NC with family, have to see them for first time at funeral.

[LittleMissBlackSheep]

I’ve name changed for this as it might be outing.
I’m in turmoil. I have to attend the funeral of someone I was quite close to on Friday. I feel I need to go to pay my respects, but there are going to be family members of mine there who are highly narcissistic, abusive and manipulative that I have been NC with for over 15 years. They destroyed my mental health and it took a lot to rebuild myself, I’m still not healed and I know seeing them again is going to be very triggering. I don’t want to go backwards in my progress, I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to not attend the funeral, I don’t want the funeral to be used as a way to manipulate me into doing what they want. I want the funeral to be only about the deceased person. What would you do if you were me?

Well, one option is don’t go and pay your respects a different way.
If you really would like to go, take someone to support you, wait outside as long as you can, go in for the minimum amount of time you have to, and leave ASAP. If there is someone you wish to express condolences to specifically, then call them before the funeral, express them and explain you can only stay for part of the funeral so wanted to call them to do this.

I think if you were close to the person who had died they would understand you not attending the funeral and would want you to prioritise your mental health. I would have a quiet afternoon thinking of them and then go to the graveside/crem a different time to pay respects.

I would not attend this funeral under any circumstances given you current state and instead pay my respects when the service has finished.

I would send a beautiful wreath to the funeral with a card , then I would toast their life in the evening with their favourite tipple.
no one would want you to be put through that. Say your goodbyes at home

If the person who’s funeral it is cared about you then I’m sure they would completely understand you not attending. There are lots of ways to pay your respects and mark the memory of a loved one besides attending a funeral.

Pay your respects after the service has finished ?
Or wait until the last minute to go in and be the 1st out and leave as soon as it's done ignoring anyone that approaches you if you're not quick enough ?
I'd do the latter. I was only thinking about this the other day as I'm in the same situation. I was going to be last in and first out ignoring everyone on my way out get in my car and go

I would go in right at the end, sit at the back or near the door and leave just as the service is ending. Talk to no one and they won't really be able to look at you. Then send a quick general note to the loved one of your friend who died (assuming you are close to them too) about the service and not getting a chance to speak with them and much love.

Oh bless you. I understand why you feel so torn. I think the only way I would attend was if I slipped in at the back and out again immediately afterwards with no hanging around. But I wouldn't go alone.

For the last close family member of mine, they died and had their funeral while I was in hospital, so I physically couldn't attend, although I very much wanted to. The hospital chaplain came and sat with me for the time that my relative's funeral was taking place - he talked to me about her and then said a few funeral-type prayers (I'm not really that religious). Could you make an appointment with your local vicar/minister for a session at the same time the funeral is taking place so that you could do similar? And you could also send flowers to the actual service so that your "presence" was there in some way.

Also, some funerals are now "live-streamed" online, especially since Covid. Can you check with the church or funeral director if this is happening and get a link to watch (often they are through Youtube or the church/FD's website) - then you can be there in real time without actually "being there".

I am sorry for your loss, and for the wounds that your family have caused you. xx

Thank you for the replies. My head doesn’t want me to go, my heart tells me I need to go. I don’t want to offend anyone or come across that I’m trying to make it about me, I am trying desperately to do the exact opposite. I’m torn between a sharp exit like some of you suggested or sucking it up and taking the hit to my mental health. It’s opened up so many old wounds knowing they will be there.

Are they streaming the service? You can listen to it without the stress then. I'd not go under your circumstances.

Could you do something at the same time as the service to mark their passing? I did this once when I wasn't able to attend a funeral of someone close. Had a lovely, quiet and contemplative time just focussing on them. It felt appropriate.

I explained to their nearest and dearest that I couldn't be there but would be marking the occasion in my own way, and they would be in my thoughts.

If there are people close to the deceased person that you aren't NC with - if they are decent people who you trust - then you can simply say that.

I wouldn't risk you wellbeing by going.... the person who died would understand that. That isn't making a drama about it.

They aren’t streaming it, no. That would have definitely been a good option otherwise.
@REP22 Thank you for your reply. I feel I need to go. I feel I owe it to the family of the person who has died, who I am also quite close to. I’m not sure they would forgive me if I didn’t attend, at the same time though they might not notice if I wasn’t there as it will be intense for them. I don’t know. The way the hospital chaplain supported you sounds lovely though.

