Relationship finances

[Mab1978]

Hi all, I am desperate for some
advise before I open my mouth…
I have been married to my wife for 13 years have one son 13 and 2 step sons 22 and 19
when I met my wife she worked part time as a bar maid. I was quite lucky to have a good career so from day one we moved in together I just transfered all my wages to her account. She would never agree to a joint account but happy to have my wages paid in. From then I have put £1500 in her bank every month without fail this covers our rent and all bills and money left over. Now the last 2 years I have had a pay rise so still pay her £1500 per month but I do have few hundred left over but I also pay car finance, tax insurance ect ontop of what I pay her . But she now gets the hump if i
ask for money because mine has run out. She just says I had £200 for the month what have I spent it on.. she then tells me there is not a lot of money in her account . This is where I get cross and I don’t know what to do. Because when I raise it we argue.
she gets £1100 per month wages I pay her £1500 her sons pay her £400 per month that’s 3k per month in her bank and al she pays for is food at roughly £600 per month .
I was getting frustrated either her saying there wasn’t much in the bank so I started checking her bank wrong I know.. there is never less than 3k in there. Last month I checked the statement said £3100 i
asked her how much money we had and she said £860 so I waited until the next day and checked again and she had made an online transfer to another account leaving £860. I haven’t got the balls to confront her about it because I know she will turn it around on me. But I think she has been doing this for along time and I don’t know what to do. All I know is I earn £50k a year and never have more than £300 a month in my bank while she is walking around with thousands able to buy what she wants when she wants. I love my wife and I don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would be great.

thank you in advance

Why would you end up with nothing?

I know I’m a mug I get it I just don’t know how to fix it without losing everything

You're giving it away, not 'losing' it.

Stop the payments to her. Tell her you need to see the bills and work out a budget before any more money leaves your account. That's it. Why can't you do that?

Can you get in touch with your company payroll tomorrow?

If you believe that standing up to her will spell the beginning of the end of the relationship (and I'm sure you will have feelings about if you want to try to fix things), then you need to get savvy.

She cannot kick you out for no good reason and don't leave if things get uncomfortable as it may affect a future financial settlement. Obviously don't let her know, but find a recommended solicitor who deals with divorces, and get some initial advice. Downloading evidence so you have full sets of bank statements, her's and your's. Confide in someone you trust who can give you some emotional and/ or practical support.

You can use getting your credit score up as a conversation opener. “As everything is in your name…” etc. position it as it will take a while to build up so best to start now for future loans/mortgage etc (do you own or rent btw? Think you’ve said “rent” somewhere but also mentioned RTB?). If you leave you will have £1500 per month to spend on rent so you should be able to get somewhere for you and your son.

If the house has been purchased you are married and you can register your interest in it. Although further up you said you rent?

I would be having a discussion that you want to buy a house or go on holiday and you need to jointly review finances.

If you divorced you could get a forensic accountant to ensure that she had declared all her savings.

OP, you are married, so in a divorce any savings would be split between you. She might get more than 50% of them if she's going to continue housing your joint son, but you won't walk away with nothing if she's been squirreling money away.

Also confused about the mortgage/rent bit, but if the house is owned then you'll also be entitled to a portion of its value.

I would try to gather as much info as you can about other accounts (for example, look through the main account and see how much has been moved into other accounts.)

If you're serious about leaving then I'd recommend seeing a solicitor first so you're speaking from a position of knowledge.

I’m surprised you needed savings to go through a right to buy mortgage application as the discount you receive being a tenant is essentially your deposit.

I do believe you are being financially abused, I really think you need to draw a line under what’s happened so far and discuss the household budget ASAP and see exactly what the bills are costing each month and then that’s what is transferred to your partner moving forward. I would also get your wages paid into your own account as soon as poss too.

If she kicks up a fuss, offer to pay the bills from your account and have her transfer money to you on a monthly basis, if she receives £1100 a monthly plus money from kids she should be able to afford it.