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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Life spiralling out of control - HELP

37 replies

scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:01

Bit of a long story but short version is my dh had an affair just over 2 years ago. It absolutely devestated me but I'm a fighter so I decided to try and make things work and for around 18months did everything I could to get things back on track. I used to be a very outgoing person but my self esteem dropped to all time lows. By going back to work (was off for 3 years having my two kids), it's given me some self confidence but feel that as he was the guilty party, he's hardly made any effort. He showed little remorse over the affair and the only time he has cried about it was when he got upset about what my friends thought of him. He's never been great at showing his feelings (typical man some might say) but in this instance I thought the least he could do was open up to me and start talking to me. I have tried everything to make this marriage work but now am so tired - I don't know if i have any energy left in me to put into this marriage. I come from a broken home (a complicated one but I guess they all are) and the last thing I wanted was to split up our family. Even though our relationship is bad, he is a great dad and the thought of splitting him up from his kids makes me feel so guilty but I'm so unhappy and am too young to spend my life like this. On top of all this I have a demanding job which means I travel a lot and I have no time to myself. My stress levels are reaching immense proportions, my head's spinning and I don't know what to do next. Feel so bad at the thought of splitting up the family but then he should have thought about that two years ago. Then I get confused and think should I give it one last go, or is it just that I'm in a comfort zone I don't want to give up? Don't know where to turn.......

OP posts:

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winterwarmmummer · 08/12/2004 22:04

I am so sorry - it sounds like hell.

Is there any way that you two can spend any time together to try and sort it out?

bonniej · 08/12/2004 22:04

don't have any great advice but there's lots who do.

From what I've read it seems you have done everything to try and make this marriage work. You can only do so much but then have to start thinking of yourself. Your dh can still see the children but you deserve to be happy. You only get one go at life.

spacedonkey · 08/12/2004 22:06

I know this is probably stating the obvious, but have you thought about going to relate?

scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:08

Have talked to him on several occasions to try to tell him how unhappy I am. He replies by saying "I don't want to lose you" but then wakes up the next morning and pretends everything is ok and doesn't say a word about it. How often does it have to me that forces the issue. Surely if he loved me he would try everything to make it work?

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tammyBEARinggifts · 08/12/2004 22:08

Hi scottiegirl, sending you lots of ((hugs)) Have you thought of counselling for the both of you? Maybe this will help you realise whether you want to make your marriage work or not. Does your dh realise that you still find it hard? Have you talked about how you feel?

I was with exp because I didnt want to be a single mum and didnt want to split up the family as like you i grew up with a complicated family. But I had to think of myself, as I knew if I wasnt happy then dd wouldnt be. And like bonniej says, your children will still see him if you do decide you've had enough.

((hugs)) xxx

winterwarmmummer · 08/12/2004 22:08

Would you give him an ultimatum?

scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:09

When he had the affair I asked him to go to Relate. We went twice. Then HE decided that that was enough and we were talking fine thank you very much.

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tammyBEARinggifts · 08/12/2004 22:10

You could go to Relate on your own, if you think it'll help, even if it's just to talk to someone about how you feel so you're a little clearer in your mind?

spacedonkey · 08/12/2004 22:11

Frankly he isn't taking responsibility for the harm he has done to your relationship and I feel quite angry on your behalf about that. Perhaps you have been too kind to him - you must feel very angry with him underneath. His behaviour is irresponsible and selfish.

scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:12

Hey TammyB

Yes, talked several times to him about how I was feeling but it's almost like he thinks "Right I'll let her have a good old whinge then she'll be fine and forget about it in the morning". So are you now on your own?

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tiptop · 08/12/2004 22:13

scottiegirl - I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sure that someone will be along with some very good advice any second. In the meantime, fwiw, I think you need to give yourself some time out. By that, I mean that for the next month, say, you put all thoughts of splitting up out of your mind. It'll help you to see more clearly what your relationship is really like. In a way, I think you need to try to look in from the outside and make an assessment of the dynamics of your relationship with dh. Of course, there's always Relate, but it doesn't sound as if your dh would be keen on that idea. Has that been discussed at all? Can you change your work load at all? Do you have a close friend you can confide in? Someone who'd be there to comfort you and listen? Hth a bit.

tammyBEARinggifts · 08/12/2004 22:14

agree with spacedonkey. i know typically men find it hard to express their feelings, and my dp doesnt know how to be sorry when he's suppose to be, but your dh has done something terrible and doesn't seem too bothered

