s not about being a wimp etc.

Saying that, I’ve got a court date to try and sort it in a few weeks!!