Kids in a new relationship. Help me I’m a man with no exp in children.

[Blondebomb77]

Evening all. I come as a complete newby. Just signed up for some honest impartial advice on how I approach and act on my situation.
I’m 45, male, no kids at all, never really been involved in them and never thought about having them. Was in a relationship with a lady 18years older for 18years. I was 26, she 44. Ended in 2021. No kids involved.
Now with a lovely woman who has 2 children of 12 and 14. Boy n girl.
Been with her for 18months , get on well with her kids.
BUT…
always a but.
They are lazy, very spoilt from mum and dad. Don’t want for anything.
Nice holidays, clothes, if they want it they generally get it.
very alien to me this is, especially with the laziness and constant bad language, no respect to me or mum. Mum bends over backwards for them.
they know this and take a mile from an inch. I love this lady and can see a long future n beyond with her but if this continues then I’m not so sure i can hack it. Should i say something? I have got to say her kids come 1st, not me. Her children over me every time but i cant if all goes to plan in 6months live there in that capacity and let this all go on.
plz help….
bb77. Tyvm.

I think you need to ask if they're genuinely spoilt or is it just adolescent horribleness?

Sometimes it is luck of the draw and even 'good' parents with sensible boundaries can get landed with rude, uncooperative teens if that's how the dice fall.

I wouldn't say anything, but maybe see if there are ways over time you can find to try to get them to make themselves useful to their mum?

I wonder as well, if you haven’t been around kids much, whether they seem awful and you’re comparing to how you were at that age. Things have definitely changed a lot, and I am the same age as you. I know my kids are well behaved and polite in general and get no complaint from school or family about them. But I’m also very aware that their behaviour wouldn’t have washed in the 1980’s and with my own mum and dad. I can see my Dad (their grandad) shaking his head in disbelief sometimes. I’m also aware that behaviour is no different to their peers and so ‘Normal for kids today’. Add some teenage horribleness and separated parents who are probably over compensating, and there you are.

You sound like a nice reasonable man. Why don’t you have a frank conversation. Not running the kids down, just saying you aren’t used to it. They’ll be at uni in 5 years. What’s the rush to move in together? If you’re looking at a long term future then take it slowly and things will hopefully fall into place.

You sound very caring, but I'm sorry, you probably shouldn't move in. As Mum's boyfriend you can't start laying down the law over behaviour etc., it's completely up to your partner how she and the children's father parent their own children. If you interfere or criticise either her parenting or her children the relationship won't survive very long.

Your partner's children will naturally always come first, that is true for any parent, male or female - children come before anyone else. As a non-parent you seem to think that's odd, but it is perfectly natural - and it will be the case for the rest of their lives.

I'm afraid becoming a step parent to teenagers with no previous experience of children will be very, very hard, that really is jumping in at the deep end. Pre-teens and teenagers can be difficult, rude, disrespectful and lazy even with the best parenting. There are a few more problematic years to go yet with your partner's two, you will be living in the middle of all the problems but with none of the authority to deal with any of it, because they are not your children. You will need the patience of a saint to keep your mouth shut.

There is no rush, maybe you should both continue to maintain your own separate spaces for now.

They are 12 and 14. They've got two parents and have already been raised. It's got nothing to do with you. They don't owe you any respect, you barely know them.

How would you feel about continuing II g the relationship but living separately for a few more years, till the kids are older and on their way to independence?

Of course her kids come first, as they should. You sound a bit jealous of her relationship with them. Disentangle yourself from this relationship I don’t think it’s meant to be.

The thing about teenagers is that most of them have some tendency towards lazy and selfish. I say that as the mother of three lovely well behaved teens - they really are great - but I can still think of lots of examples of them being lazy and entitled because, well, they're teens! (Although I must say mine don't use bad language in front of me.)

Or maybe your partner's children really are spoilt little horrors. I haven't met them so it's hard to say whether they're unusually indulged or whether it's just that you're not used to teens. But I think you should accept the possibility that could well be the latter - their behaviour is within the range of normal, and you're overreacting because you don't know any teens and you don't have the love and bond that makes a parent accept this kind of behaviour.

So it's up to you OP. You could split up with your partner and look for someone else. As most single women in their 40s do have kids, you may find the scenario just happens again, but you could avoid it by only starting a relationship with child free women in future. Or you could stay with your current partner, accept that her teens are part of the package and try not to criticise them. Maybe keep living separately as other posters have suggested.

What I don't think you should do is be judgemental about her parenting skills, or expect things to change much if you do move in with her.

Bending over backwards for your children is what parents do and it’s good to hear that she is still prioritising them in this new relationship.

It’s hard to know from your post if their behaviour is out of the ordinary or your lack of experience is coming through in your perception. I guess this comes down to whether you can enjoy the relationship for what it is for the next 5-8 years as I wouldn’t expect the situation to change until they’re young adults.

Teenager is the worst stage. You basically go into pick your battles mode. Their relationship with their parents existed long before you were on the scene. I would ask partner if this is normal, does she need any help. And see what she says. If you do decide to move in you are not there to parent so you would have to feel comfortable with a lodger/friend staying role. If not I would hold of living together for a few years.

Don't move in together. Her kids will always come first, as they absolutely should. You'll be unhappy. The kids will resent you as they'll sense your disapproval and your girlfriend will be on here complaining that her relationship is going down the drain as her partner has moved in and is causing an atmosphere with her kids. And our response will be that she should ask you to leave.
There's no reason you can't have a happy, committed relationship where each of you has their own space.

