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Original poster

separation and teenage children

43 replies

yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:20

DH and I are separating after 25 years together we have two children 12 and 15. DH and I haven't slept together for over 3 years and eventually i met someone else. I want to leave and get our own place and want to take kids with me but DH wants to me to stay and keep them in family home and give up my new partner which I feel I cannot do. He might be prepared to buy me out. My older son is devastated and sees me leaving as choosing someone else over him and is completely unable to cope with it which is horrendous for us all. No amount of explanation can help , what I want to know is, has anyone else had this experience and how did you deal with it

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missingtheaction · 16/02/2008 10:30

(((((hugs)))))) not quite the same experience but splitting up with teens does seem to have its own special heartbreaks. He is old enough to understand that your relationship with him is not the same thing as your relationship with his dad, and that you still feel exactly the same way about him. But do expect to have to do this in the face of tantrums and hostility. GOod luck - it will get better.

Alambil · 16/02/2008 10:33

Would he (or both of them?) read a book about it?

Amazon has loads for 12-16 yr olds (click here) to choose from

ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 10:36

i did this...me and exh had shared care the kids swapped between homes on a weekly basis and then a fortnightly one

it worked out well

i moved out of the family home and rented and then exh bought me out of the family home and i bought my own house and then he sold the family home and bought a cheaper place

Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:36

thanks missing, point is, will it, or will it get worse, I feel so bad for my son,my dh says i have ruined everyones lives in pursuit of my own happiness, which is more or less what it feels like to me tbh, and I am finding it difficult to handle. I don't want my son to grow up hating me but I feel unable to throw away this chance of happiness. DH says that we could have just carried on for the family even though we have led more or less separate lives for several years, but we did do the normal things with kids like go on holiday etc and all thats about to be blown out of the water. I proabley could have done exactly that if I hadn't met someone else. But once that happened it all seemed to take a life of its own and I realised I would never be truly happy with dh again. I had thought of leaving him many time before but it was always the easy option to stay with two boys and no real aggro in any other department. The pressure on me is enormous from all family sides to just stay for the boys but does anyone else think this is just delaying the inevitable? And do I have the right to ruin my sons life like this thats the bit i can't get past

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Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:37

zippi how old were yours?

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Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:38

lewis thanks for link - not sure he would read them but i will!

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ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 10:39

you won't ruin his life

he will settle again it is a huge turmoil for everyone but it is possible to move forward and pick up the pieces it just needs you and your h to put the childrens interests first and most particularly not get into slagging each other off if you can help it or indeed justifying your actions

it is very hard but people and relationships change and your children will learn that but it takes time

Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:40

also zippi, I don't think especially my older son would come with me. He is so resentful of fact I have told him that I love someone else instead of his dad, in retrospect i wish i hadn;t of done that but it seemed like a good idea at the time to get it all out in open, I didn;t want him accusing me later of not being honest from the start, but my god, you pay the price for that honesty

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ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 10:40

mine were 11, 14 and 15

ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 10:43

they had already had a very bad year as i had been in hospital for 3 moinths

it was awful but they are now 19,23 aqnd 24 and we have excellent relationships

but there is a price to pay and there was a lot of turmoil

they do think i very much did the right thing but my story is very complicated

at the time it was horrendous for them

Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:43

And sorry to keep on at you zippi but you seem to have some experience of this - is it better to draw a line and move out and deal with all that comes from that, or stay and keep my new relationship as much in the background as i can - i don't intend at this stage anyway to introduce him to any aspect of their lives as there is no point and how do I deal with a son who doesn't want to see me because of what ive done to both him and his dad and the family unit - weve' all had a bit of a charmed life really, although me an DH have hardly had any sex in last 5 - 7 years and none at all over last 3, we have had calm peaceful relationship which has given boys solid family life, which I have now blown away

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Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:47

zippi it makes me cry finding someone who had kids the same age to share the experience with - yours have grown up now - did they blame you at the time and forgive you? you said that you shared care - at the moment I dont know if the older ds would even consider seeing me if i went. mind you this news is still very raw to him, we only told them 2 weeks ago. my dh thinks we should have kept it all under wraps and not told them and carried on, but that's how it was before and as ive' said, if i hadn't met someone then it would have probably stretched out anohter few years but I would have left him in the end as I don;t love him and haven't for the longest time. please tell me how to get strength for all of this

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madamez · 16/02/2008 10:47

Yellowmellow: Your DH doesn;t seem to have been that bothered about your happiness for the past few years. It's all very well for him to say that you are being selfish, but you are a human being, not a convenience for him and the children.
Having said that, does it have to come down to moving house? If your DH wants you to stay in the family home with the children, then is he prepared to let you spend time with your new partner ie you and DH have separate bedrooms but otherwise you live amicably as co-parents and children? Or is your DH someone who, because he doesn;t want or like sex, thinks you should live without it as well?

ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 10:48

well it sounds like on the surface all was ok but a lot was happening underneath

have you tried talking to your dh..is the relationship with him able to come back to a full sexual and loving relationship

how does the guy you are seeing feel does he want to live with you and your children or your children at least some of the time or does he just see it as you he wants minus children

i think you have to decide what it is you want

if you are wavering then you will find it hard

maybe you need some space without either man

Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:48

madamez, i can't believe youve appeared ive' seen you on other posts and think you make sense back in a mo

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mears · 16/02/2008 10:49

My friend tried to carry on at home with teenagers but inevitably the increasing number of arguments bewtween her and her exDH were in themselves detrimental. Things were better once they split. Initially though she moved to a house of her own where the children stayed with her and alternated with their Dad. She did not stay with her new partner who is now her DH.

