My life is ruined and destroyed by ex friend and ex partner

[Helplessness89]

Hi everyone I’m in a really tough situation at the moment. Honestly the thing is in 2018 I was hacked by an ex friend and ex partner and they spread some awful rumours about me ( they stopped end of 2019) and it was the worst time of my life ( I tried committing suicide then but I survived)…Cutting the story short I got healed and better and got a really good job and they have just started again. Honestly I don’t understand this, why would they start again after five years ( my ex apologied in 2019 for spreading rumours about me and I chose to forgive him and let everything go and also me and my ex friend and i were cool ( he even owes me over 2 grand that I gave him to get his legal stay in the country)… Honestly, I try to be a good person but I just feel helpless at the moment because I feel like no matter what I do it’s never enough and there is always someone trying to destroy me. I feel like life has been so unkind to me and honestly I feel like I just want to end it. These rumours have reached my workplace and I don’t know where to go from here, I just feel distraught and I feel like I’m having a mental breakdown ( I can’t even sleep) ….. I just can’t live a normal life and why do people have to be horrible ….. life is just so hard for me at the moment. It took a lot for me to heal from what happened before and it’s happening again … I feel so lost and this is the darkest time of my life … Any advice on how deal with the situation? ( I already reported this situation to the police when they did this years ago but they only got a caution and were told not to contact me ever again but the root problem wasn’t solved. And also I have attached the WhatsApp message I sent to him (my ex friend ) when I found he had started hacking me again… I really want this to stop all this as this is really affecting my mental health.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Have you reported them to the police? I would block them where possible, change passwords and perhaps a end a brief message to colleagues saying you have been hacked and to ignore any messages/info they receive. I would not communicate with either of these people again ever.

Hello, I can't sleep either, but not for the same reason. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and to happen twice is horrific. First thing to o tomorrow/today is to contact the police again, is there is a corresponding case, even from 5 years ago then this will be flagged and they can deal with it.
Then copy all info you need and put it in a computer file somewhere and delete off of your phone. Do not engage with either of these people, block delete etc off of all social media platforms, they are not worth your time. Then change all your settings to private so they cannot see anything of yours.
Next, go to HR at work, make an actual appointment, and explain the situation, tell them the background and that it is happening again but that you have contacted the police. Explain that you are struggling but that you love your job and you are taking every step to sort this out.

Then, try to put it to the back of your mind and ignore ignore ignore. They can only get to you if you let them in. Remember that they are sad little men that have no space in your life, and every time you start thinking about it you have to consciously think 'no thank you I'm not giving you my head space!'

You are a kind and decent human being who deserves to be happy, tell yourself that you are strong nd independent and ignore!

Good luck, you can do this 💪 xx

Please go to the police.

also tackle it head on with the rumor spreading. Formulate a line like “You are a gobshite listening to nonsense and spreading lies about me. The source of those lies has a police caution from the first time, and is now going on the way to have a conviction for harassment. Don’t talk about me.”

If they got cautioned previously report them to the police again.

Change all your passwords and block them everywhere.

I'm not sure if I understood your post correctly but people who do these kinds of things need to be permanently blocked out of every aspect of your life. They cannot ever be trusted and things will never be cool. Write the debt off.

Absolutely talk to your manager or HR at work and to the police.

Check all your devices, social media etc and take yourself off everything if necessary.

1. Go to the police, explain the history.
2. Go to HR drpartment and your line manager, explain the history. See what they can do to help, I had a colleague who had a vicious ex that would stalk her, turn up at her workplace and be a nuisance work was super helpful.
3. Go to the GP, explain the history and its toll on you.
4. Block them both from everything. Adopt a new last name so that they can't find you and change profile pictures to something anonymous. Did you lend someone £££ after the last harassment? These people are not your friend they probably want more cash out of you. You can't fix this relationship you need to go completely non contact with them.

Hi Op

I immediately thought your so called friend, Obviously ex friend,

Is clearly jealous of how well, good you are getting on in your life,

This person ex friend is proberly extremely Needy , has attachment emotional issues, and has unhealthy boundaries issues, abd a serious severe Personality disorder or multiple disorders issues,

You really Need to focus on setting up really strong healthy boundaries to protect yourself from this person and anybody else who has a tendency to be similar or like this type of ex friend,

Also seek Therepy to explore and help to start healing process of why you were first in first place acctracted to this toxic dynamic friendship,

I think there is something in your past that has made you feel emotionally vulnerable,

Could even go back to Adverse shitty childhood experiences too, !

