NC with family, have to see them for first time at funeral.

[LittleMissBlackSheep]

I’ve name changed for this as it might be outing.
I’m in turmoil. I have to attend the funeral of someone I was quite close to on Friday. I feel I need to go to pay my respects, but there are going to be family members of mine there who are highly narcissistic, abusive and manipulative that I have been NC with for over 15 years. They destroyed my mental health and it took a lot to rebuild myself, I’m still not healed and I know seeing them again is going to be very triggering. I don’t want to go backwards in my progress, I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to not attend the funeral, I don’t want the funeral to be used as a way to manipulate me into doing what they want. I want the funeral to be only about the deceased person. What would you do if you were me?

In your shoes I wouldn’t go. You need to protect your mental health. What would you advise a friend in this situation to do?

Hi @LittleMissBlackSheep I hope you managed to have a good night. I agree with the other wise posters on here. You really need to protect yourself first and foremost. You don't deserve to me made to feel terrible just for being you and trying to do the decent thing.

Have you ever stumbled across the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" threads on MN? They are a safe space for people with toxic families (so-called because the original founder's family (and it seems many others) justified their awful abuse and cruelty to their children with the caveat that they took them to National Trust places and castles so their childhoods' couldn't have been that bad). Here is a link to the latest thread - April 2023 -"Well we took you to Stately Homes" | Mumsnet. There is much kindness, wisdom and understanding there.

Best wishes to you. x

@WGACA I think I would advise a friend not to go.
@REP22 Thank you for the link. That’s exactly the type of parents I’ve got, I think they’ve even used that line about the stately homes!

Yes, it's quite surprising to see the clanging similarities in our different and varying situations. Sometimes it's almost uncanny how certain phrases and experiences repeat almost word-for-word the same.

Look after yourself - you sound like a lovely, caring and thoughtful person, despite all you've had to endure. They may have dominated your past - but don't let them frame and pollute your future. You owe them absolutely nothing. xx

Actually, I think I would send a very thoughtful card to the family of your friend and find a way to honour her (make a donation in her name, bring by something for the family on another day to support them, etc.), but I would give the funeral a miss. It sounds like you are going for her family because you want to support them, but if you know your abusive manipulative family will be there, it will bring drama and tension to an already difficult day for them. I would leave them out of whatever drama your family is likely to stir up. It's not fair that it has to be that way, but it sounds like you are able to be the bigger person.

You don't need to explain why you aren't attending, just say that unfortunately, you couldn't make it and you wished you could be. I honestly couldn't even tell you who attended my dad's funeral or dh's grandad's funeral (the only 2 I can remember attending as a family member). But I sure do remember dh's uncle who turned up at his grandad's funeral just to sit outside in his supercar with the women he was currently bonking while his wife was inside saying goodbye to her dad! People do remember when others cause drama and it wasn't nice.

That said, beyond the family, it sounds like it would be really hard for you and open up a lot of old wounds. I am NC with my family, and honestly, I can't imagine attending a funeral along with them. It would be unbelievably painful and would undo the work I've tried so hard to do all these years. Sometimes you need to put yourself first because ultimately, it's you who will be the one dealing with the aftermath when everyone else has gone home.

I had to do this. I sat at the back and left immediately after the service, didn’t go to the wake.

I found go, sit at the back and then leave when the service was over going via the pub worked for me. Chief mourner got to be at the front like was wanted, I got to be there but not have to hang about making niceties.

Much strength and peace and healing to you OP regardless of what you decide to do about the funeral.

Thank you for all validating how I’m feeling about this.
It feels selfish of me to feel the way I do, but of course I wouldn’t say any of this out loud to anyone outside of this thread for this reason.
The thought of seeing my NC family again fills me with so much fear, and in these circumstances it seems so much worse. It seems unfair that they get to say their goodbye their way and I have to compromise mine.
@mindutopia this is a big worry of mine, that they will create drama. If I thought they would stay away from me and just focus on the funeral I would go. But I know they wouldn’t do that. They would use the funeral as another stick to beat me with. It’s who they are.
@FatGirlSwim and @NeverDropYourMooncup did your NC family approach you at all? Was it easier than you thought it would be to go? Or as bad as you expected?

I don't want to say too much about my circumstances, but @LittleMissBlackSheep it might help to remember there's a lot of truth in the saying that funerals are for the living, not for the dead.

Your presear the fun will make not one jot of difference to the person who has died. They already know you care. You don't need to go to their funeral in person, putting your mental health ar risk, to honour them. You honoured them in life.

I strongly urge you to stay away from the funeral, OP. Once you're there, a 'quick getaway' will be harder than you think.

Finally, do you think this special person would want you to suffer for the sake of their funeral? I bet they wouldn't. You can honour them in many other ways privately.

They blanked me and deliberately left mine and my DDs' names out when speaking of relatives. Too busy being the stars of the show to acknowledge me outside that. Which was alright, actually - as with all funerals, the nonsense that can come out is something best treated like adverts on YouTube ; as little attention paid to them as possible and you hope there's a Skip button soon.

Don't go. Your mental health is too precious to put it at risk for someone who won't even know if you're there or not. Send a card and flowers or make a donation. At another time you can go out to coffee with the bereaved family members and remember your friend through talking about your memories with them and can also explain your actions.

I didn't go to see a family member when they were dying through this exact scenario. I couldn't risk my mental health around protecting my children from my abusive family and though some thought I was unfeeling it was the right thing to do for me.

I think if it was the funeral of someone I was close to I would need to go to say goodbye, however I would be last in , sit at the back and leave as soon as the service was ended.
Most people at funerals are engulfed with their own thoughts and grief to pay much attention to who is there.
Would your mental health suffer if you didn't go ?