Although I want to pay my respects to the person who died, it’s more about doing the right thing by their family IYSWIM, but by doing the right thing for them, it’s going to be the hardest thing for me. The combination of the sadness of the funeral plus the fear and pain around my own family is going to be too much.

PP ths martyr attitude has to go. No friend of yours wants your life to be ruined. If it is too much, it is too much. No one benefits from your martyr act of sacrificing your sanity to walk into a funeral home. If even being there is too much, then don't go. If you can handle a last minute entrance and quick exit without it being too much then do that. There are many ways you can show respect and to be supportive of the family without it being this big dramatic life altering event. Show respect in a way you can handle.

Could you visit the Chapel of rest the day before the funeral to pay your own private respects? Or visit the grave the day after the funeral to say your own goodbye? Your friend would not want you to damage your mental health at the funeral.

@Freefall212 I appreciate your directness. You are right in many way. I was so conditioned by my NC family to sacrifice all of myself for them, that is seeps out into all aspects of my life. This is what I mean by I am not completely healed. I tie myself up in knots trying to please everyone else, even now.

Pleasing others at the expense of your own health and well-being isn't really about others. That kind of victim / martyr mindest is just another form of self harm. A way to cut yourself emotionally and denigrate your own worth, rather than cutting yourself physically. It is a very unhealthy coping strategy that you have developed to deal with difficult situations. It is a comfortable place to be but it has to go in the same not-going-to-go-there pile as other unhealthy and harmful coping strategies. Think about what you can do that doesn't compromise your health and safety and do it from a positive viewpoint of strength. I can keep myself safe and healthy AND show respect to friend and frien's family by doing X.

Oh bless you. Could you write to them, something short but heartfelt, expressing your sympathy and affection for the deceased, and say "I'm sorry that I am unable to make it to the funeral, but will be keeping you very much in my thoughts" or something similar. No need to give a reason why you won't be there, just that you are unable to be there.

It sounds like the occasion would be so overwhelming for you and you do need to keep yourself safe.

There's a saying that "you cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm". I mean no disrespect to the bereaved family but if they are unlikely to notice your presence (which is understandable, a funeral can be a mass of emotions where things don't always register) I am sure that they wouldn't want you tormenting yourself for the sake of standing in the same building as them for a little while. x

Wear a mask! If anyone comes near you, fan them away.

This is the truth.

You do not honour your loved one by committing self harm.

Contact the family and be briefly honest.

You will be there in spirit but your recovery is too fragile to be put at risk.

If they don't understand, they are not your friends.

I am so sorry for your loss.

If you were close and loved by this person, they would absolutely want you to mind yourself before any public appearance.

I am so glad I posted about this. All of you have been so helpful and kind.
@Freefall212 the last post you wrote makes so much sense to me. I had never thought of it that way - that it’s a form of self harm. I feel the pain when I put myself in difficult situations, but have never thought of it like it’s a form of self-harm. I have been taught from a young age that I am ‘less than’, so I end up thinking, it’s just the way it is for me, I’m there to compromise myself. Which when I type that sounds so ridiculous. You have unlocked something in my head with your comments. Thank you.
@REP22 Thank you for your response. I feel so selfish even considering not going, but you are right, that’s a good saying that you have taught me about not setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm. I don’t think I can go. I can’t let my NC family have chance to cause another emotional scar, can I?
@billy1966 Thank you. I think the person would understand my reasons for not being there, she showed understanding and support for my situation in life. But then I feel guilt that I feel I don’t think I can do this last thing for her.

