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Relationships

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Original poster

Lied to me about STI tests

49 replies

Fuming1064 · 25/04/2023 09:30

Longtime MNer but NC for this one.

I'm gutted- I found out last night that the guy I've been 'seeing' for the past year lied to me about getting an STI test at the start of our relationship.

We were friends first, and before we started sleeping together unprotected, both confirmed we'd had clear STI tests. I've been responsible for contraception during that time (injection) but we wanted to be able to enjoy increased intimacy of being condom-free in a long term relationship.

He said something last night that seemed off, and when I pulled on the thread it turns out he never got tested, never has been. I thought I'd done everything right, and I trusted him. I'm gutted, and he's making out it was just some misunderstanding.

Am I being unreasonable to be furious? I feel like he's shattered my trust and potentially exposed me to allsorts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuming1064 · 25/04/2023 09:31

I should probably add, I will of course be getting myself tested again as soon as humanly possible!!!!

OP posts:

Ramunea · 25/04/2023 09:33

I would never trust if someone just told me they were all clear. I would need to see evidence of that.

better yet; I would suggest we go together so I’m sure it’s been done.

Do you think someone with HIV or Gonorrhoea would tell you they had it if it meant you would avoid sleeping with them?

Fuzzyblank · 25/04/2023 09:35

What a horrible human being. i know you can see a doctor, but you can also order home testing kits from Lloyds pharmacy. I’ve used them during covid (I am single and tend to test every 6 months for my own peace of mind regardless what men say) and it’s a lot easier than arranging doctors appts etc.

interedin · 25/04/2023 09:35

I agree with PP, I would want to see the physical proof. I wont take anyone's word for it.

Ramunea · 25/04/2023 09:36

Why would you act so impulsively based off of someone’s word?

He was wrong but you were naive.

Original poster

Fuming1064 · 25/04/2023 10:44

I was naive. Which is probably why I'm so angry with myself. He told me he'd received a text message, we were already in a trusting relationship so it didnt even cross my mind to ask him to hand over his phone.

The conversation only came up because I said I'd be going for a test (as it had been 1 year since the last).

I don't want to be with man who would put me at risk like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuming1064 · 25/04/2023 10:45

*sorry, to clarify, by text message I mean a text apparently confirming his 'results' were negative.

OP posts:

Tealsofa · 25/04/2023 10:46

guess you're single now then?

Ramunea · 25/04/2023 10:47

Mistakes happen and nobody is infallible but please let this be a lesson learned.

I don’t take anybody’s word for it when it comes to my health. When I’m ready to take that risk; I make it clear we would have to go to the clinic together and both get tested. I need to see PROOF of the result otherwise; no glove - no love.

Doggymummar · 25/04/2023 10:47

A text us usually how the clinic communicate p, did he bare face lie to you?

Original poster

Fuming1064 · 25/04/2023 10:51

@Doggymummar yes the clinic here sends a text to confirm negative results, they tell you they'll ring you if there's a problem.

So he won't have received a text, because he never had the test.

OP posts:

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 10:52

Have you asked him why he lied rather than just getting a test? I'm assuming he'll say some nonsense about being scared.

But this is a massive breach of trust.

Original poster

Fuming1064 · 25/04/2023 11:04

@GoodChat he claimed ignorance and said that sex education wasn't great in his school when he was growing up, and that he believed a (unrelated) blood test he'd had around that time would have done flagged up any issues.

So on that basis he's saying it's just a misunderstanding. Think that's where it's twisting my head a bit.

OP posts:

tribpot · 25/04/2023 11:24

But that's not what he said at the time, is it? "I had an unrelated blood test but that would have flagged any issues, so I'm all good". He told you he'd had STI tests done and they were negative? He lied on purpose, presumably to avoid going and being swabbed.

Is he offering to go and have them done for realsies now?

Roundandnour · 25/04/2023 11:34

Last person who tried blaming lack of education was told stupidity isn’t a good enough reason considering we now have the internet.

I also suggest we go together since results are texted as they can be faked. Have seen a few as for some reason stupid people think I support unsafe sex, and ask if it will fool their partner. (Goes over peoples head probably quicker to get a test that fake the results).

learn and move on. Personally the relationship would be over because the trust is gone. If he can lie so easily about putting another persons health at risk what else could he lie about.

HelenaHandcart · 25/04/2023 11:55

He still figured out how to have sex, despite the supposed lack of sex education!