Im not on my own anymore, Im with dp, who Ive been with for over a year now. We're very happy although it can be hard at times, especially at the beginning

AtHomeMum · 08/12/2004 22:14

Could you write to him, explaining how serious things are and what you want him to do? IMO men often don't really take talk seriously & if things are plodding along they think everything is OK. If he really understood that you were seriously thinking about splitting he may be more inclined to take you seriously. (sorry too many seriouslys).
Also if you write things down I find you really pinpoint the current problem & what you want to change. Are you still resenting his affair or is it something he is doing now? What do you need hime to change. Spell it out to him exactly - they cannot "read between the lines".
Good luck.

scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:16

Hey spacedonkey, you know, you are right. When he admitted to the affair (I know it's 2 years ago and some might say get over it by now or get out) he was so cold. Laid a lot of the blame at my feet. I was at home with two children under 3. I know you all know how difficult that can be. He felt I didn't give him enough attention (amongst other things). I honestly feel that he does not realise the significance of what he's done...

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spacedonkey · 08/12/2004 22:16

scottiegirl, I think you should put your foot down with him and tell him that you are not prepared to be treated in this manner - of course all you have been trying to do is the best for your family, but your dh is walking all over you like a doormat and it's up to you to make it clear to him that this is not an acceptable way to behave towards someone he supposedly loves.

spacedonkey · 08/12/2004 22:18

I'm not criticising you scottiegirl, sorry if it sounds that way, it's just that my blood is boiling on your behalf ... god knows how angry you must feel!

tammyBEARinggifts · 08/12/2004 22:19

It does sound like he doesnt seem to realise the effect he has caused, and needs a wake up call. Maybe a break from one another can help, just to show him that you are tired of how things are.

scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:24

I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I would cope, emotionally and financially, where I would live etc....I don't think he has any idea that I have these thoughts. Maybe I should give him an ultimatum or maybe it's just too late. Maybe I'm just being a coward and need to finish things. Dreading Christmas...all seems so false. But I will make it special for kids. They mean the most to me. Little rascals!

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spacedonkey · 08/12/2004 22:26

I think at some point you are going to have to tell dh how you feel. At the moment you are carrying the entire weight of the relationship, and doing a demanding job and bringing up your children. No wonder you're stressed. He's not pulling his weight, emotionally anyway. It doesn't mean your marriage is over - if he is willing to take his share of the responsibility in this relationship, there's no reason why your relationship can't be better than ever before with time. But that won't happen if you just leave it

scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:29

Spacedonkey....do you know what...I don't mind you saying that. When all this kicked off, a lot of people said to me that they could not believe I'd reacted the way I did. I was very cool calm and collected. They all expected me to go mad. Bearing in mind I'm a fiesty scots girl...it was definitely NOT me!! But low self esteem does something to you and I've rolled over a bit and alllowed myself to be trodden on. I'm afraid, now, at times I take on the blame for things when they're actually not my fault. I'm not saying I never do things wrong (made plenty of cock ups in the past) but seem too eager to take heat out of a situation by absorbing the blame myself....God i sound like a real wimp.

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spacedonkey · 08/12/2004 22:31

No you don't, you sound like a good woman, a good mother and a loving wife who is trying to keep her family together despite the fact you are getting no proper support from your husband.

tammyBEARinggifts · 08/12/2004 22:33

Scottie, i think you've done so well. Most people's reactions would be to up and leave it, but you wanted to sort it out which I admire so much. Don't think I can do that. But spacedonkey is right, your dh needs to be taking his weight of the relationship off you. You're coping with so much.

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scottiegirl · 08/12/2004 22:37

How often do you try before you give it up? I'm young(ish) aaaahhhh maybe not, at 35!!! and feel like I've got so much life in me to give that's being sucked out by a bad relationship.

Do you know what though, I've logged onto this website a few times, just looking, and I've never quite grasped how supportive chatting to others can be...thank you all....

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tammyBEARinggifts · 08/12/2004 22:39

My moto (sp?) is to never give up unless you know you're fighting a lost battle. It's obvious you love him and want to work this out, you just need to give your dh a really hard shaking to make him see what it is doing to you. Do you think going to Relate on your own will help?

spacedonkey · 08/12/2004 22:41

I agree with Tammy. I don't think you should give up before giving your dh that wake up call - perhaps in the form of an ultimatum if he won't listen and take your feelings seriously.

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