All you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your children. Your 15 year old DH will hate you for a while ( 15 year olds hate parents for lots of reasons) but he will eventually come round.

Life has moved on for you and you are not selfish to want to be happy.

Relate helped my friend and her ex make arrangements that put the children's welfare first.

lemonstartree · 16/02/2008 10:51

I dont know the answers, but I honestly believe that if your rlationship with your dh is unhappy then hcildren are learning all the time that this is what marriage 'is'. If you have a new, happier relationship then you are giving your children and positive example to follow. Does your new partner have children ?
This is NOT the end of their life, and if you and your husband can be civilised and NOT critisise each other in front of the children , then things will settle down

ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 10:53

maybe you could consider what madamez has said i left my exh because he was too aggressive and nasty to live with and bad for my mental health the fact i met someone else was just the final nail

yes my children did accept it

but they know why i left

they did find it very hard..their lives were turned upside down and between me and exh there was pure hatrted but we did put the children first within that

yiour h sounds very laid back about the whole thing so it is different..your children may struggle to see what is wrong with your relationship with him

ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 10:57

i was very ill at the time i split with my exh so the whole thing was a total nightmare...for everyone

luckily my now exdp was liked a lot by the children

throiughout me and exh put the children first

Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 10:58

mears and lemons, it is such a relief to me to see a positive take on its, for the last two weeks i have been locked in a cycle of negativity about how i am the worst person in the world and how could i have done it and im ruining everyones lives and whats the matter with me that I had totally missed the fact that i might not be the monster everyone is making out. thank you for that

madamez, you are very insightful to spot that there is more than one arrangement to be had, funnily enough, dh and i have talked about me staying in family home it is big enough and i have already moved into spare room at back, but problem is that he and my son both see me having any time with my new partner as totally disrespectful and rubbing their faces in it and because i work i have next to no time with him anyway. So the answer is no they won;t let me see him in any kind of reasonable way, not even for a couple hour at weekends, which ive asked for. my dh has said this new relationship can;t survive because we can't have a normal life because of my responisbility to boys which has to come first. About the sex thing, hes already said he doesn't know why im bothering as i'm nearly 50 already (i;m 48) and in a few years that will be the last thing on my mind and would it have been worth losing my sons for? That I find hard to deal with. The thing is sex is important to me the man I have met is a widower with grown up children so no additional complicaitons there, but DH sees the sex thing as a driver which will just fizzle out

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Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 11:04

zippi it sounds like your relationship was a lot worse than mine and you are right that the boys couldnt have seen this coming which probably makes it a lot worse, they thought we were happy, but I was only happy on a level, we had discussed lack of sex before but dh didn't coun't it as high as being together and the companionship and because we have been together since we were teenagers ourselves, i hadn't known any other way so it was just so easy to let it continue

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ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 11:06

well he has funny ideas about sex...he has a different libido to you

presumably that is why sex between you has fizzled out

im sure plenty of people dont expect there sex lives to end in mid life

i split with my dp last year after 8 years and the prospect of no sex ever again was quite terrifying to me..

i can't imagine living with the guy i didn't have a relationship with and seeing the oither one briefly with the first ones permission but maybe you could

i would have thought tho that was worse for the children as everyone except you would be hoping that it would end

and how does the guy you are seeing feel there is a world of difference betwen seeing someone and living with them full time and developing a bond with their kids..he must have an opinion..does he value his independence or is he keen to commit

madamez · 16/02/2008 11:08

YOu maybe need to talk more to your DH, because he's not entitled to lay down the law to you like this. All relationships involve a degree of compromise and, while it is fair enough for your DH and DC to say they do not want to meet your new partner, or for him to come to the family house yet, they are not entitled to forbid you to see him. It sounds like both your children and DH want you to be there in the family home (quite possibly because they want their cooking and cleaning done on a regular basis...) - and if you continue to live in the family home but see your new partner outside it, how does this actually harm them? Oh, and tell them from me that 'disrespectful' is an entirely inappropriate word, they are not your owners or your employers and you are definitely not subordinate to them.
Your DH doesn't want to have sex with you, which is up to him BUT that means he loses the right to control your sex life.

ZippiBabes · 16/02/2008 11:09

i was with my exh from age 19 to 42

no the children were shocked when we split they didn't expect it and neoither did exh

i submerged my feelings ..that is how they emerged as mental health problems

Original poster
yellowmellow · 16/02/2008 11:11

zippi i think that the wavering in my own mind is due to not knowing which is the right decision to make for my sons. Although I have met someone else and we are committed to each other and feel at the moment like soulmates and he would be willing to support me in whatever decision comes along but in my own mind what I want is my own place with the boys full or part time. I don;t want to live with this new person atm while boys are still young. If the new relationship survives, then maybe we will in the future but when you are in your late forties you don;t have the same romantic illusions you did when you were younger about everything being hearts and roses. the main thing in my head is I don;t want to be with dh any more but its not just dh i am leaving

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