I think I might be gay, what do I do now?

[JSD1987]

A few years ago I started a thread about never having had an orgasm with a man and a lot of posters commented that I might be gay. See below

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3977012-To-think-most-women-dont-cant-get-there-with-men?postsby=JSD1987

Three years later, several attempts at trying to be physical with men (including one where I literally had to clench my fists to stop myself from screaming whenever he kissed me) and the inescapable feeling of trying to force a square peg into a round hole and I'm starting to realise there's a good chance they were right.

At the grand old age of 35 and with an impending IVF cycle to become a solo parent by choice in the next few months coming up, this is not the most convenient realisation I've ever had.

My question is: WTF do I do with this information?!

There's nothing to examine. Meet some potentially eligible people. If you find yourself interested in one of them, pursue the relationship. That's it. No self examination necessary. Bit like me saying 'I suddenly thing I might like stilton, it's a part of me I've never explored...' The only thing for it would be to get some stilton and eat some if and when I felt like it. It's not a puzzle. You want what you want. It's that simple. Talk to your family about it when you feel ready.

Really sorry to hear about your loss, that sounds incredibly tough. What I meant was right now probably isn't the time to start thinking about it all too much.

From what you've said I would say it doesn't seem as if you are attracted to men, I was attracted to a man and had a very long term relationship with him, in my heart I always knew once that ended I would NEVER be with a man again. Since I've only dated women, I've no idea how I knew he would be the only man. It almost didn't enter my head to date any other men after we split up.

As much as your family would be hugely disappointed this is your life, your one life. Please don't live it for anyone else, in the long run you deserve to be happy as much as anyone, if that happens to be alone , with a man, woman or 10 cats if it's part of your journey then embrace it.

All the best with the ivf, it's a trying journey, especially on your own so you have my admiration for deciding to face it again.

OP, I was a bit like you. I had been married to and divorced from a man, had other relationships with men afterwards. I never felt "right" in any relationship, couldn't put my finger on it but I just didn't feel that connection. I'd had "things" with girls as well but just put that down to "everyone experiments". I suppressed it. Had a lot of internalised homophobia from my upbringing.

At 37 I met a woman who turned my world on its axis overnight and very quickly I told everyone about it. It went better than expected with my family (after a difficult beginning), we loved each other very much, married and had a child. She is the love of my life and the years I've had with her have been the best of my life.

Very sadly she has recently left me for someone else, so clearly no happy ending is guaranteed. But I am definitely gay and while I can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else right now, the experience I went through finally feeling all the things you're "supposed" to feel in relationships opened my eyes to the joy there is in being with the right person.

Focus on your IVF for now. You can date women later. I hope you'll be happy.

@mrstumblet Thank you.

Funny what you say re. knowing your ex was the last man you'd be with. I haven't had quite the same trajectory but I think sub consciously I had the same realisation. My criteria for a male partner was unrealistically high and I would do anything to avoid dating or get the ick over the most insignificant things. At the same time, I would develop these very intense female friendships and get jealous of their partners. It's so obvious now I'm looking back on everything, I don't know how I've been so ignorant of myself. Thank God for the "compulsory heterosexuality" Google doc!

@Elektra1 I'm so sorry that happened to you, I hope you have good friends and family around you to support you.

Lovely though, that you got to experience romantic love in what sounds like a fulfilling, rewarding way. I hope to be able to say the same one day.

I hope you do too. We have only one life. Make it one where you are your whole self. Love is amazing, life-changing.

As for your 'very religious family', clearly there is the answer for why you're struggling so much with this and why you have been in denial for so long.
No wonder I'm an atheist.
If and when you find a female partner I would simply inform your family and make it very clear you expect NO negativity or homophobia from them.
Good luck

Dreams don’t lie. You have written your own answer right here, OP. One dream could be just a quirk, but if you’re having these thoughts and dreams regularly, you know what it means.

Have a think about why you’re procrastinating and whose permission you are waiting for, to claim the life that’s yours. You can give yourself permission to do this. You can create your own opportunities. I’m so excited for you to find yourself and know yourself and stand in your own power! Get it, it’s yours!

Dreams don’t lie

This is codswallop. I regularly have dreams of my partner leaving me in horribly insensitive ways. It's to do with my past, not to do with our relationship. I've never been so happy. The dreams have nothing to do with our current reality, except that any threat to our contentment really upsets me.

If dreams don't lie, then recurrent dreams about monsters or turning up at work naked would actually be true.

Do the IVF but freeze the embryos. Give yourself a year or two of reflecting and maybe dating to see where it gets you. If single parenthood by choice remains the right path, you’ll have the embryos.

@LysHastighed Thats not too far from the loose plan I have already actually. I already have two embryos frozen from my last cycle so if I'm not successful with my next cycle then taking some time to date may be a good idea.

Oh my god read that back to yourself. Jesus.

Take responsibility. You are where you because you made certain choices. Get a grip.

Also nobody is forcing you to go through ivf. You don't have a child yet so stop with all the imaginary struggles you haven't and may not ever face.

Seems to me, before you proceed with ivf you get your priorities sorted.

@Piggypied May I gently suggest you take some of your own advice and consider whether the hostility and rudeness of your message is really warranted?

@Piggypied

Oh my god read that back to yourself. Jesus

What is this? I've just re-read that post 3 times looking for what you accused OP of; it's simply not there. You seem to think that OP is doing something dramatic and victim-like, but it looks like she's just mulling things over, really? Why so angry and accusatory?

@Watchkeys Thank you x

There’s nothing you can do to change this and there’s nothing that can concretely prove / or disprove it to yourself.

Ignore the people who told you not to use the word gay. How you describe your sexuality, or your potential sexuality, is totally up to you!

All you can do is, when you are ready to date, allow yourself to date women, if that’s what you feel like doing. It will become clearer over time.