That has made you feel so vunerable that you attracted a extremely emotionally abusive person as this, unfortunately. !

Who is like a Predatory 🦈 Shark, sensing your emphatic senistive far too trusting nature of yours @Helplessness89

,

You are not Helplessness, like your mumsnet thread says,

You just need lots of good therapy , it could be counselling and other various different therapies out there too,
You Need,

Seek whatever is effective ,beneficial for yourself,
Counselling can be free, but there is a waiting list,
I think you definitely have Complex Post Stress disorder syndrome

You Need to see a really good expert in this field of therapy who just knows what they are talking about..
And just gets you, as in just totally understands why you feel and act the way you do, Cause of all the Crap traumas in life you have been through

Also spend time focusing on yourself such as being in nature in all kinds of way, being by the sea , countryside will work wonders for you too

Also I know it's a cliche but try various different Holistic therapies , even healthspa as if you feel better, it will make you stay stronger 💪

Don't let that Bastard ex so friend get you down ever again..

They are not worth it

Also surround yourself with good people in your life good quality friendships ect

Yes. I definitely agree contact the police with the offensive email /text messages sent from.Arsehole ex friend

As evidencd proof that they are starting up their bitter vendatta towards you again...

I’m listening, I can’t add to the excellent advice already given except to say take back control and put into motion the steps pp have outlined.
I wouldn’t reply to any more texts but if you block them you shouldn’t receive them.
Stay strong OP.

I thought I should add more information here - The main rumour is that I accused my (ex friend of rape) something which I never did and I have told him in 2018 countless times and up till now he is staining my name with the false rape accusations …he told me that my ex told him that (something my ex denied)…. The other rumours are that I have HPV (which is not true) and it was my ex who was spreading these rumours because I found out that he was gay) Apparently my ex also told my ex friend that I used to beg him for sex( which is not true) this is extremely embarrassing and humiliating for me and now this is all over my workplace and also one more thing my what’s app is also hacked so there is nothing I can literally do about it. They did it before and I changed my phones about five times and they never stopped until 2019. My ex friend ( who has been spreading rumours about me ) his wife called me using a private number yesterday and she denied him hacking me again ( years ago she told me it was my ex doing it and my ex said it was my ex friend doing it ( they were all blaming each other ) anyway I told her that someone at work pulled me aside ( which is true) and they asked me if I had accused someone of rape before and I denied this ( because I never did) and I told her that it’s only him that had made these terrible false accusations against me and she went silent for a while and also one of my close friend told me that it’s HIM ( my ex friend that’s doing this again) and I do know that it’s him…. Honestly his wife was asking for us to meet up and make up ( hell to the no!!!) I do not want to make up with this man as he has done nothing but terrorised me over something I never said (rape) … it’s quite disturbing to me how far he has gone to try and ruin me honestly…. And yeah he owe me 2 grand that I have him to get a legal stay in the UK and i went as far as writing letters to the home office so that he could get his papers and now he has his papers and he hasn’t paid me back my money and he is still mentally abusing me !! (Nah) I can only take so much from this…. I had blocked him before but honestly I sent him that message because I just couldn’t understand why someone I had done so much for will try and continue to try and destroy my life when his own family couldn’t even help him before!! . There are also some stuff that my ex put me through that I wouldn’t want the world to know but now everyone at work knows about it ( there are just some experiences in life that you can go through and that you wish no other people would find out about ) I’m still very sad and mentally drained … I feel life these rumours will always follow me everywhere now wherever I go …. ( it took a while for me to get where iam now but I’m back to square number one ) how can I even go back to work with everything that’s going on ( it’s been a lot) .. I feel like I’m living a nightmare and I’m just exhausted ( I even asked for a week break from work because this got all too much for me)….The most weird thing is he (my ex friend) asked me to sleep with him years ago but I rejected him ( but he is married now with a child and also I’m the godmother of his daughter)… Honestly I thought he had really changed and he was telling me how him and his wife are grateful for me because I changed their life (he can work now and travel since he got his legal stay in the UK) he couldn’t do anything for over 10 years because of his situation ( so I don’t understand why someone that I did so much for would hurt me like this). He also told people that me and him had slept together ( which is not true) and I have the evidence of it all on my phone. The thing is he hacked my phone so he is contacting my contacts and I had a lot of people from work saved in my phone that’s why I’m feeling this down.

I'm sorry they're at it again. WTF?!

You feel awful because what they're doing is awful and it leaves you in a feeling of powerlessness and violation. My very close friend was hacked multiple times by her ex during their divorce - all our conversations were listened to and all emails and WhatsApp messages were read. I was also going through a tough time and so in listening/reading her accounts he heard very intimate details of my life too. The feeling violation is sickening.

The good news is you're not powerless, but you need to find the energy to be smart.

Delete nothing.
Go to the police.
Speak to HR and say you've been to the police.
Don't tell the hackers you've been to the police.

You don't say what they've hacked. Whatsapp, gmail/email, Insta, Facebook, Twitter, your phone, your computer? It makes a difference as to what to do next. You don't want to download things on your computer, if they're monitoring that, for example. If you let us know, perhaps we can help offer a route out.

There are ways you can get away from them online forever. It's not fair that this happened once, never mind a second time. But please don't allow these fuckers to hack your mind as well. They don't deserve a place there. You're worth a million of them.

It may come under "cyber stalking". Have a look here www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sh/stalking-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/ BUT if you think your phone and/or computer is compromised then don't look on those devices.

OK, so send a 'send to all' message on WhatsApp and other messaging services stating that your phone has been hacked, police are involved and can they delete / block your number from their phone and you will be in touch when you have a new number.

Unless you are expecting urgent calls from numbers you don't already have (hospital etc) then do not answer the phone to an unrecognised number.

If you have picked up the call and it is someone connected to them hang up immediately.

If the phone ringing bothers you then a lot of phones have the option that unknown numbers come through as silent. If it's important or someone you know they will try again/ leave voicemail/text.

Be very selective about who has your new number. Be very clear to people when you give out your number that they are not to share it now or in the future.

Cross post.

Have you been to the police this time? It's worth doing that. This is very serious.

I see you've been through multiple phones already before - did you also change SIM cards/phone numbers? I think you need to contact all your contacts and tell them you've been hacked and the hacker is sending malicious rumours and the police are involved. They should block this number.

You need a new phone and new phone number, all new social media accounts that do not use your name and are activated by an email address that does not contain your name. Ideally each social media account uses a different email address, but that can get complicated - does make it harder to hack though if someone hacks your email. Write these account names and any new email address down on a notebook at home (I bought a little locking metal box to store mine in - can't hack that - and have it in an unlikely hiding place so unlikely to be stolen either!). I now use protonmail for sensitive emails as it's harder to hack.

ONLY the new accounts are used on the new phone.

Ideally download your contacts, delete all of the hackers' contact info (and any mutual friends, their partners, relatives etc ) then upload the contact list to the new phone- to be certain none of them get notified about new WhatsApp account. Keep the old accounts for now - they're already compromised anyway, but be very strict about not opening them on the new device. Any mutual friends are also only contacted on the old phone and give them no details of new accounts, including that you even have any. Any of these mutual friends (hopefully there aren't any/many) need to decide where their loyalties lie. It's a rare case of they're either with you 100% or against you. Give yourself time to figure it out. Be ready to cut people out: nobody can sit on the fence with something like this being done to their friend. Nobody who wants to remain friends or in contact with you and the hackers is worth your time or energy.

It's not fair that this is happening. It's going to take more of your time and money. It's already cost you a lot. There are things you can do though, so don't give up.

Please, as a priority though, go to the police. Bring any evidence you have with you. Screenshot everything.

And try to hold your head high. You've done nothing wrong. Someone is committing an attack against you. You're a victim here. This isn't your fault. There will be people who don't understand and people who even might believe the rumours. But there will be others appalled by what they're doing to you. Those are the people you need to pay attention to. Nobody who engages with the hackers' bullshit is worth your time, energy or anything else: they're participating in abuse. That says faaaaar more about them than you. I know that doesn't stop it hurting though.

