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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is making me feel worthless ...

66 replies

plugthetelein · 24/04/2023 11:10

October last year I was introduced to a friends friend.
I had fancied him for ages and was over the moon.
He told me he had also liked me for ages and didn't think he stood a chance.
After a couple of months of dating -he said he turned down another woman because of me.
Then he's cockiness began.
He backtracked saying we weren't official and he was spoilt for choice.
He showed me three other women he was talking too -and when I reacted to this he's response was
"Are you going crazy? It's strange because my ex's they ended up going crazy because of me too"
At this moment I probably should have walked but I didn't.

I began trying to prove I was worth more than these other women and he upped the cockiness-sending screenshots of his call log showing how long he had been speaking to them.
Rubbing it in my face.
I asked if he had recently slept with them -he said yes.
That same night I was going to a gig with him and his friends.
We stayed at his friends house and slept in same bed -halfway during the night I woke up and he wasn't there.
I went downstairs and heard him on the phone
"So you want to come pick me up"
"You can if you want too"
At this point I lost my shit and said I'm done with this -you are making me crazy.
This isn't great is it?

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 24/04/2023 13:13

He's enjoying every second of your insecurity, of you feeling like crap. He's loving it.

Let that sink in. You are with a man who actively seeks to make you feel bad.

Don't do that to yourself. Dump him yesterday.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/04/2023 13:15

You've told him you're done, stick by that and leave him to his other women

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 24/04/2023 13:33

He is just messing you about because he thinks he can. Make it clear that he can't.

gamerchick · 24/04/2023 13:36

Christ just dump the tosser. In fact, don't bother telling him. Just block him everywhere and get on with your life.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/04/2023 13:44

"Are you going crazy? It's strange because my ex's they ended up going crazy because of me too"

Have you posted about him before OP? I could swear I've read this statement before on here. If you haven't, perhaps one of those "crazy ex" did 😕

Nobody here is going to tell you to give him a chance or keep trying. He's an absolute waste. You have one life. Please don't spend another minute of him trying to "win" him. Be smart and walk away.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 24/04/2023 13:45

He sounds like an immature wee twatbag, yuck.

Opentooffers · 24/04/2023 13:57

He showed you early on 3 other women he was talking to - months ago - and you MASSIVELY UNDER-REACTED. He does his bit because it massages his ego. More importantly though, is unpicking why you didn't dump him at that point? Why cling onto a worthless individual?
If you don't sort yourself out, you will keep putting up with exceedingly crap behaviour. Your bar is likely to have dropped even lower after this unfortunately, and it was low to start with. Compared to him, others will appear an improvement because you can't get much worse, even if they are awful too.
Dump and seek counselling for yourself, you need it.

StarDolphins · 24/04/2023 13:59

Ooh, I would be out that door quicker than he could swing his dick. Arrogance & insecurity are a massive no from me. Trouble ahead with this one.

Nimbostratus100 · 24/04/2023 14:05

plugthetelein · 24/04/2023 11:40

It's like he's had a total personality transplant since we met to now.
Almost like all this female attention has gone to his head and he thinks he can just play with peoples emotions like he is.
Every day I wake up feeling like crap lately

well, he can play with your emotions, because you are choosing to let him. I am sorry you are waking up feeling like crap, but surely you can see this is entirely down to you. Why are you still with him? It is your choices and decisions that are putting you in this situation. Walk away today. walk away now. I can begin to imagine why you haven't walked away already - completely beyond me why you are on mums net complaining about how badly you are being treated, when you are deliberately putting yourself in a position to be treated badly.

I am not going to sit in the entry to my block of flats and get on Mums net complaining that the door keeps closing on me. If I did, the only response I would get is "get out of the way of the door- you noodle!"

billy1966 · 24/04/2023 14:06

For goodness sake dump him and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk before you go with 100 metres of any man.

Find your self respect before you find yourself with another arsehole again.

Wake up!

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

skyeisthelimit · 24/04/2023 14:29

OP. You have been seeing him for 6 months, yet after 2 months he started to treat you like shit and said that you weren't official. That was the time to walk.

He is an arrogant arsehole.

It sounds like you have dumped him, so stick to that, do not engage in any communication, block him and book yourself some counselling to work on your self esteem.

rwalker · 24/04/2023 14:32

He’s hiding nothing and you choose to take what’s on offer
he isn’t relationship material

walk away

Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 14:54

plugthetelein · 24/04/2023 11:40

It's like he's had a total personality transplant since we met to now.
Almost like all this female attention has gone to his head and he thinks he can just play with peoples emotions like he is.
Every day I wake up feeling like crap lately

Does anything else make you feel like crap, or is it just him?

FinallyHere · 24/04/2023 15:00

He backtracked saying we weren't official and he was spoilt for choice.

First sniff of his trying to make you compete for his attention, just bow out.

No other way for it. Sorry.

p.s. it's not that he has had a personality transplant. This is who he really is. The face he showed you at first was the construct he created, to reel you in. He knows what you want.

He just prefers to mess you around.

If you haven't already, run. Now. Fast.

piedbeauty · 24/04/2023 15:17

So dump him!!

Why on earth have you stayed so long?

You might find it helpful to have some counselling or to do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your bar for future relationships.

chocolatehoovering · 24/04/2023 16:06

For the love of God and all that is holy and whatever you believe in or don't believe in, bin this fucking prick immediately.

For the sake of your own self-esteem, every single day that goes by without binning him is bringing you further down until you'll get to the stage where you can't leave because you'll end up believing you aren't worth it.

Bin him. Today if possible. If not, make a strong resolution to ditch him by the end of April.

plugthetelein · 24/04/2023 20:02

It's sad to say and even sadder to write but I used to look in the mirror and like myself -now I just think "your clearly not good enough are you"
The feeling when I know he's on a night out and he doesn't text -worrying if he will meet someone nice
It's horrible but for some pathetic reason I haven't been able to stop

OP posts:
DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 24/04/2023 20:24

If someone loves you they care how you feel.
This man is toxic, his behaviour is ugly he has no respect for women. He will leave a trail of destruction where ever he goes and l would get yourself checked because he sounds very sleazy.

Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 20:50

plugthetelein · 24/04/2023 20:02

It's sad to say and even sadder to write but I used to look in the mirror and like myself -now I just think "your clearly not good enough are you"
The feeling when I know he's on a night out and he doesn't text -worrying if he will meet someone nice
It's horrible but for some pathetic reason I haven't been able to stop

This sounds deep seated... how were you treated as a child? Were you encouraged to have confidence and follow your feelings? Were you listened to and respected, as a child? Were your parents distracted by anything, like work, or a demanding sibling? Illness, addiction? It sounds like it wasn't instilled in you to think 'I'm worthy'?

EarthSight · 24/04/2023 21:06

This isn't great is it?

Is this is joke? Please pick your sense of self-worth off the floor. Unbelievable behaviour from him. He is treating you like a doormat. Run.

Dery · 24/04/2023 22:44

He’s horrible, @plugthetelein. Just walk away.

plugthetelein · 25/04/2023 08:32

I've been making myself look like a total idiot
Im not desperate so don't know why I've been acting like I am.
There's no way I can gain any self respect back now I don't think
Believe it or not I'm not normally as stupid

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 25/04/2023 08:57

There's no way I can gain any self respect back now I don't think

It's not like a glass that empties and can't be refilled. It's an ongoing process, where we sometimes feel that we don't respect what we've done, and sometimes we do. It's the same for everybody. We are all choosing, with each decision we make, whether to do the self respecting thing or not. The more times you choose to, the more respect you earn from yourself.

Every decision. So, for me, the last one was 'Should I have caf or decaf?' and I chose caf, knowing that it'll put me on the limit of my caffeine capacity. And that's fine. I chose something that will allow me to maintain control of my mental state, and that's self respecting. Next coffee will be decaf, otherwise I will be getting anxious, and if I do that to myself, it's not showing respect to me. It's every tiny decision.

So, you can decide, right now, to keep calling yourself stupid. Does that respect you? Because if not, you can decide to not do that anymore. And that's how you build your self respect back up. Not by looking at how you've behaved in the past, and insisting that you were crap.

AnyMucca · 25/04/2023 09:05

I smell a rat.

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 09:06

If you don't wake up and stay away from any man before you figure out why you have accepted such appalling treatment from this loser, you are on the way to a highly abusive relationship that will end up ruining years of your life.

You shouldn't be near a relationship when you have such an absence of self value and worth.

You are behaving like you have zero control or agency over your life.

You will bitterly regret this if you don't cop yourself on and wake up.

You have potentially a rely scary future looming if you don't start protecting yourself and making better choices.

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