Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you do when your parents and husband don't get on?

47 replies

lurchermummy · 22/04/2023 06:55

I only have my Mum, for some reason she and my DH have literally never got on. We've been married 30 years so it's not a new thing but it's increasingly getting me down.

I get on well with my Mum, yes she can be hard work but nothing I can't deal with. DH can also be hard work at times! I don't live anywhere near Mum, in fact in different countries, so seeing her is quite a major effort, it's not like I can just pop in and see her now and again and there's no prospect of her moving near to us.

When she visits it's just so tense - DH behaves like an arse when she's here, he's so rude and distant - I've spoken to him about it and he says he just finds it such hard work having her in our space. She's then very critical of him. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, can't make anybody happy, my DD's feel the tension too. Every mealtime is so stressful.

I can't always go and see her because I have work commitments and it's hard just taking a week off to go and visit. (Too far to go just for a couple of days). She's getting older and is going to need more support, she's also a widow. I would like to invite her for Christmas but I just can't the way things are.

Also on a practical level, her visiting is hard as we don't really have the space - no proper spare bedroom - so it's always a bit of a struggle especially for my DD's who end up having to compromise.

Is anyone else in this situation? How do you handle it? I literally feel like I can never win.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 06:56

Put her up in an Airbnb or hotel when she visits.

Patchworksack · 22/04/2023 06:58

Can she stay in a hotel or BnB nearby? Probably easier to manage if you all have a bit of personal space. Then you can go out for a day trips with her and the grandchildren or invite her to your home for a fixed amount of time but minimise contact between her and DH.

Sylvaniandysfunctionalfamily · 22/04/2023 07:14

Hi thanks yes that's a possibility but so expensive - she is on a pension, we can't really afford it - £100 a night around here for an Airbnb

MuddledMindy · 22/04/2023 07:23

Why does your DH behave like that when she visits? It's rude, no wonder she then reacts to this behaviour?

ChrisTrepidation · 22/04/2023 07:27

Sorry but your DH being unable to be civil to your mum for such short lengths of time is really unacceptable.

If he was a decent guy he would suck it up for this wifes sake.

Why does your mum not like him?

Sylvaniandysfunctionalfamily · 22/04/2023 07:35

Well I agree that's my view too, that he should suck it up. He is generally a good guy but quite selfish in lots of ways and likes his home to be his private space (he would absolutely deny that he is selfish as he thinks he works hard for his family, which he does but so do I). I suspect he's on the spectrum somewhere. They just don't see eye to eye - literally since they first met, rub each other up the wrong way.

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 07:40

Your mother is hard work and very critical of him. He has a right to be comfortable in his own home and she doesn’t treat him with respect. The idea that he needs to just suck it up and be kind no matter how she treats him is not a good plan.

If his mother came and treated OP
badly in her own home, I would say the same. And her DH would be expected to back OP and take her side if she was being disrespected by his family.

Rockingchai · 22/04/2023 08:12

Would he agree to stay with a friend for a few days when your mum was there? Are you able to have a conversation about the tension in the house when they are all together, in a way which doesn’t blame him - he must accept they’ve never got on.

I sympathise - in my case it was my ex who disliked a number of my close friends and made people staying so very difficult. In the end it had to be Airbnbs for friends but yes so expensive and it was so sad not being able to have people stay freely, as I love guests. Must be so hard I your situation with your mum.

Fuerza · 22/04/2023 08:17

He's entitled to his opinion that she's ''hard work'' but he cannot disguise that sufficiently so that you don't end up conflicted and miserable?

I'd hit him where he'll notice it. Financially. Next time you and your mum and your DD's spend two nights in a hotel in between your house and hers. Or three if you can afford it?

Maybe start with two nights and see how well it goes. If a man couldn't just fake civility to my family to make my life easier I'd be very disappointed in him.

I suppose he's thinking ''if this is a nightmare, her mum won't come again for ages''. But shock him with a curve ball. Tell him you're all going off to a hotel for a couple of nights.

user1492757084 · 22/04/2023 08:25

Save up to hire an air B & B for youself, daughters and mother for a week nearby for Christmas.
Leave Cross Patch in the family home and invite him over for Christmas Dinner.
If your elderly mother lives far away and only stays occasionally it is fair than your husband shows respect and is a polite and generous host to you mother. (She's not any old guest afterall!) He has had years to practise but has not learnt civil ways so the B&B is my suggestion.

Sylvaniandysfunctionalfamily · 22/04/2023 08:37

@Freefall212 yes she is critical of him but mostly to me, not directly to him. She mostly tries to stay out of his way. He does things like getting drunk over dinner. Yes he does have a right to privacy etc but it's my home too.

yoga4meinthemorning · 22/04/2023 08:38

Sounds like a DH problem.