What a twat.
OP, a lot of people, especially women, will be hearing what he says and thinking he’s full of shit. Many women are well aware that rape convictions are extremely difficult to get, but rape, especially date rape/coerced sex (rape) within a relationship are extremely common but very hard to prove. Every woman (+transman/nonbinary female) who has smear tests knows that HPV is extremely common -something like 80% of people contract it at some point in their life. And if you did have it - odds on he would have contacted it to.
So a good percentage of people hearing him slandering you will be thinking, he potentially sexually coerced you within the relationship and then freaked when you later told him that’s actually rape, and that a man going around telling people a former partner had HPV like it’s something others are supposed to care about has no clue about sexual health.
He’s a twat. And he’s showing everyone he’s a twat, even if they don’t realise he’s lying through his teeth.

How are they repeatedly hacking your WhatsApp?

Enable 2 step verification using a PI.n that they won't know, so literally a random number not a date or combination of house numbers or anything they could guess

faq.whatsapp.com/1278661612895630/?locale=en_US

He is expecting you to be terrified and run away.

Go to the police with as much evidence of a pattern of harrassment as you can
Go to a solicitor’s and get a cease and desist letter sent
Go to small claims court and get your £2000 back
Go to HR and explain that you are the victim of harrassment and that the police are involved.

This is male violence in another form but using your shame and humiliation to torture you

@Helplessness89 how exactly did he hack your phone? This surely is a criminal offence in its own right?

Just from the other perspective- I had someone try to spread malicious rumours to me about a friend if mine. I didn’t know them and they just seemed like a desperate beg. I told them where to go and ignored the rumours.

They had those shifty eyes you always see on dodgy people who are lying badly

OP, you have got caught in a whirlwind.

it might help if you stop using the word “rumours” and start using the word “lies”. These people are spreading lies about you.

The course of action is:

1. Police - you are the victim of a crime.
2. HR to absolutely come down like a ton of bricks on anyone that spreads the lies. You are the victim of a crime, and the perpetrators are trying to make out it’s your fault.

The people doing this are evil, and were never your friend.

How are they repeatedly hacking your what'sapp account?
You need to go back to the police if this is happening again?

Hi OP, sending a big hug.

Go to the police. There is a specific law about telecommunications.

Speak to your colleagues in HR so they are aware of what happened. Don't hold anything back inc the attempted suicide so they understand the gravity of what you went through.

Can your IT colleagues help you get him off your phone? Do not add his your ex or his wife's number to your phone, block them on every app you have. Report him to WhatsApp.

If you can, post a message saying you've been hacked on all your message boards so people know. State who the hacker is by name. Say you'll be back once you've exsponged him.

Ask you mobile phone contract provider to issue a new mobile number to you. Use a different phone if you have one or can borrow one to text people your new number.

Cut these cretins out of your life. You don't need millstones around your neck.

Your £2k has gone, put that loss down to experience and move on OP.

You can do this,

Good luck x

BTW, I know female rapists are possible, but seriously just how likely is tgat? If someone told me a female I knew was a rapist I'd def query it. I wouldn't automatically believe it.

Your life isn't ruined. You have a house, a job, you are warm and dry and fed. You can choose how much headspace you give this.

They can say what they like to who they like. If anything gets back to you, you roll your eyes and say 'Oh, for god's sake, this is like school! Take no notice of him/her.' and that's it.

Are you worried you'll get the sack or lose your home due to someone saying you made a false sexual allegation? It's really unlikely, and your employer would be taking a huge risk with their business. Are you worried you'll lose friends? They're not friends worth having if they'll drop you because of rumours.

What else are you worried that you might lose? Whether you lose your mental health or not is up to you; you need to decide how to deal with this in a way that will make you feel better.

You're being bullied, but this isn't school, and you don't have to behave like it is. You've essentially got a pair of 6 year old saying '@Helplessness89 has got a big bum!!!', and you're allowing yourself to feel that your life is ruined.

These people have no power. Their words are just noises coming out of their faces. Their messages are just squiggles on a screen. Take a record of all you have, and report them to the authorities. Get a new phone and let all your contacts know your new number. Tell them you've been hacked, and not to give your number to anybody.

And then, move on. Stop filling your head. These people are nowhere to you right now except going round and round inside your head. You can't see them or hear them, except inside your head. That's under your control, not theirs.

Any one at work (and see HR about this) just needs the following sentence;

"Thank you for speaking to me, I shall need you to make a police statement to the effect of who spoke to you about this and what they said. I have an open case of stalking and harassment which has been ongoing for over 5 years and hopefully this time they will be jailed"