Opentooffers · 25/04/2023 12:20

If you've been with him a year without symptoms it's unlikely he's given you anything. Fact is, you are going about things in the right way. Unfortunately, reality is that most people (especially men, who have less chance of losing fertility and a lower chance of catching stuff by luck of their anatomy) still see a stigma attached to it and are less mature. They think if they get spotted by someone they know going into a GUM clinic, it will infer something about them, or that even taking a home test is a worry and means they might have to face a positive test result, or that infers something about their lifestyle too.
All stupid attitudes, but they exist actually in the majority I'd say, so you are going to come across this more often than not on average realistically.
He can make his apology more sincere now by going to a clinic with you. If he agrees to that, I'd be inclined to let him off. You'd be doing yourself and womankind a favour if you manage to encourage him to grow up and remove the taboo he has around it.

ChrisTrepidation · 25/04/2023 19:47

Men have been lying to get laid since the dawn of time.

Consider this a lesson learned and never take a man's word for it on this subject again.

Oh and never speak to this one again. Obviously.

Ilovelurchers · 25/04/2023 20:12

Going against the grain, I don't think it's at all surprising that you took his word for it. You presumably took his word every time he drove you that he wasn't drunk or high - you didn't brethalise and blood test him. You took his word that he wouldn't club you to death while you were sleeping, etc etc....

My examples are exaggerated, but only slightly. I actually remember, when my now husband and I discussed sex before sleeping together for the first time (I had the coil; we decided against condoms as had both had STI tests), he offered to show me the results of his test if I wanted but I was surprised by this and I said, it's fine, I trust you not to put my life at risk in a variety of ways and this is just one of them! I may be woefully naive too, of course - I probably am in many ways.....

But really, lying about an STI test is seriously bad shit - it's quite normal not to expect someone to do it!

Really sorry, you must be very shocked and upset.....

OneMoreCookieMonster · 25/04/2023 20:44

Personally, that would be the end of the relationship for me.

It's a lie that has potentially life changing consequences. This could have resulted in recurrent flare ups, fertility issues, pregnancy complications, potential foetal harm/illness, serious self esteem issues along with long term trust issues surrounding future partners and sex.

Being ignorant in this area is not an excuse it's gross negligence. He's a grown man and is aware that std testing is something that should be carried out for his own health and the health of his partner. And, no I don't think I'm over reacting. I'd be furious.

In my opinion this should be viewed at as seriously as stealthing.

Get tested and dump this dangerous excuse for a human being.

frozendaisy · 25/04/2023 20:45

He thought an unrelated blood test would report any issues?

Just for this he would be too dumb to continue a relationship with.

Yes his school might have been rubbish but there are fucking thousands of pages on the internet FFS. Just the basic NHS website would have told him all he needed to know.

Yep too dumb.
Too happy to blame you, school, anyone but himself.

Hope your new tests still clear OP. Although if not you know the source.

BrimFullOfAsher · 25/04/2023 20:59

I'm not usually one to jump to LTB, but this is a huge betrayal of trust and I'm not sure I could move past it.

What's worse is he's still lying to you too! He claims he thought it would be picked up on an unrelated blood test yet also claims categorically that he had a SMS advising his STI check was negative? Don't let him fob you off even more OP

BCBird · 25/04/2023 21:00

If my partner told me he had a test,I would believe them.too. I.am.sorry.u.have been.lied to
I would not be able to.trust anyone again.who had done that.

Zanatdy · 25/04/2023 21:15

I would believe it too as I wouldn’t ask a partner to show me the evidence. I guess if this is the only issue and everything is great I’d probably let it go (after he’s tested!)

gerbilcrocus · 25/04/2023 21:16

Ramunea · 25/04/2023 10:47

Mistakes happen and nobody is infallible but please let this be a lesson learned.

I disagree with this. If you're so mistrusting of a man that you can't trust him when he says he has had a negative STI test, then you shouldn't be trusting him enough to have unprotected sex with him.

If your trust levels are so low that you think your man would betray your trust over something as important as this, you would be very naive to believe he wouldn't then betray your trust once you've been tested.

OP, you've not been naive... Ironically, I believe the posters who've said you've been naive are themselves being naive, and frankly rather stupid, for thinking they can trust a man to have unprotected sex with them when they don't even trust him not to lie about his STI results.

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