Is he emotionally abusive or controlling in other ways? Isolating from family is a huge red flag.

Sylvaniandysfunctionalfamily · 22/04/2023 08:39

Just to add we are actually going away for a few days, but I'm paying, and he still sulks s but because he has to do all the stuff I do when I'm away, like walk the dogs, cook dinner etc

lljkk · 22/04/2023 08:45

If she has to come for multi day visits and she can't stay on other premises, you could treat them like adults, sit them down together & insist they play nice but with rules how to do that.

Not blaming either side, just acknowledging they have a personality conflict but you have faith they can rise above it.

RandomMess · 22/04/2023 08:53

He doesn't sound like a very nice man or good husband tbh.

He gets drunk over dinner, sulks if you go away, is a dick to your Mum.

CurlewKate · 22/04/2023 08:58

Grown ups in adult relationships compromise for each other.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2023 08:58

"I get on well with my Mum, yes she can be hard work but nothing I can't deal with"

What do you mean by she can be hard work?. You are her daughter granted, but why are you putting up with this from her?. Probably and only because you are her daughter and she has no-one else.

Ask yourself the question would you tolerate this behaviour from a friend?. It may well not be coincidental that you and she now live in different countries.

Where do your own loyalties lie; with your H or your mother?. Your idea that he needs to just suck it up and be kind no matter how she treats him is not a good plan. And I doubt very much he is on any spectrum at all, nothing you write about him indicates that so what made you think this at all?.

Feelinadequate23 · 22/04/2023 09:01

I’d be so angry with my husband if he couldn’t be civil to my parents a few times a year. Is he like this with any of your friends too or just your mum?

you have a right to a relationship with your mum, don’t let him take that from you. Nasty man.

theWarOnPeace · 22/04/2023 09:13

What does she criticise about him? The way he’s treating you from your own perspective doesn’t sound great tbf.

Monstersinked · 22/04/2023 09:23

I've had this for years, my Dm and Dh clashed but I've been fortunate that my Dh has really compromised as he saw how much stress it put on me. We knew Dm wouldn't change so he really relaxed around her and it helped. Like you we live far away and visits include a stay.

They run along fine now. One thing I did, that helped, was took myself out of the equation. I figured that they were both adults and perhaps by trying to foresee and plan around their issues with each other I was making myself more tense and in turn they were more tense.

I took a step back and let them find their own way of working. It was either going to go one way or the other. And as it turns out they worked something out.

I hope you find a happy medium. I can empathise with how hard it is and wish you love Flowers

Monstersinked · 22/04/2023 09:24

Freefall212 · 22/04/2023 06:56

Put her up in an Airbnb or hotel when she visits.

This is a great solution on theory , one I considered but just not financially feasible for most families. Not mine anyway

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/04/2023 09:32

I could have written this forty years ago, it went on until she died ten years ago. My mother lived in the next village though, so I was able to go and see her on my own. I used to dread Christmas, they hated each other and neither of them knew the meaning of compromise. It was grim.

I think there was an element of jealousy in my case ( only child) . Both she and DH wanted my undivided attention and concern. Didn’t make it any the less grim, though.

I suppose in the end I did choose DH , or rather prioritised him, and just saw DM on my own as much as possible . I know this isn’t an option for you. I hope you can manage to sort out something.

ChubbyMorticia · 22/04/2023 20:10

Anyone who was harsh and critical of my husband in our home would be told to leave and not return. I won’t tolerate someone disrespecting either of us, or our kids.

Original poster
lurchermummy · 23/04/2023 10:57

@ChubbyMorticia you mean you would really tell your own mother to leave your house and not come back because she said something negative about your husband?? She's not harsh and critical but she does point out when he does things she finds problematic, or things that she thinks are unfair to me. Generally she does try to keep out of it though.

Thank you for all the comments though I do appreciate the different perspectives - it doesn't seem as if there's an easy answer.

Both DH and my Mum have what you might call "strong personalities" and I think I do have a tendency to be the peacekeeper. It makes me sad, but I guess families are never easy. It would be simpler if she lived in this country then I could just pop over for a couple of days and see her whereas it has to be a big trip and only happens a couple of times a year.

I think I'll just have to go and see her more, or insist that we go away in the UK to an Airbnb or something. I'll also ask DH if he would be able to go and stay with some friends for a while when she comes over.

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 23/04/2023 11:30

It really does depend on what it is she’s actually saying and doing, and what he’s suing and doing. If my kids grow up and get treated poorly by their partners, I’ll have something to say. On the other hand, I would not allow my mum to be nasty to a partner of mine in their own home. It depends if your mum’s criticism was warranted and if the way she treated him was fair, IMO. If your DH is essentially banning your mum from visiting because she calls him out on his awful behaviour, then that’s not ok. It all depends 🤷‍♀️

Swipe left for the next trending thread