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Original poster

Partner not sharing housework - twins on the way

29 replies

Th10 · 22/04/2023 19:39

I have been with my for the past year (on/off couple years prior). I’m currently pregnant with twins and not happy with the sharing of chores & never gets resolved. For context:

both work FT, I work 8am-4/5pm +2hr drive each way, desk job. Partner works 8-3/4pm + on call overnight once a week, busy job.
we live with his parents and I do not pay rent but set aside my savings towards our house deposit - aim to move out next year.

issue:
in the past year he’s cooked less than 5 times, Initially I cooked 2-3 times a week and his parents the rest of the time (I have cut down to 1 or 2 as fed up).
he never washes up, after we’ve eaten he will let the plates sit there until I’m fed up and take them (it’s only 2 plates, I clean the kitchen after I’ve cooked)
If I, or his parent make a big meal and eat together at the table, he’s the only one who doesn’t take the plates to the kitchen or wash up.

he says women are ‘naturally better at admin’ as it’s something men are just not good at. This sounds minor but it really irritates me as I don’t want to take on all the mental load and admin when the children come along or when we go to get a mortgage (I feel like he’s priming me for that by acting incompetent). I’ve told him I work with many people who try this ‘play dumb’ trick on me and see it from a mile off.

I’ve told him so many times I am not a maid and don’t want to set the example of that mum does majority of the housework to my kids when we both work the same amount. I’ve had this conversation at least once a month and no change.
what do I do? I feel like I’m being a pushover and I know that things are going to get harder with twins. I also feel guilt because I don’t directly pay him for staying here, although I save towards deposit I feel like a freeloader and compensate by doing chores but I do need to get out of that mindset. How would you approach a situation that isn’t changing? The last straw was two days ago when he was getting ready for work and asked me to put some underwear in the washing for him as he didn’t have time to do it in the week. (He did, but couldn’t be bothered). I said he was taking the Piss as he was still in the house so why didn’t he do it himself? We haven’t spoken for two days since I brought up these issues again.

thank you

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/04/2023 19:40

How far into the pregnancy are you?

Coffeeandbourbons · 22/04/2023 19:42

Get ready for life as a single parent. Going it alone will be better than being attached to that dead weight. He won’t change.

Original poster
Th10 · 22/04/2023 19:42

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz 17weeks

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 22/04/2023 19:44

Sorry but what on earth would possess you to have children when living with in laws? He's a mummys boy and she's merely handing custody over to you. You've got 3 kids potentially.... good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 19:44

Your relationship is already over, op, and I mean that very seriously. This man will never EVER change, and he will only get worse after the babies are born.

Please take my advice... Use your money to move out into your own place right now. Get yourself situated, close to where you work, before the babies are born.

Don't waste another second on this man.

PaigeMatthews · 22/04/2023 19:48

Well you cannot go back in time and change where you are now. The whole situation is a mess.

Is he also saving for a deposit?

can you move out on your own?

he wont get better. He has told you and shown you what he thinks is womens work. You cannot train him. Gr isnt a dog.

PaigeMatthews · 22/04/2023 19:49

Did you move in with him because you were pregnant? Or was getting pregnant intentional while you were already living there?

Duckingella · 22/04/2023 19:49

Men like this do not change.

I moved at 3 months pregnant into a flat with my DH.This was 2003.He moved from his parents home into said flat.

At home he never did anything,he was never made to doing after chores or take responsibility for his own things or himself.His mum waited on him hand and foot.This behaviour was ingrained.

I now live with a man who's left me to do everything,child rearing,all the household admin/family admin,emotional labour,carrying the mental load,the DIY,cleaning,laundry,shopping,cooking,cleaning,Birthdays/other occasions and just about anything else you can think of.

You need to actively consider what your future will look like with him;men like this tend to consider children women's work.

Pinkflipflop85 · 22/04/2023 19:50

Well this has disaster written all over it!

Stratocumulus · 22/04/2023 19:51

Good luck OP. I am so sorry you are dealing with this free loader.
It does not look good for your personal future. I hope it works out but life experience tells me it probably won’t. Be that in the near or far future.
Think carefully about how you use your savings.
I hope all goes well with your confinement. Twins! That’s lovely.

mathanxiety · 22/04/2023 20:46

You need to dump this immature mummy's boy, take your savings, and find your own place to live, ASAP.

You're going to be a single mother to twins anyway. This man is not going to grow up in the time you have left before your babies are born. Best to cut your losses and get started on it sooner rather than later.

Don't let him move in with you when you have your own place. He'd be a deadweight for you to carry. That's what he is now. Let his parents deal with the problem they've created.

VivX · 22/04/2023 20:55

The last straw was two days ago when he was getting ready for work and asked me to put some underwear in the washing for him as he didn’t have time to do it in the week.

He did what now?
He literally can't get his own underwear into the wash by himself?

This will be your entire life.

What do I do?

Buy your own place and do not let him move in with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2023 21:05

Oh dear. Well you know he’s not going to change. You know a relationship which involves not speaking to each other for two days is a bad one. You know he thinks he’s too good to clean up after himself and that you’re not so he’ll just leave it to you.

How do you see things panning out? What do you want and expect to happen?

billy1966 · 22/04/2023 23:15

Your life is about to get so much harder.

He will only get a lot worse.

In your place you should terminate and run, because your relationship with this waster is doomed.

I'm so sorry but that it the truth.

You will be on your own with twins.

Which will be very hard.

Start making sone decisions before you no longer have any choices.

anonymousxoxo · 23/04/2023 00:39

Can you try to get wfh job? That will help cut out the commute at the very least?

PaigeMatthews · 23/04/2023 09:15

anonymousxoxo · 23/04/2023 00:39

Can you try to get wfh job? That will help cut out the commute at the very least?