Morning. Thanks all to the posts. Some very valid upfront and honest views. They live 90miles away. I’m Berkshire. They Essex. I move to them. It will be over 2 years come Xmas time we been together so think then its time to move in together. How long is right? 2 years/5years/10 years. U got to try before you know. As said i get on fantastic with this lady. I love her. The kids are great. I big eye opener thou in behaviour which as mentioned is it normal etc….
am i jealous of mum n kids? No id say. They just get away with murder.
Haven’t said anything hence this post. Reiterate kids over me all day long.
ta. Bb77

The children have already experienced their parents splitting up. They may have met boyfriends/dad's partners too. They have had their mum to themselves for a while. Now you're on the scene, and they probably wonder if you're going to be around permanently. She will ALWAYS put them first, and so she should. Any mother should do so.

My son was in a relationship with a MUCH older lady for about 8 years (he was 24, she was 51), she had adult kids, he never wanted any children. He then spent 6 years living alone, then got with a woman younger than him, with an 11 year old. He gets on well with the kid, but never tries to take over. He's almost 40 now, and they're expecting a baby together

My advice would be not to move in, you can carry on 'dating' but don't move into the family home. It doesn't matter if they are 'spoilt' or not, if you feel that they are spoilt that is going to grate on you for a long time and will affect your relationship with them and their mother. Teenagers are difficult (most of them), I've just got through the teenage years with my DS - it's not easy and that's without throwing a new romantic relationship in. Do.not.move.in.

It's hard to know without knowing their behaviour tbh.
My ex left me because he "couldn't stand" my dc and their behaviour was awful apparently.

Weirdly enough, everyone else I know tells me how lovely they are. (Obviously they aren't perfect.) But I know it's not them that were the problem.

You are taking on the package if you move in even if you stand back from parenting. If you don't feel comfortable with that then don't move in. I expect your partner would be really upset if she knew how you feel about the children, I think you need to talk about how you feel they treat her with your partner (not the children) and she may choose to call it a day. Otherwise you move on and there are all the unsaid things and she'll be trying to please you and them.

Hmmm it’s tough as I can see you are accepting of the kids coming first and that’s great.
Is there a hobby either of them do that you could become involved in? Try to make your own connections with them as just a friendly adult. If you see behaviour you don’t like, model the correct behaviour rather than challenge or confront. Speak kindly and respectfully to them and their mum, modelling that too. Suggest responsibilities as a form of growing up, rather than insist they do things. Read the book “how to talk so teenagers listen, how to listen so teenagers talk” and really listen to them and don’t challenge… support and nurture them and support their mum to help them grow into decent adults. Reframe negatives into positives. But be prepared as it won’t be easy.

Im moving in with my dp in about a year because all our children will be in their own adult lives by then. There isn't a 'right' time to move in and you don't have to. Think of it this way- if you were considering a houseshare where you disliked 2 out of 3 other members, wouldn't you live elsewhere?? But also, they are part of the package for good at least some if the time.

How about moving to your own place in the same area? See more of her without the stresses of living with young teenagers.

Hmm you’ve been together a little over a year and are talking about moving in?

In my view this is far too soon when children are involved, even next Christmas! In many cases with children “never” is the right time as adding a step parent can significantly disrupt family life and especially children/teens of that age.

How about you review if things are still serious in 5 years time. Plenty of couples have long term relationships living separately.

The teens sound totally normal. Bending over backwards otherwise known as hands on responsive patenting is normal.

Honestly I can not think of a worse time to move in than now. Difficult ages, can be hostile due to hormones and it’s likely to put a massive strain on your relationship.

I would move closer, yes, but keep a place of my own that you and dp can enjoy teen free and wait until the eldest is an adult and the younger one will be 16yrs and beginning to enjoy early adulthood.

Move closer but don't move in OR
Keep things as they are now

I can see why that distance is wearying but could you move closer to them, but not actually into their house?

There's no "right time" to move in together, just whatever the right time for your situation is.

A lot of friends in their 20s moved in with their partners fairly quickly to get out of sub-optimal houseshares.

Friends dating in their 30s and 40s are much happier to have long-term, committed relationships while living separately - even if they don't have kids to think about, they have stable living spaces of their own that they like to keep for themselves.

Agree with PP that it doesn't matter whether these teenagers are really badly behaved or if it's your inexperience talking - it's not a great situation for you to move into. You would really have to be on the same page as their mother (and they're her kids, so you basically have to get with her programme).

Lots of people will be here to tell you this is normal because that's how many people parent their children but you don't have to believe it, I personally don't.
Of course kids behave like kids, teenagers can be especially difficult BUT it's a parent's job to teach their children life skills and prepare them for life - not to bend for them and give them whatever they want and excuse their behaviour.

I think people who do not discipline their children (and I mean teaching, not punishing and being harsh) lack in themselves. I would not want to be with someone like that as this attitude could come up in different areas of life as well and also it's extremely important that you get on with her children and that she parent them well or it will cause so much drama and resentment in the future.

Children in general do come first, of course BUT they should not always come first all the time! That's another lie that you don't have to believe.
Children and partners are different relationships and they need to be prioritised in different ways. Of course if she's a good parent then children will come first majority of the time but if she never priorities relationship and makes no time for you then again it will cause disconnection and resentment.

It's your choice and no one can tell you what to do but you don't have to settle and accept that this is normal. There are other options too.

A relative of mines relationship has just ended because of the behaviour of the kids (step kids, they were married).. some kids are just little spoilt bastards who have never heard the word no. I wouldn't do it, no.

The only reason for a woman to move her boyfriend in to her kids home is if it prioritises her kids, how would they benefit from you moving in to their home? Why not just enjoy dating without the drudgery and difficulties of living with someone else’s kids at a very difficult upcoming life stage for them?

Some interesting pov. Thanks. Think its best to have a conversation with mum who i get on super with. She is v understanding and a great mum.
Think ill Have it out in the open rather than festering away.
Bb77