Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What's normal amount of contact after a date?

35 replies

averywittyusername · 23/04/2023 18:21

I realise that I have no idea what's a normal amount of follow up contact after a date with someone I've met online.

I matched with someone about a week ago, we chatted on the phone Wednesday and met up yesterday, had a lovely day walking to a pub and he went home afterwards. He said he'd had a great time and wanted to meet up again, I sent him a witty message about something we had in common, while he was still on the train, he sent a brief message back and said thanks for a lovely day. I said I was looking forward to continuing our conversation, he gave the message a thumbs up. I messaged him this afternoon to ask how his journey home was last night ,and to ask if he wanted to walk again next weekend (he'd really enjoyed the walk) .. he said he was busy next weekend (going away with family) but perhaps the weekend after.. and it just all seems a bit meh!

For context, I met my previous boyfriend online, first time online for us both, and he bombarded me with messages and calls when we first met (I loved it, fell very hard for him) and we couldn't stay away from each other from very early days. Then he brutally dumped me out of the blue after a three year relationship. I'm wondering in retrospect if he had covert narcissistic tendencies, it doesn't really matter now but might go some way to explain how he idealised me then discarded me and that it wasn't a normal relationship dynamic. I'm still trying to get him out of my head a year later (even though, objectively, he wasn't that great)

I've had lots of OLD matches & meetups, none have interested me even though I've tried to force myself to 'fancy' them. Last night was the first time I've actually had a real interest and excitement about someone. Is his level on contact normal, or is he just "not that into me"? I know strangers on the internet can't answer that, but I'm about to write him off and move onto more swiping .. because he's not messaging me with updates and witty banter 😭

OP posts:

Runningonjammiedodgers · 23/04/2023 18:24

I think if it was me I would leave it and wait for him to get in touch/suggest meeting up again. You post reads like he is being pretty casual.

Lockheart · 23/04/2023 18:26

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's not as interested as you are. He might just be a bit busy and I wouldn't totally write him off just yet, but you've made your feelings clear so I'd leave the ball in his court for now and keep yourself open to other people for the time being.

Original poster

averywittyusername · 23/04/2023 18:39

Thanks. I'll let him make the next move and not shut down any other opportunities in the meantime!

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/04/2023 17:01

Yeah I’d not shut down any other convos either

that said I like a digestion period after a date
let feelings settle
work out how I feel after , so if someone sent a flurry of messages after a long date I’d be mildly freaked - that’s not a criticism

so keep chatting and there is every chance you have a second date , but I’d not chase it either

Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 17:10

There's no 'normal amount of contact'. Some people are in touch every 5 minutes, others like to have a bit of quiet and let things move more slowly. Nobody is right or wrong, because there are no rules.

You're dating in order to find someone who has similar opinions and feelings to you. So, if you want contact every day, then it won't work for you, or for the other person, if they only want contact once a week. It's not about being normal, it's about being compatible.

If his level of contact feels 'meh', and that's not how you want to feel, then he's not giving you what you want. And that's how you choose.

WatieKatie · 24/04/2023 17:15

I’m my past experience of OLD, if a guy was interested he would message same day to ask about meeting again.

Ironically I found those who mentioned meeting again during the date either ghosted or I got a ‘no spark’ message the next day.

From what you’ve said he doesn’t sound that interested but who knows. As already said by a PP, I’d leave it and see if he makes contact.

hugefanofcheese · 24/04/2023 17:25

It can vary so very much that as pp says, it's about finding someone who is compatible rather than right. As a very general rule though I'd expect someone keen to be interested in moving things along in the real world, so probably suggesting a daye sooner than in 2 weeks. This chap may well still do this, don't write him off, but leave it with him now and carry on other conversations. You've made yourself clear.

evuscha · 24/04/2023 17:38

From my experience every time the contact with a guy was pretty sporadic after the date he was never that into me. Happy to casually date maybe but it never turned into anything long term.
With my now DH (not old, we met in a bar but doesn’t really matter) we were in touch throughout the day every day and it just all felt pretty low stress and natural. No playing games, no “3 day rule”, we just both wanted to be in touch and organize the next date.
I think you might be better off moving on, he doesn’t seem that interested.

Johnisafckface · 24/04/2023 21:09

I've always had daily contact after a first date if someone was really into me. And those have always led to LTRs.

pictoosh · 24/04/2023 21:19

"I said I was looking forward to continuing our conversation, he gave the message a thumbs up."

Personally I'd take the thumb as a brush off. If he was feeling keen he'd have taken the bait and expanded on it. "So am I." - that sort of thing.

HappyTrance · 24/04/2023 21:33

Yes I agree about the thumbs up message. That usually finishes the conversation.

philautia · 24/04/2023 21:53

I think you're a lot more interested in him than he is in you - you have maybe come across as very eager and he didn't feel the same.

Onto the next!

gerbilcrocus · 24/04/2023 22:27

....he said he was busy next weekend (going away with family) but perhaps the weekend after.. and it just all seems a bit meh!

Yes, a man who is keen doesn't respond like this, sorry.

Lonelylonelylonely · 24/04/2023 22:37

To give a slightly different viewpoint, if I've arranged a first date with someone, I've not put the rest of my life on hold in the days/weeks afterwards. I have a busy life and often my diary is filled at least a couple of weeks in advance. I'm not going to put those plans on hold just because I've met someone I'm interested in.