Her current job is her security.

op, having just read through your other thread on marriage, you really need to list what you are risking here.

this man will leave you high and dry.

He said I’m delusional for thinking that we could break up
this really worried me. Not that you wouldn't break ip, but that he has you so trapped and out of choices that you couldn't break up.

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 09:42

PaigeMatthews · 23/04/2023 09:15

Her current job is her security.

op, having just read through your other thread on marriage, you really need to list what you are risking here.

this man will leave you high and dry.

He said I’m delusional for thinking that we could break up
this really worried me. Not that you wouldn't break ip, but that he has you so trapped and out of choices that you couldn't break up.

Show quote history

His delusional remark has abuser written all over it with an implied threat that you are now stuck with him.

Chilling.

Speak to your GP and midwive and terminate while you have the chance.

Otherwise I think you have absolutely no idea how hard your life is going to be with this truly awful loser.

anonymousxoxo · 23/04/2023 09:45

PaigeMatthews · 23/04/2023 09:15

Her current job is her security.

op, having just read through your other thread on marriage, you really need to list what you are risking here.

this man will leave you high and dry.

He said I’m delusional for thinking that we could break up
this really worried me. Not that you wouldn't break ip, but that he has you so trapped and out of choices that you couldn't break up.

Show quote history

No sorry I should have been clearer once her maternity leave ends and she’s gone back to work. Then try to find a wfh job. Apologies I should have been clearer.

anonymousxoxo · 23/04/2023 09:45

PaigeMatthews · 23/04/2023 09:15

Her current job is her security.

op, having just read through your other thread on marriage, you really need to list what you are risking here.

this man will leave you high and dry.

He said I’m delusional for thinking that we could break up
this really worried me. Not that you wouldn't break ip, but that he has you so trapped and out of choices that you couldn't break up.

Show quote history

I’ve seen quite a few people starting new jobs after maternity leave, one post I saw was a woman started working for HSBC

Ohheyitsme1 · 23/04/2023 09:52

OP, as others have said, he won’t change.

You have a lot on your plate just now but be prepared for that to increase tenfold when the babies arrive. The night feeds, the sick on clothes, nappies, baths, crying…something will have to give. Your mental health will spiral, I guarantee it. I also expect he’ll give you the “but you’re on maternity leave don’t nothing all day” spiel if you ask him to help.

If it were me, I’d tell him you feel like you have no choice but to separate. That you want to do it now, before the babies come, and that you’re going to start looking at properties. He’ll roll his eyes and say you’re mental. Do it though. Imagine trying to move as a single parent with two newborns. Don’t wait.

Original poster
Th10 · 23/04/2023 12:37

PaigeMatthews · 22/04/2023 19:48

Well you cannot go back in time and change where you are now. The whole situation is a mess.

Is he also saving for a deposit?

can you move out on your own?

he wont get better. He has told you and shown you what he thinks is womens work. You cannot train him. Gr isnt a dog.

We are saving (separately) but both towards a deposit.
I could move back to my mums and it’s 30mins away from work. I moved in last year when I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) but this pregnancy was planned. I expected it would be for a short time and we would save for around a year and then move out.

sorry, with the delusional thing, I should make that clear, he meant that he would never break up with me when we are going to have children (I was worrying that he would and I would be left to pay for everything) he meant it in a reassuring way. I was catastrophising saying I would have to move back home with babies and pay for their nursery on my own.

OP posts:
CaptainCorriganIsFlying · 23/04/2023 12:43

It’s the parents I feel sorry for here.

Supporting their waster of a son and then landed with his girlfriend who doesn’t cook more than once or twice a week because she’s “fed-up”, and doesn’t pay rent.

And now these two “adults” have actively decided to add two babies into the mix.

What was going through your head, OP?!

FishChipsMushyPeas · 23/04/2023 12:43

I'm not so sure you were catastrophising mate.

Original poster
Th10 · 23/04/2023 12:45

Ohheyitsme1 · 23/04/2023 09:52

OP, as others have said, he won’t change.

You have a lot on your plate just now but be prepared for that to increase tenfold when the babies arrive. The night feeds, the sick on clothes, nappies, baths, crying…something will have to give. Your mental health will spiral, I guarantee it. I also expect he’ll give you the “but you’re on maternity leave don’t nothing all day” spiel if you ask him to help.

If it were me, I’d tell him you feel like you have no choice but to separate. That you want to do it now, before the babies come, and that you’re going to start looking at properties. He’ll roll his eyes and say you’re mental. Do it though. Imagine trying to move as a single parent with two newborns. Don’t wait.

I just don’t know how I could afford it when they would get to nursery age, his mum offered to baby sit one day and him and I were going to look after them 1 day a week each.
I could move back to my mums. He is very kind and would be a good dad and was great when I went through my miscarriage, but I just worry if I have to discuss things such as sharing the cooking and dividing housework repeatedly, and dividing costs during maternity how bad is it going to get? I don’t think these things cross his mind but I don’t feel as though I should be the only one thinking of this stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
Th10 · 23/04/2023 12:49

CaptainCorriganIsFlying · 23/04/2023 12:43

It’s the parents I feel sorry for here.

Supporting their waster of a son and then landed with his girlfriend who doesn’t cook more than once or twice a week because she’s “fed-up”, and doesn’t pay rent.

And now these two “adults” have actively decided to add two babies into the mix.

What was going through your head, OP?!

I put double in savings for mine and my partners house deposit than I would paying rent, so it’s not as if I am living there with no intention of contributing to our future. Before I moved in I offered to pay and they would not accept so I contribute in other ways. How many more times would you recommend I cook during the week, considering there are four people in the household and my partner does not cook?

OP posts: