separation and teenage children

[yellowmellow]

DH and I are separating after 25 years together we have two children 12 and 15. DH and I haven't slept together for over 3 years and eventually i met someone else. I want to leave and get our own place and want to take kids with me but DH wants to me to stay and keep them in family home and give up my new partner which I feel I cannot do. He might be prepared to buy me out. My older son is devastated and sees me leaving as choosing someone else over him and is completely unable to cope with it which is horrendous for us all. No amount of explanation can help , what I want to know is, has anyone else had this experience and how did you deal with it

well perhaps it is space you need

you could rent somewhere on a shorthold tenancy and have a trial separation

you could go to relate..i have no expereince of counselling

you don't need to make any binindg decisions

oh madamez thank you for your supportive words, ive had so much critisicm from everyone i feel like a child murderer! and you are amazingly spot on about the meals and house care - my dh has actually voiced that he won't be able to cope with the running of the house and cooking so i will need to come back and do that, so I might as well stay as it will make it easier. In some respects I agree as he has never been involved in any way in the day to day running of house, never done any cleaning or washing or cooking and he is totally unfamiliar with all of that, and after all i will need to see the boys every day, i dont want it to be a weekend arrangement. If I do continue to do all that either from within the home or outside it, I will still be involved in their daily lives. of course the cost comes to the new relationship. Both my DS and DH have both said they find it totally unacceptable for me to see new partner so I am restricted to the few hours i can snatch in week while working. This means no weekends together, no nights, no days out, dh thinks that the relationship stands no chance of survival under those circumsntacnes and quesitons therefore why i am bothering to do it. He says my responsbility to the boys comes before any new relationship and theres no way out of it. And thats my dilemma, thats where i'm trapped and back to where i started, how can i proceed and make something of all of this without it wrecking ds life

zippi if i leave my ds would class that as choosing my new partner over him - even if i went into rented accommodation - he would still see ive made a choice that didn;t put him first thats what i find so hard to bear

your dh seems to have some clear ( and rigid) ideas about what he thinks you should do. What is he prepared to contribute to helping this situation ? has he put any effort into making your marrriage work / obviously the lasck of sex is a big thing - has he tried to do anything about that ?

If the children willl NOT come with you, are you prepared to go alone ?

wanting to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship does not make you a bad person

Hi

I just wondered, did you ever contemplate leaving before you met the new man? You seemed to be chugging along nicely as a familty before he came on the scene.

I totally respect what you say about wanting to leave for you, I think that is the best reason for wanting to leave. This is probably not a helpful thing to say at all but, maybe if you had told your DH and your sons you were leaving because you were unhappy and not brought new man into the equation, it may have gown down a little bit better

Now, if it were me, I would have continued chugging along nicely until my children were independent but, thats just me. Also, I have read before that even when the children are adults with families of their own it's still traumatic when the parents split. It seems to be a no win situation really doesn't it.

I feel for you xx

'responsibility to the boys' what does that actually MEAN when they are 12 and 15 ? I dont think it means subjugating your life to mak etheir food and wash their clothes and wipe their arses ??? does it?

Its a bout being available emotionally and practically to offer them support and help as the develop into adults.......if you can do that in partnership with their dad that thats great - but i souds like you cant - so the next best thing is to be a great mum who lives round the corner.....

i am slightly goibsmacked at that post yellow

it is not up to your dh or your ds to decide what you do for their conveneience they are both old enough to do all those things themselves

i suspect you do too much for them really

of course given the chance they will both try to manipulate you for their own selfish ends

at 15 he is quite possibly going to be hurt and stroppy and take his dads side but you have to work with that and he will change onmce you make your decision i am sure the children will com e to accept any new arrangments

i am amazed it even occurs to you husband that he can tell you how to conduct yourself now oir in the future i would tell where i was coming from on that for definite

lemons over the last few years i have drifted into this kind of stepford wife life i do everything at home i work part time to be able to do that dh has good job but long hours but does just his job, at weekends, he used to go sat and sun to play golf and i have for years just done housework, taken kids to football, basically done my own thing, we haven't ever really addressed it as i found it easier for him to be out of house, and over the years that pattern has developed. we haven't argued, just got on with it on a very superficial level, dh is not a bad person, has been affectionate with me, me less so with him but the sex thing was gone for years and neither of us did anyting about it. i did have clinical depression about 3 years ago which i realise was related to this i got treated with ssri's but now ive met someone else i dont take them now but i think all of this is going to leave me more depressed than ever! In answer to your question I am prepared to go it alone since what i had with dh is dead and to not admit it would make me more depressed. If it was just us i would have been gone already.

at your DH comments!! He seems to be panicking at the changes this is going to bring about for him.

and yes i can see that if you were quite happy with your lot before you met someone then it is a bitter pill to swallow but things were clearly wrong but unrecognized and acknowledged..that is always going to be a high risk scenario

you are now disrupting things apparently so no surprise that complacency has been rocked and everyone upset

I think your DH and your sons have been very lucky that you have stayed this long, 'chugging along nicely'. There doesn't seem to have been very much in this relationship for you. If you had been leaving your family for this other man I would have thought differently but, I see now that meeting this man has helped you to recognise that you are a person who has needs and wants too. It's not really about the other man, its about the changes he has brought about in you. Even if it doesn't work out with the NM, I think he has done you a favour

well depression is a sign of things actually being wrong like i said earlier...relationships which deterioraqte and everyone ignores the fact it has to emerge somewhere and imo that can be in your mental health

mental health is very important and if changing your life dramatically might help then i would do that

your children may realise it is not so bad as they think..they will still get a lot from both parents and maybe their dad will have to work harder to do things for them too and they may all appreciate each other more rather than taking things for granted

it is tough but it is possible to move forward

thank you all for your supportive posts signing off now for a bit but suspect i'll need a bit more support later

have a nice day if you can

Stay strong and don't be brow beaten by DH or guilt! xx

before i go - lemons - good point well made - we will both still help them its just not going to be together - and timeforme - lol at scared for the changes for him - thats about sums it up

Hi, haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating others.

Why not let your 15 yr old stay with his dad, as long as you can see him regularly? At that age, they need their dads more than their mums in a lot of ways, as they learn to be men.

That way, he's keeping his stability, he doesn't have to adjust to living with a stranger who, in his eyes, has wrecked his parents' marriage (that is how he is likely to see it, however wrong he may be).

mumblechum, thanks for that, dp and myself both think that is a good plan, for ds1 and ds2 to stay in family home and feel free to come/stay with me whenever. But there is such a lot of emotion at the moment, my ds1 feels as though i am choosing another man over him and i don't seem to have the words to say its not him but dh i am leaving. and btw i do not and have never planned to live with my new partner, plan is to live alone or with one or both of ds but i would never ask them to live with another man anyway. Its just the choosing/leaving thing he is finding hard and I'm afraid i'll be seen as a bolter a term for a mother who leaves, no one can know the whole picture of why i would leave the boys behind, but it would be for their benefit and stability but i know it won't be viewed like that, there is so much pressure on women to stay, but I feel as though ive done that for a long enough time but i feel so guilty for wanting anything for myself