You are still in an abusive relationship, it is just that now it is with yourself. Your family lost direct power over you years ago but by repeating the things they told you to yourself you continue the abuse. You just took over where they left over and although that gives you more control and feels safer, it is still very harmful and retraumatizing. How can you fully heal with you are still being abused every day? You say you have always been taught you are less than and selfish and that you need to sacrifice youself and those things still seep into your everyday life but the person who has been saying those things to you for the last 15 years is you! The person who has been putting you down is you. I am sure you have done a lot of work to rebuild yourself but you have done that in the context of an abusive relationship, making it hard to put it into effect in your daily life. The good thing is that all the work you have done is there. You know you actually have a lot of good qualities and traits and strengths - you just haven't yet given yourself permission to live that and to voice it out loud. You default to letting your internal abuser put you down and to shush the positives - and that comes easy to you. Your years of harm by your family and now 15 years of self harm and self abuse have made you great at it. You know how to hurt yourself in many ways. At some point you have to be prepared to walk away from this abuser in your head too as scary as it is, and give yourself permission to prioritize your own wellbeing and to be the person you know you are, the person that all the therapy and work you have done has taught you about.

This funeral is a chance to prioritize your own health and well-being and to use some of the ideas that posters have given you to still pay respects and to show you care to your friend and their family

Great posts especially from @Freefall212

So true.

Sadly OP, your friend is gone.
Whether you attend or not has no impact directly on her and certainly doesn't show a lack of respect.

You can light a candle, plant something in your garden, spend some time honouring her spirit, on your own.

Many, many people did this during Covid and IMO it has equal value.

Pause and think about your reaction if someone told you they couldn't attend a funeral because they couldn't face seeing someone, for whatever reason, because it would impact their MH negatively.

How would you react?

I think like myself, the overwhelming majority of people would say,.....you do you.
Do whatever is best for you and your MH.

You do not have to be there to honour her.
You honoured her in life and you are more than capable of doing so privately.
No doubt you will honour her for the rest of your life by holding her memory close to you.

Honour her by being kind to yourself.

@LittleMissBlackSheep

My grandfather died 4 months ago. We were very close.

I'm not sure how to explain how abusive and traumatic my childhood was but for example:

When I had life changing health issues as a child, my parents didn't do anything about it and just through well thats that ... my grandfather ( a single man at that point) got wind of the situation came to the country my parents had moved to and picked me up as a seven year old and took me to hospital in his home country where I stayed for over 8 months. My parents never visited once. They had the money and the time. When I finally went home I had 0 aftercare because the doctors and hospital my grandfather had arranged the follow up to be at was in London and my mother (who was a housewife with a lot of disposable income, think private school, cleaning lady, nanny, au-pair etc ) couldn't. be bothered to do the journey ( we lived in Redhill - one hour drive ).

When I was a teenager and the abuse got too much he paid for me to go to private boarding school. He helped me into adult life. He was for long periods of my life the only person who I thought ever loved me. He also looked after my siblings.

He had a stroke last year and was very sick, my mother who hadn't spoken or seen him for over 15 years went to stay in his town, moved into the care home assisted appartment we got him and wouldn't even leave for 15 minutes for me to visit. I did visit him the week before he died but it was very hard and as he was not conscious of me being there did not bring me much.

I did not go to his funeral. Only one of my siblings did. And yet my whole group of friends proposed to come and make a human armor ring around me. My mother made the whole occasion about her and my one sibling who did go was genuinely suicidal ( as in had to go into hospital) afterwards from having go be in the vicinity of my mother at the funeral.

If I was you OP, I wouldn't go. You had his life. Let them have his death.

I understand the drive to be there, if you could do a last in/first out and take a trusted friend along to sit at the back with you, and a card for the family that you can leave somewhere prominent would that work do you think?

You're right in that the family are likely to be so overwhelmed on the day they really won't register one way or the other how long you're there for. You don't exist for the ease of others, prioritise yourself and your own needs before you can start on other peoples.

@Freefall212 I am really touched by your words. Thank you for taking the time to reply with such insightful responses. Nobody has ever shone a mirror on me like that. Your words make so much sense.
@billy1966 You are so right, there are plenty of ways to honour her if I think about it, and yes, if someone had a genuine reason not to attend I would understand in their shoes. I just worry they won’t understand. With death and funerals everyone’s feeling are so raw it’s hard to know how it will be taken.
@Saxendastarter thank you for sharing your story. I think my NC family will dominate too, they are not the type to fade into the background.
@Seas164 Making a quick exit from the service I think will be the only way I can do it if I attend. I have a few more days to think about it. I wish I could just grieve without this extra worry.