If I've been on a date and it's gone well, it may well be a couple of weeks or so before we both have space in our diaries to meet again. I wouldn't necessarily expect that just because I'll free, he would be as well and vice versa.

Meeting once every couple of weeks or so for the first couple of months seems quite reasonable. Only after that point might I expect someone might start rearranging other commitments to specifically make time for me.

There's so many posters on MN who seem all too keen to tell other posters "he's just not into you".

However, that said, when it's right, you don't need to second guess, or play games. It all becomes very easy and you just know.

Original poster

averywittyusername · 25/04/2023 02:59

Thanks for all the perspectives. Just by way of update, I'm feeling very meh about him now, whether or not he wants another date. He's busy this weekend, going away with family which of course he organised before he met me, and truth is I'm busy the following weekend and am not sure I can be bothered to change any plans to accommodate him. He suggested something and I responded with a "maybe" so that's that. I think he's busy with his kids & work, I know he's got a few issues going on from what he's told me, and I think perhaps it's just his style of communication and he thinks we have an arrangement.

But I want someone who's excited about me and thinking about me enough to send a text or two. It just makes me go down the road of missing my ex, thinking that he was so perfect and I didn't appreciate him enough.. when I thought I was over him and was happy to move on. I think this new guy is a bit buttoned up and traditional, also hasn't dated st all since splitting from his wife so might not know that in the dating world he's supposed to make an effort. In any case there's no grand passion there, I'll see what happens.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 25/04/2023 08:22

In any case there's no grand passion there, I'll see what happens

Why aren't you taking charge, though? He's not behaving in the way your ideal guy would, so unless you're looking for Mr Less-Than-Ideal, why wouldn't you just drop him and save yourself the emotional journey of 'Perhaps he'll come through... oh, no, he's let me down again...'?

Original poster

averywittyusername · 25/04/2023 09:55

I think I was a bit unclear. It's fine, he's on the back burner for now, with a loose arrangement agreed by both of us to get together when we both have time and little X's at the end of messages . Which is fine. We have a lot in common and he might turn out to be a friend, there's no point in ending it at this point. But I was probably hoping for some love-bombing and it isn't happening, it has after other dates when I've had no attraction so I guess this is karma kicking me back. I'm going to concentrate on myself for the next few weeks and get off the dating apps for a while.

OP posts:

samestyle · 26/04/2023 11:10

I think you're right just to see how it turns out naturally, if he doesn't seem keen to meet after his weekend away then you will have more clarity. Why would you hope for love bombing, it's not healthy or even love, its just a way to charm your knickers off.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/04/2023 11:42

To be fair the passion can’t really grow after one date
and both busy single parents with pre existing lives - this is normal

so there’s a chance you reconnect and have a great time if both relaxed and free ?

and if he suggested a date and you said ‘maybe’
that’s not very enticing

just saying that everyone’s handling their shit and it’s often when you get to know people the spark grows

love bombing isn’t healthy

Watchkeys · 26/04/2023 14:53

To be fair the passion can’t really grow after one date

He could easily be as keen as OP is looking for in a partner, though. We're not really looking at 'whether the passion is growing' adequately. We're looking at whether he's showing enough interest for OP's liking, and if he was, she wouldn't be posting here about him.

SpringleDingle · 26/04/2023 14:58

I think it'd put him in the "maybe" bucket and go on with looking for other dates in the meantime. You could chat a bit by text (as long as you are both initiating equally) but I'd definitely not stop looking for my next date on the basis of this lightly lukewarm approach.

Watchkeys · 26/04/2023 15:07

Why would anybody have a maybe bucket? For people who aren't quite right? What's the point of that? It's much easier when dating to quickly dismiss anybody who doesn't blow your socks off.

Pinkbonbon · 26/04/2023 15:08

Based on your date and the convo after (on the same day), I wouldn't have messaged him the next day also. I'd have waited a few days. Gave him some space.

I'm very conscious that things are too full on too fast if you need to message every day. Especially after just one date. It's too much imo. A person you've only been on a few dates with should be taking up no more than a few minutes of your time (not including the date) here and there. They shouldn't tie you to your phone.

That asside, his response is very meh. I would leave it up to him to initiate any future contact. I would reply with "no worries, just drop me a message if you want to do something again' and leave a at that. Certainly no more 'just to chat' texts.

mondaytosunday · 26/04/2023 15:19

If I was him I'd think 'hold on this is a bit much after one date'! Texting once to say you enjoyed yourself and look forward to meeting again is fine. But then you texted again. And then again. Give the guy a chance to breathe!
Love bombing is a big red flag, so I'd be much happier letting the relationship grow organically. Stop comparing it to how things went in the past. But I wouldn't be so dismissive either!
My husband didn't call me for a week (i didn't have a mobile then). He worked long hours and had two kids. But after our second date we were pretty much set - engaged a few weeks later.

Watchkeys · 26/04/2023 16:02

I'm very conscious that things are too full on too fast if you need to message every day. Especially after just one date. It's too much imo

Yes, but that's too much for you. Others aren't the same as you, and that doesn't mean you're doing it right and they're doing it wrong. My partner and I were sending messages every day before we'd even met, and we both liked it. We're very happy together. If one of us had decided that it was better to leave it a few days, the other would probably have decided that this was not a good match. And gone on to meet someone who likes to message every few days, rather than every few hours.

There is no 'right' amount of contact. Only 'compatible' amounts/requirements.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread