What do you do when your parents and husband don't get on?

[lurchermummy]

I only have my Mum, for some reason she and my DH have literally never got on. We've been married 30 years so it's not a new thing but it's increasingly getting me down.

I get on well with my Mum, yes she can be hard work but nothing I can't deal with. DH can also be hard work at times! I don't live anywhere near Mum, in fact in different countries, so seeing her is quite a major effort, it's not like I can just pop in and see her now and again and there's no prospect of her moving near to us.

When she visits it's just so tense - DH behaves like an arse when she's here, he's so rude and distant - I've spoken to him about it and he says he just finds it such hard work having her in our space. She's then very critical of him. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, can't make anybody happy, my DD's feel the tension too. Every mealtime is so stressful.

I can't always go and see her because I have work commitments and it's hard just taking a week off to go and visit. (Too far to go just for a couple of days). She's getting older and is going to need more support, she's also a widow. I would like to invite her for Christmas but I just can't the way things are.

Also on a practical level, her visiting is hard as we don't really have the space - no proper spare bedroom - so it's always a bit of a struggle especially for my DD's who end up having to compromise.

Is anyone else in this situation? How do you handle it? I literally feel like I can never win.

@lurchermummy In a heartbeat. My first loyalty is to my husband. I’d have zero hesitation in telling ANYONE to leave that disrespected him in our home, and they wouldn’t be welcome back until they’d given a sincere apology. And he’d do the same for me.

I don’t understand how your mother is finding anything ‘problematic’ with your husband. It’s not her marriage or home. Why is she getting a vote?

This isn’t a one time thing. It’s been ongoing. YOU may not find your mother harsh or critical, but your husband does.

I'll also ask DH if he would be able to go and stay with some friends for a while when she comes over.

Hang on. You’re going to ask your husband to leave his home to accompany your mother’s visits rather than telling your mother to respect your husband?

Accommodate, not accompany

@ChubbyMorticia yes to be honest I would - your loyalties may differ but I think my Mum deserves some respect too. Each to their own.

Maybe she's like it because he's rude and unwelcoming and gets drunk over dinner?

He doesn't sound like a particularly good husband

I wouldn't tolerate my husband being drunk over dinner,

Maybe the OP's mum is worried about her

"She's not harsh and critical but she does point out when he does things she finds problematic, or things that she thinks are unfair to me. Generally she does try to keep out of it though".

She is not really staying out of it though is she?. And she is telling you these things rather than talk to your H at all as she keeps out of his way.

What are the boundaries like between you and your mother?. Being a "peacekeeper" here is not working out for you because both of them will be annoyed with you for various reasons. How is it you've adopted such a role to start with; such can come about as a result of the family environment you grew up in?. Were you rewarded by another parent for keeping the peace?.

When others have looked to you to manage their emotions, it’s easy to feel like you have to continue to play peacekeeper to maintain your relationships. But relationships are two-way streets. It's not solely your responsibility to do all the work.

Making a list of what is and isn’t on your shoulders can help you differentiate between the two. On your responsibility list, you may find items like respecting your personal needs and allowing your loved ones to have their own opinions on the situation. And on your non responsibility list, peacekeeping should be at the top.

Your mother may deserve respect, but is she giving it to your husband when she’s a guest in his house? I’m aware it’s your house too, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a guest in his home.

I would support my mother in not having someone in her house that was rude to her, as I would support my husband in not having someone in our house that was rude to him. I know my husband would support me if the sustain was reversed, too.

Where did OP say her dh has a drinking problem?

If she rarely visits you, why is she being critical of him? You've been married for 30 years, surely she's aware this you're both in it for the long haul, and her criticism does nothing but rile him up? It is not at all her place to judge him/correct him - she's not his mother.

Some people will just never got on, and you can't force it. BUT he should be able to suck it up for the short time she is here, and so should she, for YOUR sake. But if you haven't enforced this in 30 years, you won't get either of them to change now. Just accept it will be difficult and no one will be happy but there isn't a choice if you want to see your mother, and you have to grow a backbone and tell people to behave.

However, the issue of where to host her is a far trickier one - especially as she gets older and needs more help. Have you planned for this? With no spare bedroom it isn't fair of your daughters to have to compromise especially as they get older and need some privacy. It's fine for a short visit, not for mid-long term.

@ChubbyMorticia

think op had a name fail. She also seems to have posted as@Sylvaniandysfunctionalfamily

post at 8:37pm mentioned her husband getting drunk

Ah, thanks. I’d just read the comments in green from the OP.

I think if this was the other way round and it was you and your MIL the comments would be completely different. Everyone would tell you that your DH should have your back and speak to his mother.
I think your mother should behave or stay elsewhere, your husband shouldn’t have to leave his home.

Absolutely.

Your mum is a guest in your home. If she can't speak to you and your DH in a polite manner, she can stay elsewhere.

What is he like with other guests?

Your husband rarely sees your mother so I dont get why he cannot just get on with it for a week. I would be having firm words with both of them.

If the shoe were on the other foot the wife would be told she didn't have to take this from her MIL. Rank hypocrisy.

So I’m going to try make this short
I’ve been with my partner 20 years
we’ve lived together for 6

my partner and mum get on 90% of the time

usually it’s nothing serious

just recently our dog has developed a sensitive stomach

last weekend the dog came home and a few hours later had a upset stomach

my partner told me that she will have to have no food when we visit or we will have to not go

om speaking to my mum my partner came down from the toilet and gave a quantity of treats so I brushed this off

on arrival yesterday my mum asked if she could give something my partner looked at me and said you can clean it up and barely spoke to my mum

we left and in the evening when I was getting out the bath my partner said the dog had had a upset tummy after being fine all week (I didn’t see any of this)

so this time I’ve asked mum to not give her anything. But she’s saying the dog is used to it and she feels bad.

I try to make comments but my partner has just shut them down saying we don’t listen to her So she doesn’t care

aside from this subject our conversations are fine

im a natural worrier and I can’t stand these two important people in my life not getting on.

my mum doesn’t see the issue and said it isn’t anything she’s given

we go one regular dog walks and other people hand out treats and my partner never tells them please don’t feed her so this does feel personal

im beyond worried about the next time we go -next week visiting with an Easter gift and this is making me feel unwell.

my partner is autistic and sees things very black and white and if I try to talk she will just make a derogatory statement

Hi

Just like to say I am in a similar situation - although not quite the same. I really sympathize with you, and wish you all the best. I know how much it can get you down, and just take away any enthusiasm. My Mother is getting quite old now and I constantly worry about her. My husband is now disabled but has always been a bit prickly and sometimes unsociable! Hope things work out for you.

I would expect my husband to behave like a civilized adult human being during my parent’s visit. And I would tell him if he can’t do that he can go and stay with a friend for a few days.

Your DH should grow up. Most adults can manage to keep the peace for a couple of weeks.

Hopefully things have improved during the last 2yrs since this thread started.