Lied to me about STI tests

[Fuming1064]

Longtime MNer but NC for this one.

I'm gutted- I found out last night that the guy I've been 'seeing' for the past year lied to me about getting an STI test at the start of our relationship.

We were friends first, and before we started sleeping together unprotected, both confirmed we'd had clear STI tests. I've been responsible for contraception during that time (injection) but we wanted to be able to enjoy increased intimacy of being condom-free in a long term relationship.

He said something last night that seemed off, and when I pulled on the thread it turns out he never got tested, never has been. I thought I'd done everything right, and I trusted him. I'm gutted, and he's making out it was just some misunderstanding.

Am I being unreasonable to be furious? I feel like he's shattered my trust and potentially exposed me to allsorts.

I couldn't move past this, especially the feeble excuses now he's been found out.

He's be very quickly dumped.

Well done - get rid of him and definitely get tested again. Nothing worse than this kind of trust being broken. Sorry your going through this.

That's so upsetting and disappointing.

Unfortunately he is uttter scum OP.

No coming back from it.

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

Don't fall for it.

Lying scum.

So sorry.

He's being deliberately obtuse and playing the idiot. When someone has a blood test, they tell you why they're taking blood. Also, STI tests on men include a swabbing the tip of a man's penis, so his mention of just a blood test reveals his lie anyway.

This would be a total relationship ender for me. The trust has gone. I would also be questioning if he's told other lies.

I disagree with that.

It’s nothing to do with mistrusting men. When it comes to your personal health and essentially putting your life in danger; you take every measure you can to protect that.

Another point also being people who have previously caught STI’s before; a lot of times have caught them by trusting their partner.
I don’t know anyone personally to have caught an STI based on their sexual partner telling them ‘I have gonorrhoea’ or ‘I have chlamydia’ - so my point is absolutely valid.

People lie; hence why it’s important to never full trust someone’s word when it comes to things like this. Get proof and be sure.

I'd dump him. He lied to you about something that is hugely serious and could affect your health. What scum.

The recurring problem now will be not trusting anything he says.

Blokes like this are so fucking tedious.

@Ramunea

It’s nothing to do with mistrusting men. When it comes to your personal health and essentially putting your life in danger; you take every measure you can to protect that.

By that logic you should use never, ever stop using condoms! A man who might lie about a STI test may equally lie about being faithful after the test.

@Ramunea

It’s nothing to do with mistrusting men.

Well, you mistrust them with something as basic as truthfully reporting an STI test, so you making absolutely no sense here by saying this is nothing to do with mistrusting men (quite possibly for good reason). Of course it is... You're trying to argue black is white and up is down and I'm really not sure why.

If that’s how you see it then do just that.

Or do as most people do and actually see evidence (which was clearly my original point being made) that this is actually the case 🙄

I think it depends on how much you believe that he genuinely didn't understand or how much he lied. If you think he actively lied to avoid getting a test done then I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. If you think he genuinely didn't unfortunately then I'd be going with him to an appointment and wanting to see the results and making it really exceptionally clear that he's breached your trust and it cannot happen again. I'd also make him aware that women are less likely to have symptoms than men so the chances of your fertility etc being affected without you knowing are much higher so that is massively unacceptable behaviour. Lesson learnt on the needing to see results in future but I can see why you accepted his word because you trusted him which is what is meant to happen in a healthy relationship. They just aren't meant to let that trust down.

I’m not going to debate about this as clearly some posters have way too much time on their hands and feel the need to try and nitpick the valid points being made.

My advice to the OP is valid and clear. Take what you want from it and if you want to continue to keep your head in the clouds then do just so.

If you feel so trusting that a man can tell you ‘I’m all clear’ and you believe it without questions or evidence then you do you.

Balls did he not understand. unless he’s got an intellectual disability, he’s bullshitting. That would be a nailed on dumping a fence in my book. Basically, he’s getting sex by deception. The terms under which you agreed to have sex with him unprotected were that he’d had a clear STI test. He hadn’t, he lied, so he deceived you. Isn’t gaining sex by deception is a criminal offense. I’m not suggesting you report him to the police, obviously, because that would be a total waste of time, but you see how serious it is.

That’s just not realistic or normal tbh.

OP, I would have trusted him too. Of course you are not responsible & I hope you end this relationship. He has purposely lied & put you at risk.

This isn't nitpicking... If you distrust your man so profoundly that you feel the need to accompany him to the STI clinic, what happens a week later when he goes out for an evening with his friends, or goes away for a night with his work? Why would you suddenly trust your man then? And if you wouldn't, why would you have unprotected sex with him? Surely you can see the inconsistency here...

As someone who contracted HIV in a new relationshop post divorce, a few comments...

We are each of us responsible for our own sexual health
When planning to have sex, especially condomless, STI testing history is important, including the window period where a recent infection might not show up in results.
Trust is important, however some people lie and at the beginning when we might not know our partners that well, they can be very plausible.
Some people feel they're not at risk of STIs so think they don't need to test.
Postal testing is really easy nowadays - and free. Best way would be this route, test together at home and share the texted results. This, at least initially, gives reassurance on both sides.
We can live with someone who unknowingly has an STI for a long time and might not contract it from them.

Would I want to see my partner's results? Absolutely - just as I would share mine. I know that as my HIV is treated I can't pass it on, however I'm also aware that syphilis and gonorrhoea is on the rise in women.

A guy I knew honestly believed that everyone would be fine as long as he pulled out. The stupidity of people astounds me, and the females believed this. He came with me the next time I tested. His results were the slap in the face and wake up call he needed. He was also one of the daft fuckers who believed he was fine because he didn’t have symptoms.

Even though I practice safe sex I still test because there’s that window where things don’t show up. Plus condoms can break. Hence it’s advisable to test every 3 months. A year without symptoms means nothing.

Im sorry @HIVpos that you now have to take life long meds. Also thankful that these meds are now available. Lost a few friends to AIDS, it’s a wicked disease. Hopefully you have reasonable people in your life that still don’t have backward ideas about it.

Aaaw, he doesn't understand what STI tests are because his school sex ed was poor? And throughout his adult life, no new information came to hand?

Don't let this utter bullshit twist your head.
He KNEW you had a separate STI text, he lied that he had one too, & now you have discovered the lie, he is fudging.

You said upthread you don't want to be with a man who would lie & treat you so poorly. So don't be! This is not your fault - it's all his, & you don't need to spend a moment worrying about his feelings, his justifications, or ... him.

Of course it's going to be painful, because you'll need to grieve for the relationship you thought you were building & the future you'd hoped for with him. But he;s not the man you thought he was. if he can lie about this, he can lie about anything.

Even the fact that he reckons you are so dim/credulous you will accept his bullshit is insulting. Let alone risking your sexual health & lying to you about why he did it. Pathetic. He's not good enough for you - ditch without mercy.

You appear to be seriously maintaining that trust somehow makes the other party trustworthy.

Given that most folk have sex before they know enough about the other person to be able to trust them, your approach isn't just illogical, it's dangerous.

A trustworthy person would want to show you proof. They would understand that trust is earned, not granted, & they'd be expecting the same back from you.

genuinely didn't understand 😂😂😂

Come off it. Any man who needs a women to educate him about the consequences of STI's is a man who women should not be shagging. Being selective about men's feigned ignorance is a highly effective contraceptive.

No blame to OP here btw - this is entirely in reference to the suggestion that men need sexual health matters spelled out to them by women. It's from the same school of thought that believes men need to be taught how to wield a hoover or washing up brush. As soon as you start pandering to their weaponised incompetence, you are backing a loser.

He’s a liar, so you’ll never be able to trust him.

@Fuming1064

I don't want to be with man who would put me at risk like that.

I hope you've sent him on his way OP. You can never trust a liar - and he's effectively lied to you every day since he said he'd tested clear. 🌹

Big thing to lie about and possibly had put you at risk. I wouldn't be staying no respect for you