Kids in a new relationship. Help me I’m a man with no exp in children.

[Blondebomb77]

Evening all. I come as a complete newby. Just signed up for some honest impartial advice on how I approach and act on my situation.
I’m 45, male, no kids at all, never really been involved in them and never thought about having them. Was in a relationship with a lady 18years older for 18years. I was 26, she 44. Ended in 2021. No kids involved.
Now with a lovely woman who has 2 children of 12 and 14. Boy n girl.
Been with her for 18months , get on well with her kids.
BUT…
always a but.
They are lazy, very spoilt from mum and dad. Don’t want for anything.
Nice holidays, clothes, if they want it they generally get it.
very alien to me this is, especially with the laziness and constant bad language, no respect to me or mum. Mum bends over backwards for them.
they know this and take a mile from an inch. I love this lady and can see a long future n beyond with her but if this continues then I’m not so sure i can hack it. Should i say something? I have got to say her kids come 1st, not me. Her children over me every time but i cant if all goes to plan in 6months live there in that capacity and let this all go on.
plz help….
bb77. Tyvm.

Agree with the PP who said kids today are not the kids we were in the 70s 80s and 90s

However they won’t be kids forever !
so talk and if this truly has legs …. Wait a few years

I’d never want to blend Families with teens personally

I have limited experience with teenagers, but generally kindness works :) be nice to them - don't demand respect, if they are being rude just say it's upsets you because you're nice to them and you didn't do anything to be spoken to like this. Teenagers know how to react when someone gets mad at them, but someone being sad / upset and honest about it is a whole new thing. :)

and by all means - have a conversation with mum! also try and remember what you and your friends were like as teens - this time of life sucks, its really awful. Most teenagers are always tired (hormonal changes mess up circadian rhythm), stressed, at this stage in life people look weird, smell weird and are generally in some state of annoyance and being self conscious. Occasionally snapping at others is very understandable :)

She is either a great Mum or she is not. Her children are a product of her parenting. It may be that they are recovering from or dealing with the effect of thier parents mariiage failing in which case, maybe they are not ready for another adult in their lives. It may be that they have behavioural issues that are not solely down to parenting. It may be that they are normal teenagers. You can't change any of these things, nor would it be your place to.

You may feel that after two years, your relationship should move to the next stage... but children in the mix, change this.

Do the children spend time with their father? Maybe you moving closer and her spending time at your place when her children are with their father might work. Maybe over time, you might see more of them and get to know them better. Each of you having your own space but geographically closer, might be the perfect solution.

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T H R E A D

Be careful. A close relative of mine has just separated from his wife with a situation like this. He said he felt abused. Kids ran riot, mother and father too soft and didn't parent much. He couldn't do anything but put up with it. But he chose not to for his own sanity. Think his wife turned on him in the end. For her own failings. None of it very nice. I'd be getting out of the relationship for sure.