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Original poster

Husband doesn't love me anymore: do I need to end it?

29 replies

Currysource · 22/04/2023 07:53

My husband doesn't love me anymore but won't end our marriage either. He hasn't told me he loves me in almost 5 years and is not affectionate or loving either, although used to be.

We live in a housemate situation and he treats me as his mate. He isn't nasty towards me but clearly all love has gone. He used to be much more loving. I'm in my mid-thirties and feel too young to be living like this. I want some love and passion in my life again. I feel miserable.

I'm reluctant to be the one who ends things; I ended it before Christmas and he moved out for a week and during that time he made lots of references to the separation being my choice and not his! This is frustrating for me as I don't want to be the one to end my marriage but also, I don't want a loveless marriage either.

We have two children also who are 7 and 5. I only ever wanted to have a loving family and a loving equal marriage, it feels foreign to me to end it all when it's all I ever wanted. I don't see him working on improving our marriage either; he does not wish to attend relationship counselling and isn't trying to rekindle his feelings for me. It's like he's accepted that we live as housemates. We have sex every couple of months but it feels like it's more to fill a sexual need than it is about each other.

What do I do?

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 22/04/2023 07:56

Sack it off and move on with your life. Who cares whether he's too cowardly to actually end your marriage - you deserve to be happy and you're not going to be able to do that all the time you're tied to him just because you don't want to be labelled the bad guy. You know the truth at the end of the day!

Original poster
Currysource · 22/04/2023 09:04

I think he is too cowardly as you say @TeddyBeans. It just feels I'm going against everything I want by initating divorce. I just keep waiting for something to change 😔. Then if it does change slighty, he reverts back to being distant and disengaged again should I become mildly annoyed with him for doing/not doing x, y or z. Or even if I try to speak to him about something remotely emotional. He takes it to heart and goes back to distancing again. I feel like I can't say anything to him.

OP posts:
Cherryprintsummer · 22/04/2023 21:56

Hello @Currysource , just to say I’m in the same situation - it’s been going on over a year now, DH is very withdrawn but doesn’t make any moves to end the marriage, I am the one that keeps saying we need to talk etc - and he then says he wants things to end, but not yet. I am finding it really difficult, I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

KCandtheSunlightBand · 23/04/2023 06:46

Leave now would be my advice. I’ve spent 25 years going through this, and it’s now really difficult financially as I’m close to retirement and have little time left to make any life plans.

It has destroyed my self esteem, and I have been living a lie for most of my adult life, pretending to everyone that all is fine, trying to model a decent relationship for our children.
Even though it is currently terrible (husband has taken the separation really badly and won’t talk to me despite still living in the same house) I feel much better within myself. Frightened for what’s ahead, but at least my life won’t be a lie.

Giggorata · 23/04/2023 07:07

Your second post says it all. This is the pattern and this is how it will be as long as you stay with him.

He is training you to put up with his behaviours.
Punishing you for anger, disagreement, attempts to discuss and reach compromise… for anything that challenges his authority.
When it looks as though he's pushed you too far, he hoovers you back in for a while and then reverts.
He wants you to feel as though you can't say anything to him, because then he will be free to act any way he pleases.

I am sorry, hearing that you are unhappy, but this isn't going to become the happy loving marriage you wanted and yes, you are going to have to be the one that ends it because, why would he? He isn't unhappy with it.

Snorkello · 23/04/2023 07:31

He’s not ending it because it’s easy for him to have you around. This is making you unhappy, so big the one who calls it quits. Your dc don’t need this kind of relationship role modelling.

sending hugs as it sounds really hard. Know you deserve more and are young and have a life of endless possibilities ahead of you. Go find happiness.

Original poster
Currysource · 23/04/2023 07:35

It's just so cruel @Cherryprintsummer:
"I want things to end, but not yet."
Absolutely awful. And you're supposed to continue living in limbo?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Currysource · 23/04/2023 07:36

I'm so sorry @KCandtheSunlightBand that sounds incredibly hard. But well done to you for instigating this separation regardless of the challenges this imposes.

OP posts:
StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 23/04/2023 07:43

In the scheme of things does it really matter who ends it?

Cherryprintsummer · 23/04/2023 08:22

@StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf as someone in a similar position I can say this has been very important to me - I have felt it was unfair that I should be the one to end the marriage when I don’t want to end the marriage! I still want to give things a go… but repeatedly it seems like ending it myself is the only way to move things forward.

@Currysource I find the state of limbo incredibly hard, sometimes bordering on unbearable. We do both want to wait a few months for various reasons but there is no real plan, no decision made. I know that this is partly because I keep hanging on, hoping it will change, that I can do something that will make it change. And he seems ok for it to go on like this indefinitely 😞

mondaytosunday · 23/04/2023 09:15

Why wait gif him? He's made it clear he's happy with it. YOU decide what YOU want, which is clear not what you have now. Start planning and figure out how you will manage money wise etc. it will be extremely hard but you worth it in the end.

Whatthefnow · 23/04/2023 09:21

End it.

Not a chance I'd let a man jump on me every couple of months to get rid of his dirty water.

How grim op.

caringcarer · 23/04/2023 09:24

Life is too short to be wasted living in this way. Your kids will notice Daddy never hugs or kisses Mummy as their friends parents do. Get your ducks in a row and divorce him.

snitzelvoncrumb · 23/04/2023 09:29

It’s probably because it is easier for him to be married. He doesn’t want to start again financially and have to manage kids on his own. It’s just too convenient for him. I would just leave. You could give him notice. Let him know you both have six months to work on your relationship and get it to a point where you are both happy, and it must stay like that, or split.

pinusscotus · 23/04/2023 10:43

Please end it - you deserve so much better. FWIW, I grew up in a household where my parents stayed together for about a decade longer than they should have, I don't know why. They thought their contempt for each other wasn't noticeable, and it wasn't, most of the time, but me and my siblings never had a positive model for what a relationship should look like and it led to some really unhappy experiences for us all. I don't say that to guilt you but to hopefully make you realise that no one wins in situations like these.

