I think I might be gay, what do I do now?

[JSD1987]

A few years ago I started a thread about never having had an orgasm with a man and a lot of posters commented that I might be gay. See below

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3977012-To-think-most-women-dont-cant-get-there-with-men?postsby=JSD1987

Three years later, several attempts at trying to be physical with men (including one where I literally had to clench my fists to stop myself from screaming whenever he kissed me) and the inescapable feeling of trying to force a square peg into a round hole and I'm starting to realise there's a good chance they were right.

At the grand old age of 35 and with an impending IVF cycle to become a solo parent by choice in the next few months coming up, this is not the most convenient realisation I've ever had.

My question is: WTF do I do with this information?!

Have you ever actually been attracted to a woman?

Yes. I experimented with girls throughout college and uni but I assumed everyone did. The experience that sticks out the most for me wasn't particularly steamy though; I got quite drunk with a work friend in my early 20s and we ended up going back to hers and cuddling eachother all night. It felt really natural and lovely/romantic. I still remember it all these years later.

What do you want? If you want a partner, find a partner. If you don't, don't. If you want a one night stand, have one. It's really no different from being straight, apart from the penis, so, unless your romantic life revolves around the concept of a penis, you just go ahead and do what you want to do.

Don’t you mean lesbian?

What?

@CherryTreeBloom As far as I know the terms are interchangeable?!

OP - what so you do?
In your please I’d take it step at a time.
You are on the path of IVF atm. Your sexuality doesn’t change that path.

So - I’d focus on that and do what needs done there - it’s a lot and is stressful.

As to who you date or are attracted to. I think some people are binary and some more on a scale. If you were really strongly only attracted to women - you’d have known. And you’d have had very sexual, ‘steamy’ encounters with girls when you, as you said ‘experimented’ in uni.

I guess my point is - once you have your baby - you can date whoever you want to try dating, You don’t have to decide or limit yourself to any of the groups.

Not always, I think some lesbian activists prefer the term to “theirs” so their needs don’t get presumed and subsumed into a bigger “gay” pool (basically just yet another reason women’s needs get subsumed and have to submit to male needs)…

Anyway, why all the conjecture, why not just head to a bar and try chatting to some women who would be open to same sex experiences, and see how you feel, and take it from there OP?

Men can be gay and women can be lesbians.

@MMmomDD You've touched on one of my concerns, which is if I were gay surely I would have figured it out by now?!

I completely agree that the IVF cycle is the most important factor here but there is a small part of me that feels resentful at all the years I've spent trying to force myself to do something I clearly don't want to do I.e. be with men and wants to explore this as I feel I've I missed out on having an enjoyable relationship and this will be infinitely harder to do with a child in tow.

Men can be gay and women can be lesbians.

Incorrect, but way to make the thread about you!

Incorrect according to just you, or is there a wider, overarching authority?

@ItsCalledAConversation

"Anyway, why all the conjecture, why not just head to a bar and try chatting to some women who would be open to same sex experiences, and see how you feel, and take it from there OP?"

Because I'm a big fan of wasting time over-analysing, hence why I've gotten to this stage of my life without figuring this out 😂

And people can be well-meaning but badly informed ignoramuses.

Lol, fair do’s!

If fantasy life is important to you, then maybe try some online chats or reading some erotic fiction?

Im interested to know how you dream. Do you have emotionally intimate or sexual dreams about women or men, or both?

Not really sure what sort of advice you're looking for, surely this is the same as realising at any stage of life you may or may not be attracted to someone.

I say this as a gay woman, try dating and see how it goes. Much the same as I would say if you were 16 and unsure. I've been through ivf and in the nicest possible way you will soon be too far into the drugs and hormones to think much about all of this.

In an ideal situation where would you see yourself in 5 years time? If it's with a woman then there's your answer.

"Im interested to know how you dream. Do you have emotionally intimate or sexual dreams about women or men, or both?"

It is actually very spooky that you've asked me this. A few nights ago, I had a dream that I was living with a woman and we were falling in love. It felt very real and it was the kind of nurturing, fufilling love everyone wants. When I woke up, I still remembered her name and what she looked like. I even went so far as to Google her as I felt like I actually missed her and the bond we were forming.

Very aware that this sounds insane but the dream coupled with a lifetime of just not feeling quite right, plus friends and work colleagues hinting and sometimes flat out telling me I'm a lesbian has meant I can't keep burying my head in the sand about this anymore.

@mrstumblet This will actually be my second cycle as the first one ended in miscarriage so I'm all too aware of the rigour/stress of IVF.

As to where I see myself in 5 years, honestly it's anyone's guess. I cannot see myself with a man, I know that much but beyond that it's still all to play for.

@JSD1987

Life doesn’t end once you have a child. You will have the rest of your life to figure out who you are attracted to.
BUT - if you want a child - you only have a few years of fertility.
If you think you want a child - and by having gone the IVF way this is the only thing we know for sure - you need to prioritise and do things in a sequence.

The resentment - I think maybe consider counselling. It’s no one’s fault you aren’t sure who you want. But it’s also entirely possible you aren’t 100% this or that. You don’t need a label.
You need to at some point to meet that one person that works for you.
And there is time for that. You are only 35.

@MMmomDD This is very true and wise advice, thank you X

You don't need to do anything with this information.

If you're gay then you're gay. You can still have a child and be gay.

I would concentrate on the IVF for now and when your child is a bit older maybe try gay dating sites or whatever and explore a bit.

It's really doesn't have to be a big deal.

I think you've answered all your own questions. You're clearly not attracted to men. You have been attracted to women in the past and do dream about women. As for ' I thought all women experimented with other women', well, no. I expect lots do, but heterosexual ones tend not to. I have never ever been attracted to a woman nor ever tempted to experiment.
I expect you are gay, but in this day and age it shouldn't be too big a deal should it?

Being pedantic is your only takeaway from this post?
If you cant be nice or helpful why bother?

OP my friend dated men for years, she was single, went on a dating app and put women instead of men, she's not happily with a woman, give it a go.
Maybe you are asexual?

@FredaFox The only thing I know for sure is that I am DEFINITELY not asexual, my sex drive is annoyingly high!

"I expect you are gay, but in this day and age it shouldn't be too big a deal should it?"

No, not at all. I think it's just because I've spent so much of my life not examining this part of myself and just assuming I must be straight despite the sometimes glaringly obvious evidence to the contrary that it feels like a big deal. I'm also from a very religious family and if I do decide to explore this openly it will almost certainly be a VERY big deal to them, so there's that.