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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship finances

32 replies

Mab1978 · 23/04/2023 22:50

Hi all, I am desperate for some
advise before I open my mouth…
I have been married to my wife for 13 years have one son 13 and 2 step sons 22 and 19
when I met my wife she worked part time as a bar maid. I was quite lucky to have a good career so from day one we moved in together I just transfered all my wages to her account. She would never agree to a joint account but happy to have my wages paid in. From then I have put £1500 in her bank every month without fail this covers our rent and all bills and money left over. Now the last 2 years I have had a pay rise so still pay her £1500 per month but I do have few hundred left over but I also pay car finance, tax insurance ect ontop of what I pay her . But she now gets the hump if i
ask for money because mine has run out. She just says I had £200 for the month what have I spent it on.. she then tells me there is not a lot of money in her account . This is where I get cross and I don’t know what to do. Because when I raise it we argue.
she gets £1100 per month wages I pay her £1500 her sons pay her £400 per month that’s 3k per month in her bank and al she pays for is food at roughly £600 per month .
I was getting frustrated either her saying there wasn’t much in the bank so I started checking her bank wrong I know.. there is never less than 3k in there. Last month I checked the statement said £3100 i
asked her how much money we had and she said £860 so I waited until the next day and checked again and she had made an online transfer to another account leaving £860. I haven’t got the balls to confront her about it because I know she will turn it around on me. But I think she has been doing this for along time and I don’t know what to do. All I know is I earn £50k a year and never have more than £300 a month in my bank while she is walking around with thousands able to buy what she wants when she wants. I love my wife and I don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would be great.

thank you in advance

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 23/04/2023 22:52

Mug

Emmamoo89 · 23/04/2023 22:58

More fool you

Monty27 · 23/04/2023 23:02

Your earnings now belong to your partner then? I'd be out of there like a bat out of hell.

MapofVenice · 23/04/2023 23:04

You’re being financially abused.

if you want to stay, sit her down and say you want to know the exact amount of outgoings so you can split it fairly, you’ll contribute that amount and the rest is your own.

or leave, probably best.

Dery · 23/04/2023 23:11

So - I’m guessing that you started paying money into her account because the bills came out of her account, is that right? It sounds like you can see her account. So can you see the bills being paid from it? How much do they add up to? Can you do some recalculation on what you pay her? Could you take over the bills? Because the bottom line is there’s no way you should be paying money into her account. You should be able to access whatever money you earn until the point it is used to pay your bills. You should not be scared to challenge her on this but it sounds like you are and that is worrying.

Moredrama · 23/04/2023 23:30

Did you check what the recent online transfer was for?

Regardless of whether your whole wage is needed for the bills or not, they are your wages and you are entitled to see where the money goes and have access to the account they are paid into.

You need to sit down with her and say you aren’t happy with the arrangement anymore and you want access to your money therefore you need to set up a joint account and you either both pay your wages into it or each pay a contribution in and keep the rest of your wages in your own accounts.
If she refuses and starts to threaten you or accusing you of not trusting her, she is abusing you.
If she won’t agree, you need to contact your employer and change your bank details for your wages. If you choose to stay with her then just tell her you’ll pay the bills once you both sit down and work out how much that equates to

Daffodil63 · 23/04/2023 23:31

It does sound controlling on her part and not very open. Can you request bank statements of all the accounts and suggest you have a thorough overall together perhaps to save for a holiday and if she says no then stop the £1500 or seriously reduce it until she is open and honest.

Original poster

Mab1978 · 23/04/2023 23:34

Thank you moredrama, that what I was thinking. But scared of being kicked out away from my son. I just feel she went from being paid £100 a week to having all this money and she has got greedy. Im
just scared when I do I confront her everything will change.

OP posts:

Moredrama · 23/04/2023 23:50

Mab1978 · 23/04/2023 23:34

If she enjoys the money it’s highly unlikely that she will kick you out as she will have to cover the bills and any luxuries on her own, though she may well threaten to do it in order to scare you into backing down.
I’m surprised that her older DC are paying so much yet you still have no extra money. What the DC are paying should reduce the amount you need to contribute.

It’s really hard talking about money, especially when it’s not something you’ve done up to now.
My DH and I kept our finances separate then I found out that the money I thought he was saving hadn’t actually been saved, I insisted on seeing his bank accounts. He hated showing me and I hated doing it, but it was needed to address the issues.
On another note, the bills come out of my bank. I keep a spreadsheet of all the bills (to budget) and show DH from time to time, especially when the costs increase, so that he is aware of the outgoings and where his contribution is going.

You have a right to know where your money is going and have a right to have access to it

SavBlancTonight · 23/04/2023 23:55

Does she pay only for food out of the £1500 you give her or all bills? Your op first days all bills then just food?

Zanatdy · 24/04/2023 06:21

You should have more than a few hundred left if you’re on 50k per year. Sounds like she’s transferring money to her own account. You should have joint savings if this money from you and her sons covers the bills with some left. If you’re scared to speak to her then it sounds like things aren’t right in your relationship and might be worth considering the future of it.

LadyJ2023 · 24/04/2023 07:22

Sorry why you being a door mat? She can't stop or intefer with you seeing your child. You've been giving her a hefty sum for a while didn't that concern you long before now? Either way when she decides to leave with her full account and your left with zero dont say you weren't warned

AutumnCrow · 24/04/2023 07:25

This place gets stranger by the day.

DustyLee123 · 24/04/2023 07:27

Is she working full time now ?

jimmyjammy001 · 24/04/2023 12:42

She has got one hell of an emergency fund from your wages to leave you in a heart beat of she wishes leaving you financially vulnerable, I would do something about it now rather than later

Original poster

Mab1978 · 24/04/2023 15:15

Hi all thanks for all your replies. Some more constructive than others. I am nearly trying to do the right thing with hurting anyone or getting hurt myself.

I knew all the stuff you have said in my head but it’s good to hear from an outsider. I guess I need to pick a good time to
raise it… as it’s payday this week not sure if right now is the best time but.

thanks for all
your advice

OP posts:

MrsKeats · 24/04/2023 15:34

Why would anyone transfer most of their wages to someone else? Genuinely confused.

KnickerlessParsons · 24/04/2023 15:37

If the house is in her name, do you have a back up plan for if she died, or if you split up? Where would you live? The house would go to her two children if she hasn't made a will stating otherwise I bet she hasn't.

Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 15:43

I haven’t got the balls to confront her about it because I know she will turn it around on me

Doesn't this tell you everything you need to know about your relationship? This isn't about money. The money problem is a symptom, not the cause.

Original poster

Mab1978 · 24/04/2023 15:58

No back up plan. House is in her name as was ex council right to buy no savings myself as I give the majority of my wages to her and then pay my car ect. So a bit stuck
really nothing is in my name.

OP posts:

wobytide · 24/04/2023 16:11

£50k with basic pension contributions works out at around £3k take home a month. Where is the other £1.5k being spent car loans alone?

MrLbz · 24/04/2023 16:28

She hit a proper payday with you didn't she! Sounds like she has substantial savings hidden somewhere. I think you have been very naive here.

dotdotdotdash · 24/04/2023 16:30

Okay, she has essentially lied to you by moving funds from her account overnight (£3100 down to £860). I would also be concerned that you have no rights over the property you live in together. However you are married, and a long marriage, so you do have that protection if you were to separate. I'm hard-headed about this stuff now as my brother was financially abused and left a long relationship (not married) with a tiny sum given what he'd put in.

Relationships aren't just about money but they do depend on trust and she is showing herself as untrustworthy. You need to think where to draw the line here, but given her games, I would ask your payroll to divert your pay into your account pronto. Then of course this matter will come to a head, but you will at least have prevented further financial loss to you.

Ladybug14 · 24/04/2023 16:37

She can't stop you seeing your son. He's 13. His choice.

I'd have your salary paid into your own bank account

Then pay the bills yourself BUT let her pay the mortgage

Original poster

Mab1978 · 24/04/2023 16:53

So forgot to say, ontop of the £1500 I pay her, I also pay car finance, tax , insurance, vets, dog food cat food. all stuff that used to come out of the £1500 but now I earn more she asked me to carry on giving her the £1500 then but still pay for these extras.
I know I’m a mug I get it I just don’t know how to fix it without losing everything. The way I see this going is I say something I have to leave with my clothes with nowhere to go and no savings to even rent anywhere. Council have already said they can’t help because of my earnings. Won’t pass credit check for renting as although I pay everything NOTHING is in my name so credit score is 0 because I don’t have any repayment history apart from my car that’s it. Basically I’m stuffed I either keep my mouth shut or end up with nothing

OP posts:

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