Throwncrumbs · 23/04/2023 11:36

So tell us… are you still doing his washing, his cooking, his cleaning, his shopping etc etc, still sleeping in the same bed? If so no wonder he is keeping you hanging on, he’s wanting the easy life of you doing it all and him doing just as he likes. Stop doing anything for him, stop being his doormat and do only things for you and your child. And certainly don’t sleep in the same bed let alone room as him!

C1N1C · 23/04/2023 12:00

If someone ended it with me, I'd be distant too. Basically, you've said he was distant, you ended it, now he's more distant... in that respect, it's not his responsibility to put the effort in now. You showed him you weren't interested, but if you want to keep him, you'll have to show him you are.

If my partner went through a rough patch, even an extended one... ending it with them would basically be kicking them while they're down. I get it, I do... but why is it his responsibility to chase you when you left him? If you want the marriage, you have to show him you're serious and what he's missing.

(I know this won't be a popular opinion)...

Livinghappy · 23/04/2023 12:08

@C1N1C The husband has a responsibility to communicate if "distant". It isn't fair or reasonable to withdraw from a relationship. The op has said she doesn't want the marriage to end but her H isn't bothered.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 23/04/2023 21:31

This will eat away at you, until you have to leave or it will destroy you. Stbxh did similar 4 years ago. Except in his case he said he didn't know if he loved me anymore, but I wasn't allowed to pressure him by talking about it he'd tell me when he was ready. I did the pick me dance for about 8 months, destroyed my self esteem, feel worthless. When the mental knots I was in over his behaviour started affecting the kids I stepped back, he got very angry and emotionally abusive.

I didn't find the courage to end things for a long time, I was scared of his reaction. I'm still scared about the future, worried for the kids, but I felt lighter the moment I ended things. Unfortunately we're seperated under one roof as he won't move out, so I'm still dealing with all his nasty behaviour, but it has an end date now. Waiting on mediation.

He was never going to end it, if our limbo and house mates included regular sex he would have been perfectly happy with it. As I see it he got to see our DC daily, clean house, meals cooked, didn't have to split the family assets. I think he would have stayed in limbo for decades rather than split the monetary assets. He's not suffering in the same way you are OP, he's happy to stay here in this place where he still gets all the benefits of a wife and family, and he's getting whatever benefit he gets, control or hurting you. A good person doesn't say they don't love you then expect things to go on like normal.

RGold · 23/04/2023 21:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as spam.

Bashshell · 23/04/2023 21:55

Why does he even want to stay? Do you think he is seeing someone else or going through some early midlife crisis? Is it worth going to counselling?

If there’s no hope you might as well end it. Doesn’t matter who ends it, ultimately he’s the one with the problem.

Original poster
Currysource · 23/04/2023 22:59

Throwncrumbs · 23/04/2023 11:36

So tell us… are you still doing his washing, his cooking, his cleaning, his shopping etc etc, still sleeping in the same bed? If so no wonder he is keeping you hanging on, he’s wanting the easy life of you doing it all and him doing just as he likes. Stop doing anything for him, stop being his doormat and do only things for you and your child. And certainly don’t sleep in the same bed let alone room as him!

You'll be pleased to know @Throwncrumbs no I'm not doing his washing or cooking and we no longer sleep in the same bed given that he makes zero relationship effort. He's quite comfortable with this also. I've told him I don't want to live like this but there is no way I'm playing wifey if he can't show a bit of love and affection. So no, I'm not quite the "doormat" you imagined I am.

OP posts:
TimeToBreakFree · 24/04/2023 00:02

Currysource · 22/04/2023 07:53

My husband doesn't love me anymore but won't end our marriage either. He hasn't told me he loves me in almost 5 years and is not affectionate or loving either, although used to be.

We live in a housemate situation and he treats me as his mate. He isn't nasty towards me but clearly all love has gone. He used to be much more loving. I'm in my mid-thirties and feel too young to be living like this. I want some love and passion in my life again. I feel miserable.

I'm reluctant to be the one who ends things; I ended it before Christmas and he moved out for a week and during that time he made lots of references to the separation being my choice and not his! This is frustrating for me as I don't want to be the one to end my marriage but also, I don't want a loveless marriage either.

We have two children also who are 7 and 5. I only ever wanted to have a loving family and a loving equal marriage, it feels foreign to me to end it all when it's all I ever wanted. I don't see him working on improving our marriage either; he does not wish to attend relationship counselling and isn't trying to rekindle his feelings for me. It's like he's accepted that we live as housemates. We have sex every couple of months but it feels like it's more to fill a sexual need than it is about each other.

What do I do?

Sounds like he has ended it OP. With actions, not words. He's 'left' as it were, and left a cardboard cutout but that's not real.

SunflowerTed · 24/04/2023 03:55

C1N1C · 23/04/2023 12:00

If someone ended it with me, I'd be distant too. Basically, you've said he was distant, you ended it, now he's more distant... in that respect, it's not his responsibility to put the effort in now. You showed him you weren't interested, but if you want to keep him, you'll have to show him you are.

If my partner went through a rough patch, even an extended one... ending it with them would basically be kicking them while they're down. I get it, I do... but why is it his responsibility to chase you when you left him? If you want the marriage, you have to show him you're serious and what he's missing.

(I know this won't be a popular opinion)...

Are you for real?!

DadJoke · 14/06/2024 15:38

He wants it to end, and he wants you to end it. Give him what he wants after taking legal and financial advice. If you don't, you'll be